Chugger by Kelly Connell
CAST
Sam Abernathy: late 30s - early 40s
Panda: Late 20s - early 30s
Deedee: Mid 20s
NIGHT. A simple set representing a studio apartment: sofa, end table,
chair; kitchen table with three chairs.
Silhoutted figure of a man, PANDA, watches MR S ABERNATHY sleep on the
sofa. DEEDEE sits at the kitchen table. She wears a headset and works
on a computer tablet.
Panda walks up to, and around the sofa. When he arrives at the end
table, he picks up a metal coffee can used to collect pocket change
and shakes it. Mr. S does not move. Panda shakes the can again;
slight movement from under the covers. He shakes the can much harder.
Confused and disoriented, MR. S sits upright.)
MR S
What is that noise?
PANDA
It's your cell phone.
MR S (rubbing his eyes, mumbling)
Oh ok we'll just let juniper
(He lays back down, pulling the covers over his head)
PANDA
You had better answer your phone. If it goes to voicemail you'll
miss the opportunity of a lifetime.
(No response. Panda shakes the pan harder still. Mr. S's hand
appears from under the covers and picks up his phone.
MR S (from under the covers)
Alright alright alright hello?
PANDA (puts down the coffee can)
Hello is this Mr. S Abernathy?
MR S
Who the hell wants to know?
PANDA
I'll ask you again: Is this Mr. S Abernathy?
MR S
Listen Bub I'm not telling you who I am until you tell me who you
are.
PANDA
If this isn't Mr. S Abernathy we'll have to offer the prize to
someone else.
MR S (sits up)
Whoa whoa whoa wait, yes this is me!
PANDA
Oh so this is Mr. S Abernathy?
MR S (jumping out of bed)
Yes yes! Hang on a second, did you say—what prize are you talking
about?
PANDA
Mr. Abernathy you have been chosen completely at random. You are the
winner!
MR S
Oh my gosh really?, what have I won?
PANDA
That depends, what would you like to win?
MR S
Say again?
PANDA
I said what would you like to win?
MR S
You mean I get a choice?
PANDA
Oh yes!
MR S
What are my choices?
PANDA
Anything you want, do you accept?
MR S
I don't know I need time to think-I can win anything I want?
PANDA
If you accept the challenge.
MR S
Hmmm.well ya know I could use a new clock radio.
PANDA
Oh, come on! I hope we've randomly selected someone with a little
imagination!
MR S
Well alright, a new apartment.
PANDA
A new apartment? How about a new house!
MR S
Geez, I hadn't thought—
PANDA
Or maybe something bigger like A MANSION!
MR S
Oh yes yes I see what you mean a mansion, yes! A mansion with a huge
lawn!
PANDA
Very good.
MR S
And a dishwasher.
PANDA
Why not two dishwashers.
MR S
Whoa two dishwashers!?
PANDA
And a FIVE car garage!
MR S
And a vegetable garden.
PANDA
Yes, a vegetable garden with arugula and herbs and rows of corn.
MR S
Miles of corn.
PANDA
Yes!
MR S
Miles and miles of corn!
PANDA
Now you're getting it!
MR S
And a heated pool where I can swim at night with beautiful women who
love to laugh and wrestle!
PANDA
Ok I didn't see that coming but-
MR S
I'm the winner huh?!
PANDA
If you accept the challenge.
MR S (suspicious)
Right.
PANDA
You do like challenges don't you Mr. S Abernathy?
MR S
Sort of
PANDA
Can you spare one little hour of your life?
MR S
Well I'd have to okay it with my Supervisor-
PANDA
He's already requested a front row seat!
Mr S
What, he has? Geez I don't know what would I have to do in that one
little hour?
PANDA
All you have to do after that one little hour is speak seven words
clearly, on Pay-Per-View, with the entire world watching you.
MR S
Seven words?
PANDA
That's it seven words.
MR S
With the entire-
PANDA
Can you speak seven words after one hour Mr. S Abernathy?
MR S
Why of course I can speak seven words in one hour! See, I just spoke
at least ten words and that only took a few seconds. There I just did
it again!
PANDA
Wonderful then you accept!
MR S
I'd still like a little time-
PANDA
I'm gonna need your answer.
MR S
The holidays are coming I was planning to visit my parents in Dayton-
PANDA
4, 3, 2,
MR S
Ok ok YES!