The Littlest Pirate by Kathy Macovichuk

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This Play is the copyright of the Author and may not be performed, copied or sold without the Author's prior consent

SCENE TWO

Scene: By the ocean, on a beach or a dock, you hear waves crashing
and seagulls in the background. A sign reads "Stinky Pete's Pirate
School." A tattered old pirate is sitting on a crate by the sign,
working on a rope or fixing a telescope, singing or whistling a pirate
song to himself. He's wearing an eye patch but has it flipped up to
closely observe his work. Bobby enters the stage, looks around, sees
Stinky Pete and slowly approaches.

BOBBY: Excuse me sir

STINKY PETE: (startled and flips his eye patch down) Avast me
hearties! We're under attack! Hoist the main sail and heave to!
Arrrhh! (looks around but only sees Bobby standing there out of
reach). 'Tis only yerself? Say, shouldn't a lad as young as ye be
in bed at this hour? Well, speak up boy, what brings ye to these
shores? There's a look about ye that be begging a question.

BOBBY: Is this the Stinky Pete Pirate School?

STINKY PETE: Aye, 'tis what the sign reads. Are ye lookin' to be
a pirate?

BOBBY: Yes sir. My name is Bobby and I can't wait to jump onboard a
ship, sail away to far off countries and have all kinds of
adventures.

STINKY PETE: Sure about that are ye? 'Tis a hard life being a
pirate. Requires a great deal of work, long hours on the ocean and ya
hafta like eatin' seafood, lots of seafood. And you're kinda small
to be a pirate, aren't cha?

BOBBY: You don't have anyone telling you what time to go to bed, do
you?

STINKY PETE: Har, har, har, I don't think so. Nobody tells pirates
what to do.

BOBBY: Then that's the life for me. When can you start teaching me
to be a pirate?

STINKY PETE: Well shiver me timbers son, ye might be the smallest
pirate I've ever laid eyes on but ya've got heart 'nuff for an
entire crew. Okay, I'll teach ye what ye'll be needin' to know
to become a full-fledged buccaneer. 'Tis an easy enough lesson to
learn. There are three things you need to master: talk like a pirate,
look like a pirate and fight like a pirate.

BOBBY: Oh boy, this is going to be fun!

(Please Note: as meaning of words are spoken, use normal voice.)

STINKY PETE: Okay, lesson number one talk like a pirate (may use
a board on an easel or hand-held cards). There be a number of phrases
that pirates use a lot but 'tis best to remember the Five As. Now
repeat after me. And anyone who'd like to be a pirate too is more
than welcome to join in the lesson. "Ahoy" (gets audience to
repeat). This means "hello." "Avast" (gets audience to
repeat). This means "hey you, pay attention." "Aye" (gets
audience to repeat). This means "why yes, I agree with everything
you said or did." "Aye, aye." Yes, it sounds a lot like the last
word but means somethin' different. It be meaning "yes, boss
I'll get started doing whatever you asked, right away." And the
final A word to remember is "Aaaarrr." 'Tis a word that can mean
many things, like "aaarrr, that ice cream was tasty" or "aaarrr,
who taught you to sail a ship, a bunch of sea-sick monkeys?" It be a
good thing to throw an aaarr in there now and agin, especially when ye
can't think of anything else piratey to say.

BOBBY: That's great Stinky Pete. Those words should be easy to
remember. (Stinky Pete puts the board away.)

STINKY PETE: Now that we be sounding like pirates, we need to look
the part (pulls out a large plastic bag or box that reads "So You
Want To Be A Pirate Kit"). Every scurvy pirate be needing a hat. It
looks good and it keep ye from faintin' in the heat when ye're two
months at sea. And next here's a tattoo. Be careful of what you
choose. No puppies or kittens or balloons. Pirates like to wear
something fierce, like skulls and bones or an angry monkey. Here's a
good one (puts a temporary tattoo on Bobby). You're looking better
by the minute. Here is your buckle to swash. Don't ask how swashing
is done, I never did get any good at it. You can wear an eye patch or
a hook, but it's not necessary. They're in your kit if you ever
change your mind. And always wear dark clothes so you can sneak around
at night.

BOBBY: Aye, aye, Stinky Pete.

STINKY PETE: That's very good Bobby, I can tell you've been
paying attention to your pirate lessons.

BOBBY: And now I'll get to learn to fight like a pirate. Aaaarrrr!
Where's my sword and my pistols (starts to mime slashing and
shooting). Take that you scurvy dogs.

STINKY PETE: (aghast) STOP! Stop, stop, stop! There'll be no swords
or pistols in my school, young man! A person can get seriously hurt
that way and there be better ways to fight pirates. Secret ways that
only a few special people know. I like the cut of your jibe Bobby so
I'm going to let you in on some of those secrets (he beckons Bobby
closer so he can use a stage whisper, he looks around to make sure no
one is in listening range). Bunnies.

BOBBY: (pause for a second) Bunnies?

STINKY PETE: (nodding his head in a solemn way) Bunnies.

BOBBY: (reaching into his backpack) You mean like Mr. Wiggles (pulls
stuffed rabbit out of the pack)?

STINKY PETE: (leaps up and to the other side of the stage) Oh for
crying out loud Bobby, you scared ol' Stinky Pete half to death. Put
that thing away before I have a heart attack. Oh dear, look at me,
I've broken out into a sweat. (Bobby puts the rabbit back in his
backpack) You see, they're very effective in a fight with pirates
(makes sure the coast is clear of rabbits before coming back to
Bobby). Now, the next important secret is that pirates are very
ticklish.

BOBBY: Really? Wow, so's my dad.

STINKY PETE: The trick is to find out WHERE they're ticklish. Every
pirate is different. Some are ticklish in the ribs (tickles Bobby's
ribs, and Bobby laughs) Yep, just like that. Some are ticklish in the
neck (tickles Bobby's neck, and Bobby laughs). Some are ticklish on
their knees (tickles Bobby's knees but Bobby doesn't laugh, Stinky
Pete just shrugs) but most pirates are ticklish on their feet and
that's the reason they wear big boots. It's so as ya can't get
at their feet to tickle them. But once ye find the right spot, tickle
away until the scurvy dog can't stand anymore and is putty in yer
hands.

BOBBY: Gee, that's all really helpful information, Stinky Pete. Now
that I know how to talk like a pirate, look like a pirate and you've
taught me some secret fight moves, do you think I can become a
pirate?

STINKY PETE: Har, har, har. For such a little gaffer, you've got a
lot of "pirattitude." Well, congratulations Bobby, with the power
invested in me by the Piratical Union, or more commonly known as PU, I
hereby bestow upon ye the title of Junior Buccaneer.

Insert Stinky Pete's song here a pirate joke needs to be added
to song during each of the two music bridges samples have been
included with the music.

(As song is being sung, three pirates sneak on the stage and hide.)

STINKY PETE: Oh dear me (laughing), I don't know when ol' Stinky
Pete has had so much fun. I think we'll be grand friends Bobby. And
as my friend, I'm gonna let ye into a wee secret of mine. Not many
folks be knowing this but I've got a treasure.

(At the mention of treasure, the three hiding pirates pop up and rub
their hands gleefully. They remain hidden from Stinky Pete and
Bobby.)

BOBBY: Real treasure? Like gold and jewels?

STINKY PETE: Oh, it's even better than that! Follow me, I'll
fetch it out of me secret hiding place and you can see for yerself.
(Bobby and Stinky Pete leave the stage.)

(The three pirates step forward from their hiding places.)

CAPT'N CUTTHROAT: Well, well, well, we've been waiting a long
time to get a hold of Stinky Pete's treasure.

BLACK BARRY: What do you suppose it could be Capt'n Fowler?

CAPT'N CUTTHROAT: I hear tales of it being more gold and jewels
than you can ever imagine.

BLACK BARRY: I don't know Capt'n, I can imagine an awful lot.

CAPT'N CUTTHROAT: Aye lad, 'tis the reason we've been spying on
the scurvy sea dog for so long, in hopes that, sooner or later,
he'll lead us straight to his treasure.
(During this conversation the third pirate had fallen asleep on her
feet.)

CAPT'N CUTTHROAT: So, Dozer, have ye been watching to where Stinky
Pete was heading? Dozer? AVAST DOZER! Wake up ya sleeping scallywag!
We'd better not have lost those two. I've been waiting too long to
let this opportunity slip through me fingers.

DOZER: Sorry Capt'n but you know I've got a problem falling
asleep all the time. I can't help it. It's a condition called
narcolepsy.

BLACK BARRY: I've got a good friend who's narcoleptic, terrible
thing to have. He would get drowsy all the time, during dinner, while
he was swabbing the deck, even when he was hoisting the main sail.
Yes, sir, he would fall asleep like that! (snaps fingers and Dozer
falls asleep at the snap).

CAPT'N CUTTHROAT: (yelling at Dozer) Ya sea-soaked barnacle! If you
weren't my wife's cousin's second-niece twice removed, I would
have made ya walk the plank months ago, but well, that would have made
things a bit awkward at the family gatherings so I guess I've gotta
put with you scurvy lot.

DOZER: Which reminds me Capt'n, Auntie Marge sends her regards. But
never fear, I did see them walking this way before I dozed off
(gestures to where Stinky Pete and Bobby left the stage).

CAPT'N CUTTHROAT: Aarrrrhh! Now yer talking! Shiver me timbers but
I can almost smell the gold, it's so close.

Insert Pirate Song here.

CAPT'N CUTTHROAT: (notices Black Barry working on his PDA [small
hand-held computer]) AVAST BLACK BARRY! GET OFF THAT INFERNAL THING!

BLACK BARRY: In a minute Capt'n, I'm just checking my email.

DOZER: Hey, yer not on Facebook are ya? I should send ya a friend
request. I've got those photos up on me site that we took when we
stormed ol' Redbeard's tavern. Har, har, har! There be a good one
of ya just before we chucked ya out the window. (Dozer and Black Barry
have a laugh.)

CAPT'N CUTTHROAT: Oh heavens to Murgatroid! How in blue blazes am I
going to get a hold of that treasure with the two of (pauses as
Dozer has fallen asleep again) WAKE UP DOZER!!! (Dozer snaps awake
again and Black Barry quickly puts away his PDA both salute and
stand at attention).

BLACK BARRY / DOZER: Aye, aye Capt'n!!

CAPT'N CUTTHROAT: I ought to bang the two of yer heads together.
Now pay attention! Okay, let's concentrate on the task at hand and
get that treasure.

(The three pirates slink off the stage in the same direction that
Stinky Pete and Bobby took. As they're leaving, Nana comes on the
opposite side, looking for Bobby.)

NANA: Bobby! Bobby! Oh where could he be? He's such a dear boy. I
would hate to think that anything bad would happen to him.

Insert Nana's Song here.

NANA: Maybe you can help me. Have any of you seen him (comments from
the audience)? He went that way? With who? Stinky Pete? Oh dear, this
is not sounding very good. Not good at all. What's that? Pirates?
Three pirates? After Stinky Pete's treasure? Oh my, I haven't got
a second to lose. I've got to get after them and find Bobby. You say
they took off this way? Well then, Nana's going to take off this way
too (she leaves the stage, following the pirates).

(Stinky Pete and Bobby come on stage where Nana had entered, opposite
to where she had just exited. Stinky Pete has a treasure chest with
him.)

BOBBY: (jumping around Stinky Pete) Wow, Stinky Pete, I can't
believe I'm about to see my first pirate treasure. Is it very heavy?
Do you need any help carrying it? I'll bet you have millions stashed
away in there, don't you? Oh boy, oh boy!

STINKY PETE: (chuckling) Pirate treasure can be an exciting adventure
that's for sure. I've had this since I was a wee sprout and
that's been a long time, I'm telling you (sets the chest down).
Now, a lot of bilge-rat pirates have been trying to steal this from
ol' Stinky Pete so before I open the chest I'm going to hafta gets
ya to swear an oath never to reveal the contents nor whereabouts of
said treasure to anyone at anytime.

BOBBY: Okay, I can do that.

STINKY PETE: (pointing to the audience) And I'll have to get all of
you to swear an oath too. All right? Okay now, stand up, put your
hand over your heart like this (demonstrates) and repeat after me: I,
insert your name do hereby swear never to tell anyone at
anytime about Stinky Pete's treasure and if I do may a
bunch of monkeys stick bananas up my nose and make me eat
broccoli Very good, have a seat. Now, let's open up that chest.

(Bobby and Stinky Pete move towards the treasure chest. Suddenly
Capt'n Cutthroat, Black Barry and Dozer jump out.)

CAPT'N CUTTHROAT, BLACK BARRY AND DOZER: AAARRRH!!!

CAPT'N CUTTHROAT: Hand over that there treasure, Stinky Pete.

STINKY PETE: I might have known you'd try to steal me treasure,
Capt'n Cutthroat Fowler, 'cuz there certainly is no fouler pirate
than you sailing the seven seas. I've been trying to shake you from
my ship's wake for ten years and now it looks as though ya've
finally caught up with ol' Stinky Pete.

[end of extract]

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