Dick Turpin Rides Again by Colin Barrow
This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent
Although written for UK (English) production, a few word changes make it perfectly suitable for the USA or any other English-speaking country. These word changes are minimal and only occur infrequently. For example, sweets to candy, etcetera. You do not require additional permission to alter these infrequent words to suit your country of performance. But you CANNOT change or alter the script without prior permission!
The script was originally written for a drama/theatre school to use as a learning piece for performance. It has now been updated making it versatile for anyone to perform at any venue with added tongue-in-cheek humour and subtle innuendo without being offensive.
The script is based on the story of the notorious highwayman, Dick Turpin, who was active in England in the early 1700’s. This is a modern comedy script which can be performed at any time of the year, which gives it great versatility. If you are performing near Christmas, the use of some Christmas decorations to dress the performing space and the inclusion of some Christmas songs/carols will make this script a fun seasonal production. The script is ideal for performing on any stage/performing space; in the open air; or for live viewing through a video communication.
It’s written with many small acting parts to accommodate larger numbers of actors. Many can be doubled or possibly tripled up for those who have fewer actors and wish to make it more of a performing adventure.
The script has a versatility which means it can be run in three different ways to suit your needs.
1)Run at a minimum run time (45 - 50 minutes approximately) using the dialogue only with some opening and closing song/music. This includes the cumulative fun song/routine with props
2)Run the script with the inclusion of some song/dance to accommodate your required run time.
3)Run as a mini musical making use of many or all the song/dance slots and creating a running time length to suit your needs. This could take the approximate run time at 75 minutes to 90 minutes depending on how many song/dance slots you use and the length of each one.
The scenes are simple (only two) The Tavern and Diddlebury Cross, where you don’t require full scenery but only dressing to suggest its title. Of course, you can do full scenery if you have the means or wish to do so.
MUSIC AND DANCE
MUSIC/SONG/DANCE:-
#### Denotes ideal places to include a song/dance without disruption to the dialogue whether the number is included or omitted. At some song/dance slots an ideal suggestion to a song/music title as guidance is given that would fit the occasion well. These are only suggestions for guidance and not a requirement to be used. It is your own discretion and choice as to what song/music you use. DISCLAIMER - all song/music used in the production of the script is not included in the performance licence to perform this script.
DICK TURPIN RIDES AGAIN
SCENE ONE
DIDDLEBURY CROSS
#### The scene can open with a song/dance number if wished. If this is done, all exit the stage after the number
Lady Rose enters from one side with a two pack of toilet rolls and Dick enters from the other side.
DICK: Stand and deliver!
ROSE: How dare you hold up a defenseless lady with no-one to protect her?
DICK: It’s what is known as easy pickings my dear.
ROSE: Who are you?
DICK: (proudly) My name is Dick Turpin, so hand over all that’s valuable?
ROSE: I’ve no jewelry nor money.
DICK: (points) Is that not of value that you are holding?
ROSE: If you think I’m handing over a two-pack super luxury quilted toilet tissue destined for my superior delicate bottom, you can jolly well think again! There are some things I do not compromise on! (Exits off quickly)
A noise is heard off stage
DICK: Someone approaches, I must hide. (Exits)
Georgia enters tied by ropes followed by Cyril and Bert, Georgia’s costuming is more masculine than feminine.
GEORGIA: Let me go!
Miles enters carrying a lantern
MILES: Cyril? Bert? What are you doing?
CYRIL: We’ve captured a prisoner.
GEORGIA: I’m not your prisoner!
MILES: (looking more closely) You’re not a boy at all; but a girl. (Lifting the lantern) Why are you dressed as a boy?
GEORGIA: Hazel Nutt wants me to marry her son, so I am hiding to avoid her
There is the sound of horse’s hooves
BERT: Is it the headless horseman?
CYRIL: No, it’s the excise men!
MILES: They’re headless anyway - well, they lack intelligence and life as we know it, so it amounts to the same thing.
The horses sound closer and Cyril and Bert panic
BERT: Run!
Cyril and Bert start to run off, then change their minds and exit on the opposite side. There is a shot and Miles slumps over and paces his hand on his bottom
MILES: They’ve got me. Take me to the local Tavern?
GEORGIA: Tied up like this, not a chance.
Dick Turpin enters quickly
DICK: Let me help you.
GEORGIA: Are you a highwayman?
DICK: The very best. (Slaps thigh hard then winces with pain)
#### Those on stage can do a musical number of your choice if wished. ‘Stand and Deliver’ by Adam and the Ants’ songwriters: Adam Ant / Marco Pirroni is an ideal example of a song that would be suitable here.
BLACK-OUT
SCENE TWO
THE TAVERN
#### The scene can open with a hearty drinking song if wished
There is a bar/counter or cloth covered table used as a bar/counter and behind it is some tall shelves with bottles, etcetera, upon it. On a top shelf is some boxes/jars of sweets. Under the bar/counter is a box of sweet packets.
Various characters can sit at tables or standing near the counter whilst Molly and Jack work at running the Tavern. All can have drinks if wished. Daisy and Hazel are sat at one table as Meg and Peg are sat at another with Timothy standing near. Roger is standing with a drink in his hand
MOLLY: Welcome to the ‘Itchy Flea’, the best Tavern in town.
DAISY: (looking closely ) This table has a horrible stain on it.
MOLLY: (looks) That’s your reflection in the polish.
DAISY: (shocked) Is it? And I’ve had a face lift too!
ALL: And it looks like the lift broke down!
DAISY: (not amused) Cheek!
HAZEL: Have you seen Georgia?
MEG: We’ve not seen her at all, Mrs. Nutt.
PEG: Why are you looking for her?
TIMOTHY: (sadly) Mother wants me to marry Georgia.
HAZEL: Because she has plenty of money.
TIMOTHY: I don’t want someone with money. I want someone to love.
MOLLY: (saucily wrapping herself around Timothy ) I got oodles of love available if you want a dabble?
TIMOTHY: (rejecting quickly) I’m not that desperate, Molly!
MOLLY: But I am! The only thing that makes me different from a calendar is that a calendar has dates!
JACK: Molly is like me, we’ve been single for so long, we can’t even spell relationship!
MOLLY: (playing up to Jack) I’ve offered myself to you many a time on a plate!
JACK: And I wasn’t keen on what was being dished up!
Molly reacts at Jack disgruntled
#### All can go into a musical number if wished with a mismatch love song. ‘A Fine Romance’ - songwriters: Jerome Kern / Dorothy Fields is an ideal example of a song that would be suitable here.
DAISY: You’d do so much better, Timothy, marrying my lovely daughter Lucy.
HAZEL: (dismissing) Rubbish. Timothy needs someone who has something about her.
DAISY: (with slight protest) My Lucy does have something about her!
HAZEL: So, the rumour of her going to the clinic is true then?
DAISY: It was the only way to get her nits under control!
HAZEL: (looks about) I need a Magistrate to try and find Georgia who seems to have completely disappeared.
ROGER: (keenly moves to Hazel) Excuse me madam.
HAZEL: (slightly scolding) Not now you silly little man.
ROGER: (taken aback) But madam.
DAISY: (abrupt) She said, “not now!”
ROGER: Please yourself. (Slams his glass down and exits quickly)
HAZEL: (looks at him as he exits with curiosity) Who was that man?
JACK: That was Sir Roger Rules, the local Magistrate.
DAISY: (aghast) Why didn’t he say so?
MOLLY: He couldn’t get a word in edgeways.
HAZEL: Quick everyone! Stop him!
All exit after Roger leaving Molly and Jack clearing things
JACK: (watching as all exit) I wish they left that quick at closing time.
MOLLY: It would be nice if they stormed in like that at opening time too!
JACK: But you like to read your girlie magazines at opening time between serving the slow trickle of customers.
MOLLY: (firmly not amused) But yesterday I read an article about alcohol that terrified me.
JACK: Does that mean you’re going to stop drinking?
MOLLY: (abrupt) No, I’m going to stop reading!
Dick, Miles and Georgia enter. Miles staggers and holding himself where he was shot.
GEORGIA: This man is injured.
DICK: The excise men shot him. (Bends Miles over to show his bottom)
MOLLY: Nasty! But look on the bright side, you could have been facing the shooter and got shot in the treasure chest.
DICK: Life brings it’s ‘ups and downs!’
MOLLY: If his treasure chest got shot, that would be the end of the ‘ups’!
MILES: (at Molly with vengeance) Someone is going the right way for a bruising!
JACK: (becomes between Molly and Miles) I don’t want any trouble in here.
MOLLY: Who are you anyway?
MILES: I’m Miles Stone.
MOLLY: With a name like that, social distancing can’t be a problem!
GEORGIA: He is one of a gang who captured me.
DICK: And I’m Dick Turpin, the leader of that gang.
MOLLY: (goes up to Dick and looks him up and down with a keen eye) Not the famous highwayman?
DICK: The very one.
JACK: I hear you take from the rich and give to the poor?
All holding out their hands to Dick
DICK: No, that’s Robin Hood. I take from all and keep for ourselves!
MOLLY: (disappointed) I see, you’re one of these that look after number one first whilst the rest of us starve. I shall remember that if you ever ask for a kiss up a dark alley because I might refuse to participate.
DICK: A kiss from you would be a kiss of death my dear.
MOLLY: (seductively at Dick) I wouldn’t go that far - I’d just leave you panting hard trying to get your breath back!
DICK: (pushing Molly away) And pulling my underpants out because my bum is eating them with fright!
MOLLY: (proudly) That’s because it would be a knicker gripping experience!
DICK: It would be a strangulation where I don’t want to be strangled!
JACK: (to Molly) You’d better take the wounded upstairs out of the way.
MOLLY: (exiting) This way!
Georgia, Dick and Miles follow Molly.
JACK: (shakes his head) It’s not easy running a tavern.