The Princess Parodies by John Woodard
THE NARRATOR ENTERS
NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls. Thank you all for
joining us in a well deserved evening (day) of just complete, utter
fun. And tonight (today) we are especially pleased to bring you the
tale of three beloved princesses. Three cherished stories you have
undoubtably come to love. Stories that have been told for generations
with great dignity and grace. And tonight (today), here at YOUR
THEATRE/SCHOOL NAME, we would graciously like to invite you—to let
that go. Because this is "The Princess Parodies." The tale of
three (holds up three fingers) princesses, who once upon a time, lived
in a simple suburban kingdom on Castle Tale Lane. Snow White…
SNOW WHITE ENTERS IN CLASSIC DRESS, HAS A HUGE BLUE BIRD ON HER
SHOULDER.
SNOW WHITE: Some day my prince will come.
SHE SINGS TO THE BIRD IN A HIGH PITCH AS THE NARRATOR COVERS HIS EARS.
SNOW WHITE: La dee dee la, dee dee lahahahaha!
SNOW WHITE PRANCES OFF, EXITS.
NARRATOR: Cinderella…
CINDERELLA ENTERS IN CLASSIC TATTERED DRESS, CARRIES A MOP AND BUCKET
OF CLEANING SUPPLIES, EXHAUSTED.
CINDERELLA: Some day my maid will come.
SHE SEES A SPOT ON THE FLOOR.
CINDERELLA (to the audience) Okay. Who's footprints are these?
Who's?
SHE MOPS HER WAY OFF STAGE, EXITS MUMBLING—
CINDERELLA: It never ends with you kids!
NARRATOR: And Sleeping Beauty.
SLEEPING BEAUTY ENTERS IN PAJAMAS. HOLDS A STUFFED UNICORN.
SLEEPING BEAUTY (grouchy) I just want some sleep. So if you could
all just bring it down a notch, that would be great.
SHE PASSES OUT ONTO THE FLOOR, SNORES.
NARRATOR Like I said. This is "The Princess Parodies." The tale
of two (holds out two fingers) princesses who lived—
ARIEL AKA THE LITTLE MERMAID ENTERS IN FISHNET STOCKINGS, LOTS OF SEA
SHELLS AND STAR FISH IN HER LONG RED HAIR, SEAFOOD SHELL CRACKERS AS
BARRETTES, AND A LOBSTER AS A HAT.
ARIEL Hey, hey hey! What about me? I'm a princess.
NARRATOR Really? You look more like the catch of the day.
ARIEL (flattered) Why, thank you. What a lovely compliment. (to
audience) I hope you like my hat. It was the most expensive one on
the menu.
NARRATOR: May I ask who you are?
ARIEL: I'm Ariel. The little mermaid.
CINDERELLA RUNS ON, LOOKS AROUND, DESPERATE.
CINDERELLA: Someone say "maid?" Where? Where?
ARIEL POINTS OFFSTAGE.
ARIEL: She went thatta way. You just missed her.
CINDERELLA : Aaargh! I was that close! (calls out) Hey! Wait up!
I'm hiring!
CINDERELLA RUNS OFF.
ARIEL (to audience) Hey. Don't judge me. I only have so much
stage time and prefer to spend it alone. You have no idea the hours
spent on this costume. (to Narrator) Now back to me.
NARRATOR: So you're the little mermaid?
ARIEL: Can't you tell? I make a splash everywhere I go. But I'm
not a mermaid anymore. I already hooked me a prince and got these
legs as a wedding present.
NARRATOR: You got legs as a wedding present?
ARIEL: From several people. At one point I had eight legs! (to
audience) Keep those gift receipts, people. Keep those receipts!
(to Narrator) These legs were my favorite. Look at these gams.
You'd never catch me in fishnets before!
SHE SHOWS OFF HER LEGS IN FISHNET STOCKINGS.
NARRATOR: Don't you miss your home? The beautiful ocean?
ARIEL: You kidding? I'm telling you right now, when you sleep in a
oyster shell, you do not wake up feeling like a pearl! After I
discovered the joy of a Sherwood Forest Beautyrest Mattress. I'm
not ever going back.
SLEEPING BEAUTY (sits up, groggy) Ooh, that sounds nice.
SHE PLOPS BACK ASLEEP.
NARRATOR: And now, ladies and gentlemen—
NARRATOR/ARIEL (together, to audience ala "Saturday Night Live")
Live! From YOUR THEATRE/SCHOOL NAME. It's "The Princess
Parodies!"
FOREST ANIMALS ENTER, DRAG SLEEPING BEAUTY OFFSTAGE, AND SET THE STAGE
FOR THE NEXT SCENE. OR—
AUTHORS NOTE: FEEL FREE TO HAVE FUN SPOOFING THE "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE" OPENING IF YOU WISH, BY ADDING AN ANNOUNCER PRESENTING THE
CAST ONE BY ONE ENDING WITH THE NARRATOR AS THE HOST OF THE SHOW.
NARRATOR: Thank you. Thank you. Our story begins on Castle Tale
Lane just off Sunset Boulevard. With Snow White's evil stepmother.
SNOW WHITE'S STEPMOTHER SWEEPS IN, ENTERS. A REPLICA OF NORMA
DESMOND IN "SUNSET BOULEVARD."
STEPMOTHER: Did someone say "evil?"
SHE LAUGHS WICKEDLY.
NARRATOR: Snow White's evil stepmother used to be in silent fairy
tales. Used to be big.
STEPMOTHER: I am big. It's the mirror that got small.
THE NARRATOR EXITS. THE STEPMOTHER SITS AT A VANITY, PICKS UP A TV
REMOTE, POINTS IT AT THE MIRROR AND PRESSES IT.
STEPMOTHER: Mirror, Mirror, in my face, who's the fairest of this
place?
NO ANSWER.
STEPMOTHER: Hmmm.
SHE POINTS, PRESSES THE REMOTE AGAIN.
STEPMOTHER: Mirror, Mirror, in my face, who's the fairest of this
place?
NO ANSWER. SHE SMACKS THE SIDE OF THE MIRROR.
STEPMOTHER: This thing working? (yells out) Fred, the cable's out
again! I'm not getting any reception.
SHE SMACKS IT AGAIN. HENRY ENTERS DRESSED LIKE MISTER ROGERS, CARRIES
A NEWSPAPER UNDER HIS ARM, AND WEARS A CROWN.
HENRY: Not again? The cable mirror repair guy was just here. I told
you we shouldn't get Once Upon A Time Warner. But Noooo, you just
had to have it. Here's something new. How about you let me be
the king around this castle for a change. Huh? And Tomorrow—
we're getting satellite mirror!
HENRY EXITS. SHE LOOKS AT THE REMOTE, REALIZES THE PROBLEM.
STEPMOTHER: Oh—
SHE PRESSES ANOTHER BUTTON. THE MIRRORS FACE APPEARS, SMACKING ON
GUM.
MIRROR: Hey, girl, wassup?
STEPMOTHER: (screams to Henry) Never mind! I had it on auxiliary!
(to Mirror) Mirror, Mirror—
MIRROR: No need to say anything. I already know what you want to
know. (looks both ways, then, gossipy) Now you didn't hear it from
me. But I heard from Belle, who heard from Jasmine, who heard from
Tiana—That there's this girl—much fairer than you. Skin like
winter—
STEPMOTHER: (gasps) You're not talking about Elsa, princess of
Arendelle?
MIRROR: Oh, no. Not Elsa. You don't want to mess with her. I'm
frozen at the thought. When she says "let it go" you better let
it go. Unless you want to be turned into a Popsicle. That girl—is
cold.
THEY SHIVER SIMULTANEOUSLY.
MIRROR: I'm talking about Snow White.
STEPMOTHER: Snow White? My stepdaughter?
MIRROR: That's right. The crazy one who does nothing but talk to
animals all day.
STEPMOTHER: Ugh! You have no idea. Try getting her out of a pet
store.
SHE CLICKS THE REMOTE. THE MIRROR'S FACE DISAPPEARS.
STEPMOTHER: (yells out) Henchman!
JIMMY CRACKCORN ENTERS.
JIMMY: Why doesn't anyone ever remember my name? It's Jimmy.
Jimmy Crackcorn!
STEPMOTHER: I don't care. Now, Henchman, I need you to do me a
teeeeensy little favor. (beat) Kill Snow White.
JIMMY: That's teeeeensy?
STEPMOTHER: Yes. Because you only have a teeeeensy amount of time to
do it. I'm having a luncheon and need you back here by noon to serve.
JIMMY: I don't know. Kill Snow White? That's a lot to ask an
employee who doesn't get health benefits?
STEPMOTHER: Yes, you do. Take away Snow White's health and
you'll benefit by still having a job.
THE STEPMOTHER LAUGHS WICKEDLY AS SHE EXITS THE STAGE. THE FOREST
ANIMALS RUSH ON, SET THE STAGE FOR THE NEXT SCENE.
NARRATOR: And so Henchman—
AS JIMMY EXITS—
JIMMY: Jimmy Crackcorn!
NARRATOR: I don't care. And so Henchman took Snow White to the
woods to knock her off like a designer purse on Ebay.
THE NARRATOR EXITS. SNOW WHITE ENTERS WITH A BASKET. JIMMY FOLLOWS
WITH AN AX. SNOW WHITE SINGS TO THE BIRD ON HER SHOULDER IN A HIGH
PITCH.
SNOW WHITE: La dee dee la, dee dee lahahahaha!
JIMMY CRINGES, ROLLS HIS EYES, ANNOYED.
JIMMY: Ugh! When will she ever stop singing to that bird? (to
audience) She is making this—soooo easy.
SNOW WHITE: Excuse me. How much further to the flower patch? I'm
so excited. I'm going to pick father a hundred tulips.
JIMMY: Are you really that clueless?
SNOW WHITE: What ever do you mean?
JIMMY: Does this look like Holland to you? We're deep in the
forest. Alone. I work for your evil stepmother who gave me an axe.
SNOW WHITE GASPS, TURNS HER BACK TO HIM.
SNOW WHITE: Oh, my. I am in big trouble! These tulips must be huge
if you need an ax to cut them. And all I brought were these teeeeensy
little clippers.
JIMMY: Okay, that's it.
JIMMY RAISES HIS AX OVER HER. SHE TURNS BACK.
SNOW WHITE: Jimmy? What are you doing, silly? We're not in
Holland, yet. Plus, I'm like, totally standing in your way.
JIMMY: (melts) What did you call me?
SNOW WHITE: Jimmy. That's your name. Jimmy Crackcorn.
JIMMY: (over emotional) Finally…someone cares. I've waited all
my life for someone to remember my name.
JIMMY LOWERS THE AXE
JIMMY: I can't do it.
SNOW WHITE: Yes, you can. I'll help you remember your name.
It's—(slowly and overly pronouncing) Jimmy Crackcorn. (then) If
you write it down, that might help.
JIMMY: That's not what I meant. I was told to bring you here and
kill you.
SNOW WHITE: By whom?
JIMMY; Whom do you think?
SNOW WHITE; (ponders) Hmmm… Well, I did cut Rapunzel's hair a
lot shorter than she asked. She just wanted a trim off her split
ends, but I figured "Hey, it's summer, who needs all this?"
JIMMY: It was your stepmother!
SNOW WHITE: She has a name, too, Jimmy. It's Candy. Now, why
would Candy want to kill me?
JIMMY: (ala Humphrey Bogart classic film noir detective) Because
she's a Milk Dud next to your Almond Joy, see? She snickered to
me—said skittle you out here, get rid of the hot tamale who makes
her feel chunky. Give you a whopper of a payday—krackel you good
and plenty- tear you into Reese's pieces before her lunch with Three
Musketeers, Mike and Ike, and Baby Ruth. So here we are—abba zabba,
just like that—over the mounds and down this rocky road, knee deep
in red vines, looking at the snow caps, half way to the Milky Way.
SNOW WHITE: What did my father say?
JIMMY: Oh, Henry doesn't know. (then) Not that it matters. This
Goober can't do it with his butterfingers.
SNOW WHITE: Oh, my. I've been told that Candy isn't good for
you. But I had no idea it could kill you. That's not very sweet at
all.
JIMMY: Can you believe it? She wanted me to kill you because
you're prettier than her.
SNOW WHITE: Because I'm prettier than her? How many people did she
ask you to kill?
JIMMY: Just you.
SNOW WHITE: That can't be. I got a list off the top of my head of
people prettier than her, and one is a boy in my dance class.
JIMMY: Listen, I gotta lunch to serve, so just do me a favor. Run
into the woods and never come back before I change my mind.
SNOW WHITE: Okay, but first—Let me get this straight. There's no
tulips out here?
JIMMY LIFTS HIS AXE
JIMMY: Run!
JIMMY AND SNOW WHITE FREEZE IN PLACE.
THE NARRATOR ENTERS.
NARRATOR: And so, poor Snow White ran deeper into the forest
screaming. Freaking out all the peaceful animals.
SNOW WHITE SCREAMS. PANDEMONIUM ENSUES AS THE FOREST ANIMALS SCREAM
RUNNING AROUND SETTING THE STAGE FOR THE NEXT SCENE. JIMMY EXITS.
FOREST ANIMAL ONE: (stops, screams at audience) She's freaking us
out!
SNOW WHITE STOPS SCREAMING. THE ANIMALS STOP, COMPOSE THEMSELVES, ACT
COOL.
FOREST ANIMAL TWO: Phew! Glad that's over.
NARRATOR: Finally, Snow White came upon a little house that shut her
apple pie hole.
SNOW WHITE: Well, shut my apple pie hole, what an adorable little house.
SNOW WHITE APPROACHES THE HOUSE.
SNOW WHITE I hope someone's home.
SHE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.
SNOW WHITE: Hello?
SHE KNOCKS HARDER.
SNOW WHITE: Hello? Is anyone home?
SHE JIGGLES THE KNOB, IT WON'T BUDGE. SHE THROWS HERSELF AGAINST
THE DOOR, BREAKS IT OPEN, ENTERS, LOOKS AROUND.
SNOW WHITE: Hello? I said is anyone home? The door easily broke
open so I thought I'd come in. (then) My, what an adorable, dirty
little living room with dirty little chairs. Adorable dirty little
kitchen with dirty little dishes. Adorable dirty little bedroom with
dirty little beds. (then) Ew! I don't even want to see the
bathroom. That won't be so adorable.
NARRATOR: And so, as adorably dirty as it was, Snow White fell fast
asleep. Too tired to care that she could be arrested for breaking and entering.
THE NARRATOR EXITS. THE FOUR LITTLE DWARFS, DOC, GRUMPY, HAPPY, AND
DOPEY ENTER.
DOC: I can't believe it, Grumpy. More layoffs at the mines.
Sleepy. Sneezy. Bashful. All gone. And—since we live in employee
housing, they can't even come home.
GRUMPY: Yep, ever since Big Moat Industries took over, we've been
drowning!
HAPPY: (extremely happy) Hey, look, someone broke in our house and
probably robbed us blind!
GRUMPY: That's nothing to be happy about.
HAPPY: I'm sorry, Grumpy. But, I'm Happy.
GRUMPY: What should we do Doc? They might still be in there armed
and dangerous.
DOC: I agree. The logical thing to do is to protect ourselves the
best we can. So, Dopey, go into the house.
DOPEY CLAPS, WANTS TO GO IN.
HAPPY: What if something happens to him?
GRUMPY: I'll be able to change my name from Grumpy to Slightly
Annoyed until something happens to you. Then I'll be Happy.
SNOW WHITE WAKES UP, LOOKS AROUND, CALLS OUT—
SNOW WHITE: Hello? Is someone out there?
HAPPY: Did you hear that? It came from our house.
GRUMPY: It sounded like a girl.
DOC: That can't be. The last girl who was in our house was—wait
a minute—we've never had a girl in our house.
THEY FRANTICALLY TIDY THEMSELVES, COMB THEIR HAIR. THEN CASUALLY
STRUT INTO THE HOUSE ALL COOL, SEE SNOW WHITE.
DOC: (ala Joey on "Friends") How you doing? I see you're
enjoying our crib.
SNOW WHITE: Ohhh… This is what they call a crib. Well, that
certainly explains why I slept like a baby.
DOPEY CLAPS EXCITED, DANCES WITH JOY. SNOW WHITE LAUGHS.
SNOW WHITE: Aren't you the cutest fella!
DOPEY WHISPERS IN GRUMPY'S EAR.
GRUMPY: I'll ask her. (to Snow White) You got a bird on your
shoulder. You a pirate?
SNOW WHITE: Why, no. I'm a princess.
DOPEY WHISPERS IN GRUMPY'S EAR.
GRUMPY: Ever want to be a pirate?
SNOW WHITE: No. Not that I know of.
DOPEY ACTS SAD.
DOC: Dopey's sad. He always wanted to meet a pirate.
SNOW WHITE: Nice to meet you, Dopey. My name is Snow White. (to
Doc) What's yours?
DOC: They call me Doc, 'cause I'm a doctor.
GRUMPY: They call me Grumpy, 'cause I'm grumpy.
HAPPY: (huge frozen smile) They call me—
SNOW WHITE: No, wait, don't tell me. Let me guess. You must be
Botox!
HAPPY: I'm Happy!
SNOW WHITE: I would be, too. Who ever you go to does great work!
DOC: It's nice to meet you, Snow White. But why are you way out
here in the forest?
SNOW WHITE: Well It's a long story—
GRUMPY: Don't need it and no time for flashbacks. You're in.
THE NARRATOR ENTERS.
NARRATOR: So Snow White moved in with the four little dwarfs.
THE DWARFS EXIT AS SNOW WHITE SPEEDILY ACTS OUT THE FOLLOWING-
NARRATOR: She cooked for them. Cleaned for them. Mended and ironed
their clothing. They had never been happier.
SNOW WHITE HOLDS A LAUNDRY BASKET, EXHAUSTED.
SNOW WHITE: Speak for yourself. With all this work I gotta do,
don't think I don't have days I wanna turn myself in. (to adults
in audience) You people with kids. How do you do it?
DOC AND DOPEY ENTER.
DOC: There's been more layoffs, Snow. Now you only have to care
for two of us.
SNOW WHITE PUMPS HER FIST VICTORIOUSLY IN THE AIR.
SNOW WHITE: YES!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Candy, Snow White's evil stepmother,
discovered that Snow White was still alive.
THE EVIL STEPMOTHER AND MIRROR ENTER.
STEPMOTHER: (enraged) What! How can Snow White still be alive?
MIRROR: I'm just telling you what I heard from Rumpelstiltskin's
bedroom mirror, who's second cousin is the bathroom mirror at the
dwarfs place. He says he sees Snow White every morning. Just staring
at him. For hours.
STEPMOTHER: Then I will take matters into my own hands. I will bring
her a poisonous apple juice box. One sip, and she'll fall into a
deep sleep. Better yet. A spell. (to audience) Same thing. Only
deeeeeeper.
SHE EXITS WITH THE MIRROR, LAUGHS WICKEDLY ALL THE WAY OFF.
NARRATOR: Then, the evil stepmother disguised herself as an old woman
by doing the unthinkable— I can't say it.
FOREST ANIMALS: Say it!
NARRATOR: By not wearing any makeup at all!
THE FOREST ANIMALS GASP.
FOREST ANIMAL THREE: Noooooooo!
ANIMAL THREE RUNS OFFSTAGE.
[end of extract]