Aria for a Lamborghini by Bob Galley
CAST
DON An expert counterfeiter
ALFRED Hallucinating family member and parliamentarian
GEORGE Family member and inept marksman
AMELIA Aspiring but hopeless operatic soprano
EDWINA Another family member and cook
MARCIA George's twin sister
The stage has two entrances R and Rear L. There is a window L. A large
curtain covers most of the back wall, sufficient for someone to hide
behind. There are a few chairs and a large desk, partly occupied by a
computer. As the curtain opens, (Music- “Godfather” theme) DON is
sitting at a desk. He puts down a violin case, pulls out a huge roll
of bank notes which he stuffs in his breast pocket and then becomes
busily engaged on some intricate art work. He is a sinister
“Godfather” type. He remains working, oblivious to all that happens
around him. A voice,(female) is heard off L singing loud, operatic
arias.
ALFRED: (off R.) Amelia, shut up.
(The singing continues.)
Well, don't say we didn't warn you.
(The singing continues as GEORGE enters R carrying a rifle, goes to
the window and fires. The singing goes on.)
GEORGE: Damn. Missed.
[ALFRED enters R, hands pressed against his ears.]
ALFRED: George. Stop shooting out the window.
GEORGE: Why?
ALFRED: Why? Why?
[He looks around as if he is asking some absent person. He appears to
get an answer.]
ALFRED: The neighbours might complain.
GEORGE: No they won't. We live next door to the cemetery. They're all
deaf.
[PAUSE, while the singing continues.]
ALFRED: Lucky, aren't they. Amelia, shut up.
[Singing continues. GEORGE patrols the room like a soldier with the
rifle at the ready. He searches behind the curtain, both doors and
periodically out the window.]
Shut up. We can't stand the noise.
[He goes to the door L, opens it and shouts.]
Shut up!
[Singing continues. He stops as if listening to the unseen person.]
Yes, yes. Why didn't I think of that. (off) No ice cream for you
tonight.
[Singing stops.]
GEORGE: Clever. Very clever.
ALFRED: Works every time. Now George we really do have to have a talk
about what to do with the ice cream—the money—the money—Ice
cream with a cherry—cherry—[Slaps himself.] No, the money—-
before Amelia and all the others come.
GEORGE: Yes.
ALFRED: It's a big problem, George. Big problem. Very big. [Slaps
himself] I thought we should discuss it first because we are the only
ones in this family who are sane.
[DON turns round.]
With the exception of you, Don.
[He goes to DON looking over his shoulder.]
That's good. Almost as good as Uncle Arthur.
DON: Uncle Arthur. He was the best.
[ALFRED stands rigidly to attention.]
GEORGE &ALFRED: He was the best.
[GEORGE puts the rifle down.]
ALFRED: The best.
[He sniffs as if trying to stifle tears.]
DON: Yes.
[GEORGE confronts ALFRED.]
GEORGE: Stop snivelling. He's gone now and the disaster wasn't your
fault. We have a problem. Abdul.
DON: Abdul! The fence. He's good.
ALFRED: Yes he is. We do have to admit that it was good, a good move
of—of-
GEORGE: Marcia's
ALFRED: Yes. Marcia's. Good move to recruit him. A Sydney cab driver
distributing our, our-
GEORGE: Forgeries
[DON thumps the desk and grabs the violin case.]
DON: Never use that word. Not forgeries. Works of art.
[He holds up bank notes.]
GEORGE: Yes, Don. Sorry Don.
[Don grunts, and returns to his etching.]
But it's too dangerous now. They've decided to have all Sydney cab
drivers speak English.
DON: Good idea. And then if they could learn their way around-
GEORGE: Don, if Abdul can communicate, he can answer questions.
DON: He's got to go.
GEORGE: Marcia won't like it.
DON: Then Marcia's got to go.
ALFRED: Yes! Yes! That's the answer. The question is how? I just can't
see it.
GEORGE: I see it.
[He takes the rifle and shoots out of the window again.]
Missed again. I'll get it one day. Bloody pigeon.
[ALFRED has covered his ears, distressed by the gunfire.]
ALFRED: Put that thing down.
[He grabs the rifle.]
Shit that's hot.
[He puts the rifle down.]
Now we need to discuss what to do about Marcia.
GEORGE: She'll be here soon.
ALFRED: I can't stand her.
GEORGE: Neither can I.
DON: But she's your twin sister.
GEORGE: Perhaps that's why I can't stand her.
ALFRED: [Takes the rifle to the window.]
You don't think you could—as she comes across the lawn—you
know—terrible accident—aiming at the pigeons that were pooping on
the statue of Uncle Arthur.
DON: Uncle Arthur, he was the best.
[ALL come reverently to attention. ALFRED presents arms.]
ALL: Uncle Arthur, he was the best.
ALFRED: The best.[sniffs.]
[GEORGE takes the rifle, looks out the window, and aims.]
GEORGE: Tempting. Very tempting, but we need her signature. Besides
I've run out of shot.
[He puts the rifle down.]
ALFRED: So soon! I'll tell Edwina to put it on the shopping list.
[ALFRED moves to exit.]
GEORGE: Thank you Alfred. And then go to the library and get the
report. It should have been printed by now.
[ALFRED moves to door R. He stops, as if he's heard something.]
ALFRED: Yes, you're right. I could forge Marcia's signature.
[DON thumps the table.]
DON: Forge! Never use that word. We do not forge, we make artistic
reproductions.
GEORGE: Don, Don, Alfred wasn't referring to your particular
occupation, he meant that if we could reproduce Marcia's signature,
with sufficient authenticity-
DON: Easy. Even you could do that.
GEORGE: Yes. Not as professioinal as you Don, but I could.
DON: But you won't. We don't do that sort of thing. It's wrong.
ALFRED: But—-
GEORGE &DON: Library.
GEORGE: And don't forget the ice cream.
[ALFRED exits R.]
He's never been right since the disaster.
[DON grimaces at the word “Disaster”. GEORGE moves to door L.]
Amelia. He's gone.
[The singing starts again, reaching an excruciatingly painful high
note.]
You can come out now.
[AMELIA enters She is a large lady, with a very sophisticated and
sensual delivery.]
AMELIA: My high C. I got my high C. I'm ready now. I can go back to
the Conservatorium and they'll have to eat their words. How dare they
say I have no talent. They will have to admit it won't they?
[DON &GEORGE shake their heads.]
But I will go back. We can bribe them again, can't we?
[DON &GEORGE continue.]
If I go back I can distribute Don's forg-
DON: Don't-
AMELIA: Don's ingeniously engineered replicas of the tokens of
commerce. I could liaise with Abdul-
DON &GEORGE: No!
[AMELIA has moved to DON's desk.]
AMELIA: No. O well, there's plenty of other randy cab drivers. O Don,
that's very sloppy. Look.
[She takes the pen and makes a mark on DON's work. DON looks and is
stunned.]
DON: That's good. That's very good. Almost as good as (pause) Uncle
Arthur.
[AMELIA stands reverently, GEORGE is obviously tiring of this.]
ALL: He was the best.
[EDWINA enters R. carrying an ice cream with a cherry.]
EDWINA: Ice cream.
AMELIA: Oooh goody! And a cherry. I love cherries.
EDWINA: O, do you?
[EDWINA takes the cherry and throws it out the window.]
AMELIA: She took my cherry. She took my cherry.
[AMELIA follows EDWINA and pulls her round. Both shape up like
boxers. GEORGE has to separate them.]
GEORGE: Stop it you two. It's not your turn.
AMELIA: But she took my cherry. I just won't have anyone taking my
cherry. You're heartless all of you. I shall go to the library.
[She exits.]
EDWINA: Good riddance. Now Don, give us a bit of cash, I've got to go
down to the town.
[DON reaches for some ” money”.]
GEORGE: No, Edwina.
EDWINA: But I can go to the garage and the hotel and everywhere, and I
can use some of this and come back with some real stuff.
DON: Yes. Good idea.
[He hands the notes to EDWINA but GEORGE stops him.]
GEORGE: No, it's too risky.
[DON puts the notes down. EDWINA fondles him.]
EDWINA: O come on Don. I'll buy you some jelly beans.
[DON hands over the notes, but GEORGE stops him.]
And I'll get some more shot for you George.
GEORGE: O good.
[He releases his grip on the notes, which EDWINA takes.]
Marcia's coming.
EDWINA: Well in case she arrives before I get back, here's a spare
one.
[She tosses a bullet to GEORGE who loads the rifle.]
Won't be long. I'll take the Lamborghini.
[She exits quickly. FX. A slamming car door followed by the sound of
a high performance car fading away.]
GEORGE: Ah!
[He aims out the window and fires.]
A hit! A very palpable hit.
DON: You mean—-?
[GEORGE nods. He puts the rifle down. DON bows his head briefly.
GEORGE follows. AMELIA's singing starts off. It is “Liebstod” from
“Tristan and Isolde”.]
ALFRED: (off) I can't stand it.
[ALFRED storms in.]
ALFRED: I can't stand that racket. What with Stalin in this ear and
Joan of Arc in this one, that bloody Leoncavello or whatever the hell
it is drives me completely in—what on earth happened?
[DON points to the rifle and then the window and continues with his
work.]
What!
[He looks at the rifle.]
You've done it! You've done it. Congratulations, George. About time.
That gets rid of one of our major problems.
[AMELIA enters.]
But here comes another one.
AMELIA: Alfred I've been looking for you. I got my high C. Listen.
[She sings.]
ALFRED: I'll go back to the library.
[He exits.]
GEORGE: I'll go too.
[GEORGE exits. AMELIA continues to sing. She turns and realizes that
they have gone.]
AMELIA: Philistines. You know, Don, that's what's wrong with this
family, no culture. But you Don, you're different. A true artist, that
is why you appreciate my aria.
[DON looks up. He has ear muffs on.]
DON: Did you say something?
[AMELIA is deflated.]
Where's the others?
AMELIA: They've all gone.
[DON returns to his work. AMELIA goes to him. GEORGE sneaks in and
hides behind the curtain. DON is aware of this, AMELIA is not.]
You, know, Don, Don!
[She jostles him. He removes the ear muffs.]
We don't really need them, do we. The two of us, we can handle it
all. You're the genius, the one who does all the—Don, serial
numbers! Be more careful. And as far as the distribution goes, I can
handle it all.
[DON stops his work and looks at her quizzically.]
Through the cultural centre. I can circulate thousands of the
forger-
[DON turns and points at her.]
the alternatives to the Government's legal tender.
You have to admit that's much more sophisticated than Marcia's little
scheme with taxi drivers and Edwina's paltry efforts, disposing of a
little bit here and there at shopping centres.
DON: Good system.
AMELIA: Yes, when she goes down to Sydney, but it's far too risky
here. I mean, in a little town like this, with a population of less
than a hundred, someone will eventually realize that thousands of
dollars in crisp new bank notes appearing, on a regular basis, is, to
put it mildly, just a little curious, particularly as the nearest bank
is over two hours drive away, even in a Lamborghini. And don't forget
the disaster!
DON: The disaster!
AMELIA: It killed Uncle Arthur.
DON: He was the
AMELIA: Yes. [pause.] But, that's all in the past.
[End of Extract]