The Fruit Machine by Brian Drader

This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

(The stage is dark. Percussion instrumental from the "Birdie"
movie score is playing. The psychologist's voice can be heard,
amplified, punctuating the instrumental.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: Dance ... Suck ... Coo ... Wolf ...

(The mantra continues throughout the following.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: Stiff .... Peach ... Thirst ... Pet ...

(Lights up on Peter, in his apartment, on the phone, dialling.)

(Lights up on Daniel in the examination area. Daniel is dressed
simply, in a conservative 60's suit and tie. He is sitting. There
are pulse monitors attached to his forehead, his writs and his
fingertips. He holds a silica gel mesh bag in his left hand. There is
a black box attached to a wheeled frame to one side of the chair.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: Soft ... Trade .... Neck ... Cry .... Love .... Club
....

(Peter in his apartment no one is answering, and Peter hangs up
the phone. The percussion score is coming from a double deck boom box
stereo in his apartment. A microphone is hooked up to the stereo. An
open bottle of scotch sits by the mic. Several cardboard boxes, a
duffle bag, a pile of junk mail, a dead plant.

The song and the mantra end. Peter switches to the microphone.)

PETER: One two one two fuck you fuck you ... Hey Don .... Don Don
Don Don Don Don Don .... I think this is working ... the little needle
thing is jumping anyway ... Hey Don it's Peter. Just got back from
Edmonton and I got a new tape deck. It's my Mom's ... she gave it to
me .... she's moving in with this guy, he's an asshole, but I got a
tape deck out if it, and some boxes full of shit I haven't looked
through yet so whatever. It's okay. Anyway, I thought I better drop
you a line. Or make you a tape. It's got a double deck so I can dub
tapes and stuff ... that was a song from that movie “Birdie” ... that
was the one we got when I was out there in the spring ... the one we
got too fucked up to watch. I rented it when I was out in Edmonton.
Watched it with my Mom and the asshole. It was good. They thought it
was weird. The soundtrack is wild. Lots of drums. Umm ....
I hope Toronto's okay ... what else ... Fuck it. I'm going to make you a tape,
so light up a joint and take a great big toke .... don't worry, I already got a head
start ... settle back and think about what a super guy I am and how much you
miss me.

(He puts on Diana Ross "You Can't Hurry Love". He pours himself
another scotch. Lights fade on Peter. "You Can't Hurry Love"
fades out as the Psychologist walks into Daniel's area. The lighting
is low, shadowy, isolating Daniel. The Psychologist is wearing a white
lab coat, carrying a clipboard.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: Mr. Colby?

DANIEL: Yes.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Sorry to keep you waiting. How are you?

DANIEL: Fine, I guess.

PSYCHOLOGIST: That's good. Are you comfortable?

DANIEL: .... sure. Considering.

PSYCHOLOGIST: That's good. This won't take long. I just need to go
over a few things with you before we start.

DANIEL: Sure.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Your full name is Daniel Peter Colby, correct?

DANIEL: Yes.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Married, a child ....

DANIEL: A boy, yes ...

PSYCHOLOGIST: No other children?

DANIEL: No.

PSYCHOLOGIST: And you are how old?

DANIEL: Thirty.

PSYCHOLOGIST: It says here you've been with the civil service for
four years now. Is that correct?

DANIEL: That's right. I was hired in '61.

PSYCHOLOGIST: You enjoy your job, Daniel?

DANIEL: Yes. Very much.

PSYCHOLOGIST: That's good. Good. Now, you've been briefed, correct?
About the tests?

DANIEL: Yes.

PSYCHOLOGIST: And what have you been told?

DANIEL: Umm .... well .... that you're doing a study on job related
stress. That I was selected at random ... umm ... what else ....

PSYCHOLOGIST: That's it, basically. We're focusing on second level
civil servants. Men. The entire study is strictly for Government
purposes. All the results will be held in the strictest confidence.
All I need you to do is relax.

DANIEL: Okay.

(The Psychologist checks the equipment.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: Are you ready?

DANIEL: I'm not going to get a shock here or anything, am I?

PSYCHOLOGIST: No. We're just measuring pulse and physiological
reaction. Nothing to worry about.

(The Psychologist places the black box in front of Daniel's eyes.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: Now, I want you to look at some pictures for me. You
don't need to think about anything, or remember anything. Simply
observe the images as they come up on the screen, all right?

DANIEL: Sure.

(Images are projected on the surface behind Daniel and the
Psychologist. The first image is a white backdrop, with the corners
numbered 1 through 4, and the number 5 appearing at the centre.

Peter, in his apartment, is checking his phone messages, which are
nothing but beeps that last throughout much of the following.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: .... could you look at the number one in your viewer
for me please?

(A red crosshair appears on the screen behind them, and moves to the
number 1.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: Excellent ... and number two ...

(The crosshair moves to the number 2.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: .... and number three ....

(The crosshair moves to number 3.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: .... four ....

(The crosshair moves to 4.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: .... and number five please ....

(The crosshair moves to the number 5.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: Very good. Everything seems to be in working order.
Modern technology is remarkable, isn't it? I tell you Mr. Colby, the
things they're coming up with ...

(A slide of a family a Mother, a Father and a two year old boy.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: .... just relax and enjoy the pictures ... that's
right ....

(The crosshair meanders over the photo, eventually settling on the
boy.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: They say we'll all be driving electric cars by 1980.
Isn't that amazing?

DANIEL: Mmhm ...

PSYCHOLOGIST: Did you see the satellite launch this morning?

(Slide of a Mother, breast feeding. The crosshair goes to the breast
where the child is suckling and stays there.)

DANIEL: Sorry?

PSYCHOLOGIST: The Canadian satellite Alouette II. It was launched
this morning. Spectacular. I want to see them put a man on the moon.
Wouldn't that be wonderful? The possibilities that would open up for
our culture ... have you ever thought about what it would be like to
live on the moon, Daniel?

DANIEL: No, no, I can't say that I have.

(Slide of a female model, posing. The crosshair goes to her face, her
breasts, and then meanders.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: Well, I suppose that's a long way off. I hope the
Americans get there first. They owe it to Kennedy. It's frightening to
think what the Soviets might do if they got to claim it for
themselves.

(Slide of a man, naked. The crosshair focuses on his genitalia, his
face, his chest, his thighs, back to his genitalia, and then
meanders.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: How are you doing ... are you still comfortable?

DANIEL: Yes. Yes, I'm fine.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Good. There's only a few more. Do you own your own
house, Daniel?

DANIEL: Yes. Well, the bank owns most of it, I guess.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Investment is important, especially if you have a
family ....

(Slide of an athlete, running. The cross hair focuses on the thighs,
the shoulders, the face, the feet and come to rest on the eyes.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: Okay, that's it for this part. That wasn't too bad,
was it?

DANIEL: No. No, that was fine.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Good.

(Black out on projection screen, Daniel, and the Psychologist.)

(Mary enters her and Daniel's apartment, a baby carriage and
groceries in tow. She is dressed in a neat and conservative 60's
style outfit.)

MARY: (Sotto Whisper) Dan, I'm home.

(She leaves the groceries and takes the baby off. Peter switches on
the microphone.)

PETER: So I got fucked out in Edmonton. Quelle suprise. He was a
beautiful looking guy from New Zealand, the kind of looks you walk up
to and say “Fuck me if I'm wrong, but haven't we met before”. Very
fine looking man. With an accent.

(Mary comes back into the room for the groceries.)

MARY: Daniel? She exits.

PETER: I was at the bar, he picked me up. Well, I guess I made
myself pretty obvious, but technically he picked me up. Really good
sex. Sex in a nice hotel room is always great, eh? You don't have to
worry about messing up the place. Anyway, I fell in love.

(Mary comes back into the room, picks up the phone, and dials.)

PETER: Really. I did. He touched my penis, I fell in love. Go
figure.

(The phone rings in Peter's apartment. The machine answers. Peter
listens.)

PETER'S VOICE: “Hi. I can't make it to the phone right now. Please
leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.”

(There's a beep and a dial tone.

Mary hangs up, sits in the armchair in front of the television. She
remains there, resting, throughout the following.)

PETER: Sorry. I was just having my own little private Idaho there.
(Silence) Right. The New Zealand guy. So, the next morning we're
having coffee, small talk, blah blah blah, he says he'll see me at the
Roost on Friday night. Mistake. I've got two days to think about it,
right? By the time Friday rolls around we've already gotten a divorce
and we're fighting over who gets the house, in my head anyway. So I
don't even want to see him anymore, but I go, and he's there, and we
go back to his hotel again and have it off and that's it, I'm hooked.
Like a fucking fish. I'm hooked. We're married, right? So, it's
Saturday morning and I start hinting around that maybe we should get
together again that night, or even spend the day together and he
starts coming up with all this evasive shit about meeting friends and
seeing family, and you won't believe this, Don. I start to cry. I
don't even know the guy and I start to cry because he's going to have
dinner with his parents. So there goes my winter in New Zealand,
right?

(Mary hears the baby crying. She doesn't get up right away, she's
just too tired.)

PETER: I made him give me a picture of him. I mean I really made him
give me one. I wouldn't leave without it. I was pathetic. So he gave
me one of his reject passport photos just to get rid of me.

(Daniel comes in behind Mary, just home from work. He comes up behind
her and puts his hands over eyes, and kisses the top of her head. She
smiles, and he smiles back, and then heads off to check on the baby.)

PETER: Every time I go back home it ends up like that. I turn into
some kind of idiot. (Silence) I still call Edmonton home. Weird, eh?
I've been living in Winnipeg for almost ten years now. I guess it's
because Mom still lives out there.

(Lights down on Mary.)

PETER: Okay, so it's Saturday morning, I've been dumped, and I go
back to my Mom's new place where I'm staying and the asshole boyfriend
starts in on me about where have I been all night. I'm thirty years
old, for fuck sake, I don't know him from Adam's sack and he's
bitching at me because I didn't come home last night. Yeah, right. So
I told him to fuck off, and I started crying again, right in front of
him, I have no idea why, and he calls me a faggot and my Mom just
stands there, she doesn't say anything, so I say fuck it, that's it,
that's the last time I'm going back there, and I threw everything in
the van and left. And I mean it, too. That's it. That's the last time.
He's a fucking asshole. A good for nothing fucking asshole. I hate his
guts.
(Silence)
Well. This is pleasant. Say hi to Beth for me. I can not believe she
hasn't left you yet. Five years. It makes me queasy. You would have
been better off with me, you know that eh? Fuck, Beth would have been
better off with me. Maybe the three of us should get together. Can I
move in? What do you think? Pee break.

(He puts on the Velvet Underground's "Walk On The Wild Side".
He sits and listens to the song.)

[end of extract]

Price $7.99 Add to cart