Brewsters Millions by David Muncaster

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

Action takes place in 1932 and 1933

Scene One

A bus stop in London. Monty is consulting a timetable and looking about him. A tramp approaches.

MONTY: Say, can I get a bus to Piccadilly Circus from here?
TRAMP: Sure you can, guv’nor. Every ten minutes.
MONTY: I don’t suppose you know the cost, do you?
TRAMP: As it ‘appens, I do. Threepence.
Monty examines his change.
MONTY: Hmm.
TRAMP: ‘Fraid I can’t ‘elp yer if you ain’t got it, I ain’t got it to give yer.
MONTY: No, I have it. I have too much.
Monty exits leaving the tramp looking bemused.

Scene Two

A London pub. A barman is cleaning glasses. Monty enters.

BARMAN: Good evening, Sir.
MONTY: Hello. How much is a beer?
BARMAN: Rather depends on which one you have in mind, Sir.
MONTY: Well, that depends on the cost. What have you got for ten pence?
BARMAN: I’d recommend a pint of best for a shilling.
MONTY: No good. I only have ten pence to spare.
BARMAN: It will be a pint of mild then.
MONTY: Very well. Whatever that is.
The barman produces the drink as he speaks.
BARMAN: If you don’t mind me saying, Sir. You don’t look like a man who is down on his luck.
MONTY: I’m not. At least I hope I’m not. I’ll know soon enough.
He hands over a shilling to pay for the drink.
BARMAN: Oh, you had a shilling after all.
MONTY: No, I need the change from that to go with the penny I have here for my bus fare to Piccadilly Circus. Then I will be flat broke. Not a single penny in the world.
BARMAN: You seem quite happy about it.
MONTY: Oh, I am. I worked hard to achieve absolute poverty.
BARMAN: Congratulations.
MONTY: Thank you.
BARMAN: Excuse my curiosity, but whatever drove you to achieve such a feat?
MONTY: Heck, I don’t suppose it will matter if I tell you. It’s not like anyone can say I haven’t kept to the letter of the agreement. It all started one year ago today, my twenty-fifth birthday…

Scene Three
Monty’s Club in New York. Archie, Mack and Frank are attempting to hang a banner which has the words “Happy Birthday”.
ARCHIE: The difficulty is, finding some way to suspend the thing without causing any damage.
MACK: So speaks a lawyer.
FRANK: Not one who has ever troubled the law courts.
MACK: Something for which the innocent shall be forever grateful.
ARCHIE: As you well know, Frank, we “Sons of the Rich” go to great lengths to avoid doing any actual work.
FRANK: Someone should explain that to Monty.
ARCHIE: Quite.
MACK: I believe that his grandfather has a very firm grip on the money.
FRANK: True, but none of us are actually rich at present. We all survive on the promise of riches to come.
Nopper and Monty enter
ARCHIE: Here he is. Happy Birthday old man.
MONTY: Thanks Archie. Mack, Frank. Is Charlie not here?
Charlie enters
CHARLIE: Sorry. Got held up.
MONTY: Not to worry. You are here now.
ARCHIE: Gentlemen, we are here to celebrate the twenty-fifth birthday of Mr. Montgomery Brewster. I ask you all to join me in drinking to his long life and happiness.
All raise glasses and sing “For he’s a jolly good fellow”. During this an electric bell sounds.
MACK: Hello, is it the police?
FRANK: What a nuisance. I want to hear his speech.
CHARLIE: Speech! Speech!
NOPPER: It’s the waiter ringing up. I’ll go to see what he wants.
Nopper exits.
MACK: He is probably just warning us about the noise.
FRANK: Already? We’ve hardly got started.
Nopper returns.
NOPPER: It’s a message from your grandfather, Monty.
MONTY: Please tell him that it is after banking hours. I will see him in the morning.
NOPPER: Right, you are.
Nopper exits.
MACK: Grandpa doesn’t like Monty to be out after dark.
FRANK: Has he sent a perambulator to take Monty home to bed?
Nopper returns.
NOPPER: Apparently, your grandfather is unwell.
MONTY: In that case, please send my condolences and inform him I will call to see him in the morning.
NOPPER: Of course.
Nopper exits.
CHARLIE: Speech!
MONTY: Gentlemen, you seem to have forgotten for the moment that I am twenty-five years old this day, and that your remarks have been childish and wholly unbecoming the dignity of my age.
ARCHIE: Monty you are quite right. Gentlemen let us not forget that we are the “Sons of the Rich” and that Monty’s grandfather is enormously wealthy!
Nopper returns.
NOPPER: Apparently, he really is quite poorly.
MONTY: This is ridiculous. Tell him I will come as soon as we are finished here.
Nopper exits but the actor immediately returns as the waiter.
WAITER: I’m terribly sorry, sir. I was trying to explain to the gentleman.
MONTY: What is it?
WAITER: I’m afraid your grandfather has passed away.
MONTY: Oh, gosh.

Scene Four
Monty’s solicitor’s office.
SOLICITOR 1: Well, I think we can safely say that Mr Brewster is no longer a man with prospects.
SOLICITOR 2: Indeed. His grandfather’s fortune has turned him into a very eligible bachelor overnight.
SOLICITOR 1: I do hope he spends wisely.
SOLICITOR 2: That is rather up to him.
Monty enters.
MONTY: Gentlemen, I am sorry if I kept you waiting. I was half-way to the bank before I remembered that I need never step foot in the place again!
SOLICITOR 2: Um. Yes, I suppose you are right.
MONTY: I apologise if that sounds callous. The thing is, I have lived such a humble life, I am quite giddy with my change of fortune. Of course, I will miss my grandfather.
SOLICITOR 1: I understand that you were brought up in a lodging house?
MONTY: That’s correct. My parents both died when I was young. My grandfather had no idea of how to raise a child so placed me with Mrs. Grey who acted as a kind of nanny-landlady.
SOLICITOR 1: Wouldn’t it have been easier for him to have employed a nanny to look after you at the manor house?
MONTY: The truth is, he wanted to avoid seeing me. He didn’t like to be reminded of my mother. It was quite a scandal at the time, you see. He never approved of his son’s choice of bride, and they eloped to be married. I came along, er, rather shortly afterward.
SOLICITOR 1: I see.
SOLICITOR 2: Well, at least your grandfather has made amends for any coldness he may have shown you during his life. He has left the majority of his estate to you. The house and some other effects go to other relatives but you are to inherit precisely one million dollars.
MONTY: Golly!
SOLICITOR 2: As it is all very straightforward the money is available to you immediately.
MONTY: Really?
SOLICITOR 2: Yes.
MONTY: No special clause?
SOLICITOR 2: No.
Monty looks puzzled.
MONTY: Are you sure?
SOLICITOR 2: Quite sure.
SOLICITOR 1: Is something wrong?
MONTY: No. Nothing. Thank you. Goodbye then.
SOLICITOR 2: Good day.
SOLICITOR 1: Goodbye, Sir,

SCENE FIVE

Boarding House. Mrs Grey and Peggy are darning socks. Monty enters.
MRS GREY: Hello dear. You’re late.
MONTY: I’m sorry Mrs Grey. I should have warned you.
MRS GREY: It’s not a problem. Would you like me to fix you something to eat?
MONTY: Oh no, don’t go to any trouble.
MRS GREY: It’s no trouble. You look famished.
MONTY: I’m afraid I’ve had a few drinks.
MRS GREY: I know, dear. That’s what I meant.
MONTY: I can’t hide anything from you, can I?
MRS GREY: I hope not! Well, if I can’t fix you anything then I’m off to bed. Goodnight, Monty. Goodnight, Peggy.
MONTY: Goodnight.
PEGGY: Goodnight.
Mrs Grey exits. As soon as she leaves Monty whispers to Peggy.
MONTY: Peggy! We are rich!
PEGGY: Rich? What do you mean?
MONTY: Grand Papa has left me one million dollars.
PEGGY: Your grandfather has died?
MONTY: Oh. Yes. Last night. I should have mentioned it at breakfast.
PEGGY: Oh, no. What terrible news.
MONTY: What? Oh, er, yes. Terrible.
PEGGY: Very sad.
MONTY: Yes. So, so sad.
PEGGY: Why didn’t you tell Mother? I suppose I had better tell her.
MONTY: Just a moment. I want you to help me decide how to make the best use of my inheritance. I mean, I don’t suppose your mother would want to move house, but we could do a lot with this place.
PEGGY: But it is your money, Monty. Don’t you want to spend it on yourself.
MONTY: But there is so much. One million dollars! I can’t begin to think how to spend it. At least let me clear the mortgage.
PEGGY: No, Monty. Don’t let Mother hear you speaking like that.
MONTY: But she has been like a mother to me. I think of her as my mother and you as my sister.
PEGGY: I know, Monty. But I’m sure you don’t want to cause offence.
MONTY: Is there no way she couldn’t come by a little windfall?
PEGGY: Put the idea out of your head. If you want to make Mother and me happy then just promise to spend your money wisely.
MONTY: Oh absolutely. I have always been most prudent when it comes to money. I promise that will never change.
PEGGY: That’s better. By the way, a telegram came whilst you were out this morning.
She gives Monty the telegram which he reads.
MONTY: Oh, gosh.
PEGGY: What is it?
MONTY: My uncle has died.
PEGGY: Oh, no. What terrible news.
MONTY: What? Oh, er, yes. Terrible. I mean. I had no idea he even existed. But I am, apparently, named in the will and the executor wants to see me tomorrow morning at my solicitor’s office.
PEGGY: It’s a shame he couldn't have seen you today.
MONTY: Yes, killed two birds with one stone.
PEGGY: Oh!
MONTY: Oh, I beg your pardon. Not a very good idiom to use, in the circumstances. Well, I suppose I had better get a good night’s sleep if I’m going to have to face those two again tomorrow.
PEGGY: Yes. Goodnight, Monty.
MONTY: Goodnight, Peggy.
Pause.
MONTY: Morning!
PEGGY: Good morning.
MONTY: Well, I’m off to my solicitor’s again. I think I’ll walk through Central Park.
PEGGY: Goodbye, Monty.
MONTY: Goodbye, Peggy.