Rightyville Vs Leftyland by Tom DeMuro
CAST:
Leftyland Narrator
Rightyville Narrator
Officer Hucklebee
Rightyville Citizens #1 4
Leftyland Citizens #1 4
RIGHTYVILLE TOWNSPEOPLE
Manicurist
Mrs. Mayberry
Waitress
Man
Woman
Mrs. Beckman
Student #1
Student #2
Student #3
Student #4
LEFTYLAND TOWNSPEOPLE
Driving teacher
Melissa
Judge
Mr. Clark
June Rose
Lily Goldman
Mrs. Goldman
Nancy
Jennifer
Jimmy
LEFTYLAND SENIOR CITIZENS
Mrs. Lewis
Mrs. Jones
Mrs. Williams
Rightyville Senior Citizens
Mr. Marconi
Mrs. Gordon
Mrs. Mendocino
Alyssa Recreation Director at the 'Young at Heart Senior Center'
Lefty Larry Mayor of Leftyland
Righty Rick Mayor of Rightyville
Cast 31f &9m
OR, by using multiple roles of 4 actors each for the Townspeople in
scenes 2 and 3,that can easily be narrowed down to a total of 28.
In addition, 15 of the roles including both Narrators, Officer Hucklebee,
Rightyville &Leftyland Citizens &the 4 Students offer the flexibility of using
either male or female actors.
SCENE ONE
The Conflict Continues
(SPOTLIGHT UP: On STAGE RIGHT with the curtains closed. LEFTYLAND
NARRATOR is reading the Leftyland Daily News with the front page of
the paper facing the AUDIENCE that reads "Rightyville Bans
Lefthanded Scissors".)
LEFTYLAND NARRATOR: (Looking up and noticing the AUDIENCE. Sounding
disgusted.) Oh, hi! I'm just reading today's paper. Look at
this! Can you believe it? (Pointing to the newspaper and quoting the
headlines in frustration.) "Rightyville Bans Lefthanded
Scissors". This, of course, follows their ban on lefthanded
baseball gloves passed last year. Nothing new here. It's the same
old thing. The folks on the other side of town are at it again.
(SPOTLIGHT comes up on STAGE LEFT as the RIGHTYVILLE NARATOR enters
with the curtains remaining closed.)
RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR: (Responding in disbelief.) Excuse me?!
We're at it again? Don't you think your viewpoint is just a little one sided?
LEFTYLAND NARRATOR: One sided? Really? Maybe you need to take a
good look in the mirror. You're the ones who always think they're right.
RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR: Maybe you need to practice what you preach, my
friend.
LEFTYLAND NARRATOR: Oh, please! (Once again referring to the
newspaper headlines.) Banning all of your stores from selling
left-handed scissors? Really?
RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR: Oh, relax! You could always pick them up on
Amazon if you're really desperate. Besides, once in a while, it
would be nice to see you show some respect towards the opinions of
others.
LEFTYLAND NARRATOR: Why don't you step over here and I'll give
you five opinions. (Raising her lefthanded clutched fist.)
RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR: (Shaking her head in disgust.) Always looking
for trouble, aren't you?
LEFTYLAND NARRATOR: Seems like you have a short memory. Who was the
one who started the argument yesterday?
(The two NARRATORS start walking towards each other as they reach the
point of rage. Slowly, they raise their respective fists, grab each
other with their free hand and are about to go at it when they
suddenly hear some unusual, but obviously familiar, music playing in
the background. Simultaneously, their motion freezes and their faces
are filled with fear as they seem to sense what's about to happen.
As the theme music continues, OFFICER HUCKLEBEE slowly swaggers onto
the stage with a nightstick in her hand and makes her presence
known.)
OFFICER HUCKLEBEE: (Paces back and forth as she speaks slowly, calmly
and firmly.) Now folks didn't we just go through this same exact thing yesterday?
BOTH NARRATORS: (The two remain frozen, avoid eye contact with her
and mumble their answer back to the policeman.) Yes, Officer Hucklebee.
OFFICER HUCKLEBEE: (She gets visibly agitated and raises her voice.)
I can't hear you!
BOTH NARRATORS: (They respond a little bit louder.) Yes, Officer
Hucklebee.
OFFICER HUCKLEBEE: (Walks behind the two NARRATORS and slowly pushes
their hands down, steps between them and responds in a thunderous
voice.) I said I can't hear you!
BOTH NARRATORS: (Standing at attention as if they were soldiers and
responding with loud crisp voices.) Yes, Officer Hucklebee!!
OFFICER HUCKLEBEE: (Goes back to her pacing and calmness returns to
her voice temporarily.) Personally, I'm getting a little sick and
tired of having to constantly get in the middle of you two. (Raising
her voice and pounding her nightstick into her hand.) I gotta tell
ya' it's starting to get old. (Showing frustration and
pointing to the AUDIENCE.) You gotta remember, these kind people out
there don't even know what you're arguing about. (The two start
right back in where they left off.)
LEFTYLAND NARRATOR: I'll tell you what we're arguing about! Just
look at these ridiculous headlines! We're not going to tolerate
this anymore!
RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR: Ridiculous? How dare you make fun of our laws!
(The two begin to grab each other briefly until the policeman extends
her arms to separate them and restore order.)
OFFICER HUCKLEBEE: Now, let's be civil and explain to these nice
folks in the audience why it is that the two of you can't seem to
get along any better than the Road Runner and Wyle E. Coyote.
BOTH NARRATORS: (Looking at each other in confusion.) Who?
OFFICER HUCKLEBEE: You know, that old cartoon withnevermind,
it's not important. Now, who wants to go first? (The shouting
match resumes.)
RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR: I'll go first. It's important that we
begin with the truth!
LEFTYLAND NARRATOR: The truth? According to who?
OFFICER HUCKLEBEE: (She separates them one more time.) OK. OK. My
mistake. Let's try this again. (Hides her fist behind her back.)
I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. Whoever is closer,
goes first. (They reluctantly agree as she points to them one at a time.)
LEFTYLAND NARRATOR: Three.
RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR: Eight.
OFFICER HUCKLEBEE: (Slowly reveals her hidden fingers.) The number
was two. (She points to the LEFTYLAND NARRATOR). You may begin.
RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR: That's not fair. She cheated. (OFFICER
HUCKLEBEE puts her head in her hands in exasperation.)
LEFTYLAND NARRATOR: How could I have cheated?
RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR: I saw you peaking behind her back! I call
do over!! (One more time, they get physical with each other.)
OFFICER HUCKLEBEE: (Screaming.) That's it! (She blows her whistle
and two other policemen come out to remove the RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR
from the stage.)
RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR: (Trying to get in the last word to the AUDIENCE
before she is dragged through the curtain.) Don't believe a word
she says! It's lies, I tell ya'all lies!
OFFICER HUCKLEBEE: (Waits for quiet and speaks directly to the
AUDIENCE.) Sometimes that's the only way to keep your sanity around
here. (Looks at her watch.) Well, I gotta run, folks. Call me if
things get out of handagain. (Speaking to the LEFTYLAND
NARRATOR.) They're all yours. (She slowly disappears through the
curtain with her theme music playing, the same way she arrived.)
LEFTYLAND NARRATOR: (Relieved that she finally has the chance to
tell the AUDIENCE her side of the story, she moves to CENTERSTAGE.)
Wow Where do I start? I guess from the beginning. I'm from
Leftyland where all of our citizens are you guessed it
lefthanded. From everything I've read and from what my parents tell
me, we just got tired of being treated like second class citizens. As
Lefties, let's face it, we are so outnumbered. So, we decided to
just keep to our side of town and do things our way. (The RIGHTYVILLE
CITIZENS enter STAGE LEFT prepared to share their part of the story.)
But those people on the other side of town are just well I guess
they would probably tell you
(SPOTLIGHTS come up on STAGE LEFT. The LEFTYLAND NARRATOR strolls
back to STAGE RIGHT. She looks on in silence, but shows her
disagreement through facial expressions.)
All: We do things right!
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #1: We throw with our right hand.
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2: We catch with our right hand.
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #3: We eat with our right hand and
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #4: we write with our right hand. In our humble
opinion
All: (Raising their right hand to support their claim.) We do
everything right!
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #4: (Glancing to her right.) Unlike some other
people we know
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #1: But, let's be clear about this.
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2: This rivalry is about much more than which
hand we prefer to use.
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #3: Those folks on the other side of town are
just a little "different" (She puts the quotes in the air with her
fingers.) in a lot of ways.
(SPOTLIGHTS go up on STAGE RIGHT and remain on for STAGE LEFT. The
LEFTYLAND CITIZENS enter through the curtain STAGE RIGHT. The
RIGHTIES immediately turn their backs on them.)
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1: And may we ask what is your definition of
"different"? (Also demonstrating quotes in the air with his
fingers.)
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #2: (Sarcastically.) Not like you?
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #3: Yes, we use our left-hand
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #4: To throw.
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1: To catch.
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #2: To write.
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #3: To read.
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1, 2 &4: (Confused by her statement.) To read??
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #3: I just wanted to see if the audience was paying
attention.
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #4: But we do agree about one thing.
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #2: That is, that we disagree about pretty much
everything.
(The two groups slowly move closer to CENTERSTAGE as the dialogue goes
back and forth between the two sides.)
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #1: We drink Coke.
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1: No Coke Pepsi!
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2: We love the Yankees.
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #2: We are true blue Mets fans.
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #3: We wear our hats forward.
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #4: We prefer to wear ours backward.
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #3: Wait, wait! That's not really a fair
comparison. You kind of have to wear your hat backwards when you're
a Mets fan.
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #4: We thrive on loud, hard driving rock music!
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1: We love the smooth sophisticated sound of jazz.
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #1: We're strict vegetarians.
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #2: We believe that a delicious rack of barbeque
ribs never hurt anyone.
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2: We would play video games 24 hours a day if
our parents would let us. (Smiling.) And they do!
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #3: We'd rather be outside on the sports field
any day.
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #3: There's nothing like the purr of our cats
as they cuddle up on our laps in our living rooms.
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #4: Cats have attitudes. Dogs only in our
neighborhoods.
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #4: Our favorite color is red.
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1: Ours (They all point to a certain part of
their wardrobe which features every color but red.)
ALL LEFTYLAND CITIZENS: Isn't!
(The RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR bursts through the curtain STAGE LEFT and
brushes herself off. She looks around, clearly out of breath, as if
she just escaped from the two policemen. The two NARRATORS pick up
the conversation as the groups slowly turn their backs on each
other.)
RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR: To be honest, we're not really sure how this
whole fight got started, but my grandpa says it's been that way for as
long as he can remember and it doesn't look like things will change
anytime soon.
LEFTYLAND NARRATOR: How can they when one side (Points to the LEFTIES
with her thumb.) refuses to respect the rights of others.
RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR: (Just as sarcastically.) And what side might
you be referring to?
LEFTYLAND NARRATOR: Well, since it's obviously not us, I guess that
leaves the Coke drinking, righthanded Yankee fans, doesn't it?
RIGHTYVILLE NARRATOR: (Shouting back with tremendous sarcasm.)
Obviously! It couldn't possibly be the lefthanded, carnivorous jazz
lovers, could it? (Shouting even louder with hands on hips.) Heaven
forbid that you admit that you are the ones who are "different"
around here.
(They all begin to shout at each other and, just when it looks like
chaos is about to erupt, the familiar music announcing the imminent
arrival of OFFICER HUCKLEBEE begins to play again and everyone cringes
in anticipation. They look at each other deciding whether they should
hang around or run. Both NARRATORS are the first to leave and EXIT
through the center curtain. After a few more seconds, ALL CITIZENS
EXCEPT FOR RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2 and LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1 scatter in
fear. The two remain on the stage facing each other, laughing
hysterically.)
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1: (Laughing.) Do you believe those guys?
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2: (Laughing right along with him.) I know,
right? Running away like a bunch of scaredy cats. (HUCKLEBEE appears
STAGE LEFT, but neither of them notice her.)
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1: (Laughing even harder.) You would think
Hucklebee is six foot ten or something the way they were bolting out
of here.
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2: (Keeping up with his laughter.) I know.
What is she like four foot three or something? I could crush her with
one hand tied behind my back. (They go to smack each other five with
their respective hands when they suddenly catch themselves remembering
that they are from different sides of town.)
LEFTYLAND CITIZEN #1: (Notices HUCKLEBEE standing with her arms
folded a few feet behind RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2.) UmmI gotta get
going!
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2: Don't tell me you're afraid, too? (He
totally ignores her question and backs away slowly through the curtain
STAGE RIGHT. She yells after him.) Well, some of us don't scare
that easily! (OFFICER HUCKLEBEE quietly moves closer to her.)
OFFICER HUCKLEBEE: (Speaking in a calm voice.) Really? Well,
that's good to know. (Without turning around, RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN
#2 immediately shows signs of panic. Takes out her handkerchief and
begins to wipe perspiration off of her forehead. OFFICER HUCKLEBEE
begins banging her nightstick first against her thigh and then on the
palm of her hand to intimidate her.) So, what were you saying again
about crushing me with one hand tied behind your back?
(Sarcastically.) Now, I'm assuming that your left hand would be the
one tied behind your back (Takes her left hand and gently twists it
behind her back.), since you prefer to use your right hand. Am I
correct about that?
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2: (Nervously.) Oh that? I was just kidding,
Officer Hucklebee. Another thing you probably don't know about us
Righties is that we have a great sense of humor. Yup, real jokesters.
That's us.
OFFICER HUCKLEBEE: (Sarcastically.) Hmm no I didn't realize
that. I guess we learn something every day. (Putting a little more
pressure on her arm as she raises her voice.) Well, I suggest you
take that sense of humor back to your side of town where I'm sure it
will be much more appreciated!
RIGHTYVILLE CITIZEN #2: Yes, Officer Hucklebee! (She puts her
handkerchief back in her pocket and cautiously begins to leave the
stage feeling relieved to get off the hook.) Thank you! Have a great
day, ma'am!
OFFICER HUCKLEBEE: (Shaking her head and speaking directly to the
AUDIENCE.) And on and on the insanity goes, folks. I tell ya', the
bickering between these two groups never stops. That's why I moved
out of this area completely a few years back. Nothing ever changes
around here. The LEFTIES stay on their side of town called Leftyland.
The RIGHTIES keep to themselves in Rightyville. From speaking to the
local historians, I've learned that years ago both sides used to
live peacefully in one town called Togethertown. (Smiles to herself.)
Imagine that all living together in one place and getting along.
No disrespect. No judgment. No prejudice. Man must've been a
beautiful thing. Now, don't get me wrong. Leftyland and
Rightyville are beautiful places but, for some reason, they just
can't be beautiful together. I remember a few years back we
actually came close to having peace and harmony. And in the final
step, when it was time to shake hands on the agreement, we hit a snag.
(Both CITIZENS #4 come out to demonstrate what OFFICER HUCKLEBEE is
explaining.) The Righties wanted to shake hands with their right hand
and, of course, the Lefties insisted on shaking with their left hand.
It just didn't work out. (The CITIZENS demonstrate the dilemma and
then leave.) Well, I know this is your first time visiting the area,
so I'll let you look around for yourselves. (Her theme song plays as
she slowly walks off the stage. The curtain opens for the AUDIENCE to
get their first view of RIGHTYVILLE.)