Summer Stock by David Cope
The stage is divided into two parts:
Stage left [called STAGE-ONSTAGE] is the stage of a small theater with
its own curtains. Stage right [called STAGE-OFFSTAGE] shows offstage,
where the crew runs the small curtains for stage left and cues the
actors on and off the stage through a door [called STAGE-DOOR] between
STAGE-OFFSTAGE and STAGE-ONSTAGE.
The STAGE-OFFSTAGE curtain pulls, lighting boards and other expected
paraphernalia. This STAGE-OFFSTAGE also has two other doors: one at
rear marked OUTSIDE, one to stage right marked GREENROOM.
Actors talk, crew talks softly but audibly, or whispers unintelligible
things to one another.
Both the STAGE-OFFSTAGE and the STAGE-ONSTAGE have boxes [bombs] in
their right corners visible to audience.
Curtains of STAGE-ONSTAGE closed at beginning. DICK and ALICE behind
curtains, CLIVE in GREENROOM, LEE, and ROY in STAGE-OFFSTAGE.
ACT I
LEE: Where the hell is Clive? He's late.
ROY: Probably hung over.
CLIVE (walking into STAGE-OFFSTAGE from GREENROOM; speaks as if
finishing ROY's statement) Not!
LEE: Where's your script?
CLIVE: Oh, yeah. (turns and goes back into GREENROOM again)
ROY: See?
LEE: Didn't smell it on his breath.
ROY: The rest of them out there?
LEE: Seems so. Might even begin on time if Clive hurries his ass.
CLIVE: Which one of you two idiots stole it?
ROY: Right. We stole it now?
CLIVE: Not in my dressing room. (pause) Where the hell is it?
ROY: Didn't take it. Would have been a good idea though. Have to
remember that.
CLIVE: Where could it be, then?
ALICE: (from behind curtain on STAGE-ONSTAGE) Get in here, Clive.
CLIVE: (calling into STAGE-ONSTAGE) Can I read from one of your
scripts?
DICK: (from behind curtain on STAGE-ONSTAGE) You hung over again?
CLIVE: No. Just can't find my script.
ALICE: Jesus. What's with you, anyway?
ROY: Good question.
DICK: Get in here. We'll figure something out. I got a lunch date.
ROY: Probably with that blond in the front office.
LEE: The one with the big . . .
CLIVE: I'm coming, I'm coming. (goes through the STAGE-DOOR to the
STAGE-ONSTAGE) Hey, where's my chair?
ROY: Jesus. It's a wonder he remembered his toupée.
LEE: Didn't notice. Did he?
ROY: What?
LEE: Remember his toupée?
ROY: Come to think of it, I didn't notice that either. Must have.
CLIVE: Get me a damn chair, will someone back there?
LEE: Sure.
ROY: Well?
LEE: Well what?
ROY: Get him a damn chair.
LEE: Why me?
ROY: You said 'sure.' Why should I get it? You get it.
CLIVE: Get me a Goddamn chair, damn it.
ROY: Get him his Goddamn chair, damn it.
LEE (shrugs, pulls a chair from a rack and takes it to STAGE-ONSTAGE
behind curtain)
CLIVE: Took you long enough. What are they paying you shits back
there, anyway?
LEE: Not enough to put up with asses like you, that's for sure.
(walks back to STAGE-OFFSTAGE and into view)
ROY: Grateful son of a bitch, ain't he?
LEE: Not enough words to describe the idiot. (yelling) Ready for
curtain?
ALICE: Why not?
ROY: Why not, she asks.
LEE: Why not? (pulls the rope and the curtain opens on the
STAGE-ONSTAGE to a table and the three actors around it)
PA: (loud and long canned applause)
CLIVE: Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
ALICE: What? What? What? What? What?
CLIVE: We don't need that. Not for a read-through.
ALICE: Quiet, I think Dick's asleep. Maybe we should sit here until
he wakes up.
DICK: Funny. Resting my eyes. Long night of studying lines.
CLIVE: First time for everything.
ROY: Got that right.
ALICE: What's this play called, anyway?
CLIVE: Script says "Untitled."
DICK: Maybe that is the title.
ALICE: Untitled?
ROY: Makes sense to me.
LEE: Nobody had enough guts to title it.
PA: You, offstage. Keep it quiet back there.
LEE: Right, Boss.
CLIVE: Let's just begin, okay? We're wasting time.
ALICE: Who's who?
CLIVE: I'm not sure. I think I'm Billy.
DICK: I'm Bob.
CLIVE: Billie Bob?
ALICE: Then I must be Jean. That make sense?
CLIVE: Let's try it and see what happens. Should become clear as we
go along.
ALICE: Right. Then you're up first, Clive.
CLIVE: What's Europe got to do with anything?
ALICE: What?
DICK: You're up. Europe. Forget it. Don't listen to him.
CLIVE: What are you two talking about?
ALICE: Your stupid pun, that's what.
CLIVE: No, that's my first line.
DICK: Wait. Just wait. We're already off track. Start again, Okay?
CLIVE: What are you two talking about?
PA: Begin again, will you. This time with a little emotion.
CLIVE: Not much to give with my line, but I'll try. What's my
motivation?
PA: You're curious. Seriously curious.
CLIVE: In an untitled play?
PA: Just do it.
CLIVE: What are you two jabbering about?
PA: You know what I'm talking about.
CLIVE: No. That's my first line. I did it with emotion this time.
PA: So you did. Sorry. Try it again.
CLIVE: What are you two talking about?
ALICE: You.
CLIVE: Me?
ALICE: Yes, you.
CLIVE: Why?
DICK: You're acting sunny.
CLIVE: Sunny?
PA: Sunny?
DICK: What it says in the script.
PA: Right.
DICK: So, it's supposed to be 'funny?'
PA: Yes. Let's begin again, okay? This time, keep going no matter
what the script says.
CLIVE: What are you two talking about?
ALICE: You.
CLIVE: Me?
ALICE: Yes, you.
CLIVE: Why?
DICK: You're acting funny.
CLIVE: Why do you say that?
DICK: Because it's my line.
PA: Okay, guys. This is ridiculous. Once more from the top. With
feeling. And no more screwing around, or we'll never get through it
this morning. Work with me, here.
CLIVE: What are you two talking about?
ALICE: You.
CLIVE: Me?
ALICE: Yes, you.
CLIVE: Why?
DICK: You're acting funny.
CLIVE: Why do you say that?
DICK: Because you are. Ever since you off'd Sammy the Stud. (starts
to laugh) Do I have to say that? Couldn't we name him Barry the
Butt?
ALICE: And "off'd." That's pretty cheesy.
PA: In the script.
DICK: All right, but I can't guarantee I won't lose it at that
point.
PA: You're a professional. You'll make it happen. Start at that
point.
DICK: Because you are. Ever since you off'd Sammy the Stud.
(everyone laughs, even PA)
ROY: No wonder it's untitled.
PA: All right. Let's make it "killed Sammy." How about that?
DICK: Maybe. But now that it's in my mind as "off'd Sammy the
Stud" it'll come back to me every time I say Sammy. See what I
mean?
DICK: We do now. That's what'll make it so funny.
PA: Okay. How about "that guy." "Ever since you killed that
guy." Say it as if everyone on stage knows who you're talking
about. Won't that work?
DICK: Ever since you killed that guy.
ALICE: We beginning again?
PA: Yes. Right on that line.
DICK: Ever since you killed that guy.
CLIVE: What guy?
PA: That's not your line.
CLIVE: But "I didn't off Sammy the Stud" set up a lot of other
lines. They gotta change, too, if you take "Sammy the Stud" out.
PA: Haven't the time to rewrite the whole script. We'll just have
to leave it the way it was. Keep a straight face. So let's begin at
that line. Use your professional skills to ignore your desire to
laugh.
DICK: Because you are. Ever since you off'd Sammy the Stud.
(long pause, no one laughs, but they're holding it in, shaking)
CLIVE: I didn't off Sammy the Stud.
ALICE: We saw you do it. Don't you remember?
CLIVE: Sammy the Stud? When?
DICK: Last night. You we're at the bar and thought no one was
looking. But we were in the room next door. And you off'd Sammy the
Stud. Right there at the bar.
(they've been holding it in and the last mention of
Sammy the Stud makes them break out in hysterical laughter)
PA: Okay. Maybe we should replace Sammy the Stud with "him" all
those later times. Get your pencils and do that.
CLIVE: But if we're doing that, why not replace "Sammy the Stud"
with another name?
PA: Okay, okay. What's your preference?
ALICE: I like Otto.
DICK: Why?
ALICE: It's a palindrome. Spelled backwards the same as forwards.
PA: Otto it is then. If we come across 'Sammy the Stud' anywhere
else, replace it with "he," "him," Otto," or whatever else
seems appropriate. All right?
DICK: Right.
PA: Begin at the written line "Because you are. Ever since you
off'd Sammy the Stud."
DICK: Because you are. Ever since you off'd Otto.
CLIVE: I didn't off Otto.
ALICE: We saw you do it. Don't you remember?
CLIVE: Otto? When?
DICK: Last night. You we're at the bar and thought no one was
looking. But we were in the room next to the bar. And you off'd
Otto. Right there in the bar.
CLIVE: I tell you I didn't off Otto. It was someone else that
off'd him.
ALICE: Who? No one else hated (pause) Otto as much as you did.
CLIVE: I didn't hate Otto. He hated me.
DICK: Why'd you kill him then?
CLIVE: I didn't kill him.
ROY: I'm just glad Otto's dead.
ALICE: Who did it?
CLIVE: That's what we got to find out.
ROY: Or they'll be no play.
DICK: How?
CLIVE: By tracing his steps before he got there. Figure out which of
those that hated him the most would've killed him.
PA: Okay. Otto works. So when you get a chance, strike all the
'Sammy the Studs' you got and make the replacements. I need more
emotion though. And look at one another occasionally. I know it's
just a read through, but we got to start sometime. (applause suddenly
interrupts) PA: What the fuck was that?
ROY: Wasn't me.
LEE: Not me.
CLIVE: Not any of us.
PA: Not me either. Got a ghost up here. All right, take it where you
left off.
ALICE: Where was that?
CLIVE: After I say, "Figure out which of those that hated him the
most would've killed him."
PA: More emotion.
CLIVE: I was just telling her where we left off, not saying my lines.
PA: Okay. Start there then.
CLIVE: Figure out which of those that hated him the most would've
killed him.
DICK: That will work. I can ask the bartender.
ALICE: And I can find out when he left his apartment.
CLIVE: I'll see if he took a cab.
ROY: I'll puke in the john.
LEE: I'm asleep.
PA: Good job. Any questions?
ALICE: I'm having trouble finding my motivation.
PA: Your what?
ALICE: My motivation. You know, why I give a shit about Otto.
CLIVE: I give a shit about Otto because you guys claimed I murdered
him.
DICK: I don't have a clue why I care.
PA: Motivations will be revealed as the play continues.
ROY: So you say.
CLIVE: I say let's start over again and see how it goes with these
corrections in mind.