A Twisted Bargain by Michael Mizerany

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

The set is minimalistic. Three boxes on either side of the stage serve as Xander and Michaels’ individual beds.

XANDER ROBERTS stands stage left. He speaks into his phone, a backpack slung over his shoulder. He is lit by a spotlight.

XANDER
Never in a million years did I think I would be here. The crimes, the cover-ups, the ways things unfolded. I always saw myself as this awkward pile of gangly arms and legs, quivering at the slightest inclination or threatening glance, stuttering inane conversations, the conversations of bookworms, brainiacs, and social misfits. Perhaps Asperser’s could be my defense, if I chose to mount one. Regardless, that perception, or should I say that reality, was altered when I met Michael. He was everything I wasn’t; charming, articulate, handsome and popular. The only obsession we shared was for books, for reading. And as our friendship, our relationship grew; our fixations and fascinations became more intense and dire, though for very different reasons. To put it simply, Michael was obsessed with crime and cruelty and I was obsessed with Michael.

XANDER puts his phone in his pocket.

I remember the first time I saw Michael. Or should I say saw him again. I was standing in the doorway of his dorm room….

XANDER stands in the door which is slightly ajar. He knocks. incessantly, annoyingly. The lights come
up to reveal MICHAEL. He lies in his bed, clad in his underwear, reading a book, Beyond Good And Evil.
And then, frustratingly -

MICHAEL
It’s your room too, no need to knock.

XANDER
Oh, I didn’t know if they told you that I…

MICHAEL
They told me. They said to expect you sometime between 7 and 8. It’s 7:02 now so...

XANDER
Yeah. That was the window.

MICHAEL
…so I figured it was you. I possess amazing deductive reasoning.

XANDER stares at MICHAEL.

XANDER
Yeah.

MICHAEL
You’re a man of a few words.

XANDER
Yeah.

XANDER still stares awkwardly.

MICHAEL
Well make yourself at home.

XANDER holds out his hand.

I’m Xander Roberts.

MICHAEL considers the hand for a moment. He shakes it.

MICHAEL
Michael.

XANDER
Michael. Nice to see you…(almost says “again”)

MICHAEL goes back to reading. Awkward pause and then-

What happened to your other roommate?

MICHAEL
I asked him to leave.

XANDER
Why?

MICHAEL
He asked too many questions.

XANDER
Oh. Really?

MICHAEL
No, not really. He was expelled for cheating. Stole a test or something.

XANDER
Oh.

MICHAEL
Didn’t make any sense.

XANDER
Why?

MICHAEL
Let’s just say he was a bit of a Poindexter. No need to cheat.

XANDER
I guess you really never know someone.

MICHAEL
gives him a look

Yeah, I guess.

MICHAEL goes back to reading. XANDER meanders around the room, hands in pockets. And then -

XANDER
I’ve been living at home but my dad thought a roommate might be a good idea.

MICHAEL
Why?

XANDER
I’m socially awkward.

MICHAEL
Really?

XANDER
You couldn’t tell?

MICHAEL
No, I could tell.

XANDER
Oh.

MICHAEL
And your father thought this would help?

XANDER
I don’t know. Maybe.

MICHAEL
scoffs

Right.

XANDER
I think it might.

MICHAEL
Sink or swim I guess.

a beat, XANDER looks at MICHAEL gawklingly

Is your father a shrink?

XANDER
No.

MICHAEL
I thought maybe he was.

XANDER
He’s a salesman.

MICHAEL
Cars?

XANDER
Insurance.

MICHAEL
Oh.

XANDER sits on his MICHAEL’s bed, touches his leg and smiles broadly. And then, about is book-

I really need to finish this.

XANDER
Oh. Right. Sorry.

MICHAEL goes back to his book. XANDER goes to his bed and begins to unpack. After a moment -

XANDER
Is your dad still the CEO of Bayer?

MICHAEL looks up from his book, suspicious..

MICHAEL
Yes. Actually he’s a majority shareholder now.

XANDER
I’m not surprised.

MICHAEL
Well I’m very surprised.

XANDER
About what?

MICHAEL
You know my father?

XANDER
No.

MICHAEL
You must.

XANDER
I know him from the papers, the news, Facebook.

MICHAEL
But how did you know he was my father?

XANDER
From your name.

MICHAEL
From just Michael?


XANDER
No.

MICHAEL
Then?

XANDER
Your last name.

MICHAEL
I just said Michael. I never told you my last name.

XANDER
You did. Michael Franklin.

MICHAEL
I never tell anyone my last name. It keeps away the money grubbers and gold diggers.

XANDER
I’m not that.

MICHAEL
Then what are you?

XANDER
a beat, and then, sort of glibly

A sophomore.

MICHAEL laughs slightly.

MICHAEL
What’s your major?

XANDER
My major?

MICHAEL
Yes, why are you here at this institution of higher education?

XANDER
Law. Pre-law. Eventually, I want to study law.

MICHAEL
Really?

XANDER
Yes.

MICHAEL
You don’t seem like the talkative type.

XANDER
Corporate law.

MICHAEL
Not criminal?

XANDER
No.

MICHAEL
Good.

XANDER
Why is it good?

MICHAEL
No reason.

XANDER
Then why did you ask?

MICHAEL
ignoring the question

You must plan to settle your cases so you won’t have to speak, right?

XANDER
I guess. Not always though.

MICHAEL suddenly laughs.

What?

MICHAEL
I just had this image from The Paper Chase. Do you know the movie?

XANDER
Yes.

MICHAEL
There’s a great scene where the law professor gives one of his students a dime and says, “Call your mother. Tell her there is serious doubt about you becoming a lawyer.”

MICHAEL laughs.

Do you think that will happen to you?

XANDER
No.

MICHAEL
Don’t be too sure about that.

XANDER
You were always like this. It’s just like before, pushing buttons.

MICHAEL
I’m known for pushing buttons, especially in my high school years.

XANDER
I’m well aware.

MICHAEL
Good old Saint Bartholomew High School.

a beat

I’m surprised you could afford it.

XANDER
I had a scholarship.

MICHAEL
Ah, so that’s how you know me. High School. I’m not surprised; I was very…

XANDER
Infamous?

MICHAEL
I was going to say popular.

XANDER
Depends on your point of view, I guess.

MICHAEL
And I do feel like I’ve seen you, maybe in passing. I just can’t place the face. I mean I doubt we traveled in the same circles. You don’t seem like the athletic type. Your type is more like, let me guess…um, the debate club…no that can’t be it, you’re not very gregarious…oh in case you didn’t know, that means talkative.

XANDER
I know what gregarious means.

MICHAEL
…or maybe…home economics…or…

XANDER
loudly

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

MICHAEL
…or drama. I’m sure that’s it. You seem like the dramatic type.

XANDER
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep!

MICHAEL
I’m not trying to push your buttons. I’m just trying to figure out where I know you from.

XANDER
Where I know you! You don’t need the preposition “from” at the end.

MICHAEL
small chuckle

…where I know you.

XANDER
You don’t.

MICHAEL
It seems I must.

XANDER
I know you.

MICHAEL
You mean you know of me. My infamy.
XANDER
No. I know you.

MICHAEL stares at him intently, almost face to face. A memory sparks.

MICHAEL
Take off your glasses.