Grazed by Gabriel Donleavy
GRAZED
An Australian radio comedy for 2 women and 3 men.
Outline of the Characters
Father Barry is the lead character. Aged around 40, he is a career
priest whose tone and style adapt quickly to whoever he is with. He
has his beliefs and ideals still intact, but, in conversation, he can
wander off into philosophising in a quite pompous and pedantic way.
However, he has a good heart and sharp judgment.
Chris McNeal is Barry's antagonist. Although only 15 years' old,
she seems quite a lot older and is alert, lively, street wise, shrewd
and strong willed.
Marie is Chris's mother. She is an immigrant from Ireland, a strong
believer in the traditional values of the Church, concerned to know
what is for the best, quite dependent on the approval of others, but
always looking for the good in other people and she is quite
resilient.
Ken is nearly 18 and lives up the road from Marie and Chris. He is a
regular bloke, a footy fan, well meaning but hot headed, and easily
confused.
Father Tony is in his late thirties, good looking, athletic, very
extraverted and hearty, but quite immature for his age and calling,
though he is very active in doing good works. His threats, later in
the play, to involve the Bishop are not a joke.
...................................................................................
GRAZED
SOUND EFFECT. Fade up to music of “Sheep May Safely Graze”
SOUND EFFECT. Muffled congregational chatter background
SOUND EFFECT. Three knocks on wood
MARIE: Bless me, Father for I have sinned
BARRY: When was your last confession, my child?
MARIE: I haven't been to confession for six weeks
BARRY: I fear that means six 'Hail Mary's, my child.
MARIE: Aye, and cheap at the price there, Father. Father Tony charges
two 'Hail Mary's for each week away from confession, so he does.
That's double your rate.
BARRY: Oh well, he's very overworked, what with Sunday school,
Vinnie's, pastoral duties at the detention camp and classes at the
juvenile holding centre.
MARIE: Ah, a saint he is, then. He must have done a lot of praying to
get so holy, Father. I wish I could get myself back in the habit of
it. When I was a girl I used to pray twice a day; and I used to feel
the Holy Mother was near me looking down. As we get older, we don't
get any wiser do we, Father?
BARRY: There must be some who do, my child, but not as many as the
Lord would like to see, unfortunately.
(Pause then clears throat)
Now, shall we get on with the business at hand which was to hear your
confession?
MARIE: Yes you're right, Father. (Takes a deep breath).
Well now, I try to be a good mother and it's hard not having a
husband, not having a partner, and yet having to be raising one
teenage boy and two teenage girls. Two out of three are OK but the
middle one, Christine, has turned lately into a quite different
person. It doesn't matter what I do, whether I'm soft or hard,
talkative or quiet, concerned or cold, she snaps and snarls and sulks,
like an emu with a sore stomach. We're having worse and worse rows
and I'm getting more and more frustrated.
Finally, yesterday I did something I never thought I'd do, so help me.
Something I utterly hate to see in anyone else.
I'm ashamed to say any more.
BARRY: To get absolution you do have to make a proper confession, my
child. That's how it works here, you know.
MARIE: Well yes, Father, I do know that.
(pause)
All right, then. What happened was I hit her not once but several
times, and I was shouting and screaming like a banshee, calling her a
bitch, a she-devil and my own personal cross to bear.
BARRY: And what was she doing while you were thus abusing her?
MARIE: She was trying to pull my hair, she was kicking out, and she
was calling me names that I could not at all repeat in a house of God,
because they were, each and every one, horribly coarse and
blasphemous.
BARRY: Quite right, my child. I do commend your reticence in that
respect. However, was it really true you had never hit your daughter
before this?
MARIE: It certainly is. I loathe all violence. There is never, ever,
ever any justification for it. Of course, I was provoked but now I
feel so bad about it, and I never should have been so provoked.
BARRY: No, now, shouldn't you stop to consider, my child, that if
you'd given the girl a few little smacks when she was younger, she
might not have provoked such an unfortunately explosive outburst from
you just now?
MARIE: That's what my own mother says. She says a good smacking never
did me any harm; and I'd have turned out far worse if I hadn't
been soundly thrashed from time to time
BARRY: Well, in our greater Church community, there are still a few of
us who believe in the old saying, "spare the rod and spoil the
child." I know your own dear mother agrees with us on this matter.
She and I have discussed it in the past, you know.
MARIE: No, I didn't know. I thought confessions were confidential
BARRY: And so they are, indeed. I was talking to your mother when I
was addressing the Women's Institute quite a few years back, and,
since then, I see her from time to time at pastoral occasions like our
fetes and fairs. Unfortunately I don't see you at such things, do I,
my child?
MARIE: And no more you will, seeing as how I don't like being
discussed behind my back. Furthermore, and now that I bring myself to
think about it, Jesus said we had to turn the other cheek when we get
slapped down, did he not?
BARRY: He did; but he himself was provoked to break his own rule when
he threw the money changers out of the temple. So you should not hope
to be more saintly than Jesus himself now, should you?
MARIE: That's a good thought, Father, but I do feel guilty and I do
seek absolution from you. Will you give it to me?
BARRY: Yes, my child, for I have no doubt you are a sincere penitent
and do not intend to sin again in the same way. I'm not entirely
convinced you really have sinned in the first place, but that is not
really my judgement to make.
Now your penance well the first thing is more a suggestion than a
penance really. I want you to read the story of King Solomon's son,
Rehaboam, in 1 Kings 10 to 22 in the Old Testament. There you will see
how even the wisest king in history made such a mess of bringing up
his children that his kingdom broke up into two, quite soon after his
death.
As to the penance proper, say six 'Hail Mary's, and I think six
recitals of the Lord's Prayer that's twelve pieces all
together.
MARIE: So now it's 12 pieces to say for me now, is it? Well, that
makes you no better a bargain than Father Tony. I didn't know sin was
subject to inflation.
BARRY: Sin, my child, is what the very source and wellspring of
economic inflation was in the first place. Now will that be all?
MARIE: Yes, thank you, Father. Except, can I send my Christine in to
see you too? That'd be after you've absolved me first,
obviously.
BARRY: How come she's now here with you if you've had such a big
blue?
MARIE: She came with me today; just to be sure I was truly sorry. Of
course, she knows the confession is confidential. I think she thought
just my being in here meant I was really sorry.
BARRY: Something sounds a shade odd there, my child, but if she wants
to come and confess her sins, she may, so long as she has been
baptised and preferably also confirmed. Has she, my child?
MARIE: Baptised, yes. She has enrolled in confirmation class but I
can't be sure she has progressed much I never see her studying
the catechism or anything like that. (pause) So will you see her,
Father?
BARRY: Well, yes, bless you, my child. I will do my best.
Intones the absolution liturgy below but fade to silence after a few
seconds.
May our Lord Jesus Christ absolve you; and, by His authority, I
absolve you from every bond of excommunication and interdict, so far
as my power allows and your needs require.
(rest is barely audible and may be cut out altogether) Thereupon, I
absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son,
and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.
SOUND EFFECT: Sound of footsteps as Marie leaves the box
MARIE: Right. Go on in, now!
CHRIS: I don't want to, now!
MARIE: Now look, this was all your idea, not mine. So you get in there
and confess, or I'll have you put in a really caring care home, so
help me, I will.
CHRIS: Yeah. You would as well. (Makes a sneering sound)
(Pause)
SOUND EFFECT. Lighter but slower footsteps entering the box
CHRIS: Hallo, hallo. Is there anybody there?
BARRY: Yes my child, but this is a confessional, not a séance. You
can say the usual introduction namely bless me, Father, for I
have sinned.
CHRIS: What? You expect me to say that? From what I've heard of you
lot, you should be saying that to me. Like, forgive me, daughter, for
we have sinned.
Actually, although I'm only just fifteen, I myself have already
experienced (lowers voice) inappropriate behaviour.
BARRY: If you've come in here to make wild accusations against one
of my colleagues, you can leave right now, young lady. This is where
you confess your sins. Not where you dob in someone else.
CHRIS: Ooh, ooh, keep your hair on, if you still got any. Have you got
one of those monk haircuts with, like, a hole in the middle? No,
don't answer that.
I'll try and play this game right, now. So now bless me, farder, for
oi have sinned (bad mock Irish accent)
BARRY: When was your last confession? I'll bet you have never been
to one before. Have you?
CHRIS: That's where you're wrong. I been three times, see! Once
last year and twice a couple of years ago.
BARRY: Whom did you see, if I may ask?
CHRIS: How should I know? You don't put a name plate outside the
box, do you? What a stupid question? Trying to catch me out or
something?
BARRY: I wasn't expecting an actual name, dear young lady. I was
expecting you to say something like, for example, 'I saw a youngish
priest here in this very church.' Or, maybe, 'a very old man in St
Anthony's. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Just get on with your
confession now, please. Perhaps you'd like to start with confessing
the things you did, or did not do, involving your mother.
CHRIS: No I wouldn't, and don't you put words in my mouth, thank
you very much indeed. Right, now you're going to hear it, like it or
not.
(sharp intake of breath)
So, I was in your church's confirmation class, maybe three or four
months ago. I had to stay behind , because Father Tony, the priest
there, said I had to have counselling as I was a disruptive influence
in the class, and I must be troubled and in need of counsel. So after
everyone had gone, he brings me up to the front and puts a chair right
next to him. He's like "Why would you want to be such a bad
girl?", trying to stick his face right in front of mine which
was quite awkward seeing as he was sitting on the side of me, not in
front. So I
BARRY: I said quite clearly to you that you were not allowed to dob
someone else in, here. Now have you got a confession or not?
CHRIS: If you'd let me finish before effing interrupting me, you'd
realise that confession is exactly what I'm doing. Yeah? Ready now,
Reverend?
BARRY: Don't call me 'reverend'. It's 'father' or nothing. Now
get on with it.
CHRIS: As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by you,
'father or nothing', I won't go into details, but I encouraged
this priest to keep on trying to analyse me. I was looking at him
intently and he was going a tad red. Anyway, I realised I really
wanted him to make a pass, as they say, because I decided I'd really
like him to be my first lover. So you see I am doing a real
confession, aren't I?
BARRY: Yes, continue.
CHRIS: Anyway, I did the 'you seem to have something in your eye'
routine I saw in some old flick on telly. Him being one of you lot, he
falls for it straight off. So I fall onto him in tears, and I'm like
- "I'm so sorry and I won't be bad again".
He's like - "There there", and pats me on the head. I sort of
whimper and tell him I feel so vulnerable and alone. He does the
chivalrous thing and puts his arms round me we're standing up
now, by the way, and I'm burying my head in his neck. I'm waiting
for him to pull away and thinking what to do when he does, but
actually he doesn't pull away at all-
SOUND EFFECT: Mobile phone ringing with a very irritating tune. Clicks
phone open.
Ooh, 'allo, Maeve, you'll never guess where I am right now, only in
a confessional with a real priest.
Muffled reply from Maeve in a sneering tone
Don't you 'as if' me, mate! No, really I am, I'll photograph
myself doing this confession right now if you don't believe me. Just
a sec -
BARRY: You'll do no such thing. And you'll switch off that phone right
now or I'll eject you out of my confessional. You kids are supposed to
"like" respect "respect" but -
CHRIS: All right, didn't mean to dis' ya, Revo, and a mobile phone
is a basic human right, innit? Still, maybe it is a tad gross to have
it on ringtone instead of vibrate. I'll switch it off, just to show
willing like, ok?
SOUND EFFECT. Mobile phone lid clicks shut
Now, I'll be getting back to my confession. Like I mentioned, I was
waiting for him to pull back but he didn't.
So I'm like, through my tears of course, "Keep holding me, I'll be
all right in a minute".
I was looking forward to both of us losing our virginity right there,
but suddenly the door opens and in rushes the daggy drongo from up my
street who wants to be my boyfriend, Ken his name is. As if! He's at
least a million years older than me for Christ's sake whoops,
sorry, didn't mean that.
Anyhow, he immediately jumps to the wrong conclusion, seizes the
priest