Honey Fungus by Victor Ciuccio

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

ACT 1

Opening scene is of a black hole­like swirling image with flashes of
light that build intensity and seem to rise up and flow through the
bar door as it swings open.

A youngish man enters and approaches the bartender:

RUDD
Do you know if Professor Victor Beppe is here?
The bartender nods in the direction of a booth at the back of the bar
without saying anything.

RUDD
(approaches the booth)
Rumor has it that you singlehandedly stopped Senator Slashburn from
dismantling the National Parks system.
Beppe looks up from his computer.

PROFESSOR VICTOR BEPPE
You have to be careful with rumors. Are you Rudd?

RUDD
Yes, I want to thank you for agreeing to meet me. I am a freelance
investigative reporter and I heard on the grapevine that you were
behind the budgetary reversal on the National Parks system cuts.

PROFESSOR VICTOR BEPPE
My trusted friends call me Beppe. You can call me that. But, I'm very
distrustful of reporters. Why should I trust you?

RUDD
Well, it's all in the story. So, as long as it's a true story, there's
no reason for distrust.

BEPPE
What if some parts of the story can't be told? How would you handle
those parts?

RUDD
Exactly as you would prefer. The question remains, without those parts
will I have a publishable story?

BEPPE
Do you know what homotism is?

RUDD
No, I never heard of it.

BEPPE
At least you're honest there. Actually, it is a new word I coined. Do
you know what egotism is?

RUDD
I think so, but, somehow I get the feeling I don't.

BEPPE
(Beppe looks at the bartender and signals for two beers) Homotism is
the concept that man, the species as a whole, suffers from a tendency,
a malady, to believe that he/she is the superior species above all
others and, thus, interprets the world accordingly, or should I say,
mistakenly.

RUDD
OK. I get the concept. But, Senator Slashburn doesn't seem to be the
thinking type. How does this concept relate to him and his about­face?

Rudd pauses as if he is really struggling to put 2 and 2 together.

RUDD
or does it?

Just then, the bartender appears with two beer mugs. Beppe looks up,
smiles and nods to the bartender.

BEPPE
Rudd, this is Joe. He's part of the story and he now believes in
homotism. Shall we say, one trial learning.

RUDD
Nice to meet you, Joe.

JOE
Hope so.

Joe turns abruptly, returns to the bar and smiles. (Joe's smile
reveals the fact that he watches what people do, not what they say.)

BEPPE
By the time we're done telling you the background to this saga, and up
to the point of deciding whether to tell you more, you'll become a
different person. Something like those near­death epiphanies we hear
about. (Beppe pauses, wrestling with whether to continue) Along the
way, you'll meet and interview my crew. They'll provide independent
validation of the story. They'll be judging you while you judge us.
Nothing will be published along the way. By the end of the story,
we'll make up our minds about showing you evidence that connects the
dots, in fact, connects all the dots, beyond your comprehension.
Probably making you a confirmed homotist. Agreed?

RUDD
Agreed. Of course, if your story's not compelling, I'll tell you that
and stop. Epiphanies are hard to come by.

BEPPE
Sure, I don't think I have much to worry about, especially since we
hold the trump card.

RUDD
OK, how do we proceed?

BEPPE
Easy, all the interviews of my crew will happen here. How you
interview Slashburn and his crew, if need be, that's your business.
Beppe takes a swig of his beer. Rudd follows suit. Beppe turns his
eyes to the bar entrance as early happy hour regulars begin to
appear.

BEPPE
I'll talk with my crew members about meeting you here in down­time
hours before the bar din gets too loud. We're running out of time now,
so, can you be here tomorrow, let's say 2:00ish?

RUDD
(Rudd nods in the affirmative)

BEPPE
Have you ever heard of Honey Fungus?

RUDD
What?

BEPPE
Honey Fungus, Armillaria, usually referred to as parasitic fungi.
There's one in Malheur National Forest. It's thought to be the largest
living organism in the world. It covers 3.4 square miles and is
thought to be 2,400 to 8,000 years old. Some even display bio
luminescence or foxfire.

RUDD
(scratches his chin as if deep in thought) Are you suggesting that
somehow, someway Senator Slashburn and Honey Fungus are connected?

BEPPE
(smiles, then laughs out loud)
YES.

RUDD
Well, you've managed to pique my curiosity.

BEPPE
Good, let's enjoy our beer. We can pick it up tomorrow.
The crowd has grown. The bar noise reflects the crowd and its happy
pursuit of happy.

BLACKOUT

Beppe is seated in the same booth. The bar is empty except for Joe
behind the bar. Rudd enters and walks to the booth that Beppe is
seated in. He nods to Joe as he does.

RUDD
I have to admit, Beppe, I did some research last night about Honey
Fungus and Senator Slashburn and could not connect any dots.

BEPPE
Good. The connection is exactly what we're not supposed to talk about.

RUDD
I'm interested in Slashburn's change. It goes against his political
posturing and makes no sense. Do you intend to talk about it or not?

BEPPE
I've talked with my people and they need assurance that you can be
trusted. Are you willing to take a blood oath never to reveal your
source? If so, we're willing to take a risk with you? if not, let the
rumors swirl.

Both men stare at each other, eyeball to eyeball, for a long
uncomfortable silence until…

RUDD
Yes, I'm a professional journalist and my profession's foundation
requires me to protect my sources. I personally give you my word,
blood oath, I'll never reveal the who, what, where, when or why of
what you tell me.

Beppe takes a relaxing posture in the booth, leans back with his feet
up and takes a deep breath.

BEPPE
I'm an Anthropologist by training, but, have shied away from
traditional Anthy work. I've always read extensively about
cutting­edge science like genetics, epigenetics, animal and plant
consciousness, the beginning of life, and evolution here on earth.
Rudd seems bored already and has not taken a note yet.

RUDD
Interesting, but remember I was asked to investigate why Slashburn did
a 180 and funded the National Park system.

BEPPE
Patience there, Rudd. When that question is answered you'll have no
regrets about suffering along with our story. Maybe it would be better
to put some flesh on the bones and have you meet the crew.
Beppe makes an imperceptible signal to Joe who turns and makes a call
on his cell phone. Then a second and a third, longer, call. He puts
his phone away, asks a few customers if they need drinks and quickly
serves them up. He then approaches Beppe and Rudd.

JOE
Qacha and Huxley are on their way. Nadine says another day.

BEPPE
Rudd, you've meet Joe but allow me to introduce him again.
This is Joe the Rigger, as in

BEPPE
Rigger's Bar, and it was his job to rig the solar panels and cables
that provided the power for our equipment. He dusted off his mountain
climbing skills and titillated his inner spirit by climbing and
positioning solar panels high in the trees near Honey Fungus's
location.

RUDD
(smiles and looks at Joe) So, you roped up Slashburn, hung him out a
window until he agreed to fund the Park system, right?

They all smile.

JOE
Actually, that might've been easier than what we actually did.

BEPPE
Before Joe could rig, Qacha and I crisscrossed the entire Honey Fungus
location with ground penetrating radar, taking readings and searching
for what we hoped would be the dead center of it. Qacha had also
tweaked some very sensitive extremely low frequency gear to pick up
any signals to help pinpoint where to set up our camp and equipment.
We wanted to be above the center of Honey Fungus, if there was such a
point.

RUDD
Did you find it?

BEPPE
Well, yes, at least close enough for us to drop stake and set up camp.

JOE
We set up a guide tent with stove and began unpacking our gear. My
ropes and ascenders, Qacha's calibrating gear and electrical wires,
connectors etc. We had to wait a day or so for Huxley, who was meeting
black marketeers for a crucial piece of gear. We did get a call from him expressing

JOE
his last will and testament since the characters he was meeting on the
docks made the Russian Mafia look tame.
Joe turns and returns to the bar to serve the few customers.

RUDD
So, you're setting up camp and Huxley is acquiring what? What was the
black market purchase?

BEPPE
We were trying to buy a satellite that Qacha….

RUDD
(in an animated state, interrupts) A satellite! Are you serious? Can
you do that? For what purpose? Did you get it? Did you use it to spy
on Slashburn? Is that how you turned Slashburn?

BEPPE
Yes, yes, yes, no and no. Qacha felt it would be easier and much
cheaper to jerry-rig a small satellite for our use than to patch
together the equipment we needed.

RUDD
I'm all ears.

BEPPE
Most people don't realize that satellite signals are very weak. On a
par with a 50 watt light bulb. You can't even read with a 50 watt
light bulb. But, it's sufficient to send digital signals long distances through space.

Each time the bar door opens, both Joe and Beppe glance that way.
Customers straggle in? regulars take their regular seats at the bar.

BEPPE
Qacha believed she could tweak the satellite to pick up the faintest
electromagnetic signals coming from Honey Fungus, if there were any.

RUDD
Where there any?

BEPPE
Oh, yeah. Not all the time, but, at night, the dead of night, there
was a crescendo of signals, that would build to a climax and then tail
off. During the day, not so much. In the dead of night, the lights on
the equipment would blink rapidly, creating a faint glow in the tent.
It had an eerie glow almost as if it had a life of its own.

Just then the bar door opened. In walks Qacha. She was so drop­dead
beautiful that every wrong­headed stereotype of beauty and brains was
shattered. Her Mongolian ancestry was evident in her beauty. As she
walked to the back booth, the regulars, accustomed to her beauty,
said, “Hi Qacha” as if merely knowing her name was a cherished
entitlement.

Beppe stood as she approached and gave her the warmest hug, then
turned to Rudd. They sat down.

BEPPE
Rudd, this is Qacha. Qacha this is Rudd, the reporter I told you
about. You know, the one who's hell bent on figuring out why Slashburn
saw the light.

Qacha extends her hand and Rudd shakes it. Rudd is on auto­ pilot
since Qacha's beauty is still filtering through his gray matter.
Rudd struggles to regain his composure and decides to right himself by
making a humorous comment.

RUDD
Forget Slashburn, tell me the story. Tell me the whole story. Just,
tell me the whole story.

It's amazing how a beautiful woman changes the tone. From that point
forward, Rudd shows more interest in the story than in Slashburn. Joe
appears with a round of beers and looks at Rudd.

JOE
Your lucky day, Rudd. Not only is Qacha beautiful and smart, but she
likes beer.

QACHA
OK, so where are we in this story?

BEPPE
Camp site with an eerie glow at night, but, I've spared the details.

JOE
Oh, by the way, Nadine said she can't make it. She'll try to be
available in the next day or so.

BEPPE
What about Huxley?

JOE
I wasn't able to reach him, left a message. But, we all know, he's
unpredictable. Rudd, he's our resident finder and gatherer, he'll find
us on his own time.

QACHA
Beppe, you told Rudd that we established our camp site, but, without
details, right?

BEPPE
Yes, but the details are a story in themselves. Rudd, the details are
an article in themselves. You might want to consider that.

Rudd nods affirmatively and Qacha takes that as her queue. She looks
at Rudd.

QACHA
We spent a lot of time just walking in a tight grid pattern, taking
readings. Ground penetrating radar for density patterns. And a highly
sensitive electromagnetic reader. Rudd, you have to understand that
Honey Fungus is miles wide but not thick. They say that 1 cubic inch
of soil contains 8 miles of mycelium. I'll spare you the equipment
names and calibration stuff and focus on the readings. Are you
familiar with the science of DNA sequencing?

RUDD
Yes.

[End of Extract]