Bananas - 9 Short Comedies by Edward Crosby Wells
This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent
MISSING BAGGAGE (from Bananas)
AT RISE: MAN and CLERK (M or F) are at an airline service counter, their
conversation in progress ...
CLERK: I told you, sir. It’s almost here. You’ll only have to wait until the plane from Dallas arrives.
MAN: (Shouting.) Why is my baggage in Dallas?
CLERK: Please, sir. Shouting will get you nowhere. Besides, it is not in Dallas.
(Looking at watch.) It’s in the air.
MAN: I’m going to sue you!
CLERK: That will be nice, sir.
MAN: Did you hear what I said?
CLERK: With both ears, sir. You’re going to sue me, wasn’t it?
MAN: Are you retarded or something . . . backwards?
CLERK: My life is so backwards that I find myself standing on my head when I
least expect it. In the service industry it is often required.
MAN: Standing on your head?
CLERK: I’m very good at it, sir. I find myself in that position one or two times a
day. Shall I show you? (Begins bending to show him.)
MAN: Stop it. (Looking around.) You’ll embarrass me.
CLERK: I cannot imagine that, sir. You can only embarrass yourself, sir. Are you embarrassed?
MAN: I am not embarrassed! I’ve never embarrassed myself.
CLERK: As you say, sir. Although, most people embarrass themselves every day.
MAN: I am not most people. I’m a person who is missing his baggage.
CLERK: Most people would find that a distinct advantage. It lightens their load . .. makes them more agreeable.
MAN: All I want is my baggage. I’m not here to be agreeable.
CLERK: Indeed, you’re not. t’is a pity.
MAN: You’re taking a tone with me, aren’t you?
CLERK: I certainly am not, but if I were taking a tone I wouldn’t know where to put it.
MAN: I can tell you where to put it!
CLERK: And I would gladly, sir. Then you shouldn’t mind if I bend over backwards for you. (Starts to bend backwards.)
MAN: Stop it! Are you insane?
CLERK: It’s this job, sir. It’s required of me.
MAN: What am I supposed to do without my baggage, huh?
CLERK: It’s almost here, sir. It will be here within two hours.
MAN: I have a meeting in one.
CLERK: Will it be a short meeting?
MAN: Relatively.
CLERK: Relative to what?
MAN: To how long I’ve been waiting for my baggage.
CLERK: The plane will arrive in almost no time—barring incident.
MAN: Incident? What kind of incident?
CLERK: The usual. One never knows. Chances are everything is honky-dory, or is it hunky-dory?
MAN: I don’t know.
CLERK: That’s too bad. I’d hate to be the purveyor of ill-used words.
MAN: Honky and hunky mean two entirely different things.
CLERK: Yes they do. Anyway, barring “incident,” your baggage should be on the plane.
MAN: Should? Aren’t you certain?
CLERK: Unless there is an incident, as I said, or there was a mix-up, sir.
MAN: (Shouts.) Mix-up!
CLERK: Please keep your voice down, sir. It could be an act of God.
MAN: What could be an act of God?
CLERK: Just about anything, sir.
MAN: What has God got to do with my baggage?
CLERK: Well . . . maybe the time is up for everybody on the flight and . . . oops . . . the plane goes boom. Are you a God-fearing man, sir?
MAN: Maybe.
CLERK: Well then, maybe you weren’t meant to have that baggage. You certainly won’t need it when you meet the man upstairs.
MAN: I have no intention of meeting any man upstairs.
CLERK: Almost everyone does, but I can see how you might be an exception . . . Now. Should I stand on my head?
MAN: Go ahead. Stand on your head. What do I care? I’d rather talk to your feet anyway.
CLERK: Too late. Maybe you would like to watch me bite my tongue, instead? Or I could bite yours. Would that embarrass you?
MAN: Do you actually work here?
CLERK: Where’s that, sir?
MAN: Here, here. Are you really a customer service clerk?
CLERK: Indeed I am. I have a badge to prove it. (Proudly showing badge.) See?
MAN: (Spotting something some distance away.) What the . . . What is going on
over there?
CLERK: Over where, sir.
MAN: Down there? (Indicating.)
CLERK: (Turns to look.) Oh, that’s nothing, sir.
MAN: Nothing? He’s beating him with a piece of baggage.
CLERK: They do that sometimes.
MAN: You’re crazy!
CLERK: I certainly am, sir. Crazy for Italian food and hot dogs from a cart.
MAN: Look. There’s a man being beaten with his baggage by a Sky Cap.
CLERK: They do it all the time. At least once or twice a day. . D-B-B
MAN: What are you talking about?
CLERK: Death by baggage. Comes with the territory. Sometimes those Sky Caps just get overwhelmed by all that-
MAN: Baggage. You’re kidding.
CLERK: I never kid, sir. Sometimes Sky Caps forget to turn the other cheek.
Would you like to see me turn the other cheek?
MAN: I’d like you to call security.
CLERK: Is that man being beaten your brother, sir?
MAN: No.
CLERK: You’re uncle, your father or your grandmother?
MAN: What is wrong with you?
CLERK: I’m trying to establish a relationship between you and the victim . . . some sort of connection.
MAN: There isn’t any.
CLERK: Please excuse my impertinence, sir—but if there is no connection
between you and the victim, why is it any business of yours?
MAN: That man is a human being and he’s being abused.
CLERK: You care about human beings?
MAN: I course I do!
CLERK: That comes as quite a shocker, sir.
MAN: It shouldn’t.
CLERK: Can’t argue that.
MAN: You don’t know what it’s like to be abused in a public place.
CLERK: Is that different from being abused in a private place?
MAN: You know what I mean.
CLERK: Presumption has never been my strong suit, sir. (Repeatedly turns head, showing his/her profile first one way and then the other.)
MAN: What are you doing?
CLERK: I’m turning the other cheek, sir.
MAN: Why?
CLERK: That’s what I am paid to do.
MAN: You’re paid to make yourself look like an idiot?
CLERK: I don’t think I make myself look like an idiot. Do you see me that way?
MAN: Almost, if not totally. And stop turning your head. You’re drawing attention.
CLERK: I don’t think so, sir. That man down the concourse appears to be dead.
Ah, yes. The medic is zipping up the bag as we speak. Death by baggage.
MAN: He was murdered by a Sky Cap.
CLERK: It wasn’t his fault, sir.
MAN: Of course it was! He beat the man to death with his own baggage!
{End of Exctract]