Soapicide by T. J. Hartung

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

Cast of Characters
Six actors play the six characters in the long-running soap opera, “The Eclectic and The Eccentric.”

Hamilton Beach played by Skylar (Sky) Lark
Sandford (Sandy) Beach played by Tom Phoolary
Forrest Green played by Gerry Attrick
Laurel Green played by Summer Windz
Kelly Green played by Barbara (Barbie) Dahl
Sunny Daye played by Sugar Shakk

IMPORTANT: Part of the success of this play depends on the six actors above having two totally different on-stage personas - different voice, posture, facial expression, gait and mannerisms. A few suggestions are included in the script, but the director and/or actors are free to do choose their own interpretations.

Other Characters:
(Note - The following names were selected to be either male or female without changes to the script.)
Taylor, The Director, he wears a hat
Nicky, Assistant Director
Allison, The Intern
Control Booth Voice [CBV] (pre-recorded from the script)

Character Notes:
Hamilton Beach, (Skylar (Sky) Lark), Handsome business exec, (self centered actor)
Sandford (Sandy) Beach (Tom Phoolary), Brother of Hamilton Beach, (an aspiring stand-up comic & ladies man)
Forrest Green, (Gerry Attrick), 60ish, Successful business exec, (a crotchety, snarky old guy)
Laurel Green (Summer Windz), Kelly’s mother and wife of Forrest Green, (a self centered actress)
Kelly Green (Barbara (Barbie) Dahl), 20ish
Sunny Daye (Sugar Shakk), a secretary that is not a naïve as she looks


Setting:
The set of the TV Soap Opera “The Eclectic and The Eccentric.” Present Day.

The stage is divided into 2 areas: The offices of “French Letter Industries” (SR) and
a living room (SL);
 
ACT I
(The set of “The Eclectic and The Eccentric”. Soothing theme music. Lights up SR - - - The offices of “French Letter Industries”. Forrest Green is well-dressed, with silver hair. He is seated at his desk. His secretary, Sunny Daye, enters.
Just off-stage, and barely visible to the audience, is Taylor, the director. For the moment, he is silent.)

SUNNY DAYE: (She speaks with a very sophisticated accent) Mr. Green, you wife is on the phone and Hamilton Beach is waiting to speak to you. Also, I need a few minutes of your time.
FORREST GREEN: (sitting back in his chair, looking at her) If it’s about another raise, you know the financial status of this company. French Letter Industries simply doesn’t have the money to give you another raise.
SUNNY DAYE: (Seductively) Oh, darling, the only raise I want is just like the one you gave me last night, right here on this desk.
FORREST GREEN: Let’s not talk about our late night dictation sessions during business hours. This is a business office and we need to conduct ourselves in a business-like manner.
SUNNY DAYE: Dictation? (emphasizing the first half of the word) (pause) Lots of the former and not much ….
FORREST GREEN: (Turning serious) What is it you want to talk to me about – and make it brief.
SUNNY DAYE: I have to take tomorrow afternoon off – for a doctor’s appointment.
FORREST GREEN: Nothing serious I hope.
SUNNY DAYE: Just a routine female thing – Like last month’s female thing that didn’t happen. Now you better talk to your wife, (as she exits) she’s been on hold for several minutes.
FORREST GREEN: (picking up the phone) I hope you can make this brief; I’ve got people waiting to see me.
(Lights switch to SL. Laurel is in the living room on the phone.)
LAUREL: (Sternly) Don’t get short with me. You know I only call you in the office when I have something important to ask you, or tell you. (Lovingly) Now darling, I hope you are sitting down. I have something to tell you.
(Lights switch to SR.)
FORREST GREEN: I don’t have time for your games, Laurel. I know you had a doctor’s appointment this morning. What did he tell you – You only have a month to live? (Looking up he mouths the words ‘I hope’.) Tell me quickly. I have someone waiting in my outer office and he is getting impatient.
(Lights switch to SL.)
LAUREL: Oh darling, hope and dream all you want. I’m not going anywhere. In fact, our family is about to grow. Order some good cigars. In about seven months or so, you’ll be giving them out, (with emphasis) Proud Poppa. (She hangs up)
(Lights switch to SR.)
FORREST GREEN: (He stares into space for a few seconds, then presses a button on the intercom) Send him in.
(Hamilton Beach enters. He walks with a cane and a slight limp. He speaks with a very handsome accent [mostly this involves trying to sound really tough all the time].)
FORREST GREEN: Ah, Hamilton Beach. How nice of you to stop by. What can I do for you?
HAMILTON BEACH: I’ll get right to the point, Forrest Green. I know that your company, French Letter Industries, is in a financial dilemma.
FORREST GREEN: I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’ve been a business competitor for many years and have been trying to take over my company ever since I first met you. (Indicating the bar behind him) Scotch?
HAMILTON BEACH: The last time I touched your scotch I ended up in a mental hospital for three months. Do you still buy your scotch from that Mexican shaman who infuses it with peyote? I think I’ll decline the scotch this time, even though it looks (pause) pretty good.
FORREST GREEN: As you wish, Hamilton Beach. (Opening the cigar box on the desk.) Cigar?
HAMILTON BEACH: The last time I smoked one of your cigars I came to as a crew member on a ship operated by pirates from Somalia. We captured 3 freighters and held the crew, the ships and contents for ransom for two months before I was able to escape. Your cigar not only affected by mind, but it affected my taste buds for over a year after that. Everything tasted like garlic. I couldn’t enjoy a simple glass of orange juice because it tasted like garlic. So, thank you, but (pause) no thanks.
FORREST GREEN: As you wish, Hamilton Beach, as you wish.
HAMILTON BEACH: I’ll ask you again, what’s it going to take for you to step down and take the retirement you so richly deserve?
FORREST GREEN: (Thinking for a second) Have a seat.
HAMILTON BEACH: I think not. The last time I sat in one of your chairs it was coated with oil from a poison ivy plant. I spent 2 months in the hospital recovering from the rashes all over my body. So, (pause) thank you very much, I think I’ll stand. But, I appreciate the sentiment.
FORREST GREEN: Very well. Although standing can get… (Dramatic pause.) …uncomfortable.
HAMILTON BEACH: So can my fist to your face.
FORREST GREEN: Oh please. Must you always make these threats? (Pause) What did you mean about French Letter Industries being in a financial dilemma?
HAMILTON BEACH: I have friends in high places, Forrest. I also have friends in low places, like banks. (Pause) I know that the monthly payment on your loan hasn’t been made in several months.
FORREST GREEN: I’m an old man, Hamilton. (beat) I may not last long. (beat) In fact, there is the very real possibility that I’m dying of something right now. (Pause) So I’m going to make amends. You remember your wife, Nina?
HAMILTON BEACH: YOU MONSTER WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER?!
FORREST GREEN: I just asked if you remembered her.
HAMILTON BEACH: Oh! Yes! We’re quite happy together. She’s the light of my life.
FORREST GREEN: I’m glad to hear that.
HAMILTON BEACH: What are you getting at, Forrest Green?
FORREST GREEN: Oh nothing. Except maybe (beat) there might be something in her past you do not know.
HAMILTON BEACH: If it’s the part about her spending a year in clown college after high school, I know all about that. She was young, and she liked red noses, big shoes and baggy pants. They brainwashed her. If I ever get my hands on those clowns…
FORREST GREEN: Oh no! This is something completely different.
HAMILTON BEACH: I also happen to know about her evil twin sister, Deborah, who you brainwashed into thinking she was my wife while Nina was undergoing secretive plastic surgery in a Central American clinic. She later became pregnant, but lost the baby and was then kidnapped by pirates and hasn’t been seen since.
FORREST GREEN: I forgot about that time. (beat) That was fun. (beat) No, I have something even more disturbing to tell you. (pause) Your wife, (beat) Nina, (beat) is my daughter.
HAMILTON BEACH: Noooooo!
TAYLOR: (From off-stage) CUT! (Lights dim and switch to general lighting)
(HAMILTON and FORREST drop out of character immediately. HAMILTON becomes SKYLAR (SKY) LARK. FORREST becomes GERRY ATTRICK, a crotchety, snarky old guy.)
GERRY: (Angrily) Who writes this crap? This has got to be one of the oldest jokes in the world.
(Taylor steps on to the set. He has a bottle of water in his hand.)
TAYLOR: What’s wrong today, Gerry? (He takes a drink from his water bottle, looks at it as if it tastes strange)
GERRY: This story line – It’s one of the oldest jokes in the book. A man has a wife, a girlfriend and a note at the bank, all a month past due. (pause) I could eat a can of alphabet soup and poop better story lines than this.
TAYLOR: Now Gerry, we have some of the best writers in the industry…
GERRY: What was the writer’s last job – writing run Spot run? See Spot run. See Spot jump. See Spot jump Jane.
SKY: (Now using a ‘hillbilly’ or southern accent) How was that take, Taylor?
TAYLOR: Having a good day, Sky? (He takes another drink from his water bottle, and looks at it with a funny expression on his face.)
SKY: I’m having a wonderful day. (preening himself) There’s nothing like good acting.
GERRY: And that’s what you’re giving us. (beat) (Emphasizing the first word) Nothing like good acting.
TAYLOR: Why don’t you go out and cross the street against the red light?
SKY: Was I not gritting my teeth enough, was that it? I’ve got a problem with my dentures since my last visit to the dentist, so I’m not really able to clench my jaw like I used ….
TAYLOR: Shut up, Sky. All right listen up. That was awful! Simply awful. Where was the drama? Where was the intensity?
GERRY: (he starts to exit) Here’s what I look like when I’m leaving.
TAYLOR: Hey, attention up here, old man. You can leave after you nail the scene, all right?
GERRY: It’s in my contract. (Pause) I can leave the set whenever I want.
TAYLOR: Do you want me to have you replaced? Cause I can do that! I’ve got a pile of bios and head shots of qualified actors who’d love to step into your role.
GERRY: (he stops) Last time I saw a mouth that big, it had a hook in it.
TAYLOR: We’re doing the scene again.
SKY: The whole thing?
TAYLOR: Yes (beat) the whole thing!
SKY: Aw jeez.
GERRY: This is ridiculous.
(Nicky, the assistant director, rushes over to Taylor.)
TAYLOR: (looking at Gerry) If I want any crap out of you (He makes a squeezing motion with his hands)… What is it, sweetheart?
NICKY: My name’s not sweetheart, it’s Nicky. I just got the ….
TAYLOR: (Snapping) The answer is no.
NICKY: (beat) … ratings for last week.
(She hands them to Taylor.)
TAYLOR: Aw dang it. I thought the plotline with the mutant cocker spaniel that was bitten by a radioactive spider would really bring in the viewers.
NICKY: I think the radioactive spider thing has already been done ...
TAYLOR: I’m not asking for your opinion, all right babe? Why don’t you do your job and set up the props again. We’re re-doing the scene.
NICKY: Fine.
GERRY: We haven’t addressed the story line issue yet.
TAYLOR: There is no story line issue! Just read your lines the way they were written.
GERRY: (angrily) I’ll read these lines over your dead body!
SKY: Gerry, we’ll deal with it later, okay? But before we do the scene over, Taylor, can I make some adjustments to my costume?
TAYLOR: No.
NICKY: Places! I think.
TAYLOR: (To control booth.) You ready in the control booth?
CBV: No.
TAYLOR: You’re not ready?
CBV: I just sit here and push buttons, what do you think?
TAYLOR: Love the attitude up there. (beat) OK! Let’s take it from Hamilton’s entrance. (beat) And ... Five Four Three Two…
(Lights up on SR) (GERRY and SKY resume their characters perfectly, except this time they are even more passionate and intense. Extremely, extremely intense. SKY enters with the cane in the other hand and limping on the other foot. TAYLORr returns to his seat just off stage.)
FORREST GREEN: Ah, Hamilton Beach. How nice of you to stop by. What can I do for you?
HAMILTON BEACH: I’ll get right to the point, Forrest Green. I know that your company, French Letter Industries, is in a financial dilemma.
FORREST GREEN: I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’ve been a business competitor for many years and have been trying to take over my company ever since I first met you. (Indicating the bar behind him) Scotch?
HAMILTON BEACH: The last time I touched your scotch I ended up in a mental hospital for three months. Do you still buy your scotch from that Mexican shaman who infuses it with peyote? I think I’ll decline the scotch this time, even though it looks (pause) pretty good.
FORREST GREEN: As you wish, Hamilton Beach. (Opening the cigar box on the desk.) Cigar?
HAMILTON BEACH: The last time I smoked one of your cigars I came to as a crew member on a ship operated by pirates from Somalia. We captured 3 freighters and held the crew, the ships and contents for ransom for two months before I was able to escape. Your cigar not only affected by mind, but it affected my taste buds for over a year after that. Everything tasted like garlic. I couldn’t enjoy a simple glass of orange juice because it tasted like garlic. So, thank you, but (pause) no thanks.
FORREST GREEN: As you wish, Hamilton Beach, as you wish.
HAMILTON BEACH: I’ll ask you again, what’s it going to take for you to step down and take the retirement you so richly deserve?
FORREST GREEN: (Thinking for a second) Have a seat.
HAMILTON BEACH: I think not. The last time I sat in one of your chairs it was coated with oil from a poison ivy plant. I spent 2 months in the hospital recovering from the rashes all over my body. So, (pause) thank you very much, I think I’ll stand. But, I appreciate the sentiment.
FORREST GREEN: Too bad, because if you were to sit down, together we could write a better story line.
TAYLOR: CUT! (Lights dim and switch to general lighting. TAYLOR reenters the stage.) What in the heck are you doing?!
(They break out of character.)
SKY: I really wanted to fill out the backside of these pants, so I was kind of standing more like this ... is there a way we could sew some padding ...
TAYLOR: Not you, idiot.
GERRY: Do you think you scare me? I’ve seen fourteen directors on this show, okay? I’m going to my trailer and have some tea and if you don’t like it you can put it in a letter and mail it to someone who cares.
TAYLOR: No one writes letters any more you fossil!
GERRY: Here’s what I look like when I’m leaving.
(GERRY leaves.)
TAYLOR: That’s the way you want to play, huh? Your character is going to end up dead one of these days! You know that! Dead!
(GERRY returns.)
GERRY: My character has been killed nine times already, all right? I’m not scared about number ten. I keep coming back.
TAYLOR: Go to hell, Gerry.
GERRY: I can’t. The devil has a restraining order against me. (He leaves again.)
(SKY approaches, holding a copy of Soap Opera Digest.)
SKY: I’m concerned Taylor. I’m not on the list of daytime TV’s sexiest hunks ... and I was on it last year, so I’m wondering what happened ... and I’m thinking we need to increase my appeal, you know? What if we did some swimsuit scenes where we get a body double ...
TAYLOR: Sky, as much as I appreciate your soul-crushing insecurities, we have a show to do. And your rear end is not the only draw on the show ….
SKY: But I’m just saying ….
TAYLOR: Quiet. We’re moving on. Scene Two!
SKY: (Angrily - while leaving) They name streets after people like you. (beat) ONE WAY!
NICKY: Places for Scene Two! We need Laurel and Kelly! Laurel and Kelly!
(Barbie, 20ish, enters as Nicky rearranges the set for Laurel’s living room.)
BARBIE: Oh my Gosh I am so excited to be here! This is so wonderful everyone!
TAYLOR: Thanks. Where’s Laurel?
BARBIE: She’s in her dressing room. She is so just so talented, don’t you think? I just love her!
NICKY: Laurel! Places!
(Summer enters in costume, holding her coffee and grumbling.)
SUMMER: What.
NICKY: Places for Scene Two!
SUMMER: Fine.
TAYLOR: All right ladies, let’s get some fur flying in this one okay?
SUMMER: Am I some kind of animal to you?
TAYLOR: No I just ... I want conflict.
SUMMER: Like a catfight, right? Cause I’m a woman? Is that what you think?
BARBIE: I’m a woman! Real fur flying! Got it. Meow.
SUMMER: You’re a twit.
BARBIE: That’s so nice of you to say that.
NICKY: Okay everyone. Places!
SUMMER: Sure.
BARBIE: Um…I forgot where places was.
NICKY: You’re coming into the room.
BARBIE: Awesome. Got it.
NICKY: Summer you’re ...
SUMMER: (Rude) Yea, yea, I know where I am.
TAYLOR: And ... Five Four Three Two…...
(Lights on up SL. Soap Opera music again.)
(LAUREL GREEN, the heroine, [played by SUMMER] is sunnily cleaning up, perhaps humming a sweet little song as KELLY, an angry teenager, [played by BARBIE] enters in a huff.)
LAUREL: Oh you’re home!
KELLY: Hello, mother.
LAUREL: I was just cleaning up a little bit before dinner. You said you were bringing your new fiancé.
KELLY: Clean all you want, it won’t make a difference.
LAUREL: Sweetheart ...
KELLY: Don’t you understand, mother? You’ve lost. The game is over.
LAUREL: I just want you to be happy.
KELLY: Do you?
LAUREL: Of course I do honey, you’ve been through so much, with the kidnapping by those terrorists, and the mind erasing by that psychiatrist who works for Al Queda, and the complete personality change you’ve undergone, I’m just glad that everything is back to normal.
KELLY: I’m glad to hear that, mother. I’d like you to meet my fiancé.
(SANDY BEACH [played by TOM PHOOLARY], wearing an eyepatch, but still looking devilishly handsome, enters.)
LAUREL: (Gasping) Sandy Beach!
SANDY: Nice to see you again, Laurel.
LAUREL: It can’t be! This isn’t possible!
KELLY: We’re in love, mother. We’ll be married in three days.
LAUREL: You can’t do this! You don’t understand who this man is!
SANDY: I’ve changed, Laurel. I’m no longer the man who poisoned your pet tarantula. Although I will say, his screams were exquisite.
LAUREL: Tarantulas don’t scream!
SANDY: Yours did.
LAUREL: You monster! (To KELLY) Darling I won’t let you do this.
KELLY: You just don’t get it, do you, mother? You’re the monster, not Sandy! I don’t care that he has an eye patch, I love him! And I don’t care if he drives 20 miles through downtown traffic with his left turn blinker on, because I love him (beat) and I know he will eventually turn left (beat) or right. He’s not as smart as his twin brother Rocky, who’s a doctor, but I love him and want to be with him.
LAUREL: I raised you better than this!
KELLY: You didn’t raise me, the nanny raised me!
LAUREL: HOW DARE YOU?!
KELLY: This relationship is over!
LAUREL: You can’t say that!
KELLY: I just did!
LAUREL: You ungrateful child!
KELLY: You’re not my mother any more, do you hear me?! (louder) Do you hear me? Next time I see you, you’ll just be some nice lady in a kitchen who likes to do the dusting every once in a while and occasionally bakes apple pies. And I might take a piece of apple pie, but…(emphasizing each word) I’ll. Pay. You. For. It. (Pause) I’m leaving! And I won’t be home for dinner! We’re going to Taco Ding-Dong.
LAUREL: Their tacos are substandard!
KELLY: That’s good enough for me! Come fiancé!
(She exits. SANDY remains for a moment.)
SANDY: Oh one more thing. (Dramatic pause.) Would you like chicken…or fish at the wedding?
(He laughs evilly and exits.)