Like, Aliens? by Katie DiPietro

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

LIKE, ALIENS?

________________


A Play in 1 Act

By

K. DiPietro

Copyright 2019


Cast of Characters:
(In order of appearance)


OCEAN: (m./f.) A pretentious, “want to be” teenage influencer. Faux insightful and hilariously self-centered. Note: written in published script as female. Name can be changed to reflect a male casting.


NANNETTE: (f.) Goofy, enthusiastic, and casually oblivious teenager. Boy crazy and in love with XANDER COLLINS.


NORA: (m./f.) Bright and competitive “make up guru.” Best friends with OCEAN. Note: written in published script as female. Name can be changed to reflect a male casting.


BROOKS: (m./f.) Extremely smart voice of reason. Teenage genius. Kind, friendly, considerate, and maybe a mad scientist. Note: written in published script as male. Name can be changed to reflect a female casting.


SOPHIE: (m./f.) Goodie two-shoes, repressed teenager with a tendency to quote his/her mother. Note: written in published script as female. Name can be changed to reflect a male casting.


CONNOR: (m.) Self-obsessed and narcissistic teenager who is thoroughly in love with himself.


WILLOW: (f.) The epitome of the “theater kid” stereotype, she is a ridiculous, competitive diva.


JESSIE: (m.) A needlessly intense and competitive teenager that believes in cheering for basically everything.


JACK: (m.) Casual, easy-going, and snarky best friend to SOPHIE.

KINSLEY: (f.) An enthusiastic, friendly, and absolutely empty-headed cheerleader.


XANDER COLLINS: (m.) The absolute coolest kid in school who causes all of his classmates to swoon. Traditionally cast as an unconventional “cool-kid.”

Additional voices represented: [Can be recordings or offstage readings]
o PA Announcement
o Aliens
o Tech Director

[All characters are caricatures of typical teenagers between 2015 and 2020. The vernacular is intentionally stylized to reflect the speaking patterns of this demographic.

All characters are friends and genuinely enjoy each other. This is meant to be banter between highly distracted and caricatured friends.

OCEAN, NORA, BROOKS, and SOPHIE, can be cast as any gender. Pronouns and names can be changed for performance purposes, as casting indicates. The roles of OCEAN, NORA, AND SOPHIE are written as female and BROOKS is written as male in this script in accordance with original casting.]


SCENE: An unkempt and chaotic room in a city high school where the cast are serving detention for missing a mandatory assembly.


TIME: Sometime between 2016-2019 (the era of Vines and social media obsession).


NOTE: This play was written as an excuse to casually “roast” teenagers and create a time capsule piece explaining the insanity of our youth. This absurdist monstrosity is nothing more substantial than a hormonal fever-dream that culminates in happy messages of comradery, self-acceptance, and living life to the fullest, surrounded by friends. The production is meant to be presented as a multi-media piece.

The climax of the show involves a “dance break,” which is intended to reflect the personalities of the characters, the favorite songs of the day, and the stereotypes of campy theater. More details regarding this collection of songs and sounds are notated during that portion of the script.


ACT I, SCENE 1:


SETTING: An unkempt and chaotic room in a city high school where the cast are serving detention. Set should reflect a high school classroom at the end of a hectic day.

AT RISE: Students enter to begin detention.

[Enter OCEAN, NANNETTE, NORA, WILLOW, BROOKS]

OCEAN: Where did half the chairs go?

NANNETTE: Budget cuts.

NORA: City Schools are such garbage.

NANNETTE: How are we supposed to trust that they keep these things clean when they’re always being rearranged in different classrooms? It’s irresponsible. Like what if there were germs 2 classrooms down that have never experienced this classroom’s atmosphere? We could be breeding super bugs!

WILLOW: You can pretty much bet that anything here is seconds away from breeding a super bug. The standards are abysmal. This is unacceptable. How can they do this? How can this be happening? I can’t work like this!

[Enter SOPHIE]

BROOKS: There are a lot of us in here. I’d like to say I’m surprised, but statistically, it makes a lot of sense that so many of us have an affinity for being detained.

[Enter CONNOR]

SOPHIE: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never broken a rule. Well, not intentionally. My mom doesn’t like it when I express my personality too much. She says that’s a good way to get myself into trouble.

NORA: This lighting is the worst. (to CONNOR) You know what, you could use a little something.

[NORA pulls out a makeup bag and a brush. Enter JESSIE]

CONNOR: Woah, I don’t think I…

NORA: Don’t worry, I promise you’ll be gorgeous!

CONNOR: I do love being gorgeous. Ok, you have three minutes.

NORA: Look, Rome was not built in a day.

JESSIE: So, it looks like we have the worst luck in the universe: all of us getting detention on the first day back from Winter break. That’s just sad.

OCEAN: What are we in here for again?

WILLOW: We all missed the mandatory assembly after 3rd period.

NANNETTE: Like we would EVER go into a room that has the entire junior class in it. Seriously, that’s like a petri dish of festering disease…

JESSIE: That’s kind of what we were supposed to be hearing about today, actually.

BROOKS: They had to talk to us about keeping our “bits and pieces” to ourselves. There’s been a mono outbreak in the theater department.

WILLOW: Oh my god, can you even believe it? SO unprofessional.

OCEAN: I can believe it. Theater kids are disgusting.

WILLOW: That’s why I’m not a “theater kid.” I am an actor.

[Enter JACK]

JESSIE: Why’d you miss the assembly, BROOKS?

BROOKS: Chemistry exam. Well, ok, it started as a chemistry exam, but then I got a little carried away on the lab portion and may or may not have blown up part of the East Wing with giant purple suds from a chemical reaction. I may have mixed it in a trash can … or 7… instead of the thimble we were supposed to be using.

NORA: BROOKS, come here, Honey, I’ll fix your eyebrows.

[NORA collects BROOKS.]

JACK: SOPHIE! I’m surprised to see you here.

SOPHIE: Well, here I am.

JACK: We still haven’t finished memorizing the entirety of the Declaration of Independence for government class. You could come over after detention, if you want.

SOPHIE: I don’t think my mom would like that. She’s real strict, and she’s not a huge fan of anything that declares independence.

JACK: She never lets you do anything.

SOPHIE: It’s for my own good. As you can tell from my troublesome demeanor, I’m really only one bad decision away from juvie.

JACK: You look like an old navy add.

SOPHIE: I know. I’m surprised she let me out of the house looking this edgy.

JESSIE: You know what? I went to Old Navy, once, and they immediately asked me to be a model. I’m not kidding. It was just like I had finally found my true calling.

JACK: Your true calling is modelling old navy?

JESSIE: Yes.

JACK: I didn’t realize you were interested in modeling.

JESSIE: Are you judging me?

JACK: Nope! No judgement, here. Just clarifying your hopes and dreams.

JESSIE: Look, I really can’t handle this kind of persecution right now. Why does everyone have to hate me all the time? I didn’t do anything wrong, I just expressed myself once, and now my life is over.

SOPHIE: That’s why my mom says it’s best not to talk to peers.

JESSIE: It’s terrible. Oh my god!

SOPHIE: What?

[JESSIE begins to shake and scrunch up his face, alarming the rest of the group]

JESSIE: Yup. My PTSD is suddenly flaring up.

JACK: From a separate incident in your troubled past?

JESSIE: No! From right now!

SOPHIE: Are you ok?!

JESSIE: I’m just feeling really triggered right now!

NORA: You just need a little something to boost your confidence. Right?

SOPHIE: My mom says the best remedy for mental illness is to suddenly change everything about yourself.

NORA: No, I was thinking highlighter and a spritz of Victoria’s Secret, but…

JESSIE: ( cutting Nora off) No! I’m already at a 15 on a scale from 1-10. I need something intense.

JACK: Have any fake eyelashes?

NORA: Yeah. Do you want gold or…

JESSIE: You know what? I’m feeling really defined by my eyes right now. I require guyliner, STAT.

OCEAN: I’ll document the transformation. My Instagram followers love “before and after” shots.

CONNOR: Well, I just love shots.

OCEAN: You’ve never had a drink.

CONNOR: Oh yeah… *slimy, flirt-boy, laugh*

[All characters react in disgust to CONNOR’s laugh]

JACK: Why’d you miss the assembly, Nan?

NANNETTE: I found a secret treasure map.

BROOKS: You what?

NANNETTE: I snuck into the boy’s locker room with a map that I found on the bottom brick of the wall in that one stall in that one girl’s bathroom that has both zero ventilation and a 30 mile per hour draft in the winter.

OCEAN: Oh yeah!

NANNETTE: The on the second floor…

JACK: What do you think?

NANNETTE: I’ll tell you right now, I have a steely constitution and the determination of a giraffe trying to get treats through a car sunroof on a faux-African safari… and I… could not… that place!

SOPHIE: Was it amazing? I mean, I’d like to say that I could only imagine, but imagination is not allowed in my family.

NORA: What was it like, NANNETTE?

OCEAN: Start from the beginning.

NANNETTE: So, I was trying to make all the toilets flush as the same time.

CONNOR: Why?

[WILLOW starts waving her hand round like she wants him to call on her]

WILLOW: Oh! Oh! I know this one! Ooooh! Pick me! Choose me!

CONNOR: Yes, oh great subtle one?

WILLOW: It mimics applause. It sounds like thousands of fans cheering for you. I always practice my showstoppers in that bathroom. You can build a lot of stamina from running into all of the stalls the flush all the toilets at the same time and then getting back to the first one to belt out a song.

BROOKS: Why not just stand in the last stall to sing? Why run back to the beginning?

WILLOW: BROOKS, Honey, toilets don’t flush for very long. In no time, I’d have to start all over with the running in order to get the effect.

BROOKS: Well, yeah, but why not just stand in the last stall to sing?

CONNOR: Or just stand in the same stall and flush over and over again?

JACK: Why are we discussing the logistics? Insanity is the issue, here, not lack of efficiency!

NORA: Is multi-stall bathroom flushing a new trend?

CONNOR: Something is trending that OCEAN didn’t know about?

OCEAN: I’m a hashtag failure!

WILLOW: No, you’re not, you’re just on the cusp of something… bold. Something… MAGNIFICENT!

BROOKS: It just doesn’t make sense, WILLOW!

JACK: Why do you all spend so much time in the bathrooms?

WILLOW: I’ll demonstrate. Imagine toilets flushing.

[WILLOW begins to sing “Don’t Rain on My Parade” (FUNNY GIRL) poorly]

WILLOW (singing) “Don’t tell me not to live, just sit and putter. Life’s candy and the sun’s…

JESSIE: (cutting WILLOW off) Oh my god, NANNETTE, you’d better start telling the rest of your story right now, or else we’re going to have to listen to more of this story and that, my dears, is something that just won’t do.

NANNETTE: So, I was trying to make all the toilets flush at the same time.

NORA: Why?

NANNETTE: Whimsy.

JACK: (agreeing) Obviously.

[NANNETTE draws the “map” from the bathroom wall on a whiteboard in the classroom. The outline distinctly resembles a “rude shape.”]

NANNETTE: So, I saw the map, right? And after drawing it on my hand, I followed the map through a hole in the wall that lead to a crawl space and eventually a glorious basement wonderland of delicious man candy.

CONNOR: And then?

NANNETTE: When I arrived, there was still a small barrier between myself and my prospective prey. A small pane of weathered glass kept me at bay.

BROOKS: And so?

NANNETTE: Hands trembling, I peered through the glass, trying desperately to catch sight of my one and only prize, XANDER COLLINS.

OCEAN: I took a picture of him getting on the bus, one time. My Instagram got two point eight billion “likes” that day.

NANNETTE: But alas! He evaded me.

SOPHIE: So, then you…

NANNETTE: Overwhelmed by the hunt, I smashed through the glass with pop socket! It was time for the kill!

JESSIE: Then?!

NANNETTE: Peering from the shattered glass, I looked upon all of my wildest dreams!

NORA: Boxers?

BROOKS: Briefs?

NANNETTE: Ankles! Ankles everywhere! Little ones, chonky ones, ones that scream a sophistication of a life I’ll never know…

OCEAN: That’s so…

NANNETTE: And then it hit me!

SOPHIE: What?

NANNETTE: The atmosphere.

NORA: Describe it!

NANNETTE: I don’t know if you all have ever smelled a teenage boy before, but I was floored by a wall of stank: Fritos, axe body spray, and, as best I could tell, AN ARMY OF UNDEAD CORPSES WADING THROUGH A SWAMP IN JULY! My eyes watered, I suddenly tasted old milk for some reason. I looked past my death to my afterlife; knowing, now, that I must be in hell!

JESSIE: What did you do?

NANNETTE: I ran. I ran, Jessie. I ran like the gods had blessed my feet with wings.

SOPHIE: You’re a pioneer.

OCEAN: I’m so proud of you for inspiring women everywhere.

NANNETTE: I’m no hero, OCEAN. I’m just a girl; a girl trying not to sit in a mandatory assembly.

SOPHIE: (wiping away tears) The hardships you have had to endure on behalf of women everywhere…

BROOKS: Let’s change the subject!

WILLOW: Did you guys hear that I got the lead in the school musical?

NANNETTE: I thought that was cancelled because of the rampaging mononucleosis.

WILLOW: Well, that’s where I was during the assembly. I had a little conversation with the directing team. I convinced them that putting on the show, as scheduled, was definitely the best way to keep spirits up. Everyone only comes to our shows to watch me, anyway.

BROOKS: All you had to do was talk to them? You must have made some valid arguments.

WILLOW: Yeah, I told them that everyone was super jealous of me because they’re intimidated by my professionalism and skill. They asked if I felt like I was being discriminated against and I obviously said yes. Then, “badda boom” – the role was mine.