People Different From Us by Simon Walsh
Characters (Four Men, Four Women)
JACK A designer of computer games, late twenties
NORMAN Housemate and friend to JACK
DAWN Girlfriend and secretary/ office assistant to JACK, early
twenties
ANGELA O'BRIEN Internet correspondent to NORMAN
ANGELA O'BRIEN-SMITH NORMAN's first love
SABINA Executive in a non-profit organization
POLICEMAN
MICK DAWN's brother (DAWN and MICK can be played by the same
gender-swapping actor/actress as they don't appear on stage
together)
A living room in a shared house. It is simply furnished with
a couch in the center and a computer table with a chair
off to one side. The door to the street is upstage right.
There are two doors upstage center. One door leads to the
kitchen and the other is a closet. The door which leads to
the other part of the house is stage left. The four doors and the
couch should be plain and clearly serve to stylistically represent a
stage set for a farce.
JACK is working at his computer. NORMAN stands
in the center of the room.
NORMAN. Computers will destroy the human race.
JACK. (Preoccupied) How is that?
NORMAN. It's obvious. All these little techies running around like
alpha males. The gene pool will deteriorate.
JACK. So, you flunked the interview I arranged for you? (NORMAN
shrugs.) How do you manage it? We've got an unprecedented tide of
prosperity big enough to lift even your boat out of the sludge
NORMAN. You just don't think like an artist. Me I look at all
this prosperity and say 'O.K.! Now I can create in peace -
there'll be enough swilled out of the trough for me to get by
on.'
JACK. Which shows what a complete loser you are. (Pause) Can't you
do anything useful with your poetry?
NORMAN. Useful? Like what?
JACK. I don't know. (Thinks) Greeting cards? Or how about naming the
colours on a paint chart? Someone has to do it. (Slight pause) Or are
you going to continue lying around this house like a smear on the
carpet?
NORMAN. (Pause) Dawn's right. You are walking round these days like
your shit doesn't stink.
JACK. Well, despite her earthy charm, Dawn and I won't be an item
for much longer.
NORMAN. You're giving her the axe? Look out.
JACK. She's coming round to it.
NORMAN. Is there somebody else?
JACK. (Pause) Dawn and I are simply incompatible. We couldn't have
children togetherwe'd produce monsters no balance, no inner
peace.
NORMAN. You never know, they might take after her.
JACK. (Patronizing laugh) The only monsters I want to create right
now are the computer-generated kind; let them take care of me. And the
more they do that, the more my inner peace blossoms.
NORMAN. Exploding chest cavities and projectile organs that's
your inner peace blossoming, is it?
JACK .(Ignoring that remark) Now that I'm successful I feel like I
have arrived at my predestined level - where my genes can meet their
true match.
NORMAN. But Dawn helped you get there. Isn't she going to feel used
and thrown away?
JACK. Yes - it's not easy trying to shake off someone like Dawn. Her
whole family has somehow got involved.
NORMAN. Understandable. It's like the goose escaping just when it
starts laying golden eggs. They're ready for that money to come
barreling out of your back passage.
JACK. Very poetic. (Pause) Well tonight I take my first plunge into
the deep end of the gene pool. Yes, it's women who are both gorgeous
and smart from now on no more having to choose between the two.
You wouldn't believe the quality of crumpet that's interested in
me now that I've got a bit of status in the business.
NORMAN. (Sarcastically) There's a term for that.
JACK. Yes 'The progress of mankind'.
NORMAN. If you like. And where do the begetters of this master race
find each other?
JACK. (Slight Pause) The internet natch!
NORMAN. I've got a friend who does that. Seems to spend a lot of
time looking through photos of 45 year old rehabbed grandmothers
cuddling their cats.
JACK. I don't mean any old meat market. Like many busy
professionals, I've joined an exclusive dating service. 'The
Right Stuff'. Why leave it to chance anymore? And they give you this
wonderful little hand-held device to take to their brunches and art
openings. It sends out a signal when you're near someone with a
compatible profile.
NORMAN. Gucci bags have been doing that for years. (Pause) It all
lacks a certain poetry, doesn't it?
JACK. Poetry's your department. Not that you've been exactly
hauling them in that way.
NORMAN. My poems are not pick up lines.
JACK. They could be, if you put your doggerel about a bit. The
internet is a godsend for compulsive scribblers like you. You're not
savvy. (Pause) That's probably why our company didn't hire you
you don't come across as an early adopter.
NORMAN. (Pause) Do you know what I heard the other day? The thing most
adults do when they first get the chance to use the Internet?
JACK. Visit the co-ed dormitory web-cam?
NORMAN. No. They try to find their first sweetheart.
JACK. (Unsympathetic)That's sad.
NORMAN. I think it's rather touching. (Pause) I've even thought
about doing that myself. (Pause) 'Angela'. I remember seeing her
in the local paper a few years ago. It stirred up some powerful
feelings. I still have the P.E. bag she embroidered for me. It's
beautiful.
JACK. Why was she in the paper? Was she making an emotional appeal for
information leading to your whereabouts?
NORMAN. (Slight pause) It was the marriage page.
JACK. That's that then!
NORMAN. (Slight Pause) She could be trapped in a hellish marriage.
JACK. Forget it. You can't go back.
NORMAN. I wouldn't call it going 'back'. I'd say it's more
like going 'in'. I'd be going inside. Connecting with the
essential me. People said we were unnaturally close. My young fragile
mind grew like crystals along the threads of her being.
JACK. Are you quoting from one of your poems?
NORMAN. It's like the very core of my mind is .. Angela-shaped!
JACK. O.K. but I wouldn't use that as your opening gambit
especially not while brandishing the embroidered P.E. bag.
NORMAN. She'd understand that kind of language. She won a limerick
contest at school.
JACK. I treat old lovers like alien life forms. If they haven't made
contact by now, they're just not there. (Looks at the clock) Christ!
I've got to get going.
NORMAN. Where?
JACK. (Smartening himself) A date. And we are meeting close by so
please, stay in your half of the house.
NORMAN. (Smiles) I see.
JACK. No you don't see. Judging by her emails I am going to be
meeting a genuinely sophisticated woman. She may want to come back and
listen to a bit of free form. But I'll take one small step at a
time.
NORMAN. It might be a small step for you. It could be a giant leap for
mankind!
A knock at the door. They look at each other slightly
nervously. NORMAN exits opposite side of the stage to
go to his side of the house. JACK goes to open the door,
but before he can he hears a key turn in the door.
Enter DAWN.
JACK. Dawn! What a nice surprise. (Pause) Do you mind if I have that
key?
DAWN. Key? Why?
JACK. (Slight pause) I don't like being surprised.
DAWN. But you just said it was a nice surprise.
JACK. Well, as surprises go it was nice. I don't always like them
though. I think we should be able to define our own space, don't
you? I don't have a key to your place, do I?
DAWN. You don't need one. I live with my family, and there's
always someone home sick.
JACK. I just think that we need a little distance. After all, we see
each other at work every day.
DAWN. What's with all the new rules lately? (Puts her handbag down
on top of his computer)
JACK. It's for your own good.
DAWN. My own good?
JACK. (Pause) I'm preparing you for when you inevitably meet someone
else more your type, and you'll no longer want to be around this
irritable workaholic. You know (Click his fingers) when true
chemistry suddenly happens.
DAWN. But you said it isn't chemistry, it's biology that counts.
JACK. Did I?
DAWN. We're opposites attracting.
JACK. Why must you use these hackneyed expressions.
DAWN. You said we were.
JACK. Well yes, opposites can have a lot of fun - but they don't
tend to get serious.
DAWN. Haven't we been serious?
JACK. Serious? (Slight pause) Serious, yes. That's the problem.
We're not having fun anymore.
DAWN. (Pause) My mom thinks we're serious. She just took out a
bloody great loan.
JACK. (Horrified) For what?
DAWN. To meet upcoming expenses for 'shhh you know what'. And
my brother's put off building his gym in the basement. And dad
refuses to have his teeth fixed. He bought a blender instead.
JACK. It sounds like the whole bloody family's buying up shares in
me. I don't know who gave you the idea (pause) but did anyone
ever actually mention a date for this marriage? Besides, it's
impossible. If they ever found out about our affair at work they'd
understand how your outrageous incompetence has always worked in my
favor.
DAWN. (Shocked Pause) No. I can't do this to my family they've
got their hearts set on dying with grandchildren.
JACK. Tell them we couldn't have kids. Tell them I have a hereditary
sickness defective genes.
DAWN. We don't abandon sick people. That's not our way. (Pause) It
took me a long time to convince my brother you were O.K. He was
literally going to castrate that other shit, Brian.
JACK. (Worried) Literally? (Beat. Then sarcastic) Well, if I've put
anyone out caused any emotional pain and suffering from the loss
of the anticipated gain - I can of course make up for it. (Pulls out
his checkbook) I mean, how much would do it?
DAWN. What do you mean?
JACK. Name your figure! (Starts to write a check hurriedly and mutters
aside) Pay to the order of a bunch of blood-sucking work-shy gits
(To DAWN) How much?
DAWN. It's not the money. That's not my way.
JACK. But you risked your neck helping me get noticed. Your salary has
more than doubled.
DAWN. Because you said you loved me.
JACK. (Slight pause) I actually said that, did I?
DAWN. (Pause) I'll have to check your messages I saved them
all.
JACK. Not on the office network. I think you'll find that computer
of yours is programmed to delete saved messages.
DAWN. What?
JACK. Trade secrets. (Looks at his watch) Look, I have some very
important work to do. I can't deal with this now. Let me call you
later.
DAWN. You bastard!
JACK. (Trying to usher her out the door and giving her handbag to her)
Don't forget this!
DAWN screams in frustration and starts hitting him with her handbag.
JACK. (Between blows) That crocodile's more dangerous dead than
alive.
JACK manages to tear the handbag away from DAWN. He holds it up
threateningly over her head. DAWN backs away and trips over a chair
and falls to the floor. JACK picks up her feet and starts to drag her
to the door. Suddenly
he sees NORMAN standing there.
JACK. Norman! (Drops her feet) Well, thanks for that Dawn. I've got
some good ideas there.
DAWN. Asshole.
JACK. Sometimes you have to get good old-fashioned physical to remind
yourself of people's natural defense strategies. Yes, you've given
me a couple of good ideas for that new game we're designing. Nice
moves. (Helping her up and towards the door.)
DAWN. (Knees him in the groin as she leaves) There's more where that
came from.
JACK. (Doubling over) Oof! Aha! That one's a bit of an old cliché
still we could use it.
[Exit DAWN]
NORMAN. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
JACK. (Trying to save face) I expect I'll miss the old rough and
tumble. Oh God! Sabina is meeting me at the café down the road. What
if we run into Dawn? I should head her off at the station.
NORMAN. And try not to keep all that inner peace of yours so
mysteriously hidden.
[JACK exits]
NORMAN goes to the couch and pulls the P.E. bag out from under a
cushion. Kisses it. Then goes to the computer.
NORMAN. I can't believe I've found you again. (Sighs)Why have I
been so restrained? Well tonight I'm going to say what's really on
my mind. Angela! Sixteen years apart- sixteen wasted years. Has it all
just been part of our crazy love? We'll soon be calling them the
'Wilderness Years'! (Starts to sing the Rolling Stones song
'Angie'. There's a knock at the door. After a brief pause Dawn
lets herself in.)
NORMAN. Dawn! Back so soon?
DAWN. Oh I thought you'd be in your side of the house.
(NORMAN hides P.E. bag)
Are you going to be here long?
NORMAN. Why?
DAWN. I need the computer.
NORMAN. Why do you have to use this one?
DAWN. I want to smash it into tiny little pieces.
NORMAN. (Laughs) His work coming between you two, is it?
DAWN. Work! He might call it that I call it sick garbage. I have
had all I can take of it. God knows what it's doing to the kids. As
if there isn't enough violence in the world. I'm ready to kick two
tons of shit out of the lot of it.
NORMAN. (Smiles) Why don't you have a cooling off period first?
DAWN. I don't suppose you could tell me where he's gone?
NORMAN. The office. To do some work well, you know, he calls it
work (laughs).
DAWN. That's easily checked.
NORMAN. Well, not actually in it. He's meeting a client outside.
DAWN. Outside? Is the client a chain-smoker or something?
[She sits down on the couch]
NORMAN. What are you doing?
DAWN. Waiting.
NORMAN. For what?
DAWN. For you to leave.
They look at each other in silence for a while. There is
Another knock on the door.
NORMAN. I wonder who that is. (Light-heartedly) Why don't you go
into the kitchen? His laptop's in there. You can make a start on
that with the steak tenderizer.
NORMAN hurries DAWN into the kitchen and then goes to open the door on
the other side of the stage. A woman leans just her head into the open
doorway nervously.
NORMAN. (Puzzled, speaking conspiratorially) You're a 'right
stuff-er' aren't you?
ANGELA. What?
NORMAN. The right stuff. The agency. Busy professionals. (Puts his
hand in his pocket) Bleep! Bleep!
ANGELA. Bleep, bleep?
NORMAN. Yes. You must have passed him in the street. (Pointing)I'm
surprised he didn't set your thingy off.
ANGELA. (Smiling and bringing herself into full view. She wears
painter's overalls) Norman? It's me
NORMAN. Angela? (He stares at her in disbelief)
ANGELA. What's the matter? Have I changed that much?
NORMAN. I thoughtbut Angela? I'm confused ... Didn't you
use to be an endomorph?
ANGELA. (Laughs nervously) Well, look at you! You even dress like a
poet.
NORMAN. And look at you, you're a.artist?
ANGELA. More of an interior decorator really. (Stares at him for a
while then smiles)
NORMAN. Why didn't you let me know you were coming? Your emails said
nothing.How did you find this place?
ANGELA. (Ignoring his question) So - did you really mean all those
touching things you said in your emails?
NORMAN. (Pause. NORMAN looks outside the door then jokes) You didn't
bring your husband then?
ANGELA. (Slight pause) Don't worry. We don't go out together.
We're no longer compatible.
NORMAN. Do you have any monsters?
ANGELA. Pardon?
NORMAN. I mean children.
ANGELA. (Nervous laugh) No. (Pause) What about you?
NORMAN. No. Only my poems. Although some of those are little horrors!
(Nervous laugh).
There is a defiant scream and the sound of DAWN
destroying one of JACK's computers comes from the kitchen.
ANGELA. (Jumping nervously) What was that?
NORMAN. That? We're having some work done in the kitchen. (Pause) We
were lucky to get her. So conscientious.
ANGELA. I see. (Pause) Well, the poems you sent me were very sweet.
Unfortunately I can't say the same for my efforts but you asked
me to try. I strangled the muse long ago.
NORMAN. I don't believe in the muse. What you need to do is put your
whole self into your art everything. So there's nothing left.
Nothing. It means you can appear somewhat dull on the surface.
ANGELA. That sounds so intense.
NORMAN. It's hard. It means giving up a lot. Just today some
troglodyte with a computer habit was trying to convince me to do the
'smart thing'. But you know what? That's part of being a true
artist feeling like the most stupid person on earth. Completely at
odds with society's official version of 'smart'.
ANGELA. But you can't be stupid to think those thoughts.
[end of extract]