8 Shorts by Andy Rooster Bloch

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

THE INTERVIEW
Comedy
2 characters (2 MEN)

About: A company looks to hire an employee with a most unusual job
title.

(An OFFICE. WALTERS sits behind his desk doing paperwork. He is 40s,
American, quite affable. He wears a nice shirt and tie. On the desk
sit TWO MUFFINS.

SHAW enters. He is 50s, pompous, with a very faint English accent. **
Note: this is key to the play. He wears a suit and tie and carries a
MANILA ENVELOPE. Walters stands to greet him.)

WALTERS
Welcome. Shaw is it?

SHAW
Yes. Mr. -

(They shake hands.)

WALTERS
Walters.

SHAW
Of course.

WALTERS
Have a seat.

SHAW
Why thank you.

(Shaw sits at a chair near the desk.)

WALTERS
You've brought a resume I see.

SHAW
I have.

WALTERS
May I see it?

SHAW
You may.

(Shaw hands Walters the manila envelope. Walter quickly opens it, and
reads the RESUME within.)

WALTERS
So you've held similar positions with—
(looks up)
—how many companies?

SHAW
Too many to count.

WALTERS
That is terrific.
(refers to his desk)
Say…

(Walters picks up one of the MUFFINS, smiles.)

WALTERS (CONT'D)
Care for a muffin?

SHAW
Ahh, the most prosaic of raised cakes. You and these silly muffins can
go fly a kite!

WALTERS
Excellent response, Shaw! I am bowled over.

SHAW
There is no substitute for experience, sir.

(Walters refers to the resume.)

WALTERS
Says here, you're immediately available for the position?

SHAW
Yes -

WALTERS
Because as you know we're looking to hire A.S.A.P.

SHAW
Yes.

WALTERS
It's not an easy position to fill.

SHAW
No sir.

WALTERS
But one of great necessity. The position of: AGING, SLIGHTLY BRITISH
COMPANY FUCKING ASSHOLE.

SHAW
It is my life's work, sir.

WALTERS
(re: the resume)
I can tell at first glance you exceed all prerequisites! May I read
aloud?

SHAW
By all means.

WALTERS
Ten years as Director of Pompous Inappropriate Behavior for Tampax—

SHAW
Ahh, that takes me back.

WALTERS
—- to Senior Executive Douchebag for Radio Shack… CFO of Sexual
Harassment—PRO sexual harassment—for Mattel… And for Blimpie,
First Guy to the Conference Room for Birthday Cake…. Last to Leave.
Wow! You are a master of annoyance!

SHAW
I am on the verge of blushing.

WALTERS
Any initial questions about the position?

SHAW
Well, now that you mention it, what is your policy on lunch?

WALTERS
Ah yes. Lunch. The last bastion of sanctuary in the lonely day of the
aging, slightly British company fucking asshole. As our A.S.B.C.F.A.
you'll be dining, each day, noon to 12:45, alone of course, in a
depressing, dimly lighted booth for six to accentuate the despair.

SHAW
I do enjoy a beer or three with lunch.

WALTERS
An asshole is but a shell of himself sober!

SHAW
(laughs)
I suppose I have been known to over-bother the barkeep.

WALTERS
Well then, I should alert the proprietors of local establishments that
you, or another applicant, will soon be dropping by to make their
lives a living hell.

SHAW
(taken a back)
Oh.

WALTERS
What?

SHAW
You hadn't mentioned there'd be competition.

WALTERS
We have three others applying.

SHAW
I see -

WALTERS
It's an enviable position, in this economy quite alluring. The pay
is fair. The hours are favorable. And when you get right down to it
your only true job requirements are to never make eye contact with
women and pee on the toilet seat a moment after it's cleaned.

SHAW
The competition as it were -

WALTERS
Yes?

SHAW
May I inquire of their skill set?

WALTERS
I trust all of you will bring in varying degrees of being a
self-righteous, semi-Limey prick; and I have no doubt our staff will
have dreams of causing bodily injury to whoever lands the job. But to
answer your question, I would say the closest to your experience is a
man named Thomas.

SHAW
Thomas you say.

WALTERS
Yes.

SHAW
And what, if I may ask, is his history?

WALTERS
It's more of a, shall we say, extra-curricular talent with Thomas.

SHAW
Mm -

WALTERS
He once killed a man and ate him.

SHAW
I see.

WALTERS
From what I gather this was not his first bout with cannibalism. Plus
he's, as luck would have it, slightly British.

SHAW
Damn, ey?

WALTERS
Fear not, Shaw. I've contacted his parole officer on numerous
occasions with no response. But you should know if we do go that
direction, a murdering cannibal makes a lot of sense to be our new
company fucking asshole.

SHAW
Killing someone and eating them. Boy that does elevate one's
assholishness.

WALTERS
He's quite good at what he does. While at Dairy Queen he created the
position of Not Raising Your Hand To Talk At Company Meetings. That
said, hiring him despite his high recruit is unlikely. One, he's a
violent serial killer. And two, his voicemail's not hooked up.

SHAW
Yes. That is problematic.

WALTERS
You're a dying breed, Shaw, you and your fellow, corporate
cock-pumpers. That's why we're hiring in the first place! The
State mandates every company hires at least one AGING, FUCKING
ASSHOLE. These tech companies, law firms, and the like. They hire
young…. college kids, high schoolers! There's something
disingenuous about the Young American Dickhead, wouldn't you say?
For us, no no, the aging, slightly British company fucking asshole is
a much better fit.

SHAW
Good to know, sir. Thank you.

WALTERS
Don't thank me. Thank yourself for farting in a crowded elevator.

(Walters references the resume again.)

WALTERS (CONT'D)
Can we discuss your references?

SHAW
I insist.

(Walters reads from the resume, looks up.)

WALTERS
Adolf Hitler.

SHAW
You never mentioned they had to be living.

WALTERS
That is rich, Shaw. Well played!

SHAW
You'll find the same nefarious ilk of my other references.

WALTERS
(reading)
Yes. I see. O.J. Simpson. The Shoe Bomber. Harvey Levin.

(Walters sets the resume down.)

WALTERS (CONT'D)
Tell me, Shaw. What in the way of family do you have?

SHAW
Well, not much to tell. I left my pregnant wife last fall to fend for
herself at a biker rally. She and the triplets could be anywhere by
now.

WALTERS
Asshole-wise that is tough to beat.

SHAW
(chuckles)
Ha yes. Which reminds me of an old joke. What's the advantage of
dating a homeless woman?

WALTERS
I give up.

SHAW
After dinner you can drop them off anywhere.

(Shaw and Walters crack up LAUGHING.)

WALTERS
Good one!

SHAW
Thank you, sir. I am nothing if not an egotistical, snooty,
standoffish, know-it-all wanker.

WALTERS
Just wonderful!

SHAW
Say. How long have you been with the company?

WALTERS
Oh, goodness. Fifteen, no, sixteen years I suppose.

SHAW
And how did you -

WALTERS
How did I land the gig?

SHAW
Yes.

WALTERS
In those days it was a job in return strictly for sexual
gratification.

SHAW
Is that right?

WALTERS
In addition to my stellar resume, which pales to yours, I had to give
my would-be supervisor the ol' Jersey Reach Around.

SHAW
Ahh. Love the classics!

WALTERS
(with seriousness)
You realize there would be no connection between us, Shaw. Our working
relationship would be based solely on mutual loathing and the absence
of decency and respect!

SHAW
As it should.

WALTERS
Sure, we may have things in common outside the office. I mean, it
would be nice to know I'm not the only one who gets erections at the
sight of a fire truck.

SHAW
Last week I had sex with and subsequently proposed marriage to a yam.

WALTERS
Shaw?... Based on this most enlightening conversation I believe there
is only one recourse.

SHAW
I'm all ears.

WALTERS
You are officially our new aging, slightly British company fucking
asshole! Congratulations!

(Walters extends his hand. Shaw stands and shakes it.)

SHAW
Brilliant! I won't let you down!

WALTERS
See that you don't. I have high hopes for you!

SHAW
And I you, sir.

WALTERS
Hey! What'say we celebrate: swing by the La Quinta Inn for an
afternoon of lawn darts and love-making with a couple of meth-freak,
bi-bolar Swedish hookers, my treat!

SHAW
As if one could get enough.

(Walters, arms folded, looks at Shaw, as if studying and approving
him.)

WALTERS
I have a good feeling about you, Shaw… a very good feeling.

[end of extract]