A Hare-Raising Mystery by Luke Wrobel

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

Frank: (Walks on typing something on his phone. Looks at the audience.) Hang on a sec. (Finishes what he’s doing. Puts his phone in his pocket. Addresses the audience.) Middle school is hard. I mean… I know… any adults in the room… “life is hard”. Whatever. Middle School is a part of “Life”… so the premise remains… middle school is hard. And I don’t mean “the work”… the work is fine… I mean… besides memorizing history dates and the periodic table… (holds up his phone) HELLO! GOOGLE! WIKI-PEDIA! But most of the work will probably be useful at some point in time… when we’re forced to pass ourselves off as “adults”.

No… when I say hard, I’m talking about figuring out how to be a decent human being while we’re overtaken and DEMONICALLY POSSESSED by HORMONES that NOBODY ASKED FOR all the while spending 8 hour days imprisoned with other monsters going through this same torturous transformation… Then hey! Let’s have us all compete against each other academically, athletically, and artistically, and be constantly judged for our clothes, hair, breath, body odor and behavior. Yep. Seems reasonable. What could go wrong?

That’s the question we’re going to explore for the next hour… what could go wrong? Because a lot. Because survival is miraculous. Because outside of military service in wartime and working in a coal mine, I nominate birth and middle school as the most petrifying shared human experiences, and after we’re born we immediately block it out and sleep for two years.
So with that in mind, let’s start our play. My name’s Frank. You’ve heard plenty from me already, so I’m going to let others take it from here… for now… Emily and Avery?

(They enter)

Our story is a mystery.

Emily: In the form of a presumed kidnapping…
Frank: Yes... a missing person case. And the three of us have been trying to get to the bottom of things.
Avery: Unsuccessfully. For now.
Frank: We’ll spend the next 30 minutes catching you up before we get to the party. I’ll leave you in their very capable hands… Good luck!
(He exits. Pause.)
Emily: Middle school is hard.
Frank: (offstage) I covered that!
Emily: Got it! (to Avery) You wanna start?
Avery: Sure… just… chime in if I miss something.
Emily: Will do.
Avery: (deep breath) Someone stole Josh’s bunny.
Emily: That’s not a euphemism.
Avery: No. It’s a stuffed bunny. We’ll provide context soon… but here’s the moment when he realized it was gone.
(Josh enters. He is distraught.)
Josh: (screams)
(Shuvel, Raeke, Shannon, Tracy, Jake and Trent run on. They stop. Silence.)
Shannon: What happened Josh?
(Pause.)
Josh: Has anyone… seen… a bunny?
(Everyone looks at one another confused.)
Shannon: A bunny? Like… a rabbit?
Josh: A stuffed bunny.
Shuvel: What color?
Tracy: What color? You need more details to differentiate all the stuffed bunnies?
Shuvel: I was just wondering…
Tracy: Idiot.
Raeke: Woah! Extreme!
Shannon: Where did you last see it?
Josh: It was in my locker. It’s always in my locker.
Jake: Gym locker of school locker?
Josh: School locker.
Trent: Who’s next to you?
Josh: (looking at the people) Ummm… Tracy… Shovel… Rake… Shannon, Jake… you’re here…
Trent: (Frustrated) Whose lockers are next to yours?
Josh: Oh… right… Edwina and Brock…
(Phone girl crosses upstage, looks at her phone, pauses, checks things out, and exits.)
Shannon: I wouldn’t put it past either of them. When are you sure it was in your locker?
Josh: It was definitely in there first thing this morning. I always pat her head before I go to first period.
Tracy: The bunny’s a she?
Josh: Yes.
Tracy: And you pat the bunny every morning?
Shannon: Stop it, Tracy.
Tracy: These details are important!
Shannon: We should tell someone. A teacher.
Josh: No! If you tell an adult, we’ll never find her. She’ll be gone forever.
Raeke: He’s right. If the bunny hasn’t been destroyed already, it will be once the adults come calling.
(Josh moans or squeaks)
Shannon: Everyone… keep your eyes and ears open… that bunny is still in this building, and as long as that’s true, we can find her.
(Everyone leaves except Josh. Emily and Avery approach him.)
Emily: Josh… Avery and I think we can help, but we’ve got a few questions…
Josh: How can you help?
Avery: We’ve got a special set of skills.
(Pause)
Emily: Investigative skills.
Avery: Yes. Investigative skills. We solve crimes.
Josh: In… middle school?
Emily: Remember last year when the 6th grade kickballs went missing?
Avery: Found ‘em! And this past September when someone put garlic in the slushie machine?
Josh: My breath stunk for a week.
Emily: We’re the ones who proved that it was Ajax and Brock.
Avery: We recorded their confession.
(Pause)
Josh: Ok… what do you need to know?
Emily: Do you have any enemies?
Avery: Anyone who wants to mess with you?
Josh: Not really… I mean… my little brother Chris hates me…
Emily: Why?
Josh: Because he’s taller than me.
Avery: He hates you because he’s taller than you?
Josh: He thinks he’s been cheated out of the experience.
Emily: What experience?
Josh: …of being a little brother.
Avery: But… you have no control over your height…
Josh: That’s what I told him! But he still hates me.
Emily: Ok… anyone else hold a grudge?
Josh: Ummm… Sonya… maybe?
Avery: Isn’t she like… really smart?
Josh: I got a better grade on a science quiz last year and she never forgave me.
Emily: What was your grade?
Josh: 98… she got a 96… she’s given me death stares ever since. I’m afraid of her.
Avery: Ok. Anyone else you can think of?
Josh: No… I think that’s it…. Wait! One more… Murphy…
Emily: What does Murphy have against you?
Josh: He thinks that I messed things up between him and Avery.
Avery: Me?
Josh: Yeah… at the beginning of the year he really liked you.
Avery: Murphy?
Josh: Yes… and I told him that he should talk to you.
Avery: We’ve never even had a conversation:
Josh: I know! That’s why I told him that he should talk to you.
Avery: And what happened?
Josh: He got mad at me.
Emily: For giving him advice?
Josh: He said, “No one tells Murphy what to do!” and he pushed me and then he stormed off, and he hasn’t spoken to me since.
Emily: He called himself Murphy?
Josh: He does that when he gets angry.
Avery: Why does he like me?
Josh: I don’t know if he still does… but he definitely did.
Emily: (to Avery) I think you should ask him out.
Avery: Shut up. We’ve literally never talked.
Emily: We can change that today!
Josh: Phillip’s his best friend… I can ask him…
Avery: NO! Don’t you dare…
Emily: Find out if Murphy still likes her.
Avery: I will kill you both.
Emily: I’m willing to sacrifice myself for your love.
Avery: If I find that bunny I’m burning it.
Josh: No! (laughing and surrendering) I’m done! No more.
Emily: OK… we’ll poke around and see what we can find out. You do the same. Let us know if you find out anything.
Josh: I will. Thank you.
Avery: No problem. See you later.
(Josh leaves. Frank enters from the opposite side.)
Frank: As soon as Josh left, Emily and Avery headed to class. On their way they ran into me and told me what had happened.
Emily: Frank had been helpful during our past 2 mysteries, and we asked for his help.
Frank: I was intrigued. Murphy was in my next class, and we had a sub, so I had an opportunity to ask him a few questions.