Couch Potato by Milton Joseph

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

Lights up. The Wilson household; inside a rundown basement with an old couch placed center stage. A table is placed by the couch. Clothing, games, controllers, cords, etc. are spread all over a messy floor. DARIUS WILSON lays on the couch watching TV, eating snacks and drinking pop straight from a 2L bottle. JULIA WILSON peeks her head in.

JULIA: Darius, honey?

DARIUS: Yea?

JULIA: Dinner’s ready.

DARIUS: Alright.

JULIA: …do you want me to bring it down for you?

DARIUS: Mm hmm.

JULIA: Okay!

JULIA exits. DARIUS continues to snack while watching TV. JULIA returns with some food, placing it on a table.

JULIA: Darius! Have you been eating snacks before dinner again?

DARIUS: Sorry, Mom. Lost track of time.

JULIA: Alright. Just pay more attention next time, okay?

DARIUS: Yup. Thanks, Mom.

The doorbell rings.

JULIA: Hm? Wonder who that could be.

JULIA exits.

JULIA: [offstage] Oh, hello! Um, Darius, honey! Chelsea is here!

DARIUS: Oh shiiit!

DARIUS hastily cleans the room. CHELSEA enters, holding a box from Amazon containing a Gamecube controller.

CHELSEA: What are you doing, dork?

DARIUS: Bonjour, mademoiselle. I am currently cleaning my chambers.

CHELSEA: What, because I’m here?

DARIUS: Hey, I gotta make the place at least somewhat presentable.

CHELSEA: Right, sure you do. Here, this was in your mailbox.

DARIUS: Thanks.

CHELSEA: What is it this time?

DARIUS: I’ll tell you that after I finish eating dinner.

CHELSEA: Seriously? Come on, just tell me.

DARIUS: No.

CHELSEA: Fine, then I’ll be going now.

DARIUS: No, wait, don’t go!

CHELSEA: What do you want?

DARIUS: I, uh, wanted to talk to you a bit.

CHELSEA: I come here all the time, Darius. We can talk anytime. Or what, is it something important? No way. You actually have something important to say for once?

DARIUS: Shut up, Chels. I always have important stuff going on.

CHELSEA: You mean like last time when you had that “super amazing epiphany” that this couch is, in fact, really comfortable?

DARIUS: It is, though! But seriously, it’s not like everything I tell you is like that.

CHELSEA: On Tuesday, you told me about that hole in the wall being from an alien invasion when really you just got upset at a game.

DARIUS: So you knew? Hee hee…

CHELSEA: The last actual important thing you had to tell me was, well, you know.

DARIUS: I guess that’s true. But what I want to talk about is related to that.

CHELSEA: Okay. So, what’s up?

DARIUS: Wait, let me eat first.

CHELSEA: Are you kidding me?

DARIUS: I gotta eat Mom’s food when it’s hot.

CHELSEA: Hmm… well then, I guess what you want to tell me isn’t as important as your dinner. You’re making me question just how important this really is.

DARIUS: Trust me, it’s really, really important. Like, uber important. Nothing takes precedence over it! But nothing is more important than food.

CHELSEA: Fair enough.

DARIUS: Hey, hey, whoa. What are you doing?

CHELSEA: Opening your package.

DARIUS: [mouth full of food] I never said you could open it-

CHELSEA: What was that, Darius? You want me to open it? Cool.

DARIUS: No, I said-urk! Oh, geez. My dinner almost killed me just now, idiot!

CHELSEA: Ooo! Nice, you got a new controller!

DARIUS: Yeah.

CHELSEA: Hey, let’s play some Mario Kart later.

DARIUS: Of course. You sure love that game, huh?

CHELSEA: Yes! It’s so much fun!

DARIUS: You oughta try some single player games sometime.

CHELSEA: I try but I have more fun playing multiplayer stuff. Besides, I don’t really have the time to play some of those kinds of games.

DARIUS: Makes sense. You have a life after all.

CHELSEA: …are you not going to finish your food?

DARIUS: Ugh, I want to but I’m just so full.

CHELSEA: Were you eating snacks before dinner again?

DARIUS: Nooo…?

CHELSEA: Idiot.

DARIUS: Shut up. It’s not just the snacks. I haven’t been very hungry lately.

CHELSEA: I see.

DARIUS: Wait here a sec, I’ll be right back.

CHELSEA: Whoa, hey! Are you sure it’s safe!?

DARIUS: Huh?

CHELSEA: You never leave this basement. I figured you might, I don’t know, melt in the sun or something.

DARIUS: Yeah, sorry to disappoint you, Bella, but I’m not some handsome vampire.

CHELSEA: Oh, shut it! It was just a phase, okay?

DARIUS: Chels. You were obsessed with the Twilight movies and that is just not okay.

CHELSEA throws something at DARIUS. DARIUS exits with his dishes. CHELSEA cleans the room up a little bit. DARIUS enters.

DARIUS: Wow, thanks. You really didn’t need to clean up for me.

CHELSEA: I know. But you’re just so helpless that I couldn’t resist.

DARIUS: I’m flattered you think so highly of me. Want a cookie?

CHELSEA: Sure! Mm, your Mom makes the best cookies.

DARIUS: Yeah. She does.

CHELSEA: So. What did you want to talk about?

DARIUS: …my Dad came by earlier.

CHELSEA: Oh. I’m guessing he yelled at you again?

DARIUS: Yeah.

CHELSEA: To be honest, I can kinda see where he’s coming from. I agree that you need to grow up and everything but I think he just doesn’t consider your situation enough.

DARIUS: Mm.

CHELSEA: And what a stupid reason to get a divorce. Just because he doesn’t agree with your life choices.

DARIUS: That’s not why they got divorced. It was a lot more complicated than that.

CHELSEA: Are you okay? Usually he doesn’t make you this upset.

DARIUS: I don’t know. He was shouting at me about the usual stuff. But… I got to thinking… is this really what my life should amount to? I mean, I don’t know. Just… argh! I’m sorry, I just can’t put it into words right now. I’m such a mess.

CHELSEA: Well, yeah.

DARIUS: You’re just so good at cheering people up, aren’t you?

CHELSEA: I can’t exactly help you if I don’t know what your problem is, Darius.

DARIUS: …okay. [beat] As you know, I have already decided to just spend the rest of my days here, enjoying games and shows and stuff. Since it’s not like I’m guaranteed to live long given the state of my disease.

CHELSEA: …yeah, I know.

DARIUS: As I mentioned, we talked about the same shit as always. And by talked, I mean he lectured me as usual.

Start of Flashback: DEACON enters.

DEACON: Darius, let’s talk.

DARIUS: Oh god, not again.

DEACON: Listen, son, I just want to help you.

DARIUS: I know, I know, but I’ve heard this all before!

DEACON: Just listen to me! I understand your situation, Darius, but I just can’t accept you allowing your life to waste away like this! Sure, you’re going to supposedly die in the next couple years, but that doesn’t mean you should let that stop you from doing what you want to do! And it’s not like this disease would prevent you from doing whatever wimpy job you wanted to do anyway. In the first place, your cancer is still treatable so I don’t even understand why you’re just giving up.

DARIUS: Yeah, right, “treatable.” This has been going on for years now, Dad, and I’m pretty sure I’m only getting worse. Just because they say it’s one of the most treatable cancers doesn’t mean everyone will survive it.

DEACON: Darius! I get that you can’t be optimistic about this. You’re not a child anymore. But as long as you’re alive there are certain things society expects from you. I get that you can’t do physically intensive jobs due to your condition but you can do that one job you wanted to as a kid, um, what was it? Video game quizzer?

DARIUS: Video game tester.

DEACON: Yes! And that pathetic job is better than doing whatever it is you’re doing with your life right now. Though, honestly, I’d rather see you do something more productive. God, I don’t understand how your mother can even tolerate this behavior. At the very least, you could finish up your college education. It’s like you didn’t even try. Why can’t you be a little more like your girlfriend, Chelsea?

DARIUS: …she’s not my girlfriend.

DEACON: Oh, I wonder why that is? Maybe it’s because, compared to her, you’re just a lazy sack of shit with no purpose to his life? She’s trying her hardest to become a journalist yet here you are, continuing to just rot away in your mother’s basement! I can’t stand how useless you are! Listen, Darius. I’m not trying to be an asshole.

DARIUS: Could’ve fooled me.

DEACON: I simply have no choice because of you goddamn attitude! Anyway, please, just… do something. I can’t stand seeing you like this. I just… well, I don’t want you to be a failure.

DARIUS: Is that what you think of me, Dad? I’m just a failure to you?

DEACON: That’s not what I said.

JULIA peeks her head in.

JULIA: Um, is everything alright down here?

DEACON: Yes, don’t worry about it.

JULIA: Are you sure? Deacon, were you yelling at our son again?

DARIUS: It’s fine, Mom! I… just don’t worry about it.

JULIA: …okay. Well, lunch is ready so come up whenever.

JULIA exits.

DEACON: Yeesh. She’s still treating you like a baby. Look, just stop being so pathetic, okay?

DEACON exits. End of Flashback.