Murder on the High Seas by Josh Nichols

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

JUDGE: (offstage) Where are ya my sweet! Are ye ready for my verdict! I’ve a surprising punishment!

SALLY is embarrassed and reacts nervously to the AUDIENCE as JUDGE continues to speak.

JUDGE: (as he enters) Who wants to be tickled! (JUDGE bursts into the room with a feather duster instead of a hook. He notices the AUDIENCE and quickly tries to cover his actions). Oh what a filthy room! (begins dusting anything in reach and coughing). It’s hard to find good help these days.

SALLY: Oh my! Please forgive me Judge. I must have forgotten to clean there!.

JUDGE: (playing along) Well don’t let it happen again! I’m not paying ye for nuttin! (being flirtatious) Lest ye want to be flogged.

SALLY: (trying to shut him up) Noooo!!!

JUDGE: (tries to be inconspicuous) Have it yer way wench!

JUDGE turns to leave and SALLY is relieved. JUDGE turns back before exiting.

JUDGE: (pathetically) Not event a quick flog?

SALLY: Noooo!!!

JUDGE exits followed by Sally. Murmuring is heard offstage. PETE opens the door to allow BUTCHER to enter. PETE speaks offstage to an unknown person. BUTCHER never speaks but rather just stares or grunts in reaction to any line.

PETE: (while entering) My client has rights you know?! We haven’t had a moment to speak and the trial is about to start. Okay, let’s get down to it mister… (flipping through files) mister, mister… what is your last name? All I have down here is Butcher? Is that supposed to be Butch?

BUTCHER just stares at him.

PETE: Your last name?...(slow as though he is taking to an idiot) The…. name... that... comes... after... your…first….name? Commonly known as your last name.

BUTCHER walks over menacingly. PETE cowers a bit and then quickly adds some distance between them.

PETE: Great! I have no time to prepare… a nutjob who doesn’t know his own name… and if I don’t win this case I’ll probably be fired. Just because I’m a good lawyer who won’t be bought, I get sent off to this hell hole. I don’t know anything about maritime law! (directs himself back to BUTCHER). Okay look, I’m trying to help you here but I really need to win this. Please... help me... help you!

BUTCHER approaches him. PETE is a bit guarded unsure if he will be attacked. BUTCHER stops gives his version of a smirk and then burps/farts loudly. He turns away and distances himself.

PETE: Great.. No help from you… (frantically looking through the case files). Okay okay… we can do this… charges, charges, what are the charges…. (looking at file and near the bottom of a page) ah here! Okay, the defendant is hereby charged with littering. Littering?! This is kids stuff! (runs over and hugs the defendant) Littering! They have you shackled up like some sort of madman and you’re charged with littering (turns page) the dismembered bodies of an unknown number of victims in the high seas (becomes more somber as he reads)... dozens of body parts were collected by locals while countless more sank to the bottom of the sea. The ocean ran red for days after the High Seas Butcher had his rampage.

PETE looks at BUTCHER who just glares at him. PETE backs away slowly.

PETE: Well at least that clears up the name thing… last name “Butcher,” first name “the High Seas.”(trying to stay positive) Well, it could have been someone else… I mean… how do they know it was you. I’m sure there’s something in here that can help. Let's go see what evidence they have on file. We can talk strategy (realizing)... I mean... I can talk strategy while you stare in my general direction.

PETE and BUTCHER exit. At the same time the WALLY enters yelling followed by SQUAWKS.

WALLY: Be gone ya stupid bird!

SQUAWKS: (makes random squawking sounds occasionally and mimics a parrot’s vocal pattern) He can help! He can help! (squawk)!

WALLY: Listen SQUAWKS! I don’t need your help! You are just a dumb parrot and I can handle the Butcher by me own self. I’m going to lock up that madman! He’s even more crazy than you ya bird brain!

SALLY enters.

SQUAWKS: Kiss my (squawk)!

SALLY: Squawks where have you been? I’ve been looking everywhere.

SQUAWKS: (squawk) Here he is! Here he is! He’s a pretty bird! (squawk)

SALLY: (sincerely and cheerful) Yes you are a pretty bird but you need to go eat something before the trial begins the judge has seeds for you in his chamber!

SQUAWKS: (squawking and flapping wings) He loves seeds! Thank you pretty lady, thank you pretty lady! (exits).

WALLY: Yea get out of here you loon!

SALLY: Don’t call him that!

WALLY: What?! That’s what he is! A loon!

SALLY: He’s not a loon!

WALLY: Oh wells pardon me my lady, I guess your right, he technically isn’t a loon, he’s a breed of macaw, the rare batshit variety!

SALLY: (approaches upset) You leave him alone or I’ll cut you from navel to nose! Sure, he’s a little slow but that don’t mean you need to call him names.

WALLY: He thinks he’s a parrot! (imitates) I’m a loon (squawk) I’m a loon (squawk).

SALLY: Oh yea! Well I think you are an ASS! (starts to exit)

WALLY: (brays like a donkey) Eee-aaaah! (laughs) Hey listen, I was only kidding. Why don’t we kiss and make up?

SALLY: Ha! In your dreams!

WALLY: Come on! You know I’ve always fancied ya! I knows how to treat a wench. You may be a sassy minx but you are quite the looker!

SALLY: You’re a pig.

WALLY: From an ass to a pig… me thinks I’m growing on ya. What’ya say we go back to my quarters and I’ll show you the meaning of all hands on deck!

SALLY: You couldn’t pay me to sleep with you!

WALLY: Well that’s not what I heard. Does the ol Judge pay in doubloons or did you open up a line of credit for him.

SALLY: I’m going to kill you!

SALLY chases WALLY out and follows him. Just then PETE enters trying to wrap his head around the case.

PETE: They have no evidence against him! Well, that I know of… it’s not like I’ve had more than 5 seconds to look over this stupid case but who cares... innocent until proven guilty right?! I’m gonna lose…. I’m gonna lose… and then get disbarred and then I’ll lose my house and car and all my worldly possessions but fear not! I’ll become a fry cook at the local greasy spoon and that’ll last until I screw things up like I did here and then I’ll be homeless and hungry but look at the bright side, it couldn’t get worse than that!

Just then SALLY enters yelling thinking she is still chasing WALLY.

SALLY: (while entering) You filthy pig, I’ll kill you!

PETE lets out a yelp and does karate hands as SALLY approaches.

SALLY: (nervously laughter) Hello! I’m Sally… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to … that is to say you’re a very clean pig… not a pig! A man, a handsome man, just a regular man! Just a regular normal average everyday man.

PETE: Thank you?

SALLY: Sorry I thought you were someone else. I was chasing someone…

PETE: That you wanted to kill?

SALLY: Yes. No! I didn’t want to kill him, I mean I’m repulsed by him. He’s a filthy pig.

PETE: (jokingly) I believe you’ve mentioned that.

SALLY: I’m an idiot.

PETE: I don’t think you’re an idiot… (jokingly) a psycho killer… maybe? Oh don’t me wrong, you’re an adorable psycho killer. But…

SALLY: (giggly) Oh stop it! Can we start over?

PETE: I would love nothing more.

SALLY: Hello, I’m Sally

PETE: Hello, I’m Pete.

SALLY: Not to sound crazy again but you are very clean… (circles him doing a visual inspection), no dirt or grime, groomed hair, your clothes are well intact. Do you have all of your teeth. (approaches him to check)

Both are caught in a slightly awkward meet-cute embrace.

SALLY: It’s good to meet you Pete…

WALLY bursts in.

WALLY: Well well well…

SALLY and PETE quickly back away from each other.

WALLY: You must be the fancy schmancy defense attorney for this case! I be your competition… Wally Quills. (extends hand for a shake but pulls away) Are you ready to lose?

PETE: I have nothing to say to you.

SALLY: Wait… you’re the defense!?

WALLY: Oh is the little baby scared!? (baby talk) Is the witty bitty baby scared?!

PETE ignores him.

WALLY: (makes baby crying noises) I want my mommy cuz I’m a wittle baby!

PETE ignores him. Meanwhile, the BAILIFF has entered with the BUTCHER. SALLY scurries out. BAILIFF says very flirtatious things to PETE but in a stern almost scary way.

BAILIFF: (speaking to PETE) Excuse me hot buns... did you happen to lose something?

PETE: Yes, thank you, my next stop was the lost and found! (laughs)

BAILIFF: (just stares)

PETE: I was just…. Thank you for bringing him back.

BAILIFF: (continues to stare).

PETE: (referencing BUTCHER and BAILIFF) Are you two related? Both pretty quiet…

BAILIFF: Mmmmm mmm mmmmm, aren’t you just a yippy little thing. And you ain’t missing no teeth either...mmmmm mmmm mmmmm.

PETE: (confused) Missing any teeth? Is that like… a pretty big deal around here? Not the first time I’ve heard that today.

BAILIFF: I don’t need all my chompers to eat you up and spit you out little man.

PETE: Okie Dokie…

PETE goes to BUTCHER and escorts him to his seat.

BAILIFF: Settle down! Now listen up and listen good. This court is in order, now give a hearty HUZZAH for the dis-honorable Judge Handy!

Judge enters. If the audience does not participate in the HUZZAH the Bailiff/Judge can ad lib to get them involved. Ex. Judge “Bailiff, am in the right courtroom?! When he says HUZZAH you better HUZZAH!”

JUDGE: Worms and scallywags, let’s begin with a round of grog for the lot of ye!

BAILIFF: Huzzah! (encourages audience to join in)

SALLY enters with drinks for the group and begins to serve them. Pirate themed music will play and the cast will ad lib various lines until the drinks are served. With the exception of PETE and BUTCHER, everyone should be loud and enjoying the drinks and encouraging the audience to have fun as well. Throughout the scene SALLY will collect the used glasses.

JUDGE: Enough with the pleasantries, The High Seas Butcher is charged with the most heinous of crimes. Signal yer verdict with a thumbs down for lifelong imprisonment and a thumbs up for death by walking the plank!

BAILIFF signals to the audience to give a thumbs up or thumbs down. WALLY can encourage as well.

PETE: Woah woah! Hold it! What’s going on?!

JUDGE: Who’s this bilge-sucking swine?

PETE: Your Honor, I’m the public defender for The High Sea… That is… Mister…Butcher. I’m here to defend my client and to prove his innocence!

JUDGE: (pause)... Nope. (to audience) What say ye, thumbs up or down?

PETE: I must insist that we give this man his day in court.

JUDGE: (mockingly)... “I must insist that we give him his day in court”. There HIM is, we are in court, it is a day! Happy? (to audience) Thumbs up or down?

PETE: (throwing a mini tantrum) Would you shut up and do your damned job!?

Room goes silent. PETE realizes what he has said.

BAILIFF: Mmmmm mmmm mmm, when you gonna put me in my place stud?

PETE: What I meant to say is that I would simply like to present a case so that the jury of… (referencing audience) a large, loud and random assortment of …. peers… can make an informed decision.

JUDGE: (begrudgingly) Alright! If you “insist” on a trial than so be it but if you don’t make it quick you might walk the plank as well! (Judge pauses a moment waiting) Well? On with it!

PETE: Your Honor typically the prosecution gives an opening statement.

JUDGE: (irate) Are ye telling me how to do me job?! I said ON WITH IT!

PETE: May it please the court!... my client may have had a past … I say may because I’m not entirely sure... but that does not make him guilty of this crime. What may be more egregious than the alleged crimes is his treatment by the authorities and this court. The defendant was not mirandized, he was given limited time to meet with his public defender to prepare for this case and has yet to be provided with a presumption of innocence. During this trial the defense will show you that though the book may have a rough cover the story inside is that of a gentle man wronged by the system. The lack of evidence in this case will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that my client should be set free from the chains that bind him. Don’t listen to your heart but listen to the voice of justice that is screaming a song of innocence for my client. Thank you.

JUDGE: Well, that was something. Wally, your up.

WALLY: Judge, what was that jibber jabber? This landlubber ain’t not hardly even making any no sense… aaaaaand WHO be Miranda?