I Hate My Afterlife by Dana Hall

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

Late afternoon. Sometime in the 2020s.

The Miller’s suburban living room

The Millers are still moving in, there are few unpacked boxes

TAMMY is wearing an ornate ugly bridesmaid’s dress and is sitting on the couch, center stage

TAMMY’s eyes are closed and she is praying

TAMMY: Please, please send a vampire! Please.

EDITH enters from stage left. She is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, khaki shorts, and sandals with socks

She puts down a briefcase

EDITH: Hidey-Ho!

TAMMY: (Disappointed) No!

EDITH: You must be Tammy.

TAMMY: You’re not a vampire.

EDITH: Nope. I’m Edith Pepperton from Fort Myer, Florida. Well, now I’m a mid-ranking deity- (She has a name tag) I do the onboarding for those new to the afterlife/

TAMMY: (Disappointed) Great, mid-level management. Not surprised it took so long.

EDITH: Well you know the big guy doesn’t work on Sundays/

A scream is heard from the upstairs bedroom OS.

EDITH: Sounds like you’ve been busy! How are the Millers?

TAMMY: Mark and Sally? Lousy. This is so boring! My phone doesn’t even work.

EDITH: Can you imagine the roaming rates! (Pause. She sits next to TAMMY) Listen, I know you young one’s have certain ideas about the afterlife. Most are looking for the strong, pale, pointy-tooth kind, with the high-cheek bones and (fantasizes) rippling muscles to show up and whisk them away (clears throat) but that’s not how this works- I’ve been assigned to your case to help get you acquainted/

TAMMY: (Sarcastic) Yippe!

EDITH: We’ll make the most of it. (nudges Tammy) I’ll show you the ropes. Besides vampires like to sleep in - try waking one during the day- such a pain in the neck. Ha! (nudges Tammy again).

SALLY enters stage right visibly shaken. She walks across the living room holding a creepy doll by its toe. Exits stage left.

SALLY: (To self) The previous owners must’ve had kids. I told him we should’ve bought new.

EDITH: Well, looks like someone is a quick study! Takes me back to my first haunting- Such a classic. Good work!

EDITH tries to high-five Tammy. Tammy does not budge.

EDITH: Sorry. I’m not up with the times been in the spirit realm since the Reagan administration. Is this what the kids are doing? (EDITH stands up and dabs, tries to floss (any current trend of dance move will do.)

TAMMY: Can one die of embarrassment?

EDITH: Not if you’re already dead! (Laughs at her own joke) So, how did you die?

TAMMY stands up and walks over to a table (downstage right) and is thumbing through a book.

TAMMY: Isn’t that information in my file?

EDITH: Well…

TAMMY: What? What’s the problem?

EDITH: So to be honest, in case He’s watching (looks up to heaven), the truth is your file is lost-

TAMMY: What?

EDITH: Yah, we got a new filing system and can’t seem to locate your earth records/

TAMMY: There’s no record of my life! Go figure. Ugh, I did so many good things- I never littered, I always returned my shopping cart, I gave compliments even when they weren't true- by the way I like your shoes.

EDITH: (shows off sandals) Thanks!

TAMMY: See how good I was!-What a waste!

EDITH: Being good is it’s own reward.

TAMMY: Yet here I am! Ugh. To think I was so worried when I bought this ugly thing that I would never wear it again. (fluffs dress) Now I’m stuck in it for all of eternity.

EDITH: Is that a bridesmaid dress?

TAMMY drops the book loudly on the floor as if it was routine.

TAMMY: Yes, it was for my best friend's wedding. The photographer wanted the perfect picture. So I backed up to get in the frame and my phone went off, when I looked down I lost my balance, my heel slipped and I fell/

EDITH: No/

TAMMY: Off a cliff.

Mark enters stage left and sees the book on the floor. He picks it up and looks around. Then places it down on the table.

MARK: I’m watching you house. I’m watching… (Points to his eyes then at the room indicating he is watching. He backs up slowly and walks into a piece of furniture and jumps up and then into a fighting stance. There is no one there. He backs out of the room stage right. EDITH and TAMMY watch, slightly amused, then continue their conversation).

TAMMY: How about you? How’d you...ya know? (Makes ‘dead’ face)

EDITH: Kick the bucket? Take the long nap? (in a Southern accent) Buy the farm and all the cattle?

TAMMY: Nevermind.

EDITH: No-no, it’s just no one asks me. (excited to share) It was the summer of 85’ and I was enjoying the white sand between my toes and the tranquil waters around me. I had just retired, cashed in my pension, and moved to the southwest coast of Florida.

TAMMY: We may be dead but is this going to take all eternity?

MARK and SALLY entering from opposite sides cross paths upstage. SALLY stops and is unpacking a box.

EDITH: Oh the mortals! I love watching them. It’s like reality TV but real.

MARK: (Looking around for missing items) I can’t find anything around here. Where’s my other shoe? (He is holding one shoe.)

EDITH: Benefit of the afterlife you never have to unpack.

[End of Extract]