The Pub Quiz by Steve Harris
CHARACTERS
Sheila. Jim's wife. Disillusioned, acerbic, spoiling for a fight,
money centric.
Jim. Laid back husband of Sheila, pretends to be hen pecked but that's
just to lessen grief
Jane. Sheila's best friend and confident agrees with Sheila but likes
Jim. Worships John
John. Chauvinist, but gets away with it. Judgmental. Pontificates.
Tells awful jokes
Jas. Mine host of pub, all things to all men and women, likes a moan
and aspires to exotic holidays reckons to go to little hideaway
resorts in Turkey but calls them with Costa names
Simon. Butch one of gays. Ex BBC, aloof attitude covering
uncertainty
Philip. More soft, gravitates to women more, can simper enjoys double
entendres
Eddie. "Man of the land", speaks mind which is quite bigoted not
as bright as he thinks
Jennifer. Eddies woman. Clever, innuendos that Eddie doesn't get,
quite homophobic
Charles. Self made man in advertising, status conscious, flash with
everything including his wife Comes over, or tries to, like the Leslie
Phillips type.
Tracey. Charle's wife. Essex girl, blond, skimpy dresses, gives the
impression of being a bimbo, off the wall statements, dizzy but is in
fact very astute. Gets answer to difficult quiz question right but no
one believes her.
Colin. Cardigan wearing nerd runs quiz, testing mike, pedantic etc.
Barbara. Colin's wife, quiet unassuming but runs quiz really, keeps
Colin on track. Fed up of being Colin's shadow, wants to break out.
Jes. Actual name Jeremy, local "socialist/anarchist" sarky,
tight, hides public school background to fit the image.
Ruth. Jes's partner. Quiet mouse that roars at end, reveals Jes's
background etc and then reverts.
Ethel. The local eccentric lady, sits in the corner not really aware
of what's going on around her and comes out with random statements
from time to time. Doesn't expect answers, is just content to being
involved on her terms.
ACT 1.
SCENE 1. The lounge bar of the pub.
The set is of a lounge bar. A bar with stools in front, 5 sets of
tables with chairs around, the tables have beer mats etc on them.
On stage is Jas, the landlord and Ethel sitting at the bar.
Enter Sheila and Jim.
Jas. Now then you two, how are you?
Jim. Good thanks, and you, how are you Ethel? (no response from
Ethel)
Jas. Oh, you know, feeling the cold, too much lugging barrels around
and clearing up after you lot.
Jim. It's a hard life mate, isn't it.
Sheila. Oh for God's sake, stop whinging.
Jas. Right, sorry Sheila, (exchanges looks with Jim). What are you
having?
Jim looks at Sheila.
Sheila. What are you looking at me for? I'll have what I usually
have, or have you forgotten? (she moves to a table and sits)
Jim. Thanks Jas, I'll have a pint and a half of lager and black for
milady.
Jas. Sheila seems a bit.. well a bit…
Jim. Ratty? Yeh tell me about it. She's like that a lot nowadays. I
don't know what it is, hormones or something I suppose.
Jas. Aye well it's a curse, or so they say. But to who, well that's a
different matter.
Jim gets drinks and moves to table with Sheila)
Jim. There you are me dear. Lager and black as per.
Sheila. What were you saying to Jas?
Jim. Nothing much, just passing the time, you know.
Sheila. It was more than that I know. You were moaning about me
weren't you. Making out that I'm the one that's spoiling everything,
I'm the one that's in the mood, I'm the one that's not happy. What did
you say, "hormones" or some such stupid sexism?
Jim. No, not really, I can't remember now.
Sheila. Don't give me that. I'm sick of this. It's always me that's in
the wrong isn't it. You don't know. You don't notice,. You don't want
to know.
Jim. What do mean? What's the matter with you?
Sheila. You really don't know do you? It's the same every time we come
out. You'd rather spend time talking to that moron behind the bar than
be with me. You ignore me. I might just as well not be here.
Jim. That's a bit steep isn't it. All I did was go to the bar to get
you a drink.
Sheila. Yes, but then you have to have your matey little conversation.
You would have spent all night there if I hadn't been over here.
Jim. Oh for goodness sake, lets not get into this now eh?
Sheila. Yes that's right. Ignore it and hope it will go away. Well I
tell you I'm not going to ignore it any more. I'm going away.
Jim. What do you mean. Don't you want to stop for the quiz?
Sheila. No. It's more than that. I want to split up. I want to leave.
(before anything else occurs enter John and Jane who come straight
over to the table Jane sits)
John. Now then you two. Alright Jas. I'll have a pint and get one in
for Jim as well. What will you have Sheila?
Sheila. Nothing. We're leaving.
John. You what? You can't do that. We've only just got here. Any way
Jim's got another pint now so you'll have to stay. What is it? Lager
and black? Jane'll have the same. Come on Jim, come and give me a
hand. Right Jas, did you get that? Pint for me and Jim and two lagers
and black
Jas. Right oh squire.
(John and Jim go the bar)
Jane. Are you all right? You don't look so good. What's this about
leaving?
Sheila Oh I'm all right. It's not about leaving the stupid quiz, I'm
leaving him.
Jane. You're what?
Sheila. I'm leaving him. I'm just sick of being ignored. Every week we
come here for the quiz. Every week it's the same. We come in. I sit
down. He gets a pint and a lager and black and then that's it. I might
just as well not exist. John comes in. Jas is there. The usuals will
come in and he doesn't speak to me for the rest of the night.
Jane. I know. John's the same. But then they have to have their time
don't they. I mean John works so hard he needs this time to relax.
Sheila. But why does it have to be here? And why does it have to be at
a stupid quiz with his mates? Why can't they spend time talking to
us?
Jane I know it's a bit much but; still he likes it.
Sheila. Are you a bloody doormat or what? I tell you I've been that
for too long. I've had enough. I'm leaving.
Jane. You can't go now. I'll have no one to talk to. Stay for a bit.
It's just them. Have a drink and relax for a bit. It's just something
we have to put with isn't it? Go on stay. You don't really want to
leave him do you? I mean he's not that bad. He could be Charles for
God's sake! Go on just for me, stay for a bit and think it over.
Sheila. Oh Jane,! You don't get it do you.
Jane. Get what?
Sheila. It's not just the quiz. It's everything. I'm so bloody lonely.
I'm married, I'm supposed to be part of a couple and yet I'm so bloody
lonely.
Jane. Come on love. Have a drink. We'll have a good chat. You'll see.
It won't seem so bad after a bit. Come on stay.
Sheila. Oh all right. I'll stay. But I mean it. I'm leaving him. If
not now it'll be soon.
(cut to the bar)
Jas. So, as soon as I can I'm off to that little bar over looking the
sunny bay.
John.(looking meaningfully at Jim) Where's that then Jas?
Jas. You might not know it, it's a little place in Turkey.
Jim. Oh Aye. What's it called then?
Jas. Salou.
John. Oh right! Hey, did I tell you my new joke? No? Well here goes.
It's the beginning of term, the teacher has got a class of 4 year
olds. She asks them what they did in the summer holiday. Jimmy,
that's you kid, says, we went on a choo ride with a steam choo choo.
That's very nice Jimmy, the teacher says, but we're big children
now so we don't use baby words, it's not a choo choo but a train.
What about you Emily? We went on holiday to a farm says Emily and we
saw lots of Moo Moos. Not Moo Moos Emily says the teacher, cows. What
about you Johnny, that's me. We went to the cinema. That's nice
says the teacher, what film did you see? Winnie the shit he says!
Anyway Jim. What's up with Sheila? Why does she want to leave?
Jim. I don't know. She suddenly came out with it. She reckons I ignore
her and she's fed up. I don't get it. It's not as if I leave her at
home is it? I mean, I bring her to the quiz. She gets to meet up with
Jane. What's wrong with that? You don't catch me moaning because I'm
here and spending time talking to you do you?
John. Well of course not! Any way I'm reet interesting so you wouldn't
complain any way would you? Jane's the same. I bring her. She's happy
enough. Is Sheila getting enough?
Jim. What do you mean?
John. You know. Getting enough. Are you doing your husbandly, manly
duty?
Jim. Chance would be a fine thing. It's like trying to set fire to an
iceberg. She's not interested so I don't bother.
John. Well you should lad.
Jim. So Jane's got no complaints then?
John. Could you doubt it? Let's have a game of arrows before it gets
too crowded.
Ethel. They've got some lovely fresh beetroot in Aldi's you know.
(after a look at Ethel they move to the darts board, enter at that
time Simon and Phillip and Eddie and Jennifer. Jas greets the
newcomers who go to the bar to get drinks)
Jas. Now then you two lovely couples. It's a bit cold to be out isn't
it ? What can I get you?
(cut to Sheila and Jane)
Sheila. He's not bad. He doesn't mistreat me. He just ignores me. If
only he'd pay me some attention. When we first got married he was all
over me. It was almost suffocating. Now he barely acknowledges my
existence. And as for any loving. Well all he wants is the occasional
bit of sex. Roll on, roll off and that's it. There's no passion, It
leaves me cold.
Jane. Well John's a bit like that. But then you have to let them have
it don't you. I mean he works hard, he's a good provider so I don't
mind I even put up with his jokes.
Sheila. When was the last time he bought you some flowers? Or did took
you out?
Jane Well he's always taking me out. He brought me here tonight.
Sheila. No, not that, Take you out. For a meal, to the pictures,
anywhere.
Jane Well he works hard so he's too tired most of the time.
Sheila. Not too tired to come here, not too tired to go the football
is he?
Jane. Well no, but he works hard, so he needs some relaxation.
Sheila. He needs relaxation. What about you?
Jane. Oh me. I'm all right. I'm at home most of the day so as John
says, I can relax whenever I want.
Sheila. As John says. Have you heard yourself?
(they lapse into silence drinking and watching Jim and John at the
dartboard)
Simon. Right then. Are you joining us Eddie?
Eddie. Eh?
Simon. Joining us. Over here (motioning and moving to a table), come
on lets get sat.
Eddie. Oh! Sitting. The quiz. Right.
Simon. What did you think I meant. I'm not after your body. I've got
Philly for that. Come on, you too Jennifer.
Jennifer. Your not having my body. Not that you'd want it. Do we have
to Eddie?
Eddie. I suppose so. We'd better join these two.
Phillip. Ooh Eddie!
Eddie. Now pack that in. You know what I mean, we'll join you for the
quiz. There's bound to be questions about nature that you two won't be
able to answer.
Jennifer. What these two, un-natural?
Simon. What's that supposed to mean?
Phillip. Don't get upset, she didn't mean anything by it did you
lovey?
Jennifer. Of course not lovey.
Eddie. Are we sitting or what. We're wasting good drinking time here
and it's their round next, if we're going to be on the same team. Hey
up look out it's the local squire and his bit of fluff.
(enter Charles and Tracey)
Charles. Evening all. (is greeted by all in various ways, nods spoken
etc not that he's interested) Now then James, lets have some service
here. I'll have a brandy, a Courvoisier in fact, not your cheap stuff,
and Tracey here will have white wine spritzer. Won't you?
Tracey. Thank you Charles.
Jas. I've just been telling those others that I'm thinking of taking
off to Turkey. I know a lovely little resort with a bar overlooking
the sea. Just right. It's in Lloret del Mar.
Tracey. Ooh that sounds soooo cool.
Jas. Well it's hot really, the sun beating down you know, washing
all over your body!
Tracey. Well it sounds just wonderful.
Charles. Yes right. That'll do. Just go and get us a table over
there.
Tracey. Oh right. (Tracey moves to a table)
Charles. Look at that arse hey! God she's got a real wiggle on her. No
brains but a good body and she does as she's told so I'm happy.
Jas. I bet you are squire. Nudge nudge hey!
Charles. Yes well, just get the drinks will you. Oh God here comes our
local revolutionary. (turns towards Jes and Ruth who are entering)
Hello comrade, had any good riots lately.
Jes. Very funny!
Charles I just thought you might have been putting the world to rights
as usual. Up the workers and all that. Oh sorry, I forgot you don't
work do you. Never mind. Let me get you a drink. And one for you my
pretty?(he leers at Ruth).
Ruth. You can buy me drink but don't think you're buying anything
else!
Charles. Oh you're such a tease. Very well then I'll have to make do
with the model I've got. Tell me what you want and then off you trot
and join Tracey.
Ruth. I'll have a pint.
Charles. Of course you will. What about you comrade?
Jes. Yeh I'll have a pint as well.
Charles. Right, two pints as well then landlord as quick as you like.
.Ah ha. Here comes the fount of all knowledge and his little mouse.
Hello Colin.
Ethel. I see the price of petrol's gone up again.
(enter Colin and Barbara. Colin carries a clipboard, Barbara carries a
PA system, paper and pencils for the quiz Charles Jes and Ruth join
Tracey)
Colin. What? Hello everyone. Hope you've got your brains with you.
I've got a real duzy tonight. Do you know that duzy was the shortened
version of Duisenberg, an American make of car. In fact it was the
first American make of car to win a road race in Europe, the 24 Hours
at Le Mans in fact…....
Barbara. Shall I pass out the answer sheets then?
Colin. What? Oh yes. Do that and I'll be here then.
(Barbara goes round the 'pub' giving out sheets of paper and pencils.
Colin moves to the bar)
Jas. Now then Colin. What are you having? The usual half pint, on the
house of course and a small lemonade with slice for Barbara. (whilst
getting drinks) Did I tell you that I was thinking of taking a break
and going off to that little, very select resort I know in Turkey?
Colin. Er, no Jas, no.
Jas. Oh yes. It's very select you know, film stars, pop singers, the
odd cat walk model but not too many footballers you know.
Colin. Where is it then, Turkey you say. What's it called?
Jas. Benidorm.
Colin Benidorm! Isn't that in…....
Barbara. (interrupting) I've given out the papers. I'll just set up
the PA here then Colin.
Colin. What? Oh yes.
Barbara. Can I have a drink please Colin?
Colin. What? Oh yes. Er I've ordered one. What was it Jas?
Jas, A lemonade with a slice. Did you want ice in that Babs?
Barbara. It's Barbara if you please and I would rather have had a
Bloody Mary.
Colin What!?
Jas. Oh you and your little jokes. One half and one lemonade with
slice coming up.
(Barbara looks exasperated but subsides. Colin plugs in the mic and
tests it.)
Colin. One two, One two, One two One two.
All THREE!!!!
Colin. It's not funny, I've got to get this right.
Ethel. It's like taking candy off a baby, that was it wasn't it,
one two three.
Jas. (pause, look at Ethel, then continue) Of course you have Colin.
Now then, any more drinks before brain of Britain here starts the quiz