The Gap by Joseph P Krawczyk

This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent

A married couple, Frank and Stella, are shopping at The Gap clothing store in Manhattan, New York City. They’re sifting through a stack of jeans while arguing with each other. He is carrying a copy of Ulysses by James Joyce.

Stella
C’mon, Frank, you have to do this.

Frank
I don’t understand. Why?

Stella
You’re kidding, right?

Frank
No, I’m very serious.

Stella
Why do you have to be so damn rigid?

Frank
How long have you known me?

Stella
Twenty years.

Frank
And?

Stella
You haven’t changed a bit.

Frank
Exactly.

Stella
And you pride yourself on that?

Frank
Absolutely.




Stella
(She picks up a pair of jeans.)

Look, how about this pair?

Frank
Oh, no, much too big. I’d look like a clown.

Stella
What about these?

Frank
No, no, sorry they’re not my style.

Stella
Your style?!

Frank
That’s right.

Stella
You don’t have a style, Frank. If you do, it’s called shabby.

Frank
I take offense at that remark.

Stella
We’ve based our marriage on truth telling, remember? So, let’s not depart from that now.

Frank
But I am telling you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

Stella
This looks good. Try this one on.

(He looks at the label.)

Frank
Wait a minute. Made in China? No way.

Stella
They’re all made in China.




Frank

(saluting)

The jeans I’m wearing were made in the United States of America. See, look at the label. See what it says.

(He shows her the back inside of his pants.)

Stella
That tells you how old they are. Nobody makes jeans in this country anymore.

Frank
And that’s a mistake, and that’s not going to make this country great again.

Stella
What?!?! He’s going to bring back jobs in the jeans industry?

Frank
Sorry, that didn’t come out right, did it?

Stella
No, it didn’t.

Frank
Sorry.

Stella
Bite your tongue.

Frank
I misspoke.

Stella
Be realistic, Frank.

Frank
I’m sticking with what I’ve got.

Stella
Work with me, Frank.

Frank
I don’t know what I’m doing here.


Stella
It’s a clothing store, Frank, what do you think we’re doing here?

Frank
I tell ‘ya, Stella, I don’t need a new pair of jeans.

Stella
Yours are frayed and worn, Frank. You’re beginning to look like a homeless person. Pretty soon you’ll be trolling the streets picking up recyclables.

Frank
Now, that’s an exaggeration.

Stella
I saw someone come up to you and hand over a dollar bill.

Frank
Yes, but I didn’t take it.

Stella
(pointing at the jeans he’s wearing)

Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?

(He looks into a mirror, checking himself out.)

Frank
But they’re like my best friend. I can’t part with them now. Would you give up one of your best friends?

Stella
My best friend is Barbara, she’s real, she breathes, and she’s not a pair of denims.

Frank
I’m intimate with my jeans.

Stella
It’s wonder you don’t sleep with them, too.

Frank
They cover nearly half my body and accompany me wherever I go.

Stella
Is that what this is really all about?

(A Salesman enters.)
Salesman
Hi, how can I help you?

Stella
Yes, you’re just in time, we need all the help you can give us. Can you get this man to take off his pants?

Salesman
Excuse me?!

Stella
He has an aversion to trying on new clothing.

Salesman
Don’t you worry, it’s part of my job, and we’ll make him as comfortable as possible.

Stella
He’s not going in for a colonoscopy.

Frank
I’d welcome that over this, Stella.

Stella
Really?!

Salesman
There’s nothing to be afraid of.

Stella
Can you just measure him? It’s been a while.

Salesman
I’ll be right back. I need to get a measuring tape.

(Salesman exits.)

Frank
This is not a pleasurable experience.

Stella
Don’t tell me it’s painful.





Frank
I don’t like wasting my time on these mundane things when I could be doing something more productive.

Stella
Like what?

Frank
(He holds up a copy of the book.)

Like finish reading Ulysses.

Stella
You’ve been trying to complete that book for seven years.

Frank
Which is about as long as it took James Joyce to write it. I’m getting there.

Stella
Give it up.

Frank
I’m not giving that up or my old jeans.

Stella
What’s the big deal here, Frank? C’mon, I’m not asking you to go in for elective brain surgery. You’re acting like a little child.

Frank
(stamping his foot like a child)

I revert to the child in me whenever I’m being forced to do something I don’t want to do.

(Salesman enters.)

Salesman
Here, let me take your measurements.

(Salesman falls to his knees and takes out a measuring tape, measuring his in seam from his crotch to the floor.)

Frank
Hey, watch it.


Salesman
I am. Quite a package you got there.

(He gets up and measures the length of his arm, around his head, and the back of his leg.)

Frank
What the -- ? What’s my head size got to do with a pair of pants.

Salesman
There is a direct proportion between head size and width. Or, is that inversely proportional? Anyway.

(The Salesman hands him a pair of jeans.)

Salesman
Here, this should fit you just fine.

Frank
No, no, they look much too big for me.

Salesman
Perception is not reality.

Stella
Just humor me, Frank, and try them on.

Salesman
I see you two are having a disagreement brewing, so I’ll let you two talk this out. I don’t get in the middle of marital arguments.

Frank
No disagreement.

Stella
Yes, we have one that’s as wide as the Grand Canyon.

Salesman
I think I’ll be going while you two hash this out.

Stella
Where’s the changing room?

Salesman
Straight ahead. Through those curtains.



Stella
Thank you.

Salesman
If you need anything else, just holla’.

Stella
Will do.

(Salesman exits.)

Okay, c’mon, Frank, it’ll only take you a few minutes.

Frank
Oh, alright. You always get your way. Why can’t we just buy these things on line? Like everybody else in the internet age.

Stella
Not with clothing, Frank. You have to try them on.

Frank
You know I don’t like shopping. It’s a male thing, part of my manly DNA. And I especially don’t like trying on new clothes. I hate the whole idea.

Stella
Is that why your mother still buys your underwear for you?

Frank
(hugging the jeans to his face like an infant’s blanket)

Why do you have to bring my mother into this?

Stella
Because I think it’s relevant.

Frank
Okay…yes. I imagine it stems from that.

Stella
It sounds a little Oedipal to me.

Frank
I’ve resolved those feelings through years of therapy, thank you.


Stella
You’re still going, and it’s been fifteen years.

Frank
I’m working on it. Besides, I’m a slow learner, emotionally.

Stella
You don’t like change, Frank. Admit it. And the world changes every day. Change is the order of things. Change is what makes life interesting. So, get with the existential program and make some changes, this being one of them.

Frank
That doesn’t mean I have to accept and adhere to it.

Stella
You have no choice. You can’t stop change or the march of time for that matter. They’re both unstoppable.

Frank
What’s so great about change? It just makes life more complicated. I’m a minimalist. Like my paintings, they’re very spare and to the point. Nothing more, nothing less.

Stella
I know, I know, you like a Spartan life style and your paintings reflect that.

Frank
And as an artist, I don’t have to think of anything else. Art is my God, and painting is my religion. And that’s where I stand.

Stella
Oh, so you’re going to justify not buying a new pair of jeans because it will take an hour out of your precious, painting schedule?!

Frank
I like what I have, and one of those things is you.

Stella
Oh, no, I’m not fooled. Don’t go there. You’re changing the subject by complimenting me and diverting my attention.

Frank
Did it work?




Stella
No.

Frank
Just so you know, I love you just the way you are. You don’t have to make any changes like making yourself look younger. You don’t have to dye your hair, take Botox, or firm up those cheeks of yours.

Stella
What?! My cheeks?

Frank
I’m okay with all of that. I don’t care. It’s totally meaningless to me. I married you for who you are no matter what changes take place, mentally or physically.

Stella
Mentally?!

Frank
You are a little pushy.

Stella
I consider that a positive trait. And what’s with the physical side of me?

Frank
It’s really minor. Just those extra pounds you’re carrying.

Stella
Huh?!

Frank
I didn’t marry you for what I’d like you to become. You’re just fine the way you are.

Stella
(preening herself in front of a mirror)

That’s what you say now while I’m still drop dead gorgeous. But what happens when I age? What happens then?

Frank
We age together. I won’t even notice.

Stella
All men notice.