Never Mind George by William Griggs
ACT I
Scene I
DR. LANGLEY's Office. There is a chair for the doctor and a couch
(or chair) for the patient, down right. Between the couch and the
chair is a small coffee table. A speaker phone, timer and an open box
of tissues sits on this table. The wall behind LANGLEY'S chair is
cluttered with such items as his diplomas from kindergarten through
Yale, a frame containing his "first dollar" and various pictures
of phallic symbols, such as the empire state building and the Eiffel
Tower.
LANGLEY is meticulously dressed in khakis, a white shirt, red- and
white-checked bow tie, cardigan sweater and navy blue blazer. GEORGE
is LANGLEY'S favorite patient, primarily because he has remained his
patient for three years. He feels comfortable with GEORGE, but he
suffers from nearly every neurosis he has ever treated. While working
with GEORGE, he displays occasional, but subtle, tics and a stutter.
The tics and stutter get progressively worse in future scenes.
GEORGE is wearing black dress slacks, a light blue shirt and tie, his
usual garb as co-owner of Solomon Shoes. He has been suffering the
effects of not being "with" a woman for several years. Although
not noticeable in this scene, he suffers from hysterical paralysis in
his left leg. Three years of therapy has not helped in the least. He
still grieves over his divorce and has progressed to a state of
hopelessness. At lights up, we find DR. LANGLEY taking notes as GEORGE
tries to relate a recurrent dream.
LANGLEY
Now, George, before time is up, I'd like you to tell me about this
dream.
GEORGE
Oh, the dream, yes, the dream. Well, in this dream I'm in this tent,
a really big tent.
LANGLEY
So, in this dream you went camping?
GEORGE
No. It was a circus tent. I mean, at first I didn't realize it was a
circus tent, but it was. And I'm not just at the circus watching,
I'm in the circus. I'm actually a circus attraction. I joined a
circus. How the hell does that happen?
LANGLEY
I don't know George. But what I need to na-na-know, and this is very
important, were you the only circus attraction? Were there other, uh,
other people there with you, working with you?
GEORGE
Nuns.
LANGLEY
N-Nahh-Nuns?
GEORGE
The whole circus. Run by nuns.
LANGLEY
Interesting.
GEORGE
Nuns riding elephants, nuns with dancing bears, clown nuns, the whole
operation, nuns. There was even a nun lion tamer. What a sight! Nuns
everywhere!
LANGLEY
Hmm. And how did you feel at this point. Were you afraid of the
n-nahh-nuns?
GEORGE
No, not at all. I was happy. The nuns seemed happy to see me, too,
always smiling at me, and I smiled back of course. Happy. Very happy.
LANGLEY
And you're job at the circus?
GEORGE
The trapeze. I was the man on the flying trapeze. The only man, for
that matter. But, I must say, the nun on the trapeze opposite mine was
quite the athlete. And you would think the habit she wore would slow
her down, but no sir. She did triple summersaults that were out of
this world.
LANGLEY
No kidding! Ahem. I mean, she was that good, heh? And you? Did you
actually swing on the trapeze?
GEORGE
Oh yes, indeed, I did. In fact, that's all I could do was swing back
and forth. Back and forth, back and forth. . .
LANGLEY
Did you find this comforting George?
GEORGE
What?
LANGLEY
The swinging back and forth. In the dream, was it comforting to you?
GEORGE
Well, in a way, yes, but in a way, no. You see, I still felt this
overwhelming happiness, like I felt safe, or something. But I knew,
sooner or later, I wasn't going to be able to hang on to that
trapeze. I knew I was going to fall.
LANGLEY
Was there a net?
GEORGE
No net Nuns!
LANGLEY
You mean the na-nuns were the net? Hmm. Interesting (taking a note).
And these na-nuns-the ones waiting to catch you-were you afraid to
fall into their waiting arms?
GEORGE
Hell no, Doc. I was counting on those nuns. They were my only hope. I
mean, if it weren't for them God knows what would have happened.
LANGLEY
Well, did you fall-in the dream-did you fall into the arms of the
na-nuns?
GEORGE
Well, not exactly. You see the dream ended about that time. The last
thing that happened in the dream was me falling. And I was screaming
with joy, "I don't need a net! I don't need a net!"
LANGLEY
Hmm. Interesting. Interesting.
GEORGE
But what did all that mean, Doc?
(A buzzer sounds)
LANGLEY
Well, George, it means you're making progress.
GEORGE
(Incredulously)
I am?
LANGLEY
Of course you are George.
GEORGE
(Still incredulously)
Progress?
BLACKOUT
Scene II
A few days later
Scene: GEORGE's living/dining room. It is modestly decorated down
stage center with a sofa, a noticeably worn comfy chair and coffee
table, and at left with a dining table set for four. Upstage Left is a
landing leading to the front door. Although not seen, the kitchen is
noticeably off down left, where GEORGE is preparing this evening's
meal for brother PAUL, his sister-in-law LINDA and his yet-to-arrive
blind date Sylvia. A door leading to a bedroom is seen downstage
right. At lights up, PAUL, dressed in suit and tie, is entering from
the kitchen holding a scotch and water in his hand. LINDA, dressed in
a classy skirt and a buttoned-down top, is seated on the sofa.
PAUL has reached middle age as most men have: signs of gray and a
slightly protruding belly.
LINDA, on the other hand, has kept her girlish figure over the years.
They are both noticeably nervous about tonight's agenda.
PAUL
It's looking good George, very good. You know how much I love your
tuna casserole.
(To LINDA)
It's been a year since he's had us for dinner, and what does he serve?
Tuna Casserole. They don't even serve that in prison.
LINDA
Well. . .what did he say?
PAUL
Huh?
LINDA
What did he say when you told him Sylvia was coming?
PAUL
(He sits next to LINDA, finishes his drink in one gulp and places the
glass on the table.)
He wanted to know how big her breasts were.
LINDA
What!
PAUL
Hey. Don't yell at me. I'm a normal person. George asked about her
boobs, not me. Anyway, don't worry. He won't make a scene about it. .
. I mean them.
LINDA
Are you nuts? Don't you remember Thanksgiving?
PAUL
Yeah, I remember.
LINDA
He kissed my sister's cleavage.
PAUL
I know. I know.
LINDA
She said: 'Hello, George, how are you?' And he kissed her
cleavage.
PAUL
How many times do I have to explain this to you? It was the
medication. It made
him uninhibited.
LINDA
(Mimicking him)
'It was the medication. It made him uninhibited.' (Reaching for
the phone) I'm calling Sylvia.
PAUL
(Stopping her)
What for?
LINDA
Your brother has gone insane, that's what for! You may want to let
George loose
on Sylvia's breasts, but I'd like to keep my job. (Reaching for
the phone again) I told you this was a lousy idea.
PAUL
(Stopping her again)
This is not a lousy idea. It's a desperate idea, and I'm a desperate
man right now.
LINDA
What are you talking about? Why should you be desperate? George is the
desperate one. He's the one who needs his brother to find him a date.
PAUL
You're right. George is a kook. I should know. I'm the one who
spends ten hours
a day in the shoe store with him. Do you have any idea what that's
been like the
past three months—?
LINDA
Three years.
PAUL
What?
LINDA
Three years. He and Brenda split up three years ago last month.
PAUL
I know that. But the last three years were nothing compared to the
last three
months.
LINDA
What's so different about him now? Aside from kissing boobs in public,
I haven't
seen a change.
PAUL
Oh, really? And when was the last time you looked into his eyes?
LINDA
What do you mean? I see him almost every day.
PAUL
I know that. But really, when was the last time he actually looked
straight at
you?
LINDA
Well, come to think of it, he has been a bit stand off-ish lately.
Then, again, I
haven't wanted to get too close to him since Thanksgiving, if you know
what I
mean.
PAUL
Do you know why?
LINDA
Well, Paul, you may take my breasts for granted, but—-
PAUL
Not you, him! Do you have any idea why he can't look you in the eye,
or at any woman for that matter?
LINDA
No, I don't know why. So tell me. Why?
PAUL
I don't know why. Nobody knows why. Not even his doctor knows why, for
sure.
LINDA
Is this the same doctor who prescribed the boob-kissing pills?
PAUL
Very funny. Very funny. Remind me to laugh when we go bankrupt next
month.
LINDA
What do you mean, bankrupt?
PAUL
Don't you understand? George and I sell women's shoes. You can't sell
shoes to women if you can't look at a woman.
LINDA
Wait a minute. Are you telling me that George is. . .you mean. . .Oh
my God!
PAUL
No! No! For God's sakes not that. He just can't look at women. The
doctor says he's progressed into some psychosomatic state.
LINDA
So he's not homosexual.
PAUL
No.
LINDA
He's just a psychopath.
PAUL
Right. . I mean no, he's not a psychopath. Would you for God sakes be
serious?
This is serious.
LINDA
I am serious. My boss is about to arrive for her blind date with a
cleavage-kissing maniac, and our only hope is that he won't look her
in the eyes while he puckers up.
PAUL
I told you not to worry about the boob thing. Anyway, I want him to
look Sylvia in the eyes. It's his only hope. So would you please help
me with this?
LINDA
I don't understand it. I just don't understand. Six months ago we were
going out of our way to keep him from noticing cleavage, and now our
job is to make him look at women? What, is he suddenly afraid of
women? How does that happen?
PAUL
I told you. The doctor said it's a progression of problems George just
has to work through.
LINDA
But what is he so afraid of?
PAUL
His leg.
LINDA
His what?
PAUL
His left leg. It's this psychosomatic thing. For the past three
months, every time
George looks at a woman he loses circulation to his left leg. It just
goes numb.
LINDA
So?
PAUL
So? You mean to tell me that you don't see a problem with that? Your
brother-in-law can't look at a woman without having his left leg go
limp, and you don't think that's a problem?
LINDA
I'm not saying it isn't a problem. I just think we're better off with
looking and limping than (Holding her breasts) cleaving and kissing.
PAUL
You still don't get it, do you?
LINDA
Oh I get it all right. You have a lunatic for a brother. Everybody
gets that Paul.
PAUL
Fine. Everyone agrees that George is a lunatic. Ask any woman who's
come into the store the past few months and she'll tell you:
'There's a lunatic working at Solomon Shoes.' And that's the point
I'm trying to make Linda. Lunatics have a problem selling shoes. Women
have a problem with a man who turns into Quasimodo when they ask him
to fetch a pair of size-eight pumpsI'm telling you Linda, unless
we do something about him soon, there will be no more
Solomon Shoes. Because if he doesn't get well, one of two things is
going to happen: either we're going to go bankrupt or I'm going to
kill himThe whole situation is driving me nuts.
LINDA
All right. All right. Calm down already. I see your point.
PAUL
Good.
LINDA
But what if Sylvia doesn't like him?
PAUL
That's where you come in.
LINDA
Me?
PAUL
Yes, you. You have got to make her like him.
LINDA
What?
PAUL
Come on, Linda. It won't be that hard. You know Sylvia. She's the
champion of the lost cause, isn't she? She's always the first in line
to feed the homeless. Her house is like a zoo. Every stray animal
between here and Chicago has bunked at Sylvia's place. So what's the
problem?
LINDA
Oh, I see. You think that since Sylvia will occasionally feed a sick
cat, she'll just fall head-over-heels in love with George. You know,
Paul, you are going nuts. I think we should just forget about George
and Sylvia and the shoe store and concentrate on you. (Taking PAUL by
the arm and patting him on the back) Does your medical insurance cover
insane asylums? Because that's where you should be eating your dinner
tonight. Don't worry about me. I'll be busy bailing George out of
jail—
PAUL
(Releasing himself from her)
Stop it! Just stop it, would you? And, please, go along with me on
this. . .Please (On his knees now) I'm begging you.
LINDA
(A few beats)
Fine. I'll do it. But what makes you think this is going to work?
PAUL
Well, the doctor said what George needs is some reassurance about
normal relationships. He says all of this stuff—the depression, the
obsession with boobs, the limp—all of it has grown out of the five
years without Brenda.
LINDA
Three years.
PAUL
What?
LINDA
I just told you. George and Brenda split up three years ago last
month.
PAUL
I know that. But two years before she left him, she stopped having sex
with him. That makes five years without Brenda, I mean sex, I mean, well
anyway—
LINDA
Hold on. Wait right there. Are you telling me that Brenda refused to
have sex with George for two years before he finally decided to
divorce her? He went for two years without—