Alice in Wonderland by Timothy Quigley

This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

ALICE IN WONDERLAND
by Tim Quigley, based on the Lewis Carroll story

Characters:
Alice age 10 - 15
Bonnie Alice's sister
Willy The White Rabbit
Bob Barker The Dog that controls the 3 doors
Mickey mouse
Dolly dodo bird
Dippy duck
Ernie eaglet
Bill lizard
Chiller the caterpillar
Penelope the pigeon
Phillip a footman (fish)
Fred a footman (frog)
Duchess
Cook
Chester a Cheshire cat
March Hare
Mad Hatter
Drowsy a dormouse
Queen of Hearts
Card #2
Card #5
Card #7
King of Hearts
Knave of Hearts
Gryphon an ugly creature
Maynard the mock turtle

Sets / effects are suggested. Directors and creative staff can leave
as much or as little up to the imagination of the audience.

ACT I / Scene 1 Alice and Bonnie are lazing about a tree (with a
large hole in the base). Bonnie is reading a book. Alice is bored.

ALICE So what are you reading?

BONNIE What I always read - Harry Potter.

ALICE Harry Potter and the Temple of Doom!

BONNIE There is no such book. This one, number 162 in the series, is
Harry Potter Goes to Mars!

ALICE How boring. I can't decide whether to go home and study or
take a short nap right here. (closes her eyes).

WILLY (enters in a rush, changing directions every few paces) Wow! I
am weawy wate! Not much time weft. Oh, no!

BONNIE What do you think he is late for?

ALICE (opens her eyes to take in the sight of the dapperly dressed
rabbit) How should I know?

BONNIE Maybe he is getting married and can't find the church.

ALICE You think rabbits get married? You ought to read some other
authors.

BONNIE Ask him why don't you. You have nothing better to do.

ALICE You have a point. Mr. Rabbit, what exactly are you late for?

WILLY Four? Four? Are you pwaying through? You should correct that
swice ..
wo hoo. I am sooooo wate!

ALICE Wait or late?

WILLY Weally wate!

ALICE Your name is Weally Wait?

WILLY No of course not! I am Wiwwy, but I can't stop to chat.
(looks at his pocket watch). Wo hoo! She is going to be so mad!

ALICE No, please wait.

WILLY Can't wait I'm wate. Ta ta! (jumps down the rabbit hole)

BONNIE Did you get any of that conversation?

ALICE Oh, sure. Didn't you?

BONNIE No. I think that white rabbit has some serious problems.

ALICE I have just got the find out if he is late. And, if so, for
what. (goes down the rabbit hole)

BONNIE Are you crazy! You'll get your clothes dirty. Mom will be
mad. You'll be late yourself - for dinner. Alice. Alice. Alice!!!
Come baaaaaack ......

Special effect of ALICE falling and falling, spinning as stage
lights go DARK.


ACT 1 / Scene 2 A loud thud is heard on stage, simulating Alice's
landing. As the lights fade up, we can see ALICE on the ground in a
heap. A scrim upstage has 3 doors painted on it: 2 very large doors
and one very small (1') is door #3. BOB BARKER is standing center
stage. There is a small table next to him.

BOB And, our next contestant has just "come on down". Pull
yourself together and smile for the audience.

ALICE What audience?

BOB And, where are you from and what do you do?

ALICE Up there. Not much. Where am I?

BOB Oh, isn't she cute. (loud whisper) Hey, smile - you're
supposed to be having fun.

ALICE And, who are you?

BOB Come on, where have you been living in hole? I'm Bob Barker,
the host of the most popular game show in history.

ALICE This is Do You Want to be a Millionaire?

BOB What's that rhino Regis got that I haven't got?

ALICE A million dollar prize?

BOB Besides that.

ALICE He hasn't got me.

BOB Precisely!

ALICE So what can I win?

BOB First, a key to one of those doors. (shows her the keys on the
table)

ALICE What's behind the doors?

BOB Well, behind door number one is a man eating lion. Behind door
number two is snake infested swamp. And, behind door number three is a
lovely garden with water falls and lots of flowers.

ALICE I'll take door number three.

BOB Good choice. Now, how much is this key worth at your local
hardware store? $.10? $1? Or $10.

ALICE You can't buy anything for ten cents. And, I don't think
ten dollars sounds right, so I'll take $1.

BOB Is that your final answer?

ALICE I'll tell Regis on you.

BOB OK, it is one dollar. You win!! (hands her the key)

ALICE (runs to the little door and opens a flap on the scrim or flat
with a painted scene of a garden inside, but she can't get through
the door as it is too small and she closes the door) Hey, wait a
minute. I can't get through there, it is too small.

BOB So, you want to play again.

ALICE What's the catch?

BOB Catch. Catch? No I don't have time for that now. Besides,
humans always want to do all the throwing and want me to pick up the
ball in my mouth and bring it back to them. How disgusting.

ALICE (impatiently) What's the next game?

BOB Oh. Well, you can get through that door to all the fabulous
prizes that await you - if, you are small enough.

ALICE I don't get it.

BOB I have here a bottle of magical beverage. If you drink it makes
you smaller. The more you drink the smaller you get. Just tell me the
price of a first class letter stamp.

ALICE Who uses the mail anymore? Everything is done by the
Internet.

BOB They still have post offices - it is a nostalgia thing. Someone
has to deliver the stuff you buy over on the Web.

ALICE Fed Ex?

BOB OK, is a stamp $.75, $1.75 or $75?

ALICE They are seventy five cents now!

BOB Good guess. Here you are. (hands her a bottle that says "drink
me" in large letters on the label)

ALICE Hey, let me read this and make sure is it not labeled poison.
(she puts the key on the table and drinks. She starts to shrink and
wilts to the floor or via a hydraulic lift / trap door / lighting to
mask) I feel like I am shutting up like a telescope!

BLACKOUT

ACT I / Scene 3

The scrim is raised. Upstage is a normal sized door that looks just
like the small door in the scrim. Down stage is a very large replica
of the table where she left the key. It is too high for her to reach
the key.

Lights back up.

ALICE (Tries the door, but realizes she doesn't have the key. She
slaps her brow and returns to the table finding to her dismay that she
has shrunk too much to reach the key.) This isn't going very well.
Well, at least I didn't shrink down to microscopic size or disappear
all together. I need to keep my wits about me and persevere. Oooo!
That is good advice. (to audience) I usually give myself good advice.
But, I seldom follow it. (calling) OK Mr. Barker, now what. Another
game? (no answer - but, she spots a piece of cake under the table on a
plate. Sticking out of the cake is a stick with a note that says EAT
ME) A piece of magical cake - how thoughtful. If it makes me taller, I
can reach the key. If it makes me even smaller, I can crawl under the
door. Either way I am in! I better take just a small bite first. (She
takes a small bite and waits feeling the top of her head to see if she
was growing or shrinking) Nothing. Well, that is usually the result
when you have a taste of cake. (She then eats the rest. The lights dim
except for a spot on her as she starts to shake.) Oh, my! Now I am
opening like the largest telescope ever! Good-bye feet. I wonder who
will put their shoes and socks on? I surely won't be able.
Wooooooo!

(The spot goes out and when the lights come back up, we find Alice
and a very tiny replica of the door (~6") and a very small replica
of the table. She needs to bend way over to pick the tiny key replica
off the table.)

ALICE Did you ever wonder how it would be to be very tall - a giant?
But, how can I fit through doors to get warm and get something to
eat? Oh, dear! (she begins to cry, a lot! And she continues to cry as
she speaks) I have never cried so hard. Boo hoo. Oh, I am getting wet
from my own tears!

WILLY (enters in a rush carrying a pair of white gloves and a fan)
Weawwy, weawwy wait. Oh, the Duchess, the Duchess! She will be sooooo
mad if I keep her waiting! Oh, wats!

ALICE Oh, Mr. Rabbit if you please ...

WILLY (startled by Alice he drops the gloves and fan and runs off
stage) Wo hoo!

ALICE (picks up the gloves in one hand and the fan in the other and
fans herself)
This has certainly been an odd day. Yesterday was so normal. Maybe I
changed during the night. (the lights fade out to just a spot on her
face) If I am not the same, then who am I? I certainly am not Ada, her
hair is very curly - ringlets actually - not me. I can't be Mabel,
for I know all sorts of things, and she knows very little. Besides, if
I am one of them, then who are they? Very confusing. My feet are
feeling kind of wet. Actually, my legs do too. (the lights come back
up and the oversized door and table are now on stage as she continues
to fan herself) Oh, my! I am small again. How could that be? (she
looks and the fan and stops fanning herself) Oh, dear, that was close.
I almost fanned myself to the size of a grain of sand. (she begins to
swim about) Salty water! Salty? My own tears I cried when I was a
giant! If had kept on fanning, I might have drowned in my own tears.

MICKEY (a loud splash is heard as he enters stands on a small block
and jumps into the imaginary water and begins swimming) Salty?

ALICE Whoa! That must be a walrus or maybe a hippopotamus! No, I
forgot that I am so small. It is only a mouse.

MICKEY (to audience, whispering) Only a mouse? Only a mouse!

ALICE I don't think he understood me. Maybe he doesn't speak the
king's English. A French mouse perhaps. When did the French come to
England? I remember a lesson about William the Conqueror - but, when
was that? Lets see, the first sentence I memorized in French class
was .... (loudly) Ou est ma chatte?

MICKEY Ahaaa! (jumps up onto the block and quivers with fright)

ALICE Oh, I hurt his feelings. I suppose he wouldn't like my cat.
Sorry.

MICKEY Cats are nasty, low, vulgar things. My family has always hated
cats!

DOLLY DODO, DIPPY DUCK, ERNIE EAGLET and as many other creatures as
may be available (enter and jump in the pool and begin swimming) Ad
lib.

ALICE Are you fond of ... dogs? I met a dog named Bob Barker of all
things. Do you know him?

MICKEY Where have you been? Of course I know Bob Barker, who
doesn't?

ALICE It is getting quite crowded in here. I have had enough of a
swim. (she leads the menagerie out of the pool as they all try to
shake off the water)

DOLLY How ever will we get dry?

DIPPY I thought water should run right off me. I must have done
something to my suit of feathers.

ERNIE Well we are sure birds of a feather, aren't we now.

ALICE I shall catch a nasty cold if I do not dry off soon.

MICKEY Sit down all of you. (they do) This is the driest thing I
know. Ahem! Silence all round if you please. 'William the Conqueror,
whose cause was favored by the pope, was soon submitted to by the
English, who wanted leaders, and had been much accustomed to
usurpation and conquest. Edwin ...'

ERNIE (under his breath) Give me a break.

MICKEY Who said that? (silence) To continue ... 'Edwin and Morcar,
the earls of Mercia and Nothumbria ...'

DOLLY Spare me.

MICKEY Now, who said that? Do you want dry or not? (all shake their
heads yes while Mickey is looking and no when he turns away) Now,
where was I.

DIPPY Freezing, wet and miserable next to this pool of salt water.

MICKEY (ignores Dippy) 'Even Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of
Canterbury, found it advisable ...'

DIPPY Found what?

MICKEY Found it! Of course, you know what it means?

DIPPY I do know what it means when I find a thing. Generally, a worm
or a frog. The question is what did the archbishop find?

MICKEY (to Alice) How are you getting on now, young lady?

ALICE As wet as ever. Get on with it.

DOLLY I vote we adjourn this meeting and have a Caucus Race to dry
off. (all look at each other and shrug)

ALICE I am almost afraid to ask. But I must, it appears.

DIPPY What appeared?

ALICE What is a Caucus Race?

DOLLY It is easier just to start.

(They all run in all sorts of directions, hopping at times, leap
frogging, whatever they want to do as long as it looks totally
disorganized and silly.)

DOLLY The race is over!

ALL Who won?

DOLLY (After much deliberation) Everybody has won, and all must have
prizes! What have you young lady?

ALICE Me? (she searches her pockets and finds a small bag of wrapped
candies) How about candy for everyone! (they all cheer madly as she
hands them out)

ERNIE But the girl must also have a prize. What else do you have?

ALICE (produces a thimble from her pocket) Just this thimble.

DIPPY Give it here. (she does) We beg your acceptance of this
elegant thimble. (he gives it back to her)

ALL (Cheer ad lib.) (Then they get very quiet and stare at their
piece of candy and upon a silent signal they all tear off the paper
and eat the candy vigorously with much commotion and fanfare. Then
they all sit in a circle and beg Mickey to tell them more (ad lib).
They become quiet when MICKEY clears his throat)

ALICE I wish Dinah were here.

DOLLY Who is Dinah.

ALICE My cat.

ALL THE BIRDS AND MICKEY Cat!!!! (and they all simultaneously make
silly excuses why they have to go home ad lib - each to make up their
own and ALL exit, leaving Alice alone and she starts to cry)

Fade to DARK

ACT I / Scene 3 The door and table are removed from the stage. ALICE
continues to sob.

WILLY (enters running, well willy nilly) Where could I have dwopped
them? The Duchess. Oh, the Duchess! Oh, my dear paws. Oh, my fur and
whiskers. She will have me executed as sure as a fewwet is, well a
fewwet! Off with his head! She will shout. Dear me.

ALICE (to the audience) He must be looking for his gloves and fan.
If I can find them, he will have to talk to me. (she starts looking
around) Where did the table go? Where is the door to the garden?
Things down here are certainly strange.

WILLY Mawy Anne, fetch my gwoves and fan from the cottage at once, I
am weawwy wait.

ACT I / Scene 4

ALICE (Without thinking she heads off in the direction the white
rabbit points, then stops) Hey, he thinks I am his house maid. I
better go fetch his things before he figures out who I am. (she runs
to a set, which is now lighted of a very small cottage and goes
inside)
I best find them before the real Mary Anne shows up and throws me out
for impersonating a house maid. Here are several pair of gloves and a
fan. But, what is this? Something to drink. It has no label, so I
shouldn't drink it. However, every time I eat or drink something
down here something interesting happens. And, I am getting tired of
being so small. (She drinks and the lights go out) My word! I am
growing again, far too fast. I better get out of here. I am sure I can
get a leg through here. Oh, oh. (the lights fade up and the audience
sees a very large fake leg sticking out of the cottage window. ALICE
is still inside and can wiggle it about) Maybe this will help.
(another very large fake leg sticks out of another window or the
chimney) Guess not. Now what am I going to do? It was much more
pleasant at home. I should have been studying my lessons instead of
chasing some dumb old rabbit. Well, at least I have stopped growing.
When I used to read fairly tales, I thought they were not true at all.
And now I am in one. How curious. Someone should write a book about
me. When I grow up, I shall write a book. But, perhaps now I shall
never grow any older. That wouldn't be so bad. I would never become
an old lady. On the other hand, I would have to study lessons forever.
That's not a good thing.

WILLY (enters) Mawy Anne. Mawy Anne, where have you been? I need my
gwoves this minute. (he tries to open the door by pushing in) Seems
to be something blocking the doorway. I'll twy the window. (he walks
around the cottage) Not wikely. This calls for Biwl. Oh, Biwl!! Oh,
Biwl!!

BILL (enters slowly and consults with WILLY in whispers and lots of
body language) (with a southern drawl) I could go in that thar little
winder in the back and see what might be in thar. (he tries, but comes
flying back out) Now I know what one of them jacket in the boxes feels
like…. It could get on your nerves.

WILLY I am weawwy wate and Duchess will have my head! I need my
gwoves and they are in there. What do you think?

BILL We could take the roof off.

ALICE (From inside the cottage.) I'll sic my cat on you! (this
startles both WILLY and BILL)

BILL Well, we could burn the house down.

WILLY Isn't that a bit severe?

ALICE I agree.

BILL By the size of them legs a sticking out those winders, I would
say you left some of my magic growth elixir around the cottage without
a proper FDA approved label and some gal got thirsty and drank
something without a label, which she knowed she warnt supposed to do.

ALICE Oh, oh.

WILLY Could be.

BILL Guess we gotta use some of mama's anti magic cornbread cakes.
(he throws some in through a crack in the door)

ALICE Having trouble getting my hand down there. Got one! Now I have
got to get it up to my mouth. Oh, finally. (mumbles as though her
mouth was full) This is really very good. A little dry though. Kind of
sticks to the roof of your mouth. Could use a glass of milk. Big glass
of milk. (the oversized legs retract from the windows) Thank goodness.
Here are your fan and gloves. (she tosses them out and WILLY grabs
them and makes a speedy exit. BILL follows as his own pace). I need to
straighten up a bit and find something to wash down this ... cornbread
I think you said.

(She exits the cottage and finds herself alone again, and she starts walking, smelling
some flowers)

[end of extract]

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