SPLAT by Delia Merchan Herran

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

Cast of characters in order of appearance
Narrator: Male or female
Elephants: At least 4 Elephants...doubling up as paramedics in Act 2
Crocodiles: Any number of crocodiles…Lazy and lying on the river bank
Hippos: Any number of hippopotami basking in a shallow pool of water
Harry Hippo: A hippopotamus that is a little shy because of his weight.
Harry Hippo’s sister A female hippo that waltzes with Harry
Zebras: Any number of zebras, noisy and excited
Laffy: A Zebra filled with joy and anxiety
Stephanie Stork: A female news reporter
Cameraman: Male or female
Bedford Beaver: Hardworking but rather arrogant
Mallord Duck: Self-centered and selfish
Hoot the Owl: Wise but always tired
King Lion: A King with attitude
Corban Cobra: An honest serpent
Octavius Otter: King Lion’s most faithful servant
Journalist Storks: Two storks interviewing the animals
Goslings: Selling newspapers
Ronald Rooster: A rooster from the countryside
Magpies: Three magpies who are able to rap
Five ducklings: Cheerleader-type ducklings
Splatypus: The platypus

ACT 1
Scene 1
SETTING: We are on the riverbank. The Music of “Compromise” is heard.
NARRATOR
It is the middle of summer and the river; this is where all the animals come to refresh themselves from the hot summer sun. Every animal performing their ritual to get some relief from the heat.
The animals come onto stage.
A herd of elephants are having a mud bath, crocodiles are on the riverbank with their mouths ajar and a bloat of hippos are in a shallow pool of water. One elephant starts flapping her ears excessively.
ELEPHANT 1
It is SO hot today. This is the one day I wish I was Dumbo.
ELEPHANT 2
This mud bath is just what the doctor ordered. It is doing my skin the world of good. I must say I really look great for a sixty-year-old! I understand why humans use mud masks.
ELEPHANT 1
It definitely slows down the ageing process.
The elephants nod in agreement.
CROCODILE 1
Good morning to you.
CROCODILE 2
Good morning to you mate!

CROCODILE 1
Isn’t it a glorious day? I just came back from my dental check-up. All good here. (Pointing at his teeth). Just a quick question mate…. How much time do you spend brushing your teeth in the morning?
CROCODILE 2
Two minutes of course. Two minutes exactly.
CROCODILE 1
I think you need to brush longer. Look at the decay!
Crocodile 1 stares into Crocodile 2’s mouth
CROCODILE 2
I do my best.
CROCODILE 1
Fortunately, we are polyphyodonts.
CROCODILE 2
Poly…what?
CROCODILE 1
Polyphyodonts… our 80 teeth are always replaced by new ones.
CROCODILE 2
You are so clever using those “poly” words… MY question to you “genius” …why do you go to dentist every month, if our teeth are always being replaced?
CROCODILE 1
Thoughtfully stares into blank space.

Harry Hippo hides under the Lilly pads and scares his sister with a sudden splash. All the animals laugh.


HARRY HIPPO sings:
I’m Harry the Hippo and this is my sis
We live in the river, life is a bliss
SPLASH! in the water, I give her a fright
She tries to catch me …
Harry’s sister catches him
I’m not that light!
Harry and his sister start to waltz and the other animals swing to the beat and hum the tune until the end of the song.

The Zebras come running onto stage barking and braying and making a huge racket. They take their place next to the river. Finally, Laffy the Zebra runs onto stage at full speed, takes a few gulps of water and Laffy starts to sing.

LAFFY
I am Laffy, sometimes happy running all around
I’m so fast I do not touch the ground
Try to stop me, why not match me, catch me if you can
Look for speed, you know that I’m your man!

Muscal interlude:
Laffy runs around and looks at the audience rather startled and starts to sing again.

I am Laffy, sometimes happy, running all around
I’m so scared I do not touch the ground
I feel giddish, also skittish, who’s behind me now?
You’ll not catch me; I will not allow.

Sandra Stork comes onto stage and tries to interview Laffy

SANDRA STORK
Laffy, could I ask you a few questions please?

LAFFY
No comment!
Laffy rushes off stage.
All the animals shrug, very confused by Laffy’s strange behaviour. Sandra Stork faces the audience.

SANDRA STORK
Nothing is… Black or White with Laffy! Oh, the irony!

NARRATOR
And then there is Bedford the Beaver and Mallord the Duck.
Bedford and Mallord step forward.
The scene is mimed by Bedford and Mallord as the narrator describes the scenario.

NARRATOR
…always having a heated debate like two members of parliament. Everyday Bedford would swim downstream to collect branches to start building a home and once he had strategically placed every branch in the correct position, he would swim off again to fetch another batch. In the meantime, Mallord would do his best to destroy Bedford’s hard work because he felt the river belonged to everyone…and it especially belonged to him…and he believed Bedford’s dam-building was a very selfish act. As soon as Bedford returned with another batch of sticks, the two rivals would be at it again, debating the inevitable.

Bedford and Mallord sing a duet
BEDFORD
It’s mine,
MALLORD
no mine,
BEDFORD
it’s mine you’ll see
MALLORD
It’s mine,
BEDFORD
no mine!
BEDFORD AND MALLORD
We cannot agree

MALLORD
I’ve lived longer,
BEDFORD
I’m the stronger!
MALLORD
Mine,
BEDFORD
NO MINE…
BEDFORD AND MALLORD
this belongs to ME!

BEDFORD
It’s mine,
MALLORD
no mine,
BEDFORD
it’s mine you’ll see
MALLORD
It’s mine,
BEDFORD
no mine!
BEDFORD AND MALLORD
Just you wait and see
MALLORD
I’ve lived longer,
BEDFORD
I’m the stronger!
MALLORD
Mine,
BEDFORD
NO MINE…
BEDFORD AND MALLORD
this belongs to ME!
NO, ME!
NARRATOR
Day after day, the same scenario would play itself out on the riverbank…the elephants, the crocodiles, Harry scaring his sister, Laffy making a grand entrance… and exit… and the great debate would start all over again. How would this issue ever be resolved?