Mozart on Broadway by Bob Engle
ACT ONE
Scene 1
Afterlife: The scene begins with piano music. The curtain opens after nineteen
bars of the andante cantabile from Mozart's Sonata in A Minor with Ludwig Van
Beethoven on stage, enjoying the music
Mozart, is playing the piano offstage
After another thirteen bars, Mozart bangs the keyboard
BEETHOVEN: Not again, Mozart! That temper is going to get you in
trouble.
MOZART: ( Entering s.l.) I don't care, Beethoven! I'm bored to
death! (Beethoven gives him a look.) Well, "bored" anyway! Am I
not a genius?
BEETHOVEN: That's what you keep telling me.
MOZART: Well, you know it's true!
BEETHOVEN: I know of only one other.
MOZART: WHO?
BEETHOVEN: Modesty won't permit me to answer that.
MOZART: (Incredulously) You? Pardon! I seem to recall that it took
forty pages of your
sketchbook for you to come up with four notes! (Simulates playing
piano with one finger, dah, dah, dah, DAH!) And three of them are the
same!
BEETHOVEN: Well, I hear they're still quite popular on Earth.
MOZART: That's not the point, Beethoven!
BEETHOVEN: I think I've forgotten the point.
MOZART: The point iseighteenth century music is wonderful music,
but wouldn't it have been great to get out of the eighteenth
century?
BEETHOVEN: I got out of the eighteenth century, Mozart. You might
have made it, too, if you hadn't eaten those rotten pork chops!
MOZART: It wasn't the pork chops!!
BEETHOVEN: Oh, how do you know it wasn't?
MOZART: I guess I would have known if a pork chop was rotten!
BEETHOVEN: Well, it sure wasn't anything Salieri did! Poor sap
spends most of his
time saying" I didn't do anything!" We both know the man
didn't have enough imagination to try something like that. Why
don't you tell him you know he's innocent?
MOZART: No, I never quite trusted him. Anyway, I'm not sure he was
so innocent. But, we digress again! Let's get back to the
subject!
BEETHOVEN: I seem to have forgotten it again.
MOZART: Beethoven, how on earth did you write so much music? You
have absolutely no memory.
BEETHOVEN: I'll let you in on a little secret, Mozart. I don't
remember a lot of the music I wrote. How could I? I never heard it.
MOZART: It's just as well.
BEETHOVEN: What was that? 1
MOZART: Uh, (pause, then loudly), I said your music sure is swell!
BEETHOVEN: (To audience) I must be losing my hearing again, I was
sure he said something else.
SCHUBERT: (Enters s.r. singing his song, DIE FORELLE)
A STREAMLET CLEAR AND SUNNY, WITH RIPPLES ALL ABOUT,
WAS ONCE THE BATH FOR BONNY, FOR GENTLE LITTLE TROUT.
ON SHORE I STOOD A-WATCHING WITH WONDEROUS DELIGHT,
THE HAPPY LITTLE CREATURE, IT WAS A PRETTY SIGHT.
THE HAPPY LIT.
MOZART: (Breaking in) Franz, don't you ever get tired of singing
those same songs over and over?
SCHUBERT: No, Wolfgang, not that I've noticed. (Starts singing,
again )
MOZART: Franz, ENOUGH! (Schubert is shocked)
BEETHOVEN: Don't pay any attention to him, Schubert. He's in one
of his "genius" moods. Still upset because he didn't make it
out of the eighteenth century.
SCHUBERT: You shouldn't feel too bad about that, Wolfgang. A lot
of people were done in by pork chops.
MOZART: (Irritatingly) It wasn't the pork chops!! You've been
listening to Beethoven!
SCHUBERT: No, I think I read it in the "Afterlife Times".
(Pauses, then thoughtfully).
No, now that I rethink it, I believe Signore Salieri told me that.
MOZART: AHA! Trying to divert suspicion! I knew it was him!
BEETHOVEN: I give up! Mozart, you're hopeless!
SCHUBERT: Wolfgang, if you're bored, why don't you visit Earth?
MOZART: What?
SCHUBERT: I said: (Loudly) WHY-DON'T-YOU-VISIT-EARTH?
MOZART: Why are you yelling? (Points to Beethoven) He's the one
who's deaf!
SCHUBERT: Oh. Sorry. Well, you've been here two hundred years, so
you can go back to Earth for a visit. Didn't you know that?
MOZART: No, I didn't. Anyone who has been here two hundred years
can do it?
SCHUBERT: Well, I think there are some other conditions, but I'm
not sure what they are.
MOZART: How can we find out?
BEETHOVEN: Yes, how?
MOZART: Don't get excited, Beethoven. You haven't been here two
hundred years, remember? Too bad you lived so long.
BEETHOVER: I wouldn't be so smug, Mozart. You don't know what
the other conditions might be.
SCHUBERT: We can look it up in THE GUIDE, if you'd like.
MOZART: Franz, I always knew you had more than music upstairs.
Let's do it! (Pauses) Uh, how do we do that?
BEETHOVEN: Ha! And you, Mozart, have nothing upstairs except music!
SCHUBERT: It's easy. Watch. (reaches up with his right hand)
"THE GUIDE, please.
(Pulls hand down, gives the appearance of clutching something in it.)
MOZART: (Looking at Schubert's hand, quizzically) I don't see
anything. 2
SCHUBERT: It's personalized, for security reasons, no one can see
it but me. We've come a long way since Moses on the mountain.
MOZART: Oh.
SCHUBERT: (Does imaginary keying) Okay, let's key in "Visits to
Earth." (Pause) "Eligibility." (As if reading) Two hundred
years in Afterlife. That's a yes. Next? (Pause) Hmmm.
(Pauses).
MOZART: What? What's wrong?
SCHUBERT: (Hesitatingly) Uh, nothing.
MOZART: Well, why are you hesitating?
SCHUBERT: Wolfgang, what do you know about your descendants?
MOZART: My descendants?
SCHUBERT: Yes.
MOZART: Well, I know I probably have some. Why?
SCHUBERT: The thing is, in order to visit Earth, you must have a
responsible descendant and agree to be accountable to that person
while you are there.
BEETHOVEN: That let's you out, Mozart! I can't imagine you
agreeing to be accountable to anyone.
MOZART: Beethoven, why don't you work in your sketchbook? Maybe
you can come up with four more notes. Franz, does it say any more
about this descendant?
SCHUBERT: Let's see. (Goes back to keying) "Descendant
profile. (Pause, then reading) To qualify as a responsible
descendant, the person must have intellectual or artistic ability
comparable to that of the spirit."
MOZART: It shouldn't be hard to find one of my descendants that
would qualify. Probably, all of them are artistic "and"
intellectual.
BEETHOVEN: Yes, but are you willing to call any of them your equal?
SCHUBERT: That may not be necessary, Herr Beethoven. If it's
someone musical, that person probably would not have to be considered
a genius comparable to Wolfgang, because they are two hundred years
apart. As long as music is their profession, I believe they would
qualify.
MOZART: How do we find this individual? With billions of people in
the world, isn't it going to be like looking for a needle in a
haystack?
BEETHOVEN: Mozart! I'm blown away by this display of modesty!
SCHUBERT: First, let's find out who is considered a descendant.
(Goes to keying again) "Descendant defined. (Pause, then reading).
A descendant is a person whose lineage comes from the spirit or his
or her siblings". Wolfgang, that means a descendant of yours or
your sister, Marianne. You both had a number of children, so there
should be an excellent chance of finding a qualified individual.
MOZART: Well, get on with it then!
SCHUBERT: Be patient, Wolfgang.
BEETHOVEN: Patience is not one of his strong points, Schubert.
MOZART: Beethoven, why don't you make another attempt at writing an
opera? That should keep you busy until you can go for a visit in
"2027". Go on, Franz.
SCHUBERT: Okay, lets search the genealogy records. (Keys)
"Genealogy. (Pause) Mozart, Wolfgang, and Mozart, Marianne,
current descendants." (Pause) That many? 3
MOZART: How many?
SCHUBERT: Hundreds. Well, let's find out who has music as their
profession. (Goes
back to keying and pauses) Wolfgang! There's only one!
MOZART: (Incredulously) One? There must be some mistake!
SCHUBERT: No, there's no possibility for a mistake in this system,
it's not permitted.
MOZART: Who is it?
SCHUBERT: Actually, it's a descendant of Marianne's. Your
nephew, about ten times removed. His name is Jeremy Harper.
MOZART: What other information is there about him? How many operas
has he written?
SCHUBERT: Let's see. (Checks) Hmm, well matter of fact, none.
MOZART: (Again, incredulously) None? None? Well, he must be a
virtuoso then!
SCHUBERT: No, it seems that he writes music for Broadway.
MOZART: Broadway? What is that?
BEETHOVEN: Mozart, if you read anything but pages with notes on them,
you'd know that Broadway is a street in New York City.
SCHUBERT: That's right, Wolfgang. And, a composer working on
Broadway is engaged in what is called musical theater.
MOZART: Well, opera is musical theater! So, why isn't he writing
operas?
SCHUBERT: I don't know, Wolfgang, that's all the information
provided.
MOZART: So, if I want to visit Earth, I must go to this New York and
agree to be accountable to this nephew of mine, ten times removed, who
apparently knows nothing about opera, and also is probably ten times
my inferior in music?
BEETHOVEN: Mozart, your massive ego is showing again. For all you
know, which in this case is very little, your nephew, may heaven help
him, could be writing music just as important as opera.
MOZART: Ha! You only say that, Beethoven, because of your track
record in writing opera. If Broadway is so important, maybe I'll
write some while I'm there!
BEETHOVEN: Oh no, you're not allowed to write any more music.
You're stuck with what you wrote when you were alive.
MOZART: Then, maybe I'll adapt some of what I wrote to this
Broadway.
BEETHOVEN: Nope, won't work. You'd still be creating.
MOZART: (Thinking) There's got to be a way around this.
SCHUBERT: Wolfgang, if you could convince "your nephew" to use
"your music".
MOZART: Of course! That would work! Lead him down the path I want
him to go and let him think he's the genius!
BEETHOVEN: It won't work, Mozart.
MOZART: Will, too!
BEETHOVEN: Will not!
MOZART: Will, too!
BEETHOVEN: Will not!
MOZART: Will, too!
BEETHOVEN: Will not!
SCHUBERT: Hold it! You won't settle anything that
way. 4
MOZART: Well, what do you suggest?
SCHUBERT: (Points to audience) Why don't you let them decide?
MOZART: (He and Beethoven peer out at audience) Them?
BEETHOVEN: Why should we do that?
SCHUBERT: Well, obviously, they're here because they have great
admiration for both of you. So, they must be pretty smart.
MOZART AND BEETHOVEN: (Together) That's true! (Adlibbing
recommended here about audience intelligence) We can live with that,
they can decide who's right!
(Song: WE SHALL SEE—- Characters address the audience.)
Mozart: WE'RE SO GLAD THAT YOU CAME,
AMADEUS IS MY NAME.
CHANCES ARE YOU WON'T SEE
(A)NOTHER MUSICAL AS ME.
I WAS BLESSED, (A)BOVE THE REST,
I'VE THE RAREST KIND OF TALENT.
I CAN WRITE WHAT I'VE A MIND TO,
IT COMES SO EASILY.
BEETHOVEN : (Beethoven shaking his head "no" to audience.)
You'll have to forgive
him, he's been out of touch for a while.
Mozart: WELL I CAN!
Beethoven: USED TO BE!
Schubert: MAYBE, (HE)STILL CAN.
Beethoven: WE SHALL SEE.
Mozart: HE KNOWS ME, I'M THE SAME!
HE KNOWS MUSIC IS MY GAME!
WHEN HE SAYS "USED TO BE",
IT'S JUST MEANT TO TORMENT ME.
SHARPS ARE SHARPS, FLATS ARE FLATS,
MAKES NO DIFFERENCE WHERE WE FIND THEM.
WHEN IT'S TIME FOR A CADENZA,
I CAN, IN ANY KEY!
BEETHOVEN: (Another "no" from Beethoven to audience.) See what I
mean? Poor fellow, he tends to have these delusions.
Mozart: BUT IT'S TRUE!
Beethoven: FANTASY!
Schubert: COULD BE IT'STRUE.
Beethoven: WE SHALL SEE.
HE WILL FIND THAT TIMES HAVE CHANGED!
Mozart: MUSIC'S MUSIC JUST THE SAME!
Beethoven: (Points to audience) THEY MAY DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.
Mozart: HOW MUCH DIFFERENT CAN IT BE?
Beethoven: COULD BE LOTS HE WILL NOT KNOW.
Mozart: I WILL GET IT, I'M A PRO!
Beethoven: THEN WAS THEN, NOW IS NOW, 5
CHANCES ARE, HE WON'T KNOW HOW!
Mozart: BET I WILL!
Beethoven: NOT LIKELY!
Schubert: MAYBE HE WILL!
Beethoven: WE SHALL SEE.
Mozart: KEEP THE FAITH! IT'S A CINCH!
DON'T EVER LISTEN TO A GRINCH!
FOR IT'S TRUE, IT'S NO LIE!
I'M A VERY SPECIAL GUY!
DIDN'T I, MAN ALIVE,
TAKE IT TO THE HIGHEST LEVEL?
WHEN IT COMES TO MAKING MUSIC,
I CAN GO LIKE THE DEVIL! (Rumbling of thunder)
(Spoken very apologetically) Oops! Sorry.
(Beethoven looks at him and shakes his head with some disgust.)
BEETHOVEN: Do you actually believe what you're saying?
Mozart: YES I DO!
Beethoven: FIDDLE DEE DEE!
Schubert: WHAT IF IT'S TRUE?
Beethoven: THEN, WE'LL SEE.
Mozart: (Operatically) I WILL DO WHAT I DO BEST!
Beethoven: OH MY WORD, HE SURELY JESTS!
Mozart: (Again, broadly) BROADWAY'S JUST ANOTHER SHOW!
Beethoven: DONE THAT WAY, NO ONE WILL GO!
Mozart: (And again) HE'S JUST JEALOUS AS CAN BE!
Beethoven: CALLING IT THE WAY I SEE.
Mozart: (Once more)IT'S IN THE BAG! I CAN'T FAIL!
IT WILL MAKE A GREAT, GREAT TALE!
BEETHOVEN: Are you kidding? ( Pointing to audience) They're not
going to
buy any of that nonsense!
Mozart: YES THEY WILL! (All operatically to end)
Beethoven: NOT LIKELY!
Schubert: MAYBE THEY WILL!
All three: (They look out at audience and at each other,
then) Well, WE SHALL SEE!
(End)
MOZART: Ok, Franz, how do I get permission to go?
SCHUBERT: All you have to do is ask, Wolfgang. But, before you do,
there are a few things you need to know.
MOZART: (Impatiently) Well, what are they?
SCHUBERT: First, you are not to reveal your presence to anyone other
than your nephew.
MOZART: Okay. What else? 6
SCHUBERT: Secondly, you must not in any way interfere in his romantic
relationships with the opposite sex.
MOZART: Suppose he needs help with them? (Schubert shakes his head
"no".) Oh, alright. Anything else?
SCHUBERT: Yes, you need to know that someone here will be appointed
to monitor your behavior on Earth, and if you violate the rules, that
spirit must report it.
MOZART: Who is this spy?
SCHUBERT: I don't know. The selection will be made after you
leave.
MOZART: Is that it?
SCHUBERT: (Checks) Yes.
MOZART: Well, what do I do now?
SCHUBERT: Ask for permission to go. Do you want to do it now?
MOZART: Of course! Here goes! I, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, would
like to visit my nephew, Jeremy Harper, in New York City. (He
disappears)
BEETHOVEN: He's gone! Heaven help Jeremy Harper and New York City!
(A brilliant spotlight comes on Beethoven and he seems entranced.)
Yes? (Pause) Of course. You can count on me. (Light goes out and he
starts laughing.) He's going to love this!
SCHUBERT: What is it, Herr Beethoven?
BEETHOVEN: Guess who's going to be keeping an eye on him. (Laughter
as lights fade to brownout.)
End ACT 1, Scene 1
[end of extract]