HOLD ALL TICKETS! by P. Joseph Connelly

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

Cast of Characters

Hal: Age mid-thirties, married, employed at the Home Fixer, a home improvement store located in Valley Stream, Nassau County, Long Island, N.Y.
Vic:Age mid-thirties, Hal's best friend and co-worker.
Michelle: Age mid-thirties, Hal's wife.
Benny: Hal and Vic's slightly dim-witted co-worker and friend.
Phyllis: Michelle's Acerbic sister.
Lyle: Vile store manager.
Track Announcer: Off stage.

SCENE
Various locations around Nassau County, Long Island New York.

TIME
The Present.

I-1-1
ACT 1
Scene 1
SETTING:
AT RISE:
Inside Home Fixer store there is a very large sign reading Valley Stream Home Fixer. All employees wear a blue work apron excluding management. Hal and Benny standing in store aisle. HAL
Look at e'm Benny they hover all around e'm, He's like a magnet I tell ya.
BENNY
It's a gift, he's got a gift . . and it's not just the customers, you see the way the cashiers look at him? And Barbara, over in, home décor, she follows him around like a puppy dog.
HAL
It's unbelievable these women are just drawn to him.
BENNY
Yeah Hal, like moths to a flame.
HAL
Right, like moths.
BENNY
Like aah bees to honey.
HAL Exactly. BENNY Like a politician to a fundraiser . . like a dog to a bone . .like a chef to a kitchen, Like a . . HAL Are you done?
I-1-2
BENNY
Yeah.
HAL
And you know Ben, the thing about VIC, he's such a great guy a solid guy . . but I’ll tell you this, even with his good looks and all that charisma if he were an asshole people would want nothin' to do with him . . they'd resent him.
BENNY
Your right, it's a known fact people resent assholes.
HAL
I still remember the first day he started here . . fit right in.
BENNY
He came over from the Hicksville store, didn't he?
HAL
Yeah.
BENNY
Shit, that's gotta be what five, six years ago?
HAL
Seven.
BENNY
Damn . . and you guys have been friends ever since.
HAL
Best friends,look he was the best man at my wedding remember?
BENNY
Yeah, I remember he caught the garter belt, right?
HAL
(pretending to catch
a baseball)
Yup, like willie Mays.
BENNY
Then Vic's slidin' the belt up the girl’s leg. . .
HAL
My wife's sister Phyllis.
I-1-3
BENNY
That's right she caught the bouquet . . He gets to about her knee, she's so excited she turns white as a ghost and passes out, falls right off the fuckin’ chair.
HAL
(Laughing)
and one of her boobs popped out of her dress.
BENNY
Hysterical . . . highlight of the wedding.
HAL
I was gonna send the wedding video to that funniest video show.
BENNY
Why didn't you?
HAL
(sighing)
In a nutshell . . . aah, she threatened a lawsuit.
BENNY
So, what's she doin' now?
HAL
Phyllis has been married and divorced since then, matter of fact, she's been after Michelle and me to set her up with Vic.
BENNY
Hal the matchmaker.
HAL
You believe this shit? I mean I don't wanna hound the guy.
BENNY
So, you asked him?
HAL
Oh yeah, couple of times.
BENNY
Not interested?
HAL
I don't know if he has the time for her. I mean you hear him . . all these broads he meets at the clubs.
I-1-4
BENNY
He goes into the city, right?
HAL
Yeah, and that's another thing he's hookin' up with these girls who live in the city they got big time jobs you know career girls . . what's Vic want with my dopey sister-in-law from Long Island?
BENNY
What's wrong with Long Island girls? Were both married to them.
HAL
There's nothing wrong with'em there's just a difference between the two.
BENNY
City girls are ahhhh . . . Cosmopolitan.
HAL
Balls on accurate! That's the word Benny cosmopolitan. They walk different, talk different, even dress different. They shop at those little fancy boutiques.
BENNY
No Roosevelt Field mall?
HAL
Please . . . and they go to museums.
BENNY
(agreeing with Hal)
Not yard sales.
HAL
They go to charity events.
BENNY
Not P.T.A. bake sales.
HAL
They sip fine wine.
BENNY
and not out of a box.
HAL
They . . . They . . .
I-1-5
BENNY
Would have nothing to do with guys like us.
HAL
Again . . . balls on accurate.
(pause)
oh, shit look who's at the front of the store.
BENNY
Yup, it's Lyle the store manager.
HAL
You mean Lyle the store douchebag.
BENNY
Easy Hal, his uncle's the regional director for all the stores in the whole northeast.
HAL
I know, but two minutes with him and I feel like I gotta take a shower he's so vile.
BENNY
Oh, He's vile alright . . Vile Lyle.
HAL
(grinning)
Not bad.
BENNY
He's comein' down the aisle.
HAL
I'd love to just pop'em one
BENNY
Yeah, and you'd be shit canned before he hit the ground.
LYLE
(Lyle enters)
Come on fucknuckles another union break?
BENNY
We ain't got a union.
LYLE
That's right, you're at the mercy of management you could be fired at any time.
I-1-6
HAL
You haven't reminded us of that in what two, three days?
LYLE
Come on guys, I get rid of you who's balls would I break?
HAL
I have faith in you Lyle, you'd find someone.
LYLE
Where's your buddy?
HAL
(turning around)
Down at the end of the aisle. He's helping a customer.
LYLE
(leering)
oooh, Yes, he is . . . look at that firm, tight little dumper on her.
BENNY
She is in excellent shape for her age, and I like those boots she's wearing their sexy I gotta get a pair for my wife.
LYLE
Hunh . . . What are you talkin' about boots?
BENNY
I'm talkin' about the boo . . . oh no who are you looking at?
LYLE
Red sweater, tight little ass.
BENNY
(disgusted)
Lyle, that's gotta be the woman's daughter she's a kid!
HAL
Fourteen, fifteen years old tops.
LYLE
Yeah so? Hey, grass on the infield
(pretending to swing a bat)
it's time to play ball.
HAL
Told ya Ben, shower I need a shower!!!
I-1-7
VIC
(Vic enters)
Hey guys, what's goin' on? . . Oh, Lyle the clear corking there's only like two, three cases left we're going to have to re-order.
LYLE
Yeah, yeah never mind that shit, listen this weekend you goin' into the city?
VIC
aah, yeah, I think so.
Hal
Come on Lyle give it a rest you know he likes to fly solo.
VIC
(apologetic)
It's just that I've got something set up for this weekend.
BENNY
I bet this something is a real knockout.
VIC
As a matter of fact.
LYLE
OK Fuck it . . doesn't matter I'm setting up another little trip down to south America.
BENNY
Again? You go down there a lot.
LYLE
That's right . . sun, beach and did I mention plenty of young
beaver.
HAL
(sarcastic)
And I'm sure their all of legal age.
LYLE
(walking away)
Let's just say they're not sticklers for rules down there.
HAL
(sighing, shaking his head)
Benny listen I've got some new merchandise out in my minivan ya interested?
I-1-8
BENNY
Maybe whatdaya got?
VIC
Oh, he's got a little of everything it's like a Walmart on wheels.
HAL
That's right this month I have quite an array of goods. I got some jeans, sweaters, some kitchenware, couple of different golf clubs, I even have a few small appliances left.
BENNY
Oh, speaking of small appliances . . . UM do you have a liberal return policy?
VIC
(laughing)
Ooh boy.
HAL
(annoyed)
No . . . No, I don't. Extremely conservative why?
BENNY
It's just that the blender . . .
HAL
That blender is top of the line. It's got every bell and fuckin’ whistle come on Benny I practically gave that thing away.
BENNY
Hal my wife’s pissed I came home with a blender with no top.
HAL
Tin foil Benny, A piece of tin foil!
BENNY
Hmmm . . That's an idea I'll run it past her.
VIC:
(chuckling)
See problem solved.
BENNY
Where do you get all this shit from anyway?
HAL
I told ya I know this guy at the airport.
I-1-9
BENNY
So, the stuffs HOT?
HAL
No, I don't think so I don't ask a lot of questions so . .
BENNY
It's HOT.
HAL
No . . . who knows maybe could be, ya know a little like aahhh lukewarm.
VIC
Come on it's time to go.
BENNY
You guys still car-pooling? . . ah that's nice.
HAL
(shoots Benny an annoyed look)
BENNY
What?
HAL
Listen Vic, gotta make a little detour on the way home.
VIC AHH come on Hal! HAL I gotta stop at the track . . . Belmont is what five minutes out of the way?
VIC
Yeah, alright.
(Hal and Vic begin walking)
HAL
I just wanna catch the ninth . . . I got a horse.
VIC
You always do.
(CURTAIN)
(END OF SCENE)
I-2-10
ACT-1
Scene 2
SETTING: Belmont Racetrack Long Island NY
AT RISE: Hal and Vic Standing Near the Rail, Hal Holding Ticket
HAL
OK, good we got some time before the race goes off.
VIC
(sarcastic)
No better place to kill time . . . That guy who walked past us before he stunk like a mule.
HAL
(shaking his head)
I apologize the tracks a weird cocktail ya got your blue blood owners up in the clubhouse, and then there's that guy who obviously needs a bath.
VIC
(pointing)
What the hell's that guy doin'?
HAL
OOH, He's a stooper. He goes around stooped over like that pickin' up discarded tickets off the floor.
VIC
Poor guy . . . What's he like a little off you know mentally?
HAL
(laughing)
No, No he's fine as a fiddle.
VIC
Really?
HAL
Yeah, these guys every so often find a winning ticket that someone threw away by accident.
VIC
I guess they’re poor or homeless or something.
I-2-11
HAL
No, that's not the case . . see the stooper over there.
(pointing)
A while back I seen him driving outta' the parking lot in a brand new, Cadillac.
VIC
No Shit!
HAL
Let me tell ya Vic
(waving ticket)
If this, seven horse comes in there's no way one of those stoopers is getting his grubby hands on this ticket.
VIC
How much did you put on em'?
HAL
Fifty, but the odds are eight to one, as long as he doesn't get bet down it will be a nice hit.
VIC
(jokingly)
Yeah, and then you can retire.
HAL
Yeah right, not even close . . . besides I don't want to retire I just want to make some real money and it would be nice to do it on my own terms.
VIC
Ahh shit, here we go.
HAL
What?
VIC
The meat truck again!
Hal
You mean the boars head route?
VIC
Let it go.
I-2-12
HAL
You have to admit it makes sense we'd be makein' double what we make now. You and me partners . . . We deliver cold cuts to delis and supermarkets knock it out in the morning, early afternoon and the rest of the day is ours. Our own business Vic our own fuckin’ business.
VIC
You said yourself those routes go for between two hundred fifty to three hundred thousand. We don't have that kind of money so just get it outta your fuckin’ head it ain't gonna happen.
HAL
(Downcast)
Why do you have to piss
(moving his hips side to side
pretending to urinate)
all over my dream?
VIC
Wait a minute your dream is to sling cold cuts around Nassau County?
HAL
There is another way . . . The SUPERFECTA pays huge! We hit that it'ed be plenty for a nice down payment on the truck and route. Then we could work out an affordable monthly payment plan Hmmmmm . . .
VIC
Superfecta?
HAL
Yeah, ya gotta pick the first four horses to cross the finish line.
VIC
(Sarcastic)
Piece of cake.
HAL
No, I've come close plenty of times, it always comes down to one horse I'm not sure about . . . I need more info, some inside info, now that would be nice.
VIC
You know what would be nice, Hal, if for just once you'd be content with your life . . . ya got a nice wife, nice house, nice decent job.
I-2-13
HAL
Content, Decent, Nice . . you can add depressed to the list. What the hell kinda pep talk was that?
VIC
It wasn't meant to be.
Hal
I'm confused was it just general ball-breaking?
VIC
No . . . No ball-breaking not general, not specific no breaking of balls of any kind!
HAL
So?
VIC
I was just listing some things you should be grateful for; you know the house the . . .
HAL
OK the house needs a shit load of work and I don't have the money to fix it. My job, you know how I feel about that and my . . .
VIC
Your wife's a saint. You do know your living with a saint.
HAL Oh, I know, but do you know what its like living with a saint? . . It's a living hell!! VIC What's wrong with you? Not once have I heard Michelle give you a hard time about anything, you know how many wives do nothing but bitch and complain?
HAL
That's just it! I think she's holding it in.
VIC
Your nuts, unlike you maybe she's happy and content with her life.
HAL
Bullshit! . . How could she be? Dental Hygienist? Come on cleaning gum out of kids braces, pickin' food outta people’s
I-2-14
teeth then come home to Hal the big successful Home Fixer sales associate.
VIC
Puttin' up with a nut job like you. Like I said a saint, a real saint.
HAL
Actually the saint has been nudging me again lately about her sister Phyllis and you maybe goin' on some kind of date I hate to keep askin' but . . .
VIC
No, I want to it's just every weekend’s been packed but maybe . . .
HAL
Damn it! While we're standing here bullshitting the race went off there coming down the stretch already.
VIC
The seven horse, right?
HAL
Yeah, Fleet Gucci
(off stage track announcer
heard)
Deep stretch, its Boo-Boo's Back and Fleet Gucci separating from the rest of the field.
HAL
Come on Fleet Gucci
(track announcer)
Fleet Gucci in front by a half-length but Boo-Boo's Back is driving!
HAL
Come on Gucci hold'em off!!!
(track announcer)
Fleet Gucci and Boo-Boo's Back. Boo-Boo's Back and Fleet Gucci battling!
HAL
NO, NO!!
(track announcer)
At the wire!
HAL
(yelling)
Shit No, No!!
I-2-15
(track announcer)
It's Boo-Boo's Back the winner by a neck!
HAL
(Screaming)
F.Murray Abraham!!!
(Hal rips his ticket and
throws it to the ground)
VIC
What?
HAL
Let's go.
(Hal and Vic walking away)
VIC
(confused)
Wait, I don't get . . . you mean . . the actor?
(CURTAIN)
(END OF SCENE)
I-3-16
ACT 1
Scene 3
SETTING: Hal and Michelle's kitchen Valley Stream Long Island, NY
AT RISE: Phyllis sitting at table
Michelle leaning against counter.
PHYLLIS
Listen, I'm not saying he's a total bum cause he's not.
MICHELLE
(sarcastic)
Husband's not a total bum, ok . . . that's a relief.
PHYLLIS
You didn't take that the wrong way did ya?
MICHELLE
(sarcastic)
Nah . . not at all.
PHYLLIS
Cause I'm tryin' to be constructive.
MICHELLE
(sarcastic)
As always Phyllis.
PHYLLIS
I mean really Michelle who knows bums better than me? . . Joey my ex world class bum. And since I've been back in circulation nothin’ but a parade of bums, Oh, don't get me started.
MICHELLE
Wouldn't think of it.
PHYLLIS
So, getting back to Hal.
MICHELLE
Do we have to?
PHYLLIS
(ignoring)
Look Shelly, He's got pluses and a few minuses. Plus number one he brings in a salary not great, but a salary . . Also, he sells
I-3-17
that crap out of his van, and of course your working so ya getting by right?
MICHELLE
(sarcastic)
Of course, thank god for that crap sellin'.
PHYLLIS
Right . . . But ya know I've noticed Hal does like to play the ponies and that's a waste of money youz don't need.
MICHELLE
Hal doesn't spend a lot on the horses, you know he just dreams of hitting it big one day.
PHYLLIS
You know what they say about dreams . . . there so effing overrated.
MICHELLE
Tell me again Phyllis we're related right?
PHYLLIS
Sisters, sweetie, sisters.
MICHELLE
Well, me and Hal have dreams and there not as you put it, effing overrated.
PHYLLIS
Please, tell me one of these dreams has me finally becoming an Aunt.
MICHELLE
(pensive, speaks quietly)
Yeah, of course that's number one on our list.
(Hal enters thru side kitchen
Door)
MICHELLE
OH, Hi honey.
(Michelle gives Hal a peck on
the lips)
HAL
Hey, Phyllis.
I-3-18
PHYLLIS
Speak of the devil . . . we were just talkin' about how you’re not really a bum. It's just that you need a little push in the right direction, once in a while.
MICHELLE
Not we Phyllis!! Hal . .
HAL
It's ok Shelly, this bum doesn't take your whacky sister seriously anyway
PHYLLIS
Wait Hal, I said not really a bum.
HAL
Oh, sorry to misquote you, and what's this no direction shit? Cause I don't see a compass hangin' off your ass!
PHYLLIS
(confused)
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
HAL
It means I don't need this crap when I walk in the door.
PHYLLIS
Well anyway you could help with my direction by talking to your friend Vic, how many times I gotta ask?
HAL
First of all, I gave'em your phone number but you know he's a . . . you know a busy guy.
PHYLLIS
He's avoiding me like the plague!!
HAL
No, that's not it, you know I've got a theory.
PHYLLIS
(distrustful)
Oh, you got a theory.
HAL
Yeah, it's kinda like thoroughbred horse racing.
I-3-19
PHYLLIS
You hear this Michelle he's going to compare me to a horse.
MICHELLE
Hal be nice.
HAL
(walking around kitchen)
What I'm saying is and don't forget this is my theory not Vic's he don't know shit about horses. OK, now when it comes to horses there's different classes
(Phyllis standing with arms
crossed annoyed look on her face)
Ya got ya stakes horses they run in big races for big money some of them can enter the Kentucky Derby, Preakness, Belmont Stakes, their, the cream of the crop. Then you have the horses that run in the allowance races still good horses that run for pretty large purses. Then there's the claimers, these horses tend to be older they've won some, lost some but there certainly not in their prime . . . matter of fact the owners put them up for claim meaning anyone can buy them. Now my theory when it comes to Vic is that maybe we've got you entered in the wrong race! Vic, we can all agree, belongs in the stakes, where, as you Phyllis belong in the . . .
MICHELLE
OK, That's enough Hal.
PHYLLIS
You know what my theory is Hal? That you’re a horse’s ass!!!
(Phyllis walking towards the
door)
Listen are you going to talk to him or not?
HAL
Yeah, Yeah OK I'll talk to him.
PHYLLIS
Michelle I'll talk to you soon
(shaking her head)
sweetie I don't know how you put up with this guy.
(Phyllis leaves)
HAL
I'll tell ya that sister of yours.
MICHELLE
She's going through a little rough patch that's all.
I-3-20
HAL
She comes over here and her mouth just takes your ears hostage.
MICHELLE
I don't understand she's got a lot going for her, and she did lose that weight.
HAL
(chuckling)
I'm sure she'll find it soon enough.
MICHELLE
(ignoring)
But you'll talk to Vic?
HAL
Jeez, I said I'll talk to him. What's for dinner?
MICHELLE
I think I'll whip up a meatloaf. It's quick we can eat in an hour or so.
HAL
Ya know if you don't feel like cooking maybe we should go out to eat.
MICHELLE
No, That's a waste of money.
HAL
Look at us, always scrimping and saving maybe your dopey sister was right how do you put up with me?
MICHELLE
Honey, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Just relax we'll be fine, remember, "All good things come to those who wait."
HAL
You know that is a nice little saying.
MICHELLE
See . . . you feel better, now don't you?
HAL
(Sarcastic)
Oh Yeah, ya know instead of driving to work tomorrow maybe I'll just skip the whole way there.
I-3-21
MICHELLE
Come here ya big lug.
(Hal and Michelle embrace,
rocking side to side)
(CURTAIN)
(END OF SCENE)