Trial Run by Danard Bell & Roger Cosgrove
(JILL and ROSE ANN enter from Post Office direction
They are both well dressed
They walk over and have a look at the posters, then turn to the men
JILL
(pointing at poster) Is this a new play coming up?
ED(sitting)
Yah and we're going to be in it too! (quite proud and puffing up his
shoulders)
ROSE ANN
You're kidding, right. You look too old! Can you remember your lines?
(laughs)
JILL
You men would be up past your bed time if you were in a play.
(laughs)
(Both ED and BILL look dejected and drop their heads. ROSE ANN and
JILL giggle as they continue to exit rear stage right. THEY wave goodbye and BILL
and ED wave back.)
BILL
What?(pauses) oh yah! Where? Where are we going?
ED(stands)
I don't remember where.(ED gestures with his hands and tilts head up
thinking. He stands in one spot.)
BILL
I don't think we ever said where we were going.
(BOYS appear above the Post Office)
SAM
Let's get the old codger again! (laughs)
ED
(cocks head) Did I hear something?
BILL
IT'S JUST YOUR HEARING AIDS!
JIM
Ya! get him good. (laughs)
(The BOYS peek over the Post Office and lower the bird over ED'S
head again.A car roars by.)
ED(Waving fist)
SLOW DOWN, YOU LUNATIC. CRAZY DRIVERS.
(ED looks down the street with the binoculars)
Well I think we…Would you look at that, two young women and about
ten or twelve kids. That's about 5 or 6 kids each. Whew! Stupid
birds.
BILL
And we thought we were good men. (He laughs and winks at Ed.)
ED
(He swings about with binoculars up, then quickly sits down and
shrinks down onto bench. BOYS pull bird up.)
Here comes those smart aleck women again. Look busy!
(ROSE ANN &JILL enter stage left. ED puffs out cheeks whistling
lightly while BILL is looking at his cane. JILL and ROSE ANN are
acting quite friendly and smiling. ED frowns while BILL is still
inspecting his cane.)
JILL
Can you hear me… you old farts?
(ED grimaces and makes a face. HE blows cheeks out. the WOMEN lean in closer)
ROSE ANN
How old are you, you old turkeys? (Giggling)
JILL
Hope that play is pretty soon or you old buzzards may not make it.
(Laughing)
(JILL and ROSE ANN exit rear stage right, turning back, waving and
throwing kisses. BILL and ED ignore them and roll eyes and whistle
etc.)
ED(Stands)
Good riddance! Eh!
SAM
Kind of a dumb old character eh!
(BOYS laugh, ED raises head - listens)
JIM
Ya! I think the bird is smarter.
(BOYS laugh again, ED looks around but sees nothing)
(The BOYS lower the bird again, Bird sounds…first softly than louder.)
BILL
Betty and I raised five. Well I guess Betty did most of it. Women
usually do. And Ed you shouldn't call them kids. They're children.
You know what kids are…baby goats! We were told that hundreds of
time in school, remember?
ED(standing, looking around)
Yah, yah, yah. Joan and I raised three. (Looks at BILL) We did a
pretty good job, I think. They are all smart with good jobs and money.
Yah, we're really proud of them all. And they are starting to retire
already. Can you believe that? (shakes head in disbelief)I retired
when I was 70. They are retiring at 55.
(MAN and WOMAN return from Post Office with different letters in
their hands. They wave. THEY exit rear stage right. There is more bird
sounds and are louder. Bird down.)
BILL
(Feels his back) Back feels a lot better. Yah, children are pretty
smart nowadays, (pause) too smart. We have two great grandsons. Smart
as whips, (shakes head) too smart. One seven year old took over the
whole class, one morning. Wasn't supposed to; smart aleck. Teacher
just sits in the back row and cries now.
(HE imitates teacher with his hands on his head. More bird sounds and
loud car sounds.)
ED
Blasted cars. (Throws up hands, then cups hand over ears)
How can I hear the birds? I think I hear some Bids. I do.
BILL
(Makes face and sticks his finger in his ear.)
Hey, you have a watch, what time is it?
ED
(Slowly displays watch, and makes an elaborate to-do about it. ED
reads out the current date such as) July 12 2019, Partly cloudy, no
rain.
BILL
Yah, yah, yah. Just the time please.
(bird goes up, bird sounds off before BOB appears)
ED
Seven fourty-five am. (still showing off his watch. ED looks around
and spots BOB in the distance.)
Here comes old Bob now. (singing)“Here comes Bobby, here comes Bobby.
(BOB enters slowly rear stage right. He is using a cane to walk.)
How you doing you old coot? (laughing)
BILL
Be nice for once, Okay.
BOB
(Annoyed somewhat he rushes in with his cane pointed at ED. HE
misses)
I'll get you one of these days. Old coot eh? I'll knock you're old
block off and throw it in with the old cars. That's what I'll do.
(He takes another jab at ED and misses. BILL stands to separate ED
and BOB. THEY push each other, pause)
BILL
Try to get along you guys. Hey! Bob, nice to see you. We're going for
a long walk today. Maybe the longest one we have ever gone on. (BILL
bends forward then straightens up) How's the hip? Are you up to it?
(A car zooms by and all the MEN follow it.)
BOB
I think I will be all right. (stretches hips) I walk every day. Just
like the old cars; gotta keep going so we don't seize up. I forgot the
water though. (points to pouch)
BILL
I have lots of water. (stands and pats BOB'S shoulder, gives two
bottles to BOB for his pouch and another to hold. BOB hangs his pouch
on the bench.)
(The BOYS enter from behind the Post Office rear stage left. THEY
wave and MEN wave back.)
ED
Have you boys seen any birds today?
SAM
I don't think there is any around here.
ED
I thought I was hearing some. (ED adjusts his hearing aid.) I have a
lot of trouble with these darn hearing aids.
JIM
It looks like you have too much hair to hear anything. Ha Ha!
ED
Another smart aleck; beat it. (shakes fist at the BOYS)
BILL
They are just having some fun!
(BOYS exit to rear stage right.)
ED
Did you have a shower this morning BOB? I hope so.
(pinches nose, gives BOB a bit of a shove)
BOB
None of your business baldy.(annoyed, BOB shakes cane at ED then gives
him a bit of a shove)
ED
Hope you used lots of soap. (taunting BOB, gives him a poke)
BILL
Aw, leave him alone Ed.
(A loud car goes by and backfires, ED puts hands over his ears and sits down.)
ED
Blasted traffic. Cars, cars, noise, noise.
BILL
It's your hearing aids Ed, turn them down.
ED
I'll turn them right down. (Puts both hands up to adjust them)
There, can't hear a thing now.
(All three MEN sit down on the bench. They are all relaxed with their
canes between their legs. ED stands up and removes the binoculars and
sets them on the bench, then has a drink of water. ED looks around,
then shakes his head, and sits down again.)
ED
Blasted birds, must all be sleeping. (hollers at MEN) I could use
another coffee you know, I wish we had a Horton's.
BILL
Quiet ED, we're resting. (annoyed, BOB and BILL's heads are back.)
QUIET.
ED
What? - you guys look pretty perky…BOO
(10 second pause. ED sits on his binoculars, hops back up and picks
them up. HE has another look around then moves sideways and trips over
BOB's cane which BOB has stuck out so audience can see. He slowly
falls down towards BILL. BILL catches his binoculars but ED'S hat and
hair fall off. HIS bald head is toward audience. HE tries to get up
but falls onto his back. BOB goes to help but trips over one of the
canes and falls on his back. Now both men appear helpless on their
backs. They grab each other's hands to get up but turn towards each
other and that doesn't work as they bump bellies. ED finally is able
to get up on his knees but is on top of BOB? BOB is squirming under
ED. BILL is laughing and shaking his head. HE puts binoculars on the
bench, then tries to help ED up. ED while trying to get up has knee in
BOB'S chest. There is lots of moaning and groaning. The two MEN are
wrestling, both trying to get up first. As one goes to get up the
other grabs him to pull him down so he can get up. This is repeated in
reverse a couple of times. THEY finally sit up all dishevelled and
trying to catch their breath. BOTH get up)
BOB
Ha, ha, ha. Hey baldy you might need these. (picks up ED'S hat and
hair and tries to put them on ED'S head. HE puts them on backwards so
the hair is covering ED'S eyes.)
ED
Give me that smart aleck; tripped me on purpose, didn't you?
(straightens hat and hair)
BOB
Poor old Ed. Clumsy as an old pig on ice.(laughs)
(MEN are all standing. Bill has both canes.)
BILL
Looks good on you.(laughs)
ED
Nice friends! (ticked off and makes a face)Smart alecks.
BOB
Ya, Ed, We all had a good laugh, anyway. (laughs)
BILL
He has kind of tucked in his feathers now eh? (laughs and shakes head.
HE gives cane back to BOB. BILL and BOB both sit.)
ED
What? (cups his ear) Smart alecks.
(Second MAN and WOMAN couple enter rear stage right heading to the
Post Office. There is mutual waving to the MEN. A car quietly goes
by.)
ED
Was that a car? (cups his ear) I can't hear nothing!
BILL
Put your ears back on Ed; you may walk out in front of a car.
(BOB and BILL are sitting on bench and ED is standing playing with
his hearing aids.)
BOB
Ya, Ed, you might bust the car. (laughs)
ED
Smart alecks; I could do without both of you guys…you know? (ED sits
down between them)
BILL
Come on ED; (gives ED a little jab) we're just having a little fun.
BOB
Hey Ed, you sure looked old laying down there.
ED
I am just eighty-one…past. (he jumps up to show off, he flexes
muscles) Not as old as you. And a lot smarter too. How old are you
BOB?
BOB
Eighty-five and proud of it too.(gives a nod) Still got my wits.
(ED sits back down and the MEN have a drink from their water bottles.
Pause for a few seconds)
ED
I think Bill's eighty-four; right Bill? (turns to BILL)
BILL
Yah! we were in high school at the same time, remember.
ED
Yah! Remember our old chemistry teacher? (ED stands up and dramatizes
the description )
Bald on the top, hair stuck straight out the sides. Grinning from ear
to ear. Remember he used to hold up that stuff in the glass and give
it a little shake. (imitates with his hand)
BILL
Yah! What was that stuff anyway?
ED
I don't remember. He said it could blow up; I remember that. (gestures
it blowing up with his hands, THEY all laugh)
BILL
I think it did blow up, right beside his head. More than once, too.
(more laughing)
ED
He sure was the absent minded professor, that's for sure.
(more laughing, ED sits)
BILL
Remember the day we made that stinking egg gas. whew! (holds nose) I
can still smell that yet. (shakes his head)
(SAM and JIM enter rear stage right; a car goes by. THEY do a “high
five”, then imitate Ed. THEY are laughing and making faces. THEY exit
to their positions above the Post Office. BOB, BILL, and ED all are
sitting and relaxing on the bench. There is a few seconds pause)
ED
You know, there sure was a lot of pretty girls in that school, eh
Bill. (ED whistles, BOB and BILL nod and wink)
BILL
Yah, all but one.(face winces) A friend of my sisters. Man was she
homely. (shakes head) That girl's face would stop a greyhound bus.
(laughs, slaps knee, smirks, ED joins in)
Looked like a hound dog with pink-eye.(BOTH are still laughing)
Trouble was she liked me, I couldn't get rid of her.(puts both hands
on cheeks and shakes head)But my sister insisted that I be nice to
her. BE NICE TO HER BILL! (mocking and makes a face) You know… she
was a nice girl though.
ED
Girls! (annoyed)I had a pretty girlfriend for a while. I thought it
was the end of the world when she dropped me for my best friend.
(stands up and waves arms downward)
(Bird drops down. BILL suddenly straightens up..slight pause… ED
puts on binoculars. BOB who has been sitting quietly suddenly comes
alive.)
BOB
Women; they can make you or break you.
BILL
I think we all did pretty good…Considering what your wives had to
put up with.
ED
I forgot about the birds.
(Bird sounds. The BOYS have lowered bird so it is just above ED's
head. BILL and BOB see what is going on and smile, but say nothing. ED
thinks he feels something on his shirt and rubs it and frowns)
ED
I could've thought I was pooped on but guess not.
(Pause - The BOYS pull bird up, sounds stop. BOB and BILL smile and
shake their heads. A MAN and WOMAN return from Post Office with
letters and walk by and smile and nod then exit rear stage right. ED
looks through binoculars again.)
BOB
I am just going in to check the mail. I am expecting a car part from
Amazon. I will be right back.
ED
I didn't know they had cars in the jungle.
BILL
I will go with you. Save us a spot on the bench Ed. Unless a sweet
young lady wants to sit down. (He chuckles. then BILL and BOB exit to
Post Office.)
ED
Ya, Ya. (He leans back and in no time is snoring lightly.)
(The BOYS start lowering a huge bird with about a four foot wing span
down unto his chest. They bounce it off of ED'S chest. ED stirs, then
looks at bird. His hands and feet both go up into the air, as he lets
out a scream. The BOYS are laughing hysterically. THEY start to raise
the bird as ED tries to take a swing at it. He screams some more than
falls off bench. The BOYS pull bird up. THEY are still laughing and
holding their hands over their mouths. ED climbs under the bench with
his hand over his head. BILL and BOB enter.)
BILL
What's wrong Ed; are you okay?
BOB
Ed. What is it? Where you having a nightmare?
ED
(ED slowly gets up, stretches his arms way out.)
I was attacked by a bird with a wing span of six feet. But I fought
him off.
BILL
Sit down Ed. Take a load off. Rest awhile, take it easy
BOB
Ed, I think you've been into the dandelion wine.