123 and Flush by Roger Cosgrove
ACT I
AT RISE: It is early one morning. LARRY and BOB are sitting at a table
in front of the coffee shop.
BOB
So Larry, two questions. One… Why did you drop our tools in that
storm cleanout over there? And two, isn't Waterton Lakes kind of
remote, for pulling a heist?
LARRY
Exactly, that's what's so good about it. The nearest full time Cop
Shop is 30 miles away in Pincher Creek, or in Cardston. We can pull
off this jewel heist, steal a boat and be in Montana in twenty
minutes. The cops only come into Waterton once the park is open for
the season and then only for a quick drive through, at the most, twice
a day, and only when the bakeshop is open.
BOB
Ya… but how much jewellery is going to be in this little place?
There can't be more than three hundred people in town?
LARRY
That's the difference between you and me. I think of the bigger
picture.
BOB
Ya… all that does is get us into bigger trouble. That last tunnel
job to the bank in Fort Macleod landed us in big trouble and into a
bigger jail in Lethbridge.
LARRY
Yes, but then I got you out of trouble didn't I?
BOB
Well, I don't think making a helicopter jail break in the middle of
the night; can be called
(Does the dittos with his hands)
"getting me out of trouble".
LARRY
Complain; complain… that's gratitude for you. Do you know how much
I had to steal to pay for that chopper? Anyway let me finish my story.
There might only be a couple of hundred people in town today but, this
is a National Park…
BOB
Yah, and that's another thing, since we arrived by helicopter in the
middle of the night, we didn't pay our entrance fee for the National
Park. Isn't that illegal? Besides how are these places going to
survive if we don't pay our fee?
LARRY
Well I guess you better just march over to the park office and fill
out the permit form. Remember to fill in your occupation… "Full
Time Crook" and don't forget to fill in your address…
"Lethbridge Provincial Jail." Now shut up and let me finish.
BOB
You know Larry; you sure know how to make a short story, long.
LARRY
(Shaking his head in disbelief)
Pay attention. When the park opens tomorrow for the season, there is
probably another two or three thousand tourists here every single day.
And, not just your average tourists; these are rich tourists, from the
United States, Japan and Europe and they all have money to spend.
They're suckers for Canadian made gifts and jewellery. After all
where else could you sell a statue of an igloo with an RCMP officer
standing on one side, holding a jar of maple syrup and on the other
side of the igloo, a beaver and a moose eating a maple leaf? Shut up,
the waitress is coming.
CHANTICO
(Enters from cafe.)
Hallo, my name is Chantico. I weell be your waitress today. Have you
guys been here before; you look fameelier? Have you been to Mexico;
that is where I come from?
BOB
No. Say… did you work at the Java Shop and Greyhound Bus Depot in
Fort Macleod?
(LARRY gives BOB an elbow.)
CHANTICO
Jas, I was the head bus-boy girl. Actually I was the only bus-boy
girl. But I got promoted beeg-time. When they added the new cafe on to
the motel last year, Meester Craig moved me to Waterton and gave me a
job as a waitress. He said I was good at being able to understand all
the deefferent accents. They really teep big here; not like at the
Java Shop. They were lousy teeppers.
(Pauses and gives them a look.)
Say… Do I know you from there?
LARRY
No it wasn't us; we have never been to the Java Shop.
BOB
That's right! We have never been there and we weren't in the
adjoining Greyhound Bus Depot either. We never even knew there was one
until you mentioned it.
LARRY
(Trying to change the subject)
Make it a couple of coffees.
CHANTICO
(Slowly writing and talking at the same time.)
Two coffees. Then she turns to Bob. And for you sir?
BOB
You got it… I'm having the same thing.
CHANTICO
So, two coffees.
(She writes it slowly as she talks.)
Be right back.
(She exits.)
LARRY
So like I was saying, these rich tourists are here to spend money.
They are on a holiday and it's a well known rule… when on
holidays, spend all the money you brought. That shows you had a good
time. And besides with all this beautiful scenery, lakes, waterfalls
and wild animals that can be experienced first-hand and all for free,
you don't mind spending money on gifts to take home. So there are
loads of diamond rings and necklaces sitting in that jewellery store,
right over there. Plus with the banks closed until Monday, they have
to have a lot of cash on hand as everybody cashes in their travellers
checks. That cash is just sitting in their ancient flimsy vault just
waiting to be snatched away by astute crooks like us.
BOB
I don't like the sounds of this, I've heard it before and all it
does is get me into more trouble.
LARRY
Well don't worry I've got it all covered.
BOB
That's exactly what I'm worried about.
LARRY
When she comes back we better make some small talk, we don't want
her getting suspicious.
(BOB looks puzzled then slouches down in the chair.)
She was in that Java Shop when we were there…and don't slouch.
BOB
Lucky for us we were wearing women's clothing for that heist or she
might have recognized us. Boy, after that fiasco you will never see me
in a dress again. Do you know how embarrassing that was? I never,
EVER, want to go through that again.
(CHANTICO enters carrying 4 cups of coffee.)
CHANTICO
Here you go, two coffees for you;
(She puts two coffees in front of LARRY then she turns to BOB.)
and two coffees for you. You Canadians sure do like your coffee. I
tell my boss he should start a restaurant that sells just coffee and
donuts, put them all across North America, but he just laughs at me.
He says…
(In a deep voice)
You can't make money just selling coffee and donuts… seelly girl.
(Hands them a bill then exits to cafe)
LARRY
Silly girl
BOB
I don't know Larry, she got a promotion and we are still doing the
same thing as always.
(Pause)
Now about this heist, how are we going to get into that jewellery
store and then into the vault without setting off any alarms?
LARRY
Remember the big guy in the joint, with the scar below his eye; mean
looking dude with a brush cut.
BOB
That narrows it down to just about everybody in the joint but me. What
was his name?
LARRY
I don't know because every one called him Dozer. It wasn't because
he was dozy, but because he used to drive a bull dozer, in Pincher
Creek. He was in the pen because he stole a huge road grader and was
hiding it in his barn. He wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.
I'm not sure what he was going to do with it. It wouldn't be the
easiest thing to hide. That grader was about 40 feet long and weighed
about 20 tons.
BOB
Wow, I'm surprised that it didn't go right through the floor.
LARRY
Exactly, and that's the funny part. The RCMP had a tip that someone
saw it on the back road that went near Dozer's house. So the cops
drove into his place to see if he had seen the grader in the area.
Well, he was standing there, talking to the cops in the cruiser. He
had just finished telling them that he never saw a grader. They were
just about to leave when the grader fell right through the barn floor.
It caused the whole barn to collapse. It was like a bomb exploded.
Timbers were flying everywhere. When the dust cleared there was the
grader in the middle of a pile of wood, with chickens and chicken
feathers everywhere. The cops were not impressed.
BOB
I think it's debatable as to why they called him Dozer… On the
plus side Dozer had a grader right there to clean up the mess.
(Laughs)
That's a pretty funny story Larry but that still doesn't tell me
how we are going to get into the vault. What's Dozer got to do with
us being here?
LARRY
Well, this is what makes it interesting. When we were in the joint, I
talked to Dozer about a construction job he did last year right here
in town. He says sometimes if there is too much snow in that mountain
ridge over there, and they get one of those warm Chinook winds they
can get some pretty serious flooding. After last year's flood, they
built large storm sewers, to take away the excess water. That's the
cleanout over there, and that's why I hid the bag of tools in it. We
can enter there, and follow it, back a few feet. He says it goes right
under the jewellery store, one way and down to the lake the other way.
So, we just dig up into the vault. These old vaults are very strong,
but because they are too heavy to move and they are bolted down to the
floor they didn't bother putting in much of a floor in them. There
is just a thin layer of steel. We can cut through the wooden floor and
through the steel and we are in. There are no alarms on the floor,
just on the doors and windows. These stores on the courtyard are all
new last year. He had the plans for the stores so he made sure there
was a pipe right below where they jewellery store was going to be
built. One night he was working overtime and he installed the pipe. He
put a hatch on the top to make it real easy. And it is right below the
vault. He filled in the trench with his bull dozer and no one is the
wiser. The stores were then built on top. It makes it pretty easy for
us; we just crawl back a few feet and look for that hatch. Dozer was
planning to do the job when he had completed his sentence.
BOB
Won't he be upset, that we did the heist? After this they will be
prepared and will make changes, and he won't be able to do the job.
LARRY
Too bad; never trust a crook. Anyways… we can do the job tonight and
be gone before the stores have their big opening tomorrow. We will
steal a boat and cross the border into Montana and we're outa here.
BOB
Who's going to drive the boat? Don't you need a license, to drive
a boat? Isn't that against the law?
LARRY
You amaze me Bob. I guess we better tell them about the diamonds we
are about to steal then.
(He gives BOB a cuff across the back of the head)
BOB
What happens if when we get to other side of the lake the Montana Cops
happen to be there? They could be sitting there having their evening
coffee and donut.
LARRY
Well not likely; it is pretty remote, but if we see anyone on the
American shore we will just go to the west shore of the lake instead
and grab us a couple of horses from a local ranch and take the trail
heading into British Columbia. Then further west, we will drop down to
Eureka, Montana and then go west to Washington State. I have a buddy
in Seattle whom we can get fake United States passports from.
BOB
I hope they have lots of washrooms in Montana, after all this coffee.
(He has a coffee cup in each hand and is taking turns finishing
them.)
LARRY
Well let's take a walk around town. We can see if there is anything
else worth snatching, while we are here.
(He picks up the bill.)
They sure rip you off in these tourist towns. Nothing bugs me more
than getting ripped off. Thirty cents each… outrageous… It's
her lucky day I have 62 cents so I can include a tip.
(He tosses it down on table and they exit to the boardwalk, as LUKE
enters from Waterton Ave, and sits down at a cafe chair. CHANTICO
enters from cafe.)
CHANTICO
Hallo Meester Luke.
LUKE
Hello Chantico! What's cooking today? Any of those famous Alberta
T-bone Steaks I hear so much about?
(CHANTICO gathers up the tip and the coffee cups off the table.)
CHANTICO
Not until lunchtime. I see those guys were big teeppers. At this rate
my Mudder will never get to Canada.
LUKE
Just a coffee for me Chantico. I'm just teasing you about the steak.
On what I make on the rodeo circuit I can't even afford to eat like
a cowboy.
CHANTICO
Do you have any rodeos coming up?
LUKE
Yeh… next week is the season start. Pincher Creek, then Fort
Macleod, then Medicine Hat, then down into Montana to Great Falls,
Kalispell, and Billings and several other small ones. I can't wait
to start making some money again. I like working at the Co-Op in
Pincher Creek, but at 1.15 an hour it's hard to keep the old VW in
gas. You know gas is 45 cents a gallon now. At this rate some day we
could be paying 50 cents. Mark my words.
CHANTICO
I would like to see a rodeo sometime. Pincher Creek isn't too far;
maybe I could hike-heetch.
LUKE
(Puzzled for a second)
Hike-heetch?... Oh… I think you mean heetch-hike… I mean
hitch-hike.
CHANTICO
Jas… Heetch-hike.
(She gives an exaggerated hitchhiking pose, waving her thumb about.)
(HENRY enters from Waterton Ave. He is wearing his apron, and holding
a cleaver. A honing rod hangs from his belt at his side.)
HENRY
Hello Luke, Chantico; could I get a coffee to go… that is before you
leave town. You know you should go to the edge of town Chantico,
better chance of getting a lift.
(CHANTICO and LUKE both laugh. She exits to get the coffees.)
LUKE
Say Henry, what's with the cleaver? Are you trying to get a bear…
I mean beef for the shop?
(LUKE makes an exaggerated wink)
HENRY
Ha, ha! That's a good one. Didn't know you cowboys had a sense of
humour.
(CHANTICO enters carrying a two coffees, one of them is in a take away
cup.)
CHANTICO
There you go… one coffee to go. I put it on your beel. And one
coffee for Meester Luke.
(CHANTICO exits to cafe as DALE comes out of her dress shop, with her
purse over her shoulder)
DALE
Good morning gentlemen… Say Henry, I have a quick run to make to the
Post Office, and then I have to pick something up at home.
(BOB and LARRY round the corner of the boardwalk, and pause, as they
hear the next line, then they step back so LUKE and HENRY can't see
them. They listen intently.)
Could you keep an eye on the store? I left a note saying I would be
back in 10 minutes, unless you're too busy. I could just lock the
door.
HENRY
Ya, sure, no problem. Take your time. Chances are no one is around
today. But tomorrow is going to be a different story.
(DALE exits towards Waterton Ave. HENRY'S eyes follow her)
She is such a sweetie. I wish I had the nerve to ask her out.
(HENRY slams the cleaver into a tree stump used as a spare seat. He
pulls it out of the stump, and gives it a couple of strokes with the
sharpener.)
She has been a widow for a couple of years. Time she started dating.
She would probably turn me down though… I think I scare her.
(He slams the cleaver into a tree stump again and pulls it out
again.)
I don't know why… there, that's much better.
LUKE
Well Henry; sometimes you kind of scare me too. Why do you slam that
cleaver into the stump so often?
HENRY
Oh, that's how I tell how sharp it is. If it goes in real easy I
know it's sharp. It's a lot better than cutting off my thumb.
LUKE
I see… that would make it hard to heetch-hike.
(Laughs)
Well Henry, the way I see it, you have to take the bull by the horns
and just ask her out.
HENRY
That's easy for you to say. You're a cowboy. Bull by the horns.
Ha, that's a good one!
(Laughs)
LUKE
Now where were we? What's with carrying that big cleaver around?
HENRY
Oh yes… a pretty lady always gets me side-tracked. I was about to
tell you about the cleaver. In the middle of the night I was awakened
by a noise. I thought I heard a low flying chopper on the other side
of that mountain.
(He points out to the distance using his cleaver.)
LUKE
So you carry that cleaver so you can point out low flying choppers…
You could just use your finger. That's what I do.
HENRY
Let me finish. When I got up this morning, I heard on the radio about
two convicts that made a daring escape in the middle of the night.
They had a helicopter pick them right off the roof of the jail in
Lethbridge. I just thought that I might as well be prepared. And
besides, there's a big reward out for them.
LUKE
I want in on this. I'm just about broke. You know I would like to
take out Chantico, but I can't even afford to ask that sweet little
filly out. Mind you she would likely turn me down if I did.
HENRY
(Chuckles)
I don't know. The way she stares at you I think you may have a
chance. You just have to grab that bull by the horns.
(Roars with laughter)
[end of extract]