Shaken & Stirred by Virginia Wall Gruenert

Price $7.99 Add to cart

This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

CHARACTERS

HAPPY - Ages from a 9-year-old Catholic schoolgirl to a 22-
year-old college student during the course of the play.
Smart as a whip.
HARLEY - Early 20's, from eastern Kentucky. Her abysmal
upbringing has resulted in a serious alcohol dependency.
Hardcore, determined, good-hearted.
HAPPY'S MOM - Beleaguered middle-aged wife of an alcoholic.
IRIS - Passionate AA member, ROZ's sponsee and HARLEY's
sponsor.
TIFF and BARB - Game show hosts.
ROZ - Longtime AA member, quite the political activist in her
day. Early 60's. IRIS' sponsor.
CHLOE - HAPPY's aunt (HAPPY's MOM's younger sister),
privileged wife of a wealthy alcoholic.

NOTES ON STAGING

Sets and props should be minimal; costume pieces can be added
or deleted to indicate the passage of time. Each character's
linear time is different (e.g., HAPPY ages thirteen years
from beginning to end, while HARLEY ages only two years);
therefore, the theatricality of the piece is best expressed
through light, sound, and music rather than realistic
settings. The original production utilized music before the
start of Scene 1, at the top of Scene 4 (HARLEY's dance),
during the transition between Scenes 9 and 10, and at the end
of the play.

SCENE 1
(Happy's Mom, at a cemetery,
sitting in a car)
HAPPY'S MOM
It's all my fault, Chloe. It is. I didn't know how to break
the circle, or the cycle, or whatever the fuck they call it.
Oh, God forbid, I swore in a Catholic cemetery! Yes, I said
"fuck"! What, you're going to call me out on my language??
You and I grow up with alcohol running out of the faucets, we
both marry drunks, today I'm sitting in a funeral car, and
you're going to begrudge me a "fuck"? Oh, right, Chloe, I
forgot - your hubby's not a drunk, he's a social drinker,
yeah, my ass, Mrs. High Society. Just because Creighton can
afford a yacht and fancy cars and a ten million dollar home
doesn't mean he's not a drunk. It just means he can afford
top-shelf liquor, and a top-shelf lawyer to make his DUI's
disappear. Why am I being so snarky? Well, because, dear
little sister, they're burying half of my heart in that grave
over there. I need my daughter, I need Mary. Mary?
MaryElizabethCATHERINE! Don't touch me. I'll get out of the
car when I'm ready to get out of the car.

(Happy's Mom, at a cemetery,
sitting in a car)
HAPPY'S MOM
It's all my fault, Chloe. It is. I didn't know how to break
the circle, or the cycle, or whatever the fuck they call it.
Oh, God forbid, I swore in a Catholic cemetery! Yes, I said
"fuck"! What, you're going to call me out on my language??
You and I grow up with alcohol running out of the faucets, we
both marry drunks, today I'm sitting in a funeral car, and
you're going to begrudge me a "fuck"? Oh, right, Chloe, I
forgot - your hubby's not a drunk, he's a social drinker,
yeah, my ass, Mrs. High Society. Just because Creighton can
afford a yacht and fancy cars and a ten million dollar home
doesn't mean he's not a drunk. It just means he can afford
top-shelf liquor, and a top-shelf lawyer to make his DUI's
disappear. Why am I being so snarky? Well, because, dear
little sister, they're burying half of my heart in that grave
over there. I need my daughter, I need Mary. Mary?
MaryElizabethCATHERINE! Don't touch me. I'll get out of the
car when I'm ready to get out of the car.

SCENE 2
(Happy, age 9, alone in the
schoolyard)
HAPPY
Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb,
Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead.
Now she takes the lamb to school, lamb to school, lamb to
school,
Now she takes the lamb to school between two hunks of bread.
My Daddy taught me that. He doesn't believe in bedtime
stories or nursery rhymes from books. He makes up his own.
My name is Mary, too. I was named after the Blessed Virgin,
and both my dead grandmas. Mary Elizabeth Catherine, that's
me. When my Mom's on the warpath, which is just about every
day, she calls me…
HAPPY'S MOM
MaryElizabethCATHERINE!
HAPPY
...like it's one word. I've never heard Daddy call me by my
real name. He calls me Happy, 'cause he says I was born
laughing. My Dad can make me laugh like crazy, too. When
he's not drunk. He's my other very best friend next to
Cecelia Bustamonte.
In first grade? The first time I sat next to Cecelia in the
cafeteria? She made me laugh so hard I squirted milk out my
nose. And that's why she's my very best friend. We're in
fourth grade now, but Sister Magdalene says I work at a sixth
grade level, here at Blessed Sacrament School of the Holy
Child Jesus, which has the longest school song ever written,
which Cecelia and I made up dirty words to (makes sign of the
cross)for which I am truly sorrywhich I'll sing for you
later, if there's time.
Anyway, my Dad's got tons of friends and they come on
Saturday afternoons and smoke and drink and play cards in the
basement. And tell jokes, and my Dad tells the best ones,
like “Why does the shark swim in salt water? Cause the
pepper water makes him sneeze!” Then he'll say, “Happy, my
dear? Another beer!” and I'll run and get a Budweiser for
him and everybody laughs and then my Mom screams from the top
of the stairs,
HAPPY'S MOM
MaryElizabethCATHERINE!
HAPPY
And then I have to go shopping with her or some junk like
that. But that was before my Mom signed me up for tap
lessons on Saturdays, so now I can't watch the card games
anymore. The truth is, my Mom can't stand that I love to be
with my Dad. I don't see the problem. Just 'cause she's mad
at him all the time, I don't have to be.
Last Christmas? My Mom took me and my little brother, Jimmy
the Screamer, to see Santa at Macy's. Jimmy the Screamer's
two years and seven months younger than me. Than I. We
took the number 82 bus on the corner 'cause my Mom never
learned to drive, and on the ride there Jimmy puked in the
hat Aunt Chloe knitted for him and he started to scream. He
doesn't need a reason to scream. Anyway, my Mom asked me
what I was going to ask Santa for, and I said “to make Daddy
stop drinking,” and Mom went
HAPPY'S MOM
Shhhh!!!
HAPPY
and she whispered,
HAPPY'S MOM
You can't ask Santa for that. We can only ask God for that.
Isn't there anything else you want?
HAPPY
And I said “Yeah, I want Jimmy the Screamer kidnapped” and
wham! she slapped my mouth, right there in front of the bus
driver and everybody, and I was going to ask somebody to call
the cops on her, but I was too scared to do it.
Just for that, I decided to ask Santa to make Daddy stop
drinking anyway. When we got to Macy's, Mom washed Jimmy's
hat out in the ladies' room and we took the escalator up to
Santa's place, and I sat in his lap and I said, “Santa? I
know most kids ask for lots of toys and crap, but I only want
one thing for Christmas.” And Santa said “No kidding? And
what would that be, young lady? Ho-ho-HO!” and I said “WOW!
Your breath smells just like my Daddy's!” and my Mom yanked
us outta there so fast I didn't get to ask him, and Jimmy
didn't get to ask for his BB gun, either, which made him
scream most of the ride back. But Mom didn't say a word.
And when we got home she talked to me about the difference
between what's private family stuff and what's not, and said
if we want to help Daddy, we have to pray. We've been
praying ever since.
(She is now in the chapel)
That's why I want to talk to you, Mary. If we're praying all
the time, why does Daddy keep on drinking? God gives
Catholic prayers top priority, right? Today I finally got
the nerve to ask Father Malachy about it, and all he said was
“Keep on praying, Mary. God has a plan for your Daddy.” But
he didn't tell me what it is.

SCENE 3
(Harley, closing time at
Neely's Tavern; Happy, age
9, on her way home from the
chapel)
HARLEY
(Rolling and smoking a joint
as she speaks)
Mama named me Harley 'cause she's totally into bikers. She
raised me by herself and we was poorer than dirt. Mama
taught me everythin' I know about drinkin' and makin' men
smile, if you get my drift. She waited tables, just like me,
at a shithole just like Neeley's Tavern here. She always
called me her party girl, which was callin' the goddamn
kettle black, let me tell you. When I was just a kid, Mama's
“friends” - all men, of course - would come to our trailer
almost every night Mama wasn't workin', and they'd bring
whiskey, beer, wine, pills, whatever turned their crank, and
off to the races they went. Assholes, all of 'em. And when
everybody was too high to notice, I'd steal a half-bottle of
Jack and sneak into my room, which was Mama's room, too, just
to get the hell away from all the hollerin' and bullshit, and
I'd have a party all by myself. The next morning I'd have a
hangover with a tail on it, but that didn't stop me from
doin' it again the next time. And there was always a next
time.
HAPPY
Most people think my Dad is dead. He doesn't go anywhere,
except to work, when he has a job. He never goes to PTA
meetings or my dance recitals or Jimmy's Scout meetings or
anything. In fact, Jimmy told his Scoutmaster that he and
Dad couldn't go to the Webelos Wing-Ding Father-Son Campout
'cause Daddy got killed in a tidal wave. In central New
Jersey. Jimmy was asked to leave the Webelos.
My Mom never talks about Daddy to other people, either. It's
like he's the Boogieman in the basement, 'cause that's where
he spends a lot of his time now - in the basement with his
whiskey and his beer and the TV.
(Happy exits)
(Harley, closing time at
Neely's Tavern; Happy, age
9, on her way home from the
chapel)
HARLEY
(Rolling and smoking a joint
as she speaks)
Mama named me Harley 'cause she's totally into bikers. She
raised me by herself and we was poorer than dirt. Mama
taught me everythin' I know about drinkin' and makin' men
smile, if you get my drift. She waited tables, just like me,
at a shithole just like Neeley's Tavern here. She always
called me her party girl, which was callin' the goddamn
kettle black, let me tell you. When I was just a kid, Mama's
“friends” - all men, of course - would come to our trailer
almost every night Mama wasn't workin', and they'd bring
whiskey, beer, wine, pills, whatever turned their crank, and
off to the races they went. Assholes, all of 'em. And when
everybody was too high to notice, I'd steal a half-bottle of
Jack and sneak into my room, which was Mama's room, too, just
to get the hell away from all the hollerin' and bullshit, and
I'd have a party all by myself. The next morning I'd have a
hangover with a tail on it, but that didn't stop me from
doin' it again the next time. And there was always a next
time.
HAPPY
Most people think my Dad is dead. He doesn't go anywhere,
except to work, when he has a job. He never goes to PTA
meetings or my dance recitals or Jimmy's Scout meetings or
anything. In fact, Jimmy told his Scoutmaster that he and
Dad couldn't go to the Webelos Wing-Ding Father-Son Campout
'cause Daddy got killed in a tidal wave. In central New
Jersey. Jimmy was asked to leave the Webelos.
My Mom never talks about Daddy to other people, either. It's
like he's the Boogieman in the basement, 'cause that's where
he spends a lot of his time now - in the basement with his
whiskey and his beer and the TV.
(Happy exits)SCENE 3
(Harley, closing time at
Neely's Tavern; Happy, age
9, on her way home from the
chapel)
HARLEY
(Rolling and smoking a joint
as she speaks)
Mama named me Harley 'cause she's totally into bikers. She
raised me by herself and we was poorer than dirt. Mama
taught me everythin' I know about drinkin' and makin' men
smile, if you get my drift. She waited tables, just like me,
at a shithole just like Neeley's Tavern here. She always
called me her party girl, which was callin' the goddamn
kettle black, let me tell you. When I was just a kid, Mama's
“friends” - all men, of course - would come to our trailer
almost every night Mama wasn't workin', and they'd bring
whiskey, beer, wine, pills, whatever turned their crank, and
off to the races they went. Assholes, all of 'em. And when
everybody was too high to notice, I'd steal a half-bottle of
Jack and sneak into my room, which was Mama's room, too, just
to get the hell away from all the hollerin' and bullshit, and
I'd have a party all by myself. The next morning I'd have a
hangover with a tail on it, but that didn't stop me from
doin' it again the next time. And there was always a next
time.
HAPPY
Most people think my Dad is dead. He doesn't go anywhere,
except to work, when he has a job. He never goes to PTA
meetings or my dance recitals or Jimmy's Scout meetings or
anything. In fact, Jimmy told his Scoutmaster that he and
Dad couldn't go to the Webelos Wing-Ding Father-Son Campout
'cause Daddy got killed in a tidal wave. In central New
Jersey. Jimmy was asked to leave the Webelos.
My Mom never talks about Daddy to other people, either. It's
like he's the Boogieman in the basement, 'cause that's where
he spends a lot of his time now - in the basement with his
whiskey and his beer and the TV.
(Happy exits)
HARLEY
Mama got knocked up when she was sixteen, and had me. We
neither one know who my Daddy is. I didn't wanna make the
same stupid mistakes she did, so I got knocked up at fifteen
instead. And I'll tell ya exactly the night it happened, and
who the Daddy is. I'm havin' the usual private party in my
room when this asshole biker named Cal sticks his fat head in
the door and says, “Hey Party Girl! Whatcha doin' in here
all by yer lonesome?” I tell him to mind his own fuckin'
business and get lost. Instead, he comes in, closes the door
and shoves a chair in front of it so nobody else can get in.
The music was so loud, I guess my Mama didn't hear me
screamin' for help. Nobody did. The next thing I remember is
Mama bangin' around the kitchen the next mornin'. When I
tell her what Cal done to me, all she says is, “I'm surprised
that didn't happen sooner. Ya want breakfast?”
HAPPY
(Enters. She is now age 13,
and in her backyard)
Last month? My Mom had a whole bunch of school parents over
the house to plan the Halloween Hoedown at Thomas Edison
Elementary, 'cause that's where Jimmy goes and 'cause Mom is
running for the School Board. So she made this huge deal out
of it and made caramel apples and a chocolate sheet cake, and
she let me invite Cecelia 'cause she missed my 13th birthday
party last July, and Jimmy invited his stupid friend Pudgy,
who Mom says is a juvenile delinquent but she let him come
anyway 'cause Jimmy would scream otherwise.
Anyway, in the middle of this lame party, the grownups are
busy doing whatever and Jimmy and Pudgy and Cecelia and I are
flinging cake at each other off our plastic forks, and then
my Dad - my Dad comes up from the basement. He's real drunk,
and he staggers into the dining room where everybody's sorta
gathered. He's in his underwear, his glasses are crooked,
and drool's coming out of his mouth, and there's this big wet
stain on the front of his boxers, and he smells real bad.
And he looks at me and smiles this big drooly smile and says,
“Happy, my beer, another dear!” and laughs like that's the
funniest thing ever.
Well, the grownups are standing there pretending they don't
see him, Pudgy hides with his cake in the hall closet, Jimmy
starts screaming, and my Mom drops a bunch of cake plates and
smashes them. I want to go comfort Jimmy, but it feels like
my feet are glued to the floor, and then something in my
brain snaps, like the rubber bands Cecelia and I shoot at
Sister Brigid at choir practice. I go to the kitchen and
open the knife drawer and take out my Mom's potato knife, the
one with the black handle, and I stick it in my stomach. I
hear a scream - STOP!!!—and realize it's me. The last
thing I see before I pass out is my Dad's face. He's crying.Somebody,
I don't remember who, drove me, Mom and Jimmy to
the hospital. Cecelia came, too. Jimmy held my hand the
whole way there and back. That got me eight stiches and a
lecture from my mother. But guess what? My Dad didn't have
another drink after that. Well, not until today.
HARLEY
I had a perfect baby girl. Her name's Shelby, but I call her
Sugar. I took real good care of Sugar all by myself, but
after a few months Mama said I was too young and too stupid
to raise her up, and she sure as hell wasn't gonna help me.
So my cousin Teenie - she's a 400-pound heifer who calls
herself Teenie 'cause she was born premature - she comes from
New Jersey and takes Sugar away. I called every day, I
missed my baby so much, but then Teenie stops takin' my
calls. I make bus fare as fast as I can by - well, by makin'
men smile, if you get my drift. Just like Mama taught me.
It takes me almost two years to get to Jersey, but I did it,
and I call Teenie and say “I'm here and I want my baby.” And
she tells me she and her lowlife husband adopted her, and
that Mama signed off on it, 'cause I was underage. And they
was never gonna tell Sugar who her real mama is. And then
that fat bitch hangs up on me. Here's to livin' single and
drinkin' double. (Drinks)
HAPPY'S MOM
(Enters)
MaryElizabethCATHERINE!
HAPPY
I'm coming! I was just waiting for the yelling to stop! So,
is Daddy off to the basement again? Are you finished
humiliating him for now? Calling him a drunk and a loser
loud enough for all the neighbors to hear? It makes you
happy to see Daddy miserable, doesn't it? Do you ever see
his face when you start in on him? How ashamed he is? Don't
you know that you're the reason he hides in the basement and
drinks? Don't you know you're the one who drives him out of
the house and into Neeley's Tavern? So he lost his job, so
what? He'll get another one, he always does. But you have
to make life miserable for all of us, don't you? It's not
bad enough that Jimmy doesn't get to go to Catholic school,
today I find out from Mother Brendan that I can't go to Our
Lady Queen of Martyrs High School with Cecelia! “Why not?” I
ask her.
“Because your parents can't afford it dear,” she says. I
have to go to high school with the PUBLICS!! Thanks for
telling me, Mom!
(Starts to go, turns back)
Public school lunches are cheap. Here!
(Throws some dollar bills at her
mother)
Go pay the gas bill or something!
(Pause. Picks up the money)
Mom. I'vebeen babysitting since I was eleven. Lucky for me
we live in an Irish Catholic neighborhood - never a shortage
of babies, huh? And I've finally found a good hiding place
for my money so Daddy won't take it again. You can have
every cent I've saved. Take it all. And you've been working
at the bank for over a year. We can pool our money, we can
do it together, Mom. My tuition's only eight thousand. I
don't see the problem!

[end of extract]

Price $7.99 Add to cart