1 Obolus for the Boatman by Richard Heagy
Cast Size: Male 10, Female 1
CRASSUS, Industrial CEO
LATIFUNDIUS, Real estate CEO
DENARIUS, Banking CEO
STERCULINUS, a lawyer
PETRONIUS, a blind accountant
ROBIGUS, Communications CEO of acquired company
BOETHIUS, former downsized employee
DIOGENES, Greek Hippie
LUCIANA, Goddess of questionable business practices
LACKEY, servant on the ship Argos
JUPITER, chief of the gods (off stage)
Setting:
The entire play takes place in ancient times (B.C.) on the ship Argos,
a two-level wooden ship converted to the equivalent of a modern
corporate yacht, as it traverses the Mediterranean Sea, unable to dock
anywhere because of slave revolts, dock strikes, and other
catastrophes.
ACT 1
SCENE 1
(Mediterranean Sea, sometime BC, interior of the ship ARGOS, a
two-level bireme wooden ship with forty rowers on the lower level, the
upper level converted to the equivalent of a modern corporate yacht,
on its way from Alexandria, Egypt to Thessalonica, in Macedonia, with
a stop in Athens)
(Stairs rear right lead to upper deck, stairs rear left to the galley
and lower rowing level. The wooden plank floor is bare, with a small
square marble altar front left and a tall potted plant front right.
There are two low flat couches, covered with colorful padding, each
with striped pillows, one against the back wall in the center and the
other against the left wall in the corner, a small table and two
stools in front of each, the table on the left containing a box of
hand wipes. At the front end of the left couch is an urn which serves
as a waste basket. Center stage is another table with three stools)
(Against the right wall is a marble cupboard, above it open shelves
containing ceramic bowls, containers for wine and water, one silver
goblet, several ceramic cups, and a can of scented Lysol. Adjacent is
a smaller documents cupboard composed of open pigeon holes where
Scrolls are stored. On the left wall is an ancient map of the known
world lands surrounding the Mediterranean Sea. On the right wall
is a large poster advertising the Circus Maximus—with a picture of
a chariot, driver and two horses, and the name of the corporate
sponsor, Domus Apartment Management. Round portholes across the back
wall, previously used for oars on this level, have been plugged up.
Small lamps hang from the walls)
(The LACKEY, old but strong, wearing sandals and dressed in a short,
oatmeal colored cloak or tunic, is busy tidying up, wiping the tables
with a towel, and spraying Lysol in the air)
(CRASSUS, wearing sandals and a long white Roman toga over a white
tunic, enters from the upper deck, carrying three plaques, which he
places on the center table. He watches the LACKEY for a while, then
wipes his finger on the table in front of the left couch to check for
dust, rubs his fingers together, looks at them)
(CRASSUS pulls out a hand wipe from the box on the table, wipes his
hands carefully and tosses the hand wipe in the urn)
LACKEY: I just cleaned the table. You could eat off it, not that you
would.
LACKEY (to himself): Crassus wouldn't eat off anything that wasn't
gold - solid gold - or silver, in a pinch. Got to be clean too; spic
'n span. He's paranoid about cleanliness ... runs in his family, so
they say.
(CRASSUS goes to the document cupboard and pulls out various scrolls,
reads their labels to himself and finally decides what he wants. He
places them on his table and snaps his fingers at the LACKEY)
CRASSUS: Lackey, summon the consultants at once.
LACKEY: Yes, sir.
(The LACKEY starts to climb up the stairway, pauses to comment)
LACKEY (to himself): At once, certainly, the Great Crassus has so
decreed.
CRASSUS: Lackey, stop where you are.
(The LACKEY stops in mid-step as if frozen in time, then turns slowly
toward CRASSUS)
LACKEY: Now what is it?
CRASSUS: Come back here.
LACKEY: You don't want me to fetch the consultants?
CRASSUS: Not yet. I want you to do something first.
LACKEY: Something else first?
CRASSUS: Isn't that what I just said?
LACKEY: Certainly Sir.
CRASSUS: Hang these on the wall over there.
(CRASSUS picks up the three plaques and hands them to the LACKEY and
points to the wall above his sofa. The LACKEY looks the plaques over)
LACKEY: Man of the Year Award from Timeless Magazine, Captain of
Industry Award from the Greater Alexandria Chamber of Commerce ... and
look at this, the Kick Ass Annual Downsizing Award from the Rhodes
Better Business Bureau, three times in a row no less. Very
impressive!
LACKEY (to himself): They don't call him Mr. 25% for nothing. Makes an
acquisition ... cuts the workforce 25% across the board.
(CRASSUS watches as the LACKEY hangs the plaques on the wall)
CRASSUS: Lackey, you may now summon the consultants. Get a move on ...
they're waiting.
LACKEY (to himself): I wonder whose fault that might be?
(The LACKEY exits up the stairs while CRASSUS looks at some of the
scrolls, then places them back on the table and reclines on the sofa.
The LACKEY returns with the two consultants, a lawyer and an
accountant, and announces them after blowing a small horn loudly)
LACKEY: Announcing the consultants, the ones have been kept waiting
topside for some time, the Honorable ...
LACKEY (to himself): Must be a misnomer.
LACKEY: Sterculinus, mouthpiece, and the amazing Petronius, bean
counter with the big six.
LACKEY (to himself): Or is it the big five? I think the government
just put one of them in prison.
(The LACKEY and the lawyer help the accountant down the stairs and
guide him to a seat on one of the stools at the small table in front
of the larger table facing CRASSUS. The accountant, PETRONIUS, is
blind, tall and slender, with white hair, wears an all-black outfit
- suit, bow tie and large hat - except for a white shirt, plus
dark sunglasses. The lawyer, STERCULINUS, named after the Roman God of
manure spreading, is a well-fed, slippery looking character who wears
sandals and a white Roman toga over a white tunic)
LACKEY (to PETRONIUS): Nice outfit.
LACKEY (to himself): Somebody in the family must have died.
PETRONIUS: We in the accounting profession continue to maintain our
professional image in spite of the unfortunate trend toward casual
dress in the other professions these days.
CRASSUS: Gentlemen, good to see you again.
PETRONIUS: Good to see you also.
(PETRONIUS stands, knocking over his stool, steps forward, knocking
over another stool and is grabbed by STERCULINUS before he can fall.
CRASSUS jumps up. Once steady PETRONIUS holds out his hand but CRASSUS
doesn't shake hands. PETRONIUS remains with his hand outstretched
until CRASSUS gives in and shakes hands.
STERCULINUS then grabs CRASSUS' hand and pumps it like a politician)
CRASSUS: Sit down and let's get started. This isn't a pleasure cruise.
We need to get ready for the shareholders' meeting in Atlantis.
(CRASSUS snaps his fingers, pointing to the two overturned stools and
the LACKEY straightens them up)
CRASSUS (to STERCULINUS): You'd better help him.
(STERCULINUS helps PETRONIUS back to his stool and sits on another
stool while CRASSUS cleans his hands on a hand wipe and tosses it
toward the urn but misses. He snaps his fingers and the LACKEY rushes
to stow the hand wipe in the urn, then wipes his hands on his cloak)
LACKEY (to CRASSUS): Were you going to offer these fellows a drink?
CRASSUS (to LACKEY): No!
CRASSUS (to the OTHERS): It's hard to get good help these days. I got
off the ship at Alexandria and when I returned my servant was gone and
this LACKEY was here in his place ... said the servant had died
suddenly and the Captain had hired him ... told him everything he
needed to know.
PETRONIUS: A drink? It's a little too early for me.
CRASSUS: I didn't offer you anything.
PETRONIUS: Right.
CRASSUS: I have the financial statements prepared by us right here. We
just need your signature.
PETRONIUS: Are they accurate?
CRASSUS: Who cares if they're accurate as long as the ratios look good?
PETRONIUS: You acquired several start-up companies last year.
CRASSUS: Yes, to get their technology.
PETRONIUS: How are they doing?
CRASSUS: We fired everybody and closed them down.
PETRONIUS: Didn't work out, huh?
CRASSUS: It worked out fine. We just wanted to lock up their patents.
Can't have anything coming on the market that will threaten our
computer subsidiary. Bright Blue Abacus Computers is number one and we
intend to keep it that way.
LACKEY (to himself): Man loves to stifle innovation.
PETRONIUS: Well, I don't see anything wrong with them. Footnotes
mention any contingent liabilities?
CRASSUS: Not necessary.
(PETRONIUS pulls out a small notebook, opens it and sets it on the
table. STERCULINUS takes out a pen, pulls off the cap and puts it on
the other end of the pen. He hands the pen to PETRONIUS, who takes the
cap off and puts it on the opposite end on the pen and tries to write
a few notes in the notebook)
PETRONIUS: Counselor, any pending or threatened litigation?
(STERCULINUS holds up both hands and crosses his fingers)
STERCULINUS: I do believe that my expeditious handling of all legal
matters on behalf of Glorious Electrical Enterprises and its
subsidiaries precludes ...
PETRONIUS: Yes or no?
STERCULINUS: No!
PETRONIUS: No?
STERCULINUS: Yes.
PETRONIUS: I thought you said no?
STERCULINUS: Yes, I said no.
PETRONIUS: No it is.
(PETRONIUS attempts to write a few more words in his notebook; then
places the notebook inside his toga and the pen on the table)
STERCULINUS (to CRASSUS): If a claim is ever filed, a little bribe
with the court clerk should take care of things.
PETRONIUS: I didn't hear that.
CRASSUS: Let's get the financial statements signed.
PETRONIUS: My usual fee?
CRASSUS: Yes.
PETRONIUS: Twenty denarii, agreed.
CRASSUS: Yes, twenty denarii.
PETRONIUS: Silver coin, mind you ... no bronze asses.
(The sound of thunder booms outside. The occupants of the cabin move
as if thrown about by rough weather outside; then regain their
balance)
PETRONIUS (continuing): The gods must be angry. You didn't offer them
a sacrifice before you asked me to sign the financials.
(All of them sway back and forth a bit. They appear to lose and regain
their balance until the sacrifice to the gods is made)
PETRONIUS (continuing): I'm going to get sick. Hurry up. Haven't you
got something handy?
CRASSUS: All right, all right. It must have slipped my mind.
STERCULINUS (to PETRONIUS): Slipped his mind, my ass. He's a cheap son
of a bitch. Always tries to chisel me on my fees. I don't know how the
gods put up with him.
(CRASSUS snaps his fingers and the LACKEY goes to the marble cupboard,
takes down a jug of wine concentrate and pours some into a bowl. He
takes down a jug of water and shakes it)
LACKEY: We're getting low on water. If we don't get more very soon
you'll have to drink wine concentrate.
(The LACKEY dilutes the wine concentrate with water and places the
bowl on the altar)
STERCULINUS: Don't you think we should taste it first to be sure its
worthy of the gods?
PETRONIUS: Just hurry up and make the damn sacrifice.
CRASSUS: LACKEY, say the offering prayer.
LACKEY: I don't do prayers.
CRASSUS: Counselor, how about you?
STERCULINUS: No problem.
LACKEY (to himself): No doubt he'll add it to his invoice.
(The LACKEY goes up the stairs to the deck)
STERCULINUS: Jupiter Optimus Maximus - Jupiter Best and Greatest -
excuse this oversight by us mere mortals. It won't happen again. You
have the personal guarantee of Crassus. Am I right?
CRASSUS: Yes, yes. Just move it along, will you?
STERCULINUS: As I was saying Jupiter Optimus Maximus, we offer you
this fine wine as a sacrifice and in return ask that you calm the
waters and silence the thunder. We also ask you to silence any trouble
makers at the shareholders' meeting.
(They all hold their hands outward, palms down, until they feel the
turbulence stop, and then drop their hands and sit down)
CRASSUS (to PETRONIUS): Let's continue.
PETRONIUS: Where do I sign?
(CRASSUS unrolls a scroll containing the financial statements and
holds it flat on the table while STERCULINUS takes the cap off the
pen, places the cap on the table and guides the hand of PETRONIUS
while he signs)
CRASSUS: Let's go over the agenda for the shareholders' meeting in
Atlantis.
PETRONIUS: Haven't you forgotten something, Crassus?
CRASSUS: Oh yes, twenty denarii.
(CRASSUS checks inside his toga and pulls out a few small coins and
looks at them)
CRASSUS (continuing): Bronze asses. That'll never do. Counselor, maybe
you can help me out. I seem to be out of silver coins.
(CRASSUS replaces the coins, cleans his hands with a hand wipe and
tosses it into the urn)
STERCULINUS: Let me see.
(STERCULINUS pulls out two coins, each worth twenty denarii, hands one
to PETRONIUS and pockets the other)
STERCULINUS (to PETRONIUS): I'll never see that money again. I'll have
to add it to my next bill.
(PETRONIUS rubs both sides of the coin and bites it, then approves)
PETRONIUS: Very good. The ship's not moving; we must be in port.
CRASSUS: I'm the guest speaker at a luncheon sponsored by the Athens
Stock Exchange ... a nice little honorarium ... a gold aureus ... one
of the new coins. They're hard to come by and very much in demand.
PETRONIUS (to STERCULINUS): Just say a few words and he gets a gold
aureus? Nice little racket. I should have charged more.
PETRONIUS (to CRASSUS): One of the new ones you say. I'd like to see
it when you return.
CRASSUS: See it?
PETRONIUS: Feel it.
CRASSUS: Sorry. I'm going to deposit it in Denarius' bank inside the
Temple. There are too many pirates in the Mediterranean.
STERCULINUS: I've advised Crassus not to keep gold on board.
PETRONIUS: I hope you didn't charge for that advice. Any nincompoop
would know that. It's common sense.
STERCULINUS (to PETRONIUS): Common sense is in short supply these
days. CEOs don't seem to be any different from the great unwashed.
CRASSUS: You two stay here. I want the acquisition contract ready for
signature when I return with Robigus.
(Blackout)
SCENE 2
(Port of Athens. STERCULINUS and PETRONIUS sit at the small table
playing dice. They take turns putting the dice in a cup, shaking it
and turning the cup upside down on the table)
STERCULINUS: Sorry. I win again.
PETRONIUS: I can't even see the dice.
STERCULINUS: Don't you trust me?
PETRONIUS: You're a lawyer. Need I say more?
(STERCULINUS shakes the dice, turns the cup upside down on the table
and PETRONIUS quickly puts his hand on top of STERCULINUS' hand)
PETRONIUS (continuing): Humor me. I want to feel the dice.
(PETRONIUS lifts the cup and rubs the dice to verify the numbers and
they continue like this a few more times and PETRONIUS wins each
time)
STERCULINUS (to himself): Who's he kidding? He may be blind but he's
the one who's cheating.
(The LACKEY sticks his head inside from the upper deck and blasts them
with his horn. STERCULINUS and PETRONIUS jump up, knocking over their
stools as the dice scatter across the floor. The LACKEY enters,
followed by CRASSUS and ROBIGUS, who wears a long white toga over a
white tunic,)
LACKEY: Announcing the Great Crassus, recent winner of many
prestigious awards, including the Man of the Year Award from Timeless
Magazine, the ...
CRASSUS: That's not necessary.
LACKEY: If you say so.
(The LACKEY blows the horn again)
LACKEY (continuing): Accompanied by ...
LACKEY (to ROBIGUS): Who the hell are you anyway?
ROBIGUS: Lackey, are you addressing me?
LACKEY: Well, I wasn't talking to myself.
CRASSUS: That will be all, Lackey. Tell the Captain to depart for
Thessalonica immediately.
(The LACKEY exits. CRASSUS introduces ROBIGUS to STERCULINUS and
PETRONIUS, who stands, knocking over his stool, while turning around
to shake hands, and hitting ROBIGUS with his outstretched hand)
ROBIGUS: Jesus!
STERCULINUS: You can't say that. He hasn't been born yet.
[end of extract]