The Tenant by Dana Hall
This Play is the copyright of the Author and must NOT be Performed without the Author's PRIOR consent
SCENE I - DIANA-HOME ON LAPTOP MIDWEST. TED-HOTEL ON LAPTOP CALIFORNIA -DAY/March
We open to a video conversation between a married couple. DIANA, 30s, Polish, she appears young for her age, witty yet imaginative, she has bought into the American Dream. She sits on a shabby bed in a dreadful, small, dank apartment. Her husband, TED,30s, myopic, traditional, neat, is out of town on a business trip.
DIANA: (Dreamy)Can you even believe it...A double vanity!
TED: (To self) Here we go.
DIANA: I mean- Who are we? Are we double vanity people? (realizing) No more washing stubble out of the sink--
TED: And don’t get me started on the counter space/
DIANA: I know!
TED: (Mocking playfully) There’s room for my razor and my toothbrush.(realizing)I could put them both right there on the counter at the same time!
DIANA: You’re lucky you’re 3,000 miles away.
TED: But why stop there? I’d have room for... wait for it...a toothbrush holder. I mean I have space why not?
DIANA:It’s fine-make fun. You’ll wonder how we lived without it.
TED: You’re right, I have taken for granted the importance of double vanities on a marriage.
DIANA: Seriously, I don’t want to lose this house Teddy, has Elliot heard back from the seller’s agent yet?
TED: Nothing yet. Their agent said they needed time to consider- but Elliot said it's looking "promising."
DIANA: That’s Elliot spinning 'nothing' into something positive. I can’t stand this waiting-
TED: Oh,you’re kidding? YOU -Mrs. Patience?!
DIANA: I opened one Christmas present early three years-ago and for the rest of my life, I’m ‘impatient’.
TED: You rewrapped the watch then slid it back into its hiding spot. Then were all(mocking)'really for me' in the mirror!
DIANA: Well, I didn’t want you to feel insulted--
TED: Wait-You didn’t like it?
DIANA: I am just saying the nightstand is not a 'hiding spot' it's just a...SPOT--
TED: --and I'm just saying maybe you shouldn’t open things that aren't yours.
DIANA: Technically it WAS mine...just a matter of timing really...(notices) Hey- you’re wearing the tie I gave you for our anniversary!
TED: Does it say, “invest in us, we can get your premium at below market value?”
DIANA: I don't know. Move it closer to the camera.
Ted holds the tie up to the screen. We only see the tie.
DIANA: The overall color looks fine--
TED: Good....
DIANA:But the pattern looks a little--
TED: Like my wife bought it?
DIANA: I was going to say 'last season.'
TED: You’re right!(defeated) Damn it! Paisleys? What was I thinking! Paisleys don’t close deals!
DIANA: (Comforting) Ted... Teddy. Hey, it's 'ok.' You're going to get this contract and we'll be picking out curtains for the house soon enough. Oh remember- that bench we got on our trip Galena?/ Wouldn’t it make the cutest window seat?//I know, I know- Mrs. Impatient over here--
TED: /Hun//Honey--Cliff just texted he’s on his way up. I gotta get going, we have to review numbers. All they need is one small reason to pass on our program.
OS, Ted is getting his 'power tie.’
If we get this account we can expand into the California market. It’ll be huge for us.
Uses the computer as a mirror to straighten his necktie.
DIANA: I know… (Trying to Keep Ted on the line) but I hate being alone in this apartment. Oh... you know the kid above us in 3B has a skateboard now…
TED: Uses the camera to make sure he has nothing in his teeth. He cont. Primping for his meeting throughout these exchanges.
TED: ...Oh yeah, that’s nice.
DIANA: Nice? Tony Hawk up there rides that thing all day and night- on the wood floors! I’m half awake at work. Did I tell you, yesterday I put in the wrong billing code?
TED:(Generic, half listening)Everyone makes mistakes.
DIANA:Tell that to Dr. Dingles! Wait until he sees I billed insurance for a lobotomy instead of precocious puberty.
TED: You'll get it right next time.
DIANA: I hate being alone in this apartment.
TED: You’re not alone you’ve got Tommy and his precarious puberty thing.
DIANA:(Correcting)It’s precocious--
TED:(Attending)--Hun. I know you're frustrated. I’m doing the best I can. We’ll be in OUR home soon enough, fancy face.
Ted hears a knock. (Yells OS)Come in! (To Diana)Gotta go, Cliff is here I’ll call you tonight. Love You.
He shuts the laptop abruptly; Ted is gone. Video is still on.
DIANA:(To screen where Ted was located) Love you too.
Diana opens a picture of the front of the new home.
DIANA:(OS)Where’s that listing? There it is.
Diana pulls up a picture of the potential new home. It’s cute, neat and traditional. Diana is talking to a picture on the screen. We just see the image of the house, not Diana.
DIANA: Hey new house, it’s me. Just checking in. What’s that?... Uh-huh, yes, I DO love your open floor plan that’s not too open. Oh sure, I love your walk-in closet-and look at your... mature landscaping! But that’s not why I’m here, we both know the real reason. Where is it… come on…
She opens a picture of double vanities.
Well, hello beautiful. I know, I know… you’re right I’m just making all this waiting worse by looking. But I just needed a little peak.(Deep breath) Ok. I’ll put you away for now.
Closes the computer window, and checks her cellphone.
Come on Elliot. Make this happen.
(LOGS OFF)
Scene II- DIANA- HOME ON LAPTOP MIDWEST / TED-INT. HOTEL ON LAPTOP CALIFORNIA / ELLIOT- OFFICE ON LAPTOP (also phone)
Later that week. Diana is logged on from their shabby apartment in Chicago. Ted is on a business trip and joins the call from his California hotel room. They are in a virtual meeting with their real estate agent ELLIOT, charismatic, middle-aged, always on to the next best thing, he is known around the office for saying he doesn’t sell homes-he sells people on houses. They have contacted Elliot for an update about the property they want to purchase in their hometown.
Elliot: Elliot is on his cell phone with another agent. He is also on a zoom call waiting for the Harlings to log on.
Yeah- I heard ya’ loud and clear but I can’t do nothing with it. The ‘Must-have list’ is ridiculous, there’s nothing like that in their price range.…Oh look further out… how about 1948 cuz that’s about how far I’d have to go. Too harsh? Ha. Oh,come on you know I’m right...If they're in the market for a new agent I’ll give em’ your number! (laughing) That’s what I thought. Hey,I gotta get off the line. I’m waiting to chat with some kids about a closing... You know me selling hopes and dreams over here. Hey-you ever close on that penthouse?... What? They’re afraid of heights!? Well, tell em’ to put up some damn curtains- Bam! Alright listen I see they’re logging on I gotta go...uhhuh...ok... yeah sure reserve Le Bistro for next Thursday but hey- pull. the. trigger. on. the. listing- cuz’ steak is for closers! Laterz.
Elliot hangs up a cell phone call. Harlings enter the virtual call.
Elliot Multi-tasking throughout the conversation.
ELLIOT Cont: Hey Harlings, glad to see you...well virtually. They say the camera adds 10lbs. Is it true for these zoom things? (laughs) Ted, Teddy my man- you're looking like you got some sun, how's the weather over there in the Golden State?
TED: California is nice. Sunny and warm- haven’t gotten out much with work but--(thanks for asking)
ELLIOT: --Oh Diana did you give more thought to those cabinets? Ya still want to paint them or what?
DIANA:(Excited) Are you saying what I think you’re saying Elliot...?
ELLIOT: Well, I do have some news...hold for a sec- Let me send this message off…
Elliot talks to himself while sending a message on his cellphone. Million-dollar property and they want to make the deal contingent upon inspection (scoffs). What was I saying?--
DIANA: The news...is it about the contract--
ELLIOT: Right, the contract. Oh by the way the cabinets are real wood, not that composite crap so if you want to paint them/
DIANA: I can -yup thanks. So what did they say?
TED: Sorry, Elliot. We've been waiting by the phone for days-did the sellers respond to our offer? We thought you might be calling to tell us some--
ELLIOT: Good news? Well, we have a bit of a ‘good news-bad news' situation. I like to rip that band-aid right off. Bad News- they countered your offer. Good news- I was able to get the account manager to finesse the financing a bit to give you more wiggle room on the mortgage payments...so (pauses) double good news, you got the house! You are the proud owners of 14272 Cherry Tree Lane (rattles off the last bit under his breath) if you accept the counter and the tenant agreement, (To Harlings) Congratulations Harlings!
Ted/Diana/ Elliot overlap each other on the next set of lines.
TED: Wow/ Can't Believe it.
DIANA: It's ours/ It's official!
ELLIOT: Yup/It’s yours
TED: It really does check all of our boxes. The neighborhood, the extra bedroom--
DIANA: --Double Vanities!
Harlings share a look.
ELLIOT: It’s all there folks! So, we just have to officially accept the counteroffer and bing-bang there we have it--
TED: Wait...The tenant agreement-I’m not sure I like the sound of that--
ELLIOT: Just some extra income, no biggie. It won't affect you lovely kids in the least. Let’s get this locked down, shall we?
TED: But we never even met the tenant--
ELLIOT: No need, they come pre-approved with a pre-set lease agreement. They’ve been with the previous owners for years. Just another bonus really! You know how you and Diana love the separate living space on the lower level, with the kitchen and full bath and bedroom-
DIANA: Yes!
ELLIOT: That kind of space costs (indicate money). You couldn’t afford it without the tenant. You’re getting a real- deal- (into the camera) trust me.
Elliot is texting while Diana speaks.
DIANA: Oh Ted, you know we need that space. What about starting a family? My mom could come to stay with us and help out. The full apartment is perfect for her.
TED: It really is- isn’t it.
DIANA: She won’t stay in our guest room because she (mocks her mother)“refuses to be locked away in a cell with no windows” this way she can come and go as she pleases. It’s perfect.
(She glares at TED as if to say ‘please agree’)
TED: The extra space would be nice/
ELLIOT: He overhears Ted’s line and interrupts like an auctioneer. Sold! It’s yours! Just give me the ‘ok’ and I’ll have the contract drawn up and sent over to their agent by dinner- starting to get a taste for some steaks.
TED: Wait. How long do we have to live with this stranger?
ELLIOT:(Spinning the tale)Oh the benefit of the extra income? Let’s see-that lasts until the termination of the lease agreement, looks like they have…(checks document) 8 months left. Then you are free to move about the lower level as you desire. You kids are going to love this property, and I’m not just saying that for the commission check! Hey, Diana-get your mom one of those fancy recliners like we saw at that listing back in November.
DIANA: Oh yah, Ted you remember... The divorce attorney was in the middle of a divorce. (Sad) Those two leather recliners just sitting there staring up at an empty wall/
ELLIOT: We should’ve made an offer on them! Damn. Probably would’ve got them real cheap too. They would’ve looked great by your new fireplace.
DIANA: It’s the perfect spot for my mom to watch her shows! She’s obsessed with the home buying channel.
ELLIOT: (Triggered)Don’t even get me started. Those shows have destroyed my life! They got every Joe blow out there thinking they could afford granite countertops and cathedral ceilings. You should see these ‘must-have’ lists- Who do they think I am Houdini? Where do they expect me to pull a home office, movie theatre, and “man cave” outta? Let’s be real- it ain’t happening folks.
You know what? I can tell when my clients have been watching the home buying channel-cuz next thing I know it's ‘open floor plan this’ and, ‘is this a load-bearing wall’ that- enough already! Besides don’t they know those shows are fake?!
His Cellphone rings.
Speak of the devil- I gotta take this call-one-moment Harlings...yeah you got Elliot here...
Elliot takes the call from a client, remains on with Diana and Ted. Elliot’s call with a client can be improvised as they are on mute with video on.
DIANA: I can’t believe after all this looking it’s finally coming true.
TED: (Concerned)This doesn’t bother you at all.
DIANA: No, I knew they were fake--
TED: No, not the stupid shows. You’re completely fine with some rando living in our basement?
DIANA: You know what I’m not fine with? The smell of urine from Mrs. Beecher’s six cats.
TED: Don’t you think we should at least talk this over--
ELLIOT: --Alright cats and kittens- the offers on the table. Take 24 and talk it over. You don’t want to lose this opportunity. (Painting a picture with his words) I can just imagine you beautiful kids in this house- enjoying the neighborhood, barbecuing in the backyard, little Harlings running around. Not a care in. the. world/
TED: (anxious)But the tenant what about/
Elliot: Shhhh... no worries Teddy my boy, just think, you’ll be sipping Moscato in the backyard by summer. (points at phone) I gotta work some magic. Call me at the office tomorrow with your decision. Congratulations!
Elliot leaves the call, Ted and Diana continue the conversation.
TED: So, what do you think?
(Ted is texting as Diana talks.)
DIANA: His face looks less punchable than I remember.
TED: Can you take this seriously? We are about to enter into a legally binding contract with someone we don’t even know.
DIANA: He’s hardly a stranger. We've seen every property in town together.
TED: Not Elliot, the potential homicidal maniac you want to curl up in your jammies with.
DIANA: Lots of people have rental properties, Ted. It’s only for a few months. Besides, how dangerous could he be? He lived there for years before we came along. We met the owners at the open house, remember?
TED: Yah, so?
DIANA: So- we know they’re still alive.(Smirks)
TED: Laugh now but I just sent a text to Elliot asking for the counter offer. The numbers he so innocently forgot to share...check your phone I forwarded the text...I’ll wait...Not so funny now, is it?
She picks up her phone to read the text.
DIANA: I don’t think I’ve seen a number with that many zeros before. Well, Elliot said the account manager finessed the financing, right? That’s gotta count for something.
TED: The tenant concerns aside, Diana, this house is already at the top end of our budget. Even after Elliot’s wheeling and dealing, we're coming up short...and that's with the new account. We can’t afford this house.
DIANA: We just have to cut back a bit, right? I can use the coffee pot at home so that saves an extra 25 bucks a week--
Diana is texting Elliot.
TED: I appreciate your sacrifice but skipping out on your mocha-frappe-cappa-what’s-it-called isn’t putting us over the finish line…sorry, hun.
DIANA: So what do we do, stay here in this tiny, mold-infested crap hole?
TED: It's not that bad.
DIANA: We talked about starting a family. How are we going to do that here?
TED: (Flirty) We still have a bed.
DIANA: Are you freaking' serious? I can’t spend another winter fighting with the landlord about moving the thermostat up 5 degrees or waiting on him to fix the oven when it goes out--
TED: (Casual)We can order out.
DIANA: You know what? It's fine, just fine. Hey, I hear Tommy upstairs is dying to get a BB gun. Maybe he will get one for Christmas and I can stay in shape and stay warm by dodging stray bullets.
TED: (Jovial)--see you found a bright spot!
DIANA: You’re not funny, Ted! I want this house-Come on Teddy, it’s not like he’s going to be here forever...with the change in price, we could use the help with mortgage payments--
TED: --Who says they have good news and bad news but doesn’t let you pick which you hear first? Seriously, who does that? I’ll decide what “good” is thank you very much.
DIANA: Did you hear a word I said--
TED: Sorry Diana, I'M thinking about our future.
DIANA: I sent Elliot a message too.
TED: You did?
DIANA: Yup, I asked how much the tenant is paying in rent... I just sent it to your phone.
Ted picks up his phone and looks.
TED: Whoa-Really?
DIANA: Really, really.
TED: I didn’t realize it was this much. This-for one person?
DIANA: One lone person. Separate entrances. We’ll never even see him. What do you think, Teddy?
TED: You’ll feel safe when I am away?
DIANA: Yes, we can put in a full security system for peace of mind so you can see everything is fine when you’re away on business.
TED: Alright--
DIANA: So, Yes?
TED: Yes. I’ll call Elliot and let him know.
DIANA: I can’t believe it, our own house. Well, ours and the stranger occupying our basement apartment.
[End of Extract]