Clinically Un-Depressed by Will Holcomb
This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent
The Scenes
MILLARD’S FRONT PORCH: Millard is an older man who spends his days sitting on his porch yelling at kids. Around the porch are roses he is very proud of. On the porch is a chair for him to sit on and a stand to put his magazines. The ceiling of the porch is sky blue (this might not be important if the audience isn’t at the right vantage point to see it.)
THE BLAKE’S KITCHEN: There is a sink and kitchen counter area, a pantry off to the side and a kitchen table with 4-6 chairs.
HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM: This can just be some chairs where the men sit and wait.
RESTAURANT: Big Bite Burger has a counter for taking orders and a seating area. There would be a menu above the counter for customers to look at.
SCHOOL YARD: This can be as simple as a brick wall or some other type of setting which would indicate it is a school.
DARK ALLEY: This can be done with lighting in an open area of the stage.
MASTER’S HOUSE: Table and chairs down stage.
LEGAL OFFICE: There should be a table and chairs which would look appropriate in a room where lawyers would talk with clients.
HEAVEN: It would be preferred if this is raised area that looks down on the rest of the stage and would allow for a fog machine to give a cloud effect.
TIME: This takes place over a 17-year period where a Vietnam veteran would be in his 60-80 range.
ACT ONE: Scene 1
Setting: (Only down stage lights are up.)
MILLARD: (MILLARD comes to the edge of the stage looking at the audience with the stage lights only on him. He addresses the audience directly.)
You like my suit? It’s my best one. I have some special plans tonight and I want to look extra good.
(He stops and happily contemplates what is coming and ends with excited shivers.)
Sorry, I’ve been looking forward to this day for a long time but that happens after the show. Right now, I want to talk to you about something else. You ever have a moment or experience that transformed your life?
Met someone one day just out of the blue and life was better after that. Gave me a reason to live. You see, I wasn’t a good guy. This smile you see on my face, this peaceful look; it’s never had enough time to wear creases into my face. The wrinkles you see come from an unhappy look. The pattern of wrinkles, those natural creases that form from how you hold your eyes or how you hold your mouth for most of your life, those patterns in my face come from a look I have trouble making now. They’re from the look of a man that doesn’t have a good relationship with people or, in fact, a good relationship with life. I spent most of my life like that. Even in the good times I trained the skin of my face to make that look the easiest one to hold.
But that changed after meeting one person. That’s what I’m here to tell you about and that’s why you’re sitting there right now.
(Jokingly)
Having someone looking this sharp tell the story is just an extra bonus for you. Feel free to leave a tip on the way out.
Okay, on with the story. You see, I was sitting on my front porch one day with that look I was telling you I always wore. You know, every neighborhood has that cranky old man whose only pleasure comes from yelling at kids. I didn’t follow that stereotype; they modeled that stereotype after me. “Get off my grass you little hooligans!” Yeah, that’s mine. But, anyways, I was sitting on my porch and...
(He stops to think)
Wait, I can’t start there. I’d have to do a lot of explaining, you know, character build up and such. If you don’t know the characters, the scene doesn’t work.
(He thinks some more and looks at the audience apologetically.)
Sorry, I should have planned this better. Okay, where to start? Oh, I know.
(He backs up)
Setting: The lights come up on LINDA in the kitchen. There is a small kitchen with a table set for two. LINDA is sadly and reluctantly getting dinner ready by working at the kitchen counter or setting the table. She moves slowly without energy or enthusiasm.
BLAKE: (BLAKE BLACK walks in wearing a dress shirt and a tie loosened around his neck. Unenergetically he throws his jacket over a kitchen chair and flops in another chair without speaking to his wife. He takes the salt and pepper and start putting it liberally on the food.)
LINDA: (Timidly) Honey, you should try it first. I’ve put a lot of seasoning on it.
BLAKE: (He looks up but continues with the shakers.)
LINDA: (Sits down quietly and starts eating. She is obviously bothered by his lack of attentiveness.)
MILLARD: (MILLARD is just watching the scene from the side. He steps behind the table as the couple eats in silence.) This is Blake and Linda Black. Blake is one of those high-paid prosecuting attorneys and an all-around butthead. He and Linda have been married for about four years, and I think the astute audience members can infer it isn’t going well. Linda isn’t perfect by any means but, as you see here, she at least tries. But...
(MILLARD smiles at the audience)
She’s trying a little more than usual today. Up until today this is a pretty typical scene but something different is about to happen.
LINDA: Blake?
BLAKE: (Looks up irritated) Haven’t you ever heard that thing about a man only speaks something like five thousand words a day and a woman speaks over a million or some ridiculous number? I’m a lawyer! I speak way past my quota every day. I don’t want to come home and be forced to make conversation. I want to eat a decent meal and relax in front of the TV. If you want conversation, see if there’s a neighborhood book club or something.
LINDA: I don’t want to have a conversation. We need to have a conversation.
BLAKE: (Slams his fork down) Look! I know where this is going.
(In a mocking voice)
‘Blake, sweetheart, I think we need to get help with our marriage.’ You’re right; we do need to have a conversation. I’ve been thinking too. This isn’t working. Married life isn’t what I’d hoped, and I think we’d both be happier away from each other. And I’ll make sure you’re taken care of. I mean, I won’t screw you in the divorce like the guys I work with have done to their wives.
(BLAKE and LINDA pause as MILLARD speaks)
MILLARD: He’s a stand-up guy, isn’t he? Anybody got a guess what’s coming next?
(At this point, if the audience is receptive MILLARD can field some answers.)
Let’s find out.
LINDA: (Places her head in her hands and weeps. BLAKE does nothing in response. After she gets control back she calmly addresses him.) If you’d said that yesterday, I’d have screamed in joy, danced to the bedroom and packed my bags.
BLAKE: Yesterday?
LINDA: I peed on the stick, Blake. (Waits for the sentence to have meaning for him.)
BLAKE: (Only a confused looked)
LINDA: Blake, I’m pregnant!
MILLARD: (Excitedly jumps towards the audience and plays off the audience’s previous answers.)
It gets better.
BLAKE: (Keeps the confused look, contemplates while moving his lips and head like his is doing some mental calculations.)
Is it mine?
LINDA: (Explodes in anger, stands and throws something at him) How can you say that? You may be a jerk and the biggest mistake of my life but that doesn’t mean I’ve cheated on you! That’s the first thing that comes to your mind.
(BLAKE doesn’t respond so she defeatedly falls back to her seat and they sit in silence for a bit.)
BLAKE: Look, we still have options and a lot of times the pregnancies end themselves anyway.
MILLARD: I think I’m feeling a bond growing between you guys and Blake. It warms my heart.
LINDA: (Gives BLAKE an appalled look)
BLAKE: (With a hopeful look) Adoption?
LINDA: (Shakes her head)
BLAKE: What then? Oh, wait, I know. (Back to mocking LINDA)
‘This is just what we need, Blake. This will save our marriage.’
LINDA: (Calmly) Blake, I know better than that. I’ve seen plenty of my friends fall into that trap. Let’s just not make any decisions right now and see how we feel later.
(Pauses) Look, I know you’re way past your five thousand words. I’m exhausted. You go relax in front of the TV and I’ll go to bed.
BLAKE: (Looks at her seriously for a moment) Linda...
LINDA: (Holds up her hand to stop him, takes her plate to the sink and leaves the room.