Streets of Old New York by Edward Crosby Wells
SCENE ONE : The bank office of GIDEON BLOODGOOD.
DUF: Welcome to the streets of old New York. Our play is set near the end of the
19th Century: A time when there were villains to hiss and boo at and heroes and heroines
to cheer for-a time when there were songs to sing, and everybody sang them. Tonight, we
invite you to join in our revelry by hissing and booing, throwing popcorn and peanuts-but most
of all, to sing along with us!
(ENTIRE CAST fills the stage)
DUF: Are you ready? I said, are you ready? Then, lets warm up those vocal cords.
(ALL sing)
SIDEWALKS OF NEW YORK
Lyrics: James W. Blake and Charles E. Lawlor
Music: James W. Blake and Charles E. Lawlor
East Side, West Side, all around the town
The kids sang “ring around rosie”, “London Bridge is falling down”
Boys and girls together, me and Mamie O'Rourke
We tripped the light fantastic on the sidewalks of New York
East Side, West Side, all around the town
Sweet Mamie grew up and bough herself a sweet little Alice-blue gown
All the fellas dug her, you should have heard them squark
When I escorted Mamie round the sidewalks of New York
East Side, West Side, riding through the parks
We started swinging at Jilly's then we split to P.J.Clark's
On to Chuck's Composite, then a drink at The Stork
We won't get home until morning 'cause we're going to take a walk
On the sidewalks of New York
ALL exit except DUF.
DUF: They call me Duf. I was raised by pirates, until I escaped the Black Barnacle
- a ship of thieves and cutthroats sailing under the jolly roger. I washed ashore down
where the Hudson spills into the mighty Atlantic. I was a mere scallywag of a tadpole.
I came to Five Points and begged for my daily bread and I've been a beggar ever since.
I knows my name is Duf 'cause it's printed right here. (Holding out medal that hangs on
a chain around his neck.) D-U-F, Duf, that's m' name-Duf the beggar. (Pause.) Now,
what would a melodrama be without a villain? Meet our villain. As mean a villain as you ever
want to meet!
GIDEON BLOODGOOD enters and takes his position onstage
DUF holds out his hand in BLOODGOOD's directio
DUF: Please, sir, can you spare poor ol' Duf the beggar a penny or two? (No response.)
Thought not. (A beat.) This is Gideon Bloodgood. But his blood is bad, very bad, as you
will soon find out. He owns the Bloodgood Bank of New York. He is in his office and you
are about to witness his unholy treachery as he performs his dastardly deeds.
BLOODGOOD: (Unfreezes. Reads from sheet of paper and then suddenly crumples it within
his mean and angry hands.) As I expected! Every stock is down, and my last effort to retrieve
my fortune has plunged me into utter ruin. The Bloodgood Bank is officially bankrupt. But, the
money's in my pocket and in my pocket it stays. Ha, ha, ha.
DUF: This would be a good time to boo. (Leads the audience into booing.) Boo-o-o.
BADGER: (Enters.) Mr. Bloodgood, sir.
BLOODGOOD: Can you not see that I am busy, Badger?
BADGER: Sir, the building committee of St. Peter's new church has come for the donation
you promised them. They'd like a thousand dollars.
BLOODGOOD: Tell them to come back tomorrow. And, lock the doors! It is past banking
hours.
BADGER exits
BLOODGOOD: (Aside.) Tomorrow my daughter and I will be safe on board a ship bound for
Liverpool. My dear little girl, my beautiful Alida will be safe from the troubles and wants of the
poor out there on the streets of New York.
BADGER: (Enters.) They will return tomorrow, sir.
BLOODGOOD: Don't you ever knock?
BADGER: Knock, sir?
DUF: Oh, excuse me. Knock, knock!
BLOODGOOD: Who's there?
BADGER: It's me, your head clerk.
BLOODGOOD: Why are you still shilly-shallying around after business hours?
BADGER: I've discovered a few problems with your accounting.
BLOODGOOD: My accounting?
BADGER: The books. They are cooked, sir-like a goose on Christmas.
BLOODGOOD: My goose?
BADGER: Yup. Your goose is cooked!
BLOODGOOD: Have you told anybody about this, Badger?
BADGER: Not a soul. But, I have taken the liberty of leaving a letter to be opened just
in case I should go missing . . . or something. For more than two years I have carefully
watched your business transactions; when you thought me idle, my hands were everywhere:
in your books, in your safe, in your vaults, in places I won't even mention. If you doubt me
question me about your operations for the last three months.
BLOODGOOD: This is treachery! You are despicable!
BADGER: Thank you, sir. There is an old seafaring gentleman in the lobby waiting
for a receipt to be written in your hand for a deposit in the sum of one hundred
thousand dollars. His name is Captain Fairweather. He is in the India Trade.
BLOODGOOD: One hundred thousand dollars! (Aside.) With that kind of money I could
save the bank and my reputation as well.
BADGER: It is his life's savings and he would like to deposit it before leaving his family
over in Brooklyn while he sails for China. He's says he's got a weak ticker, so he'd like
to leave his money with us, just in case something happens-if you get my meaning.
BLOODGOOD: Show the old salt in, Badger. (BADGER exits. Aside.) This may yet
prove a fortuitous Friday the 13th. (
BADGER and FAIRWEATHER enter
BADGER: Mr. Bloodgood, this is Captain Fairweather.
BLOODGOOD: (Jumps towards FAIRWEATHER, shouting.) Aye, aye, Captain!
CAPTAIN FAIRWEATHER: (A very weak and old sailor.) Oh! My heart! You startled
me, sir. I need to catch my breath. I've a weak, old heart, I have.
BLOODGOOD: Of course you do. Badger here should have warned me.
BADGER: But, I did . . .
BLOODGOOD: (Cutting him off.) A good first mate is hard to find, aye?
CAPTAIN FAIRWEATHER: You don't know the half of it, sir.
BLOODGOOD: Perhaps, but the portion I do know causes me to lose many a good
night's sleep.
BADGER: (Aside.) There is nary a good night's sleep for the wicked.
CAPTAIN FAIRWEATHER: Tomorrow I sail for China. Today I bethought me of your bank.
Your name stands beyond suspicion. I would like to deposit one hundred thousand dollars
- all the money I have in this world. I can sleep nightly with the happy assurance that
whatever happens to me, my dearest ones will be well provided for.
BADGER:(To the CAPTAIN.) You may pull your nightcap over your ears and sleep like
a baby. (Aside.) While Bloodgood pulls the wool over his eyes.
BLOODGOOD: Mr. Badger, would you be so kind as to go about your chores while the
good captain and I finish up a bit of business. (BADGER frowns and exits.) Now, where
were we? Ah, yes. You were about to hand over-make a deposit-of one hundred
thousand dollars for safekeeping.
CAPTAIN FAIRWEATHER: Indeed, sir. This money is for the future of my beautiful
children, Paul and Lucy. (Hands over the money.) I shall require a receipt, sir.
BLOODGOOD: (Shouting.) Of course, of course!
CAPTAIN FAIRWEATHER: (Grabbing his heart.) You frighten me, sir. Loud and
unexpected noises bring me closer to my Creator.
BLOODGOOD: (Loudly.) Really? (Softly.) I mean, really? Ah, the bosom of the
Lord is a comforting place, is it not?
CAPTAIN FAIRWEATHER: Aye, it is, sir.
BLOODGOOD: It certainly is. (Writing receipt.) "New York, Friday the 13th of
(Shouts in the CAPTAIN'S ear.) Comfortable?
CAPTAIN FAIRWEATHER: (Startled.) Aye-aye. Quite.
BLOODGOOD: Good, good. Where was I?
CAPTAIN FAIRWEATHER: Friday the 13th.
BLOODGOOD: (Continues writing.) Indeed. 1878. Received, on special deposit, from-
CAPTAIN FAIRWEATHER: Captain Fairweather, of the good ship Danny Boy, of New
York-named after me poor dead son, bless his heart.
BLOODGOOD: Captain Fairweather, of the good ship Danny Boy, of . . . (Shouting into
the CAPTAIN'S ear.) One hundred thousand dollars!
CAPTAIN FAIRWEATHER: (In pain.) My heart, sir, my heart . . .
BLOODGOOD: Yes, You have a good heart, sir!
CAPTAIN FAIRWEATHER: No, no . . . my heart is . . . is . . .
BLOODGOOD: (Still shouting.) . . . is as big as all Creation! Now I shall stamp your receipt!
(Rubber-stamping the receipt loudly.) Wait!
CAPTAIN FAIRWEATHER: (About to pass out.) What?
BLOODGOOD: I forgot. (Jumping up and down.) I forgot to sign it! (Signs it and puts it into
the CAPTAIN'S hand.) THERE! YOUR RECEIPT, SIR! (Jumping up and down a few more
times, attempting to give the CAPTAIN a heart attack. Shortly, the CAPTAIN looks up, startled,
and then he keels over, dead. The receipt falls to the floor and BLOODGOOD pockets the money)
Enter BADGER
DUF: Knock, knock.
BLOODGOOD: Had your ear to the door, did you?
BADGER: Of course. Surely, you would expect nothing less.
BLOODGOOD: We had a little mishap.
BADGER: So I see.
BLOODGOOD: Is he . . .?
BADGER: Purple, sir?
BLOODGOOD: No, no, is he . . . you know . . .?
BADGER: Blue about the lips with eyes about to pop?
BLOODGOOD: No, no, is he . . . oh, c'mon, man! Is he or isn't he?
BADGER: I'd say he isn't. He was, but he ain't no more.
BLOODGOOD: You mean, he is dead?
BADGER: Yup. They don't get no deader. Apoplexy, I'd say. The cause is natural,
over-excitement and sudden emotion. Speaking of sudden emotion, your daughter,
Miss Alida is in the carriage at the door, screaming to be admitted. She has torn her
nurse's face in a fearful manner. Quite a bloody mess actually. Children! They are the
devils in disguise, aren't they? Mark my words, that little Alida will be your undoing.
And by the way, sir, I will require a sizable payoff to remain mum, if you know what
I mean.
BLOODGOOD: Precisely. You yearn for joy and sweeter days.
BADGER: I hear it is summer year-round in California. But, it takes a great deal of
money to get there, my dear Gideon.
BLOODGOOD: You shall have all you deserve, my dear Badger.
SOME SWEET DAY
Words by Edward L. Park
Music by William Howard Doane
BLOODGOOD: We shall reach the summer land,
Some sweet day, by and by,
We shall press the golden strand,
Some sweet day, by and by;
O the loved ones watching there,
By the tree of life so fair,
Till we come their joy to share, Some sweet day, by and by.
BOTH: By and by some sweet day,
We shall meet our lov'd ones gone,
Some sweet day by and by.