Marry Me, Dennis Branigan by Michael Mizerany

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

Act One

Scene 1

The apartment of a converted warehouse with tons of open space.

DENNIS BRANIGAN jogs through the front door. He is dressed in running shorts and T-shirt, earbuds hanging from around his neck. He holds a bottle of water. He sings Ariana Grande’s 34+35. He takes a few laps around the couch.

DENNIS
I’ve been drinking coffee.
I’ve been eating healthy.
You know I keep it squeaky.
Saving up my energy, yeah.
Can you stay up all night?
Fuck me to the daylight!
34 + 35 yeah yeah yeah.

And then-

Scott, I’m back.

a beat

Sorry I’m late. There was some drama on Hilton Road and I had to go four blocks out of my way.

He opens the bottle and drinks it in almost one gulp.

There’s a Trader Joe’s that just opened on Nine Mile. Lots of metrosexuals.

Dennis grabs his head and falls onto the couch.

Fuuuuuck!

SCOTT FERNSBY enters from the bedroom clad only in boxer briefs. He chuckles.

SCOTT
I’ve told you a like thousand times not to gulp but to sip. Brain Freeze Baby!

DENNIS
It’s like a steel spike in my head.

SCOTT
Always sip, not gulp. There’s some room temperature water on the counter.

DENNIS
And it wasn’t like a thousand times. It was like two.

SCOTT
Still told you so.

DENNIS
grabbing the bottle of water

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SCOTT
imitating Dennis

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dennis drinks the water and sighs. Scott plops down on the couch.

DENNIS
Oh much better. I thought I was going to die.

SCOTT
How was your run?

DENNIS
It was great. I’ve missed it.

SCOTT
Yeah, you haven’t been in a couple months.

DENNIS
strutting over to Scott, he takes off his shirt

Hey, you know what I’m in the mood for?

SCOTT
chuckling

Hopefully a shower.

DENNIS
biggest fake laugh ever

Hahahahahaha. Nope!

then lustfully,

Do you want to Yabba Dabba Doo me?

SCOTT
Of all the things you could have named it, you chose the catchphrase of a cartoon character.

DENNIS
I blame Nick at Night.

SCOTT
I blame Ritalin.

DENNIS
So you don’t want to Yabba Dabba Doo me?

SCOTT
Oh I want to Yabba Dabba Doo you!

They kiss passionately. DENNIS breaks it.

DENNIS
Man, that was hot!

SCOTT
Less talk, more tongue.

DENNIS
Get ready for the lashing of your life.

They kiss longer, more passionately. Then suddenly -

Oh wait!

SCOTT
What? I thought I was going to Yabba Dabba Doo you?

DENNIS
In a minute, first I wanted to tell you what happened on my run.

SCOTT
Oh yes, the invasion of metrosexuals.

DENNIS
Yeah, it was really awesome.

SCOTT
Sounds like.

DENNIS
But there was something else.

SCOTT
What, there’s something more awesome than impeccably groomed straight men standing in line at Trader Joe’s to buy tofu nuggets and vintage root beer?

DENNIS
I know, crazy right?

Dennis energetically acts out the story. Scott lets him go for it, totally amused.

I was jogging on Hilton Road and you know my route, south on Hilton, west on Nine Mile, north on Livernois Street and then back home.

SCOTT
You are nothing if not a creature of habit

DENNIS
I know, right? It’s like running on automatic pilot. So I’m jogging, and I see cop car after cop car after cop car racing up Nine Mile Road. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom. And by the time I get there, there are barricades, caution tape, the whole “nothing to see here” except when they say there’s nothing to see, you know there’s something to see.

SCOTT
Well that stands to reason.

DENNIS
So after I elbow my way through the crowd…

SCOTT
Always the gentleman.

DENNIS
…and after I sneak through all the barricades and limbo under the caution tape…

SCOTT
laughing

Dennis Brian Branigan, you didn’t?

DENNIS
Honey, I had to and don’t be judgy. I wanted to see. Anyway, I expected there to be some sort of tragedy, some horrific event that challenges humanity.

SCOTT
You watch way too much reality TV.

DENNIS
I watch The Real Housewives of OC, Miami, Atlanta, New Jersey and Beverly Hills.

SCOTT
I think that qualifies as a horrific event that challenges humanity.

DENNIS
Can I finish my story?

SCOTT
Be my guest.

DENNIS
You love to interrupt.

SCOTT
Sorry.

DENNIS
You’re like the great interrupter.

SCOTT
I’ll stop. Go ahead.

DENNIS
smiling, the story continues

Thanks! So when I get to the front of the crowd, do you know what I see? A flash mob! Right outside Ringwald Theater! Heathers: The Musical is currently playing there and the actor playing Ram Sweeney proposed to the actor playing Kurt Kelly. It was so exciting.

SCOTT
What did Kurt say?

DENNIS
He said yes of course.

SCOTT
Of course he said yes to a guy named Ram.

DENNIS
Then they kissed. And people cheered. And the police sirens blared. And the confetti cannons went off. It was really beautiful. They were so happy.

SCOTT
Is that what you would want?

DENNIS
A flash mob wedding proposal?

SCOTT
Yeah, if I could do it again.

DENNIS
Well. Maybe. I don’t know.

SCOTT
Oh come on. All our friends dancing in the streets to Marry You by Bruno Mars.

DENNIS
I do like me some Bruno Mars.

a beat

So, what happens next?

Scott looks into Dennis’ eyes. It’s super romantic.

SCOTT
I pull you in to me. Close. Your body is warm in my hands. I can feel your fingertips on my skin. It’s electric. Both our hearts are racing. Fast. Faster than I could ever imagine. Then, almost like in slow motion, our lips touch, and we have the longest, sweetest, most romantic kiss ever. The kind of kiss you get lost in. Where the rest of the world fades away and for that one moment, for that one instant, everything seems perfect. And when it breaks, when our lips part and we gaze into each other’s eyes, we know it is perfect.

DENNIS
gushing excitedly

Oh man, that was good!

SCOTT
And then I would say, “Marry Me, Dennis Branigan.”

DENNIS
big smile

Fuck yeah!

They kiss passionately. After a moment, there’s a knock on the door. They stop and look at each other.

DENNIS
Susan!

SCOTT
Susan Interruptus.

DENNIS
Oh, I don’t want to go.

SCOTT
It’ll be fine.

DENNIS
I’m sick.

SCOTT
No you’re not.

DENNIS
I am. I have Susanphobia.

SCOTT
laughing

No you don’t.

DENNIS
Okay then I have Susan-itis. I have all the symptoms, rash, fever and the uncontrollable urge to throw myself down a flight of stairs.

SCOTT
You haven’t see her in months. And besides, it’s one dinner. You’ll survive.

DENNIS
Yeah I guess.

SCOTT
What’s with all this Susan bashing?

DENNIS
I’m not bashing. It’s just that…well…

SCOTT
“It’s just that well,” what?

DENNIS
She takes a lot of energy.

She knocks again.

SCOTT
Of course she does, she’s family.

DENNIS
I know.

SCOTT
Family can drive you crazy.

DENNIS
I know.

SCOTT
And you love her.

DENNIS
I do?

SCOTT
smiling, reprimanding parent

Dennis?

DENNIS
Okay, I do.

Susan knocks loudly on the door.

SUSAN (off)
I’m here. Stop masturbating.

SCOTT
If only.

DENNIS
Scooter, I really don’t…

Susan begins to sing, badly, the theme from the Sound of Music. The song continues through Dennis
and Scott’s dialogue.

SUSAN (off) DENNIS
The hills are alive with the sound of music That’s her favorite show.
With songs they have sung for a thousand years
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music SCOTT
Really?

The singing stops. Silence. Dennis and Scott look at each other. Dennis tiptoes toward the door. Then,
more loudly -

SUSAN (off)
That rise from the lake to the trees
My heart wants to sigh like a chime… SCOTT
Get the door.

Scott pushes Dennis towards the front door and exits into the bedroom. Dennis opens the door on her
last, screeching, screaming note.

SUSAN
“From a church on a BREEEEEZZZZE!

She enters like she owns the place. She is coiffed to the extreme and wears all black, with a black beret
on her head.

DENNIS
You sound like you’re being murdered.

SUSAN
Glass houses, Denny, glass houses.

Susan thrusts her cheek forward. Dennis reluctantly gives her a kiss.

Whew! You’re ripe. You could make Right Guard turn left and Speed Stick slow down.

DENNIS
I know. I was just about to head into the shower.

SUSAN
pointing to the wall

Was this always there?

DENNIS
Was what always there?

SUSAN
This wall, was it always there?

DENNIS
Yes Susan, it was always there.

SUSAN
Well, I don’t remember it.

DENNIS
It was always there. It was always kind of flat like that and held up the building.

SUSAN
making a point of it

I must have forgotten since I haven’t been over in TWO MONTHS!

DENNIS
Please don’t make me feel guilty.

SUSAN
Aw, but that’s why I came over.

DENNIS
Susan, come on.

SUSAN
Fine. I’ll leave the guilt tripping to mom.

DENNIS
Well, she is the guilt trip jedi master.

SUSAN
twirling

Aren’t you going to say anything?

DENNIS
About what?

SUSAN
About my new outfit. What do you think?

DENNIS
You look like Patty Hearst.

SUSAN
I know. It’s what they call “hostage chic.”

DENNIS
Or Monica Lewinsky.

SUSAN
Remind me again, which Menendez brother are you?

DENNIS
Lyle. He’s hotter and less homicidal.

SUSAN
You stink.

DENNIS
Sorry, I calls em like I sees em.

SUSAN
No, I mean you literally stink. You reek. You should get cleaned up.

DENNIS
I told you I was going to.

SUSAN
Take a whore’s bath. Our reservation is at eight.

DENNIS
You’re always so classy.

SUSAN
If you want classy, go talk to Martha Stewart.

imitating Martha

That would be a good thing.