Testers by Tony Philips

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

Act 1 – Scene 1 (Curtain remains down)

CA – (Walks on stage left. Curtain remains down).
(Clears throat. Lifts up a scroll. Unrolls it.)
(Pause)
(Clears throat again.)
CA – In a galaxy far far away....what the?
CA - (Signals to someone off stage left and waves scroll questioningly.)

Offstage cast – (mutterings from off the stage.)

CA - (mutters back, hands on hips)
CA – What?

CA – (turns scroll over. Looks triumphant.)

CA – In the beginning there was darkn.....
CA – (to off stage right, brandishes scroll questioningly.)
CA – (takes two steps towards stage right threateningly, stops, indicates scroll.)

Offstage Characters – (Throw a second scroll should be thrown on from stage right.)

CA – (Picks up new scroll, tiredly, muttering)
CA – (Opens scroll)
CA – (Clears throat)
CA – Wing it.... wing it? (Looks off stage right, questioningly)
CA – (Understanding) – Oh!
CA – Right.... er.... well.... (shades eyes and peers out at audience.)
CA – OK... thank you all so much for coming to see.. (sees someone in the audience, waves, points to watch, indicates 10 minutes, nods, mimes drinking, nods in direction of bar).

Offstage Character – (Off stage right, whisper loudly) “Oy!”
CA – (Turns to stage right. Tiresome) What?
CA – (resignedly) OK. Right then (sighs). Our little play starts off in the meeting hall of a small pharmaceutical company where a group of people are gathering for the annual 10K marathon.
CA – (Looks off stage right) OK?
CA – (Stalks off stage left. Gives whoever he saw in the audience the thumbs up.)

Curtain up (as soon as the CA gives the thumbs up. Background cast should start milling about)

(The three people all look thoughtful, eyes looking upwards.)

George1 , George2 and Jim
George1 – (Looks at George2, looks back at ceiling.
George2 – (Looks bored, looks at George1 then at Jim, sighs and looks back at ceiling}

Jim – (Looks hopefully at George1, then to George2 then back to George1. Sputters lips, flicks lips up and down with forefinger)
George1 – “Jim. Don’t do that.”
Jim – (Sighs. Looks at ceiling.)

(A young woman enters stage left.)
(All three come alert, sit up straight, put on sunglasses, assume posy statures, George1 and Jim muscles flexed, heads up, knowing looks. George2 , turns slightly to side, head lowered eyes raised, slight pout)
George1 – (grabs the bottle and squirts it on his chest.)
(The woman sniffs and walks straight past without a glance. Exits stage right.)
(All three slouch back, take off sunglasses, exchange slightly embarrassed looks then go back to staring upwards.)
Do this for about a minute.
George1 – “Aha” (triumphantly half stands.)
(The other two jump.)
George2 – (leans forward)
Jim – (Falls off chair. Gets up, sits down, stands up, see’s George2 leaning forward. Sits down and leans forward)
George1 – “Why don’t .. we...”
George2, Jim – (lean further forward.)
George1 – “Nah..” (Slumps back down into chair.)
George2 and Jim. (Exchange another glance then slouch back.)

A different woman enters stage left. All three sit up, assume the pose sunglasses on slight knowing smile.

George1 – (grabs the bottle again and squirts some more on his chest.)

The woman stops and sniffs.

George1, George2, Jim – (Enhance their poses as much as they can.)

(The woman sneezes then walks past. Exit stage right)

(They slump back dejectedly, glasses off.)

Jim – (picks up the bottle)
George1 and George2 (together) – “Ah! Ah! Ah!”
Jim – (Puts bottle back down and sneezes.)

(They all start staring in different directions.)

George1 – (starts trailing his finger on the table and taps it.)
George2 – (sighs loudly)
Jim – (splutters his lips)
George1 – (taps rhythmically)
George2 – (sighs in time to the rhythm)
Jim – (sputters his lips in time with the others)
All - (Develop the rhythm, get louder and more energetic.)

After 20 seconds Jim miss sputters and blows a raspberry instead
All – (laugh, sigh then resume staring.)

(Another woman enters stage right. All three quickly try and get their sun glasses on whilst posing.)

George1 (gets his sun glasses crooked.)
Jim (misses his face.)

(The woman stops and smiles at George2. Sniffs uncertainly, sneezes then walks on. Exit stage left.)

George1 and Jim look annoyed at George2 who shrugs sheepishly.

They all slouch back despondently.

A man enters stage left.
George2 (starts to assume the position then stops, looks round, hoping nobody noticed.
The man spots the bottle grabs it, sneezes and runs off stage right.)

(The three all leap to their feet and try and get after the man.)

Jim (falls over the table.)
George1 (falls over Jim falling over the table.)
George2 (stops to help George1 and Jim.)
All- (Give up. Sit back down. Look hopeless.)

(The woman that smiled at George2 enters stage left with two friends.)
George1, 2 and Jim (assumes the pose.)

(The women stop, look back. One blows a kiss. Giggling they walk on looking back occasionally. Exit stage right.)

George1 and Jim (leap to their feet.)
George2 (looks worried.)
Jim (runs off stage right.)
George1 (start following.)
George1 (comes back grabs George2 by the hand and pulls.)

George2 – “No!”,”Stop. George” (pulls back exasperated). “You’re not supposed to chase after them, ”You are supposed to see if the scent… “ (as if quoting). “… attracts positive interest from a person or persons of the opposite or same sex”.
George1 – spluttering “What? That was positive”, “I was just going to engage them in conversion about masculine smells and..”
George2 – “ Sure you were.” “Besides, I think they were ‘BOODY GROUPIES’ rather more interested in showing their allegiance to the famous rapper by grabbing your hat than your enhanced sex appeal”. "Phew, I'm glad that stuffs gone it was making my eye's go funny"
George1 – "They may have been interested in the hat AND found us, well, you, actually, extremely attractive..."

Jim (re-enters, stage right without his hat.)

Jim – “They took my hat.”
George1 – “Jim, you should not be so gullible. Anyone could see they were only interested in the hat. Now you’ll have to get another one or you’ll mess up our 'D'.”
George2 – “You’ll have to put in your report that formula 5B attracts thieves and makes people sneeze. We still haven't worked out what we can test after. We need to put on our non BOODY hats and decide whether it’s the supositories, hemetics or can you think of something better?

Two people enter; Jack and Julie, also dressed in black running gear and wearing bright orange gloves and “BOODY” hats.

Jack (looks around, sees George1, sneezes) – “You!”
George1 – “Me?"
George2 - "Jack?
Jim – “Julie”
George1 – (To Jack) “I thought you were off er....sick. Are you part of our 'D'.”
Julie - (Sneezes) "What is that smell?"
Jack – (squaring up to George1) “You .. you .. (struggles for words)..you..”


(makes a shape with thumb and index finger like an ‘L’ that he puts on his forehead)

George1 – “What’s that?”
Jack – “Looooseeer...loser”. (Looks round triumphantly)
George1 – “What ‘ you doing with your hand?”
Jack – “Looossseeer... That’s an ‘L’ ..Loooosssseeer”
Jim – (turns to George2), “Why’s he got his hand on his head like that?”
George2 – “Perhaps he’s got a headache. He's been sick.”
George1 – (aside to George2) “He says it’s an ‘L’”.
George2 – “Doesn’t look like an ‘L’”.
Jim – “Yeh. Looks more like a ‘K’”.
George2 – “Why would he have a ‘K’ on his head?”
Jack – (exhasperated) “It’s an ‘L’ ..Loooosssseeeer”
Jim – “Still looks like a ‘K’”.
Julie – “Jack! I think you should calm down.”
Jack – (hopping with frustration) “It’s an ‘L’ and means loser…..Loooossseeeer” (enhances the ‘L’ on his head.)
George2 – “You mean like this?” (makes an ‘L’ with her fingers and puts it on her forehead).
Jim – “Oh yeh! I’ve got it” (he does an L to his forehead as well).
George2 – “That’s not an ‘L’ that’s a ‘K’”
Jim – “No , this is a ‘K’” (he adds his middle finger to the symbol) “this is an ‘L’” (takes away the extra finger).
George2 – That’s an ‘R’. “Why would you put an ‘R’ on your forehead?”
Jim – (tittering) “An ‘R’ on your head .. get it?”
Everyone – blank looks
Jim – “An ‘R’.. (stress the R)..on his head” (laughs)
Everyone – Still blank
Jim – “Did you see what I did? … An R on his head. RRRRRRRR on his head?”
Everyone – Blank looks
Jim – “… an RRRRRs, not an R but an R…… RRRRRR…(fading) …RRRrrr”
Jack – “Its not an R or a K its an L” (he points at George1,) “an L for ‘Loser’”
George1 – “What did I lose?"
Jack – “Loooosssseeeerrrr” (emphasizes the’L’ on forehead.)
Jim – (sniggers and nudges George2).
George2 – “Oh yes, perhaps he’s talking about the spring meet, you were testing ‘Formula 23’don’t you remember George? There were a lot of dogs following you.” “Where did you come Jack?”
Jack – (not hearing) “Looossser”.
Jim – “I think I can do a ‘W’”.
Julie – (to George2)”He wasn't in it because of.....you know."
George2- "Oh..." (understanding)," ...you know."
George1 - "You know?"
George2 - (Through clenched teeth, nodding her head at Jack) "Yes. You know."
George1 - (understanding) "Oh.,You know!".
George2 (To George1) - "I think it was when you were getting money from the Bio Lab for testing that cream or jelly stuff".
Jim - "Yes you were, you had to dress as a sperm." (sniggers)
George2 - "Oh yes I remember, It was a very tight costume. You finished 140th " "
Jim (Laughing) would have been 115th if the costume hadn’t rubbed ....your bits
George2 - "That's right you had to stop."
George1 – “Yes, thank you Georgie. It was cramp”.
Jim – (Laughing a lot - to Julie) " he tried to make up for lost time"
George2 (laughing - to Julie) "rushed out of the tent”
Jim – (Laughing) “I was there.”
George1 – “They don't want to hear this"
Julie - "Yes we do"
George1 - "It was bad cramp"
Jim (clutching his sides) - "ran...." (has to pause from laughing)
George2 (leaning on Jim because of the laughing) " Jim was right beside him when it happened. Ran straight into a man in a wheelchair dressed as an Egg.
George1 - "No, he ran over me" (alarmed) – “Yes Jim, this is not the time…”
Jim – “..and somebody was filming it (laughing). It was all over U-Tube and in the local paper".
George2 - (laughing, wipes her eyes - underlining with hands) “Fertility problems. The egg fights back ”
Jim - (Laughing, clutching his sides) " The Egg bloke got in a right mood and attacked him with a whisk. Whacked him right in the …...sore bits."
George1 – “Yes. Thank you! That was all in the dim and distant past.”
George2 – “..oh yes." (Getting under control) "Anyway he got docked 25 places. Didn't get any sponsorship money either. They said he'd given them a bad name. ”
Jim - "More like a bad rash"
George1 – “Jim, George!” (Through gritted teeth), “They don’t want to hear this”.
Julie – “Is it still posted?”
George1 – “Anyway, we are digressing from the main point of ….”
Jack – “Come on Julie we need to see a man about a letter.” Looking back at George1 “What is that funny smell?”
Julie (apologetically) – “Sorry, has these little bouts then he’s alright again”
Jack and Julie exit stage right.
George1 – I thought he was off sick, you know mental type sick.”
Jim – “Off his rocker?”
George1 – “Wasn’t he one of the volunteers for Formula 15?”
Jim – “Round the bend”
George1 – “Yes that’s right. The fizzy formula. Certainly made him fizz.”
Jim – “Up balmy creek without a paddle.”
George1 – “It was just before the All comers 10K charity run”
Jim – “Nutty as a nut cutlet with a side of nuts”
George1 – “Took off like an express train. Did a lot of farting as I recall.”
George2 – “Yes, he did really well, the club awarded him a GIT. The Greatest Improvement Trophy for coming in 7th. He’s only ever managed 53rd before.”
George1 – “Don’t remind me. He seemed to be French kissing that trophy , ended up licking it. Took ages to clean off all his slobber..”
Jim – “More barking than a kennel of…”
George2 – “Jim! We get the point”
Jim – “Sorry. I was right next to him when he was snogging that trophy. It was really funny”


(A curvaceous woman dressed as Marilyn Monroe and a man dressed as Elvis Presley enter stage left. Both breathing heavily.)

Marilyn – “Why, sugar,(pant) I think (pant) it’s a gonna rain.”
Elvis - "Uh huh! Yeh! When it rains it, uh huh, really pours, beh, beh, uh huh".
George1 and Jim – sit up straight, put on sunglasses and assume the position.
Marilyn - (walks across to the three). "Hello" (pant) boys. Sure is (pant) wet (puts a lot of emphasis on the 'w') "out there..." (pant).
(Leans foreward) ..."why the rain..." (pant) "....was a runnin.." (pant) "...right down my front." (pant).
George2 – “Oh no!”
George1 - Swallows hard.
Jim - Mops his brow.
Elvis - "Uh, huh,yeh, we, Riding the Rainbow, beh, beh Uh, huh".
George2 - (looking admiringly at Elvis) "Looks like you got your Blue Suede Shoes wet".
Elvis - "Yeh, beh, beh, Just a mess of the Blues".
Marilyn - "I sure could do.." (pant) "... with a drink..." (looks suggestively at George1 and Jim) "...my lips.." (licks her lips) "...feel sooo dry." (pant)
(George1 and Jim both spring to their feet)
(Both) - "I'll get it" (bump into each other, get tangled up as they try to get past each other. Jim rushes off stage left, George1 stage right.)
George2 - "Hello Glenda. I mean Marilyn, I see you're going out with 'The King' now."
Elvis - "Uh huh! I'm all shook up".
Marilyn - "I got a seven year itch"
George2 – “You do know that Jack is here…”
Marilyn – (Clasps both hands to chest) “Such a dear sweet boy…”
George2 – “…with Julie.”
Marilyn- “Why that two faced cheating ….”

(George1 and Jim come rushing back. Both from stage right. Both with opened bottles of beer.)

Marilyn - "Why thank you (pant) boys. That was mighty sweet of you."
She grabs a bottle and gulps it back spilling some on her front. Tosses away the first bottle, grabs the second, slugs it back, belches loudly. Wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.
Marylin – “My! I’m all wet.”

George1 and Jim frantically scrabble for a cloth. George1 pulls out a filthy screwed up handkerchief, Jim grabs George1’s vest.

Elvis – (flamboyantly pulls out a large silk scarf, wipes his brow and offers it to Marilyn.)
Elvis – “Uh huh, Some like it hot, beh, beh.”

Marilyn – (Grabs the scarf, flings it around Elvis and drags him towards her. She drapes herself around him.)

Marilyn – “Come on Pelvy, show me some moves”
(She drags him off stage right.)

George1 – “Well, she still seems full of energy”
George2 – “Her energy is legendary, from what I’ve heard.”
Jim – (awestruck) “Who was that?”
George2 – “That was Glenda from Marketing. She was supposed to have gone out with Jack for a short while. I wouldn’t have said she was his type. There were even rumours that they got married! Come to think of it that was round Formula 15 time! That was a strange time. But there was some ’incident’, not certain what it was but she left him and he went … well like he is now. Julie says that Jack complains his head feels as if it full of cotton wool. Whenever he goes … er Strange …”
Jim – “Strange?”
George2 – “Yes, you know, wanders about in a daze, says and does odd things. He says he can’t remember anything afterwards. She on, the other hand, is a right vamp.”
Jim – “Didn’t look like a vampire”.
George1 – “They call her the Mounty”
Jim – “She did sound a bit Canadian”
George2 – “She’s from Bury.”
Jim – “Do they have Canadian accents in Bury?”
George2 – “She’s not from Canada”
Jim- “But you said she was from Bury”
George2 – “Bury’s not in Canada”
Jim – “Then why did you say she was?”
George1 – “Jim; just listen”
Jim – (Starts to speak)
George1 – (Holds up hand) “She’s not from Canada..”
Jim – (Starts to speak)
George1 – (holds up hand again) “They call her the Mounty ..”
Jim – (Starts to speak again)
George1 – (Holds up hand again) “…because she always gets her man, or at least a man.”
Jim - (Looking puzzled - pauses) "Oh! I get it, looks good in red...erm!"
Jim (still looking puzzled turns to George2 for help) "... and likes riding?"
George2 - (laughs) "Well you could say that."
George1 - "Quite. But what is she doing here? She's obviously after something".
George2 - "The only thing she's after is men."
Jim - (Dreamily) "A vampire from Canada".
(Jack and Julie enter stage right. Julie looks troubled, Jack dazed.)
Jack - (Walks into the table. Says in a dazed way) - "Could have sworn I saw..."
George1 – (tries to change the subject) “You know last year when we tested that suntan lotion. Worked a treat.”
George2 – “You did quite well, apart from the colour”.
George1 –“Came in 127th. Not bad eh?”
Jim – “Canadian..”
Jack – (still dazed starts coming back to life) “Seventh, seven, sssss..”
Julie - (Alarmed at Jacks strange behaviour) "erm….we got hats and our positions in the 'D'".
George1 – “Yes not bad at all apart from the bright green colour”
Jack – “You, you..” (confronts George1, tries to do an L but misses his forehead) “you …”
George1 – (aside) “Julie! He’s going funny again!”
Jack – (swaying) “You, your over the hill..seven, no five you’ve been running around, seventh I…, testing stuffs. Five years where I.. further and further back towards the, the.. ‘has been’s’. seventh ru…..run….rnnnnn… …arrrrr….arrrrrrrrrrr…… aaaarr….ah!” (collapses)
All – (Silence then a wail from Julie)
Julie – “Nooooooooooo”
Julie – (Collapses over Jack sobbing) “He’s dead, he’s dead”.
George1 – “You know, he’s never liked me.”
George2 – (Kneels down, checks for a pulse in his neck. Pulls back an eyelid. Places his ear over his nose to check for breathing)
George1 – “Move aside George, I used to be a first aider back at the old school. Rugby, don’t cha know. Honed my skills with many a broken nail and bitten ear.”
Jim – “Didn’t think you played rugby because of your toe’s”.
Julie – (Still wailing) “Dead, dead..”
George2 – “He’s not dead ,Julie, just fainted.”
George1 – “Leave this to me”

(Grabs his arm and waggles it)

George1 – “Ah hah”. (Listens to his heart, wrong side)
Jim – (crouches down) - “Is he?”
George1 (Clutching Jack’s head) – “Yep”
Jim – Shall I give him the kick of life?” (Stands and draws back his leg)
Julie – (wailing) – “Dead, dead, we planned so much..” (wail).
George2 – “Julie he’s not dead he’s just fainted. Jim it’s the ‘Kiss’ of life, don't kick him”
George1 – (Feeling round Jack’s rib cage) – “Yep, dead alright”
Julie – (Wails louder) – “Noooooooooo”
Jim – “Kiss! Are you sure?”
George2 – “George! He’s not dead. He has a pulse”
George1 – “Eh?
Jim – “Kiss! No it just doesn’t sound right”
George2 – “In his neck”
Jim – “Well if you say so, like a vampire I suppose.” (Starts to lean forward with mouth open)
George1 – “No Jim, he’s my patient. “

(Grabs Jack round the throat).


George2 – “George! He has a pulse in his neck, here” (shows him). “His pupils also respond to light. And he’s breathing!”
George1- “Breathing? Don’t be ridiculous. He’s as dead as a squashed hedgehog in the fast lane of a motorway.”
Jack – (Groans)
George1 – (jumps back)
Julie – “You’ve saved him. (Throws herself at George1 and hugs him) “Thank you, thank you”.
George1 – “Saved him?….yes, quite right. Saved him. Yes…”
Julie – (back with Jack) “Come back to me my heart, my love”
Jack – (sits up groggily, groaning).
Julie – (Smothering him in kisses)
Jack – “Wha?”
Julie – “You’re alive. Did you see a bright light?
Jack – “What happened?
Jim – “George saved your life with a kiss”
Julie – “George saved your life.”
George1 – “Yes, I saved your life. Dragged you from the slavering jaws of death”
Jack – “I thought I saw…”
Julie – “Was it a dead relative?”
Jack (Gets unsteadily to his feet)
George2 – “Julie, why don’t you take Jack to get a drink. He’s probably quite dry after his near-death experience.”
Julie – “Come on Jack, let’s go and talk about babies.”
Jack – “Eh? It was ..”
(They leave stage right, Jack staggering slightly.)
George1 – “Well! That was a close thing. Good job I was here and so..” (mimics hitting a golf ball)”… on the ball”
Jim (moves over stage left.)

(Elvis and Marilyn enter stage left)

Jim (stands up straight).
Elvis (stands near Jim)


 
(music to “All Shook Up”)

Elvis – (singing) “Well bless my soul
A what’s a wrong with me
I’m shakin like a man
Up a fuzzy tree
My friends say I’m acting
Wild as a bug
I’m in love
Uh (pelvic thrust)
I’m all shook up
Uh huh hu, huh, yeh yeh, yeh”

(A group of girls enter stage right)
One shouts – “There he is”

Elvis – “Oh oh! I’m all shook up” (exits rapidly stage left)
Girls – (run after him last one waving to audience and mouthing ‘Hello mum’)
Marilyn – “Boop boop be doo!” (looks forlorn)
(Off stage - Sound of girl giggling and tearing cloth)
Elvis – (shirt ripped enters stage left) “they ‘ain’t nothin but hound dogs” (runs across stage exits stage right.)
Girls (enter stage left, one clutching a piece of shirt, run across stage after him exit stage right).
Marilyn – I think my Elvis wishes he was in Dixie”
(Background – giggling and more ripping)
Jim – stares at Marilyn goggle eyed.
Marilyn – (sighs) “We’re in your ‘D’ you know”
Jim – (Swallows loudly. Carries on staring.)
Marilyn – “We’ve got black jackets and….” (she puts on a bright Orange ‘BOODY’ cap and orange gloves)”…silly hats and gloves”
Jim – “Eh?”
Marilyn – “I’m position 1,4 and Elvis is 2,3”

Background – (Girls giggling)

Elvis (cries) - "Oh momma!"

Marilyn - (distracted) "Is Jack part of our letter?"
George2 - "Yes, he's 2,2 and Julie is 2,1"
Marilyn - "Julie. Hah!."

(George1, George2 and Jim exit stage left.)

(Jack and Julie enter stage right.)

Julie - "See I told you, you'd feel better ...."
Marilyn – “Oh!” (looks stunned)
Jack - (Stops dead and stares at Marilyn)